Ember Soul is a pony with a past that's shrouded in mystery. When he moved to Ponyville, he never thought his first day there would be his last. Now, with Nightmare Moon threatening to blanket the world in eternal night, Ember Soul races against time to prevent another ancient evil from surfacing.
I'm a teenage girl and this is my first story. Rated E for Everyone
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hey, hope you like the story. It was my first time, so I had my big bro help me. So I hope you like it and feel free to comment.
It's uuuuuuuuuppppppp!!! I'm SO happy!! I'm so happy they liked it, since it's my first time, I was worried. But it's up.
Ok, I will most definately follow this, you have my interests peaked!
To be honest, there hasn't been a fic that caught my interest in a while.
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Pretty good so far. Certainly I have seen far worse. Couple things though: So far as I can recall, Twilight is the only non-alicorn, non-Pinkie character to have used a teleport spell. Not saying others can't, but just be careful that Ember Soul doesn't turn into a mary sue/gary stu. In short, don't make him overpowered. Good characters have real flaws and exploitable weaknesses. I'm actually pretty intrigued by what he's afraid of too. Griffins and dragons aren't nocturnal, so what could it be that hurt him? This is a good example of how to catch the reader's interest, by giving them an important unknown to puzzleover.
Derpy was in great character here, you got her comical misunderstanding of things just right. Can't say much about Twilight/Rainbow Dash/Rarity, because they only have canon lines in this. I'm also interested to see how you handle Ember's backstory, with the dead sibling. Done right, it can give real depth and emotion to a character. And just a suggestion here, but I feel you would benefit a lot from a more expansive vocabulary. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't get 'samey', but being able to use different ways to say the same thing is always beneficial to any author.
All in all, good job so far! I'll track this and see where it goes. And feel free to drop me a line if you want to throw some ideas around (though clearly your BBBFF is doing a pretty great job so fardl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png ).
EDIT: Oh, and something I forgot to mention: a very easy trap to fall into is switching tenses, and you have my respect for not doing so. It's the simplest mistake to make, I do it myself. And yet it can comlpetely change the feel of a fic. So I guess I'm saying hearty congratulations for knowing how the language works, and for attention to detail as well.
1269539
I actually hadn't planned on having a human in this story, but I might write one someday. I've personally never been that interested in HiE stories.
Hmm, you have me curious as to what this "thing" is that Ember is so afraid of. You dropped some serious things in this chapter that has me wondering about Ember Soul and his past so I'm interesting as far as that goes.
One thing that was kinda bugging me is that scenes seem to change so suddenly. There wasn't anything in between the action.
Following this for now. I'm looking forward to getting to know Ember Soul.
~Have a good one.
1269701 Oh my derp! I never intended to put HiE there, I was multitasking at that moment, sorry!
I really need to quit doing that.
But, from what you have down so far, I like it.
1269634
I agree with this review, but also: Show, don't tell. The first paragraph is just a flat description of your OC. A better way would be to weave the description in with the story. Something like "I could feel the sun beating down on my crimson coat as I trotted into Ponyville, my new home. Pausing to blow a lock of my dark yellow hair out of my face, I spied a violet unicorn and a cyan pegasus in some debate. Interested, I trotted over."
Or something better than that, I haven't written in a long time
*yay* my besst friend got her fic up and its great
This story intrigues me. I enjoy the idea of taking canon content and reimagining it from the eyes of an OC, especially one who seems to be thoughtfully developed. I'm quite interested to see where it goes, as well as gain more insight into this character along the way.
1270310
Good advice. Telling so much (and so fast), the information in the opening feels rather hasty and disjointed. As a reader, I found it hard to engage with for that reason. But aside a slight tendency to over-tell—easily remedied, of course—I very much like your writing.
Do continue!
aweeeeeeeesome!!
I like the fic. I really do. Continue with this, please!
looking forward to the next chapter