Love Scars

by PikaPonyPower

A New Pony in Ponyville.

It was a summer day when I first came to Ponyville. My name is Ember Soul. I'm a unicorn with a scarlet coat and a dark yellow mane. My cutie mark looks like a blazing fire. I'm here in Ponyville 'cuz of the "Summer Sun Celebration."

As I walked down the streets of Ponyville, I saw a rainbow-maned pegasus talking to a purple unicorn. The pegasus had a blue coat and a lightning bolt shaped cutie mark. The unicorn's mane was purple with pink streaks and her cutie mark looked like a big sparkle.

"Hey, I could clear the sky in ten seconds flat!' the pegasus said.

"Prove it." the unicorn said. The cocky pegasus then zoomed across the sky. She whoosed here, she whisked there. She did indeed "clear the sky in ten seconds flat."

I rushed over to where the two ponies stood. Once there, I noticed that unicorn's mane had become quite frizzy. I walked up to the two mares to say hi.

"I don't think I've seen you around Ponyville before" the pegaus said to me, "Hey, you have a long mane for a stallion. How can you see with it covering up half your face?"

"Oh... I manage." I replied sheepishly, "Ahem. Hello, my name is Ember Soul. I'm moving into town soon. What are your names?" I then suddenly noticed the small baby dragon standing next to the purple mare.

"Ghaaa!" I screamed, "A-a-a-a dragon!"

"Oh! This is Spike," said the unicorn.

"I've never seen a dragon before," I said hesitantly.

"I've been with Spike since he was an egg," the unicorn said, "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm here from Canterlot on a special mission from Princess Celestia. It's my job to check on the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration."

"And my name is RAINBOW DASH!" she said loudly, "I'm the fastest pony you'll ever meet."

"Nice to meet all three of you," I said, nodding at Spike. The dragon waved at me. I then stared at Rainbow Dash, as though she were a puzzle I couldn't solve. After a moment of quite reflection, I realized why she looked so familiar.

"You look a lot like my younger sister," I said to Rainbow Dash, "I mean a lot like my sis. Her name is... I mean... her name was Ember Spark."

"What's her name now?" a ditsy-sounding voice behind me said. I turned around and stared at a gray pegasus with a lazy eye and blonde mane.

"Derpy, what are you doing here?" Rainbow Dash asked, irritated, "You're supposed to help clear the clouds for the Summer Sun Celebration!"

"Oh, right," Derpy said, "My bad." The scatterbrained pegasus then flew off leaving me with Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle and Spike.

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your sister,"Twilight said, "I can't imagine what life would be like without my older brother."

"Thank you," I said with a sad smile, "Well, I have to get to my new house and finish unpacking, but I'll see you guys later."

"See ya!"Rainbow shouted.

"Oh by the way, that was some pretty fancy flying!" I shouted back as I left them to head home.

I spent the rest of the day unpacking my things until I left to attend the Summer Sun Celebration. It's an event where Princess Celestia goes to one of the towns in Equestria to raise the sun.

After a brief walk, I arrived at town hall.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," Said a tan pony with a gray mane named Mayor Mare. Her cutie mark looked like documents.

"As mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!" the mayor said to the crowd, who were all quite excited.

"In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sun rise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year!"

After that I got kinda lost in thought. I've never been good at focusing on things and could kind of relate to the forgetful gray pegasus I met earlier.

"Princess Celestia!"Mayor Mare said. That caught my attention. A white unicorn pulled back the curtains and... nopony was there. The crowd murmured in surprise.

Everypony else seemed as shocked as I was, since many gasps followed this unexpected reveal.

"She's gone!" the white mare said, as she looked behind the curtain. The white mare's mane was purple and her cutie mark looked like three gems. I later learned her name was Rarity.

Then on the platform where the princess was supposed to show up, there was instead a strange purple and black mist, which then proceeded to turn into a black mare. Yes, the mist turned into a pony. The alicorn's coat was as black as midnight, with a black and purplish mane, which looked like the starry sky.

I was located so far in the back of the room that I couldn't really make out what the alicorn was saying. She spoke kind of quiet, but I could still sense the menace in her voice.

"WHAT'D YOU DO WITH OUR PRINCESS?!" Shouted Rainbow Dash from across the room. She tried to fly at the seemingly evil mare, but an orange pony stopped her. The orange mare's mane was blonde and her cutie mark depicted three apples. In addition, she wore a cowboy hat. I later learned her name was Applejack.

I moved closer to the front of the room so I could hear better.

"I did!" Twilight said, responding to something the alicorn asked, "And I know who you are! You're the mare in the moon! NIGHTMARE MOON!"

"well, well, well. Somepony who remembers me." Nightmare Moon said, coldly, "Then you also know why I'm here."

"You're here to... to... (gulp)" Twilight said, very nervously.

"Remember this day little ponies, for it is your last," Nightmare Moon said, "from this moment forth, the night... will last, FOREVER!!"

"Seize her!" the mayor said, "Only she knows where the princess is!"

"Stand back you foals!" Nightmare Moon shouted as she pushed the guards away, "Mhaa! Haaa! Haaaa!" She continued laughing as she made her escape. While everypony was panicking, I just stood there terrified as Nightmare Moon's words echoed in my head.

"Night... FOREVER!"

As I stood there, another, more horrifying thought entered my mind.

"if it's night forever, then it might come back," I thought, as a chill ran down my spine. I then rushed out of town hall.

My horn lit up and I teleported back home. Once there, I looked through my stuff, to find a certain book. Whenever I think of that... thing, the left side of my face starts hurting, like a burning sensation. The book I was looking for contained advanced level healing spells, one of which was able to make the left side of my face hurt less.

My face felt like it was on fire as I ran to a large mirror on my dresser to look at my reflection. Using one of my fore-hooves, I lifted my mane up to where it no longer obscured the left side of my disfigured face.

A long scar was etched deep along the left side of my face and had left me blind in that eye. It served as a painful memento left behind by the thing I feared most. Another scar on my left cheek had left three gashes in it, which were left by sharp talons.

Just then, my scar started glowing, like it always does when it starts hurting like crazy. Not long after I resumed my search, I found the book I was looking for and performed the necessary spell. After a few moments, the pain had stopped, but I couldn't stop thinking that the thing that gave me this scar might come back.

END OF CHAPTER ONE.

Comments

[PikaPonyPower]

Hey, hope you like the story. It was my first time, so I had my big bro help me. So I hope you like it and feel free to comment.

[PikaPonyPower]

It's uuuuuuuuuppppppp!!! I'm SO happy!! I'm so happy they liked it, since it's my first time, I was worried. But it's up.

[HikariToYami]

Ok, I will most definately follow this, you have my interests peaked!

[Jamiroquai]

To be honest, there hasn't been a fic that caught my interest in a while.

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[reflexrex]

Pretty good so far. Certainly I have seen far worse. Couple things though: So far as I can recall, Twilight is the only non-alicorn, non-Pinkie character to have used a teleport spell. Not saying others can't, but just be careful that Ember Soul doesn't turn into a mary sue/gary stu. In short, don't make him overpowered. Good characters have real flaws and exploitable weaknesses. I'm actually pretty intrigued by what he's afraid of too. Griffins and dragons aren't nocturnal, so what could it be that hurt him? This is a good example of how to catch the reader's interest, by giving them an important unknown to puzzleover.

Derpy was in great character here, you got her comical misunderstanding of things just right. Can't say much about Twilight/Rainbow Dash/Rarity, because they only have canon lines in this. I'm also interested to see how you handle Ember's backstory, with the dead sibling. Done right, it can give real depth and emotion to a character. And just a suggestion here, but I feel you would benefit a lot from a more expansive vocabulary. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't get 'samey', but being able to use different ways to say the same thing is always beneficial to any author.

All in all, good job so far! I'll track this and see where it goes. And feel free to drop me a line if you want to throw some ideas around (though clearly your BBBFF is doing a pretty great job so fardl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png ).

EDIT: Oh, and something I forgot to mention: a very easy trap to fall into is switching tenses, and you have my respect for not doing so. It's the simplest mistake to make, I do it myself. And yet it can comlpetely change the feel of a fic. So I guess I'm saying hearty congratulations for knowing how the language works, and for attention to detail as well.

[PikaPonyPower]

1269539
I actually hadn't planned on having a human in this story, but I might write one someday. I've personally never been that interested in HiE stories.

[NightCore]

Hmm, you have me curious as to what this "thing" is that Ember is so afraid of. You dropped some serious things in this chapter that has me wondering about Ember Soul and his past so I'm interesting as far as that goes.
One thing that was kinda bugging me is that scenes seem to change so suddenly. There wasn't anything in between the action.

Following this for now. I'm looking forward to getting to know Ember Soul.

~Have a good one.

[Jamiroquai]

1269701 Oh my derp! I never intended to put HiE there, I was multitasking at that moment, sorry! I really need to quit doing that.

But, from what you have down so far, I like it.

[MidnightDancer]

1269634

I agree with this review, but also: Show, don't tell. The first paragraph is just a flat description of your OC. A better way would be to weave the description in with the story. Something like "I could feel the sun beating down on my crimson coat as I trotted into Ponyville, my new home. Pausing to blow a lock of my dark yellow hair out of my face, I spied a violet unicorn and a cyan pegasus in some debate. Interested, I trotted over."

Or something better than that, I haven't written in a long time

[Autumn Storm]

*yay* my besst friend got her fic up and its great

[The Sweezlenub]

This story intrigues me. I enjoy the idea of taking canon content and reimagining it from the eyes of an OC, especially one who seems to be thoughtfully developed. I'm quite interested to see where it goes, as well as gain more insight into this character along the way.

1270310
Good advice. Telling so much (and so fast), the information in the opening feels rather hasty and disjointed. As a reader, I found it hard to engage with for that reason. But aside a slight tendency to over-tell—easily remedied, of course—I very much like your writing.

Do continue!

[Misty Night]

aweeeeeeeesome!!

[BronyFTW]

I like the fic. I really do. Continue with this, please!

[Notactive]

looking forward to the next chapter