• Member Since 3rd Apr, 2021
  • offline last seen 8 minutes ago

Burningbloom78


The one with a penchant for writing.

Sequels1

E

One night, the sun princess ventures into the deepest chamber in the castle to recollect her past and the failures associated with it.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 5 )

Some criticism that I hope you might find helpful:

The concept itself is good, but your approach leaves a lot to be desired. While it is obvious that you tried your best to make the prose fancy, the repetitions in the story greatly detract from the experience.

a rose Princess Celestia keeps within the deepest chamber / the ashen rose is kept in the deepest chamber where none are permitted / a personal rose kept locked away from eyes that aren't Princess Celestia's. / a rose kept secret from the world that is stored within a chamber that only Princess Celestia is allowed entry.

I understand that you probably intended these to anchor these objects and memories together, but due to the fic's shortness, they just feel like you ran out of ideas and rephrased the same thought four or so times.

This actually brings us to the crux of the issue: I feel like you tried to rush your story out instead of giving each scene its deserved length. While the idea of using roses as mementos is genuinely good, you really didn't give any of Celestia's grievances enough time to feel really impactful. By the time the reader would start feeling for her, you already yank us off to another scene.

With no elaboration on any of these past scenes, I find myself incapable of even really caring about these supposedly tragic events.

11071928
Huh. I'll keep what you said in mind.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I agree with Reviewfilly. This is a really neat idea, something I've definitely not seen before, and I think it could be expanded just a bit with no problem to give each memory a little more weight.

But you're using a lot of 'big' words that bely the simplicity and repetition of how you structure your sentences. I'd suggest paying attention to sentence flow and close repetition of words, as well as excising word choices that are overly vague or general. Because you've definitely got something here, and good ideas are hard to come by. :)

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