Protogens in Equestria

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Shadow and Kamori set off on an exploration cruise when something damages their ship. Now they must find a way to live the ponies of this new world until their ship is repaired.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 7 )

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Toon

Toon #1 · Aug 6th, 2022 · 4 · · Chapter 1 ·

So I noticed in the introduction it was read in third person then switched to first person which was a little disorienting, perhaps stick with first person if that's the main telling of the chapter? The pacing was a bit bad, we were told of system failures briefly then mainly about a printer. Not the actual impact that actually happened. All of it went by quite quickly then slowed down to about what the actual ship had in terms of protocols and programs. We learn about a battle sim, some banter and overall nothing really moves forward. A time skip that could've been portrayed a little better than a abrupt message, kinda made the whole time seem wasted.

We could've gotten a bit more background to their home turf, try to contact via radio or transmissions. Or was the ship that damaged? I couldn't really tell since it was so quick.

Idk, characters seem fine but the setup was just a little too fast, and the whole battle sim and build of the battle armor seemed more to fill the qouta of words. I would think since they have a preset for armor for any exploration (I'd assume since how else would you protect yourself) that it'd be quick since it would make sense to download the blueprints for it. If not then maybe instead of talking about how long it'd take, tell us why it would take so long. Idk

Could've used small bits of new knowledge as us the readers could take in as we settle in with these new characters we know barely about.

Update: and the image links are a bit bad when reading, it can really pull someone away from the story.

Kurookumera

Kurookumera #2 · Aug 6th, 2022 · 4 · · Chapter 1 ·

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Thanks for the advice. I have a lot of trouble pacing myself with stories so I appreciate this. I'll see try and fix that. Also what if I were to put the pictures as part of the authors notes? Also what's that about third person? It should be in first so please point out the parts that aren't in first. Actually nvm the third person part. It was a mistake I forgot to edit out. Thanks for telling tho.

DingoAte

DingoAte #3 · Sep 16th, 2022 · 1 · · Chapter 2 ·

Well that chapter was a knock out:D

Wartank55

Wartank55 #4 · Sep 17th, 2022 · 1 · · Chapter 2 ·

and here we see Twilight going full rainbow dash and not asking Questions like a proper person should and also thinking the princess said to Defeat the people she had informed her about

Pony addiction