She appeared as if from nowhere, a dark shadowed figure full of dread magic. Shining Armor and Cadance scowled with apprehension, but her attention was on the _other_ shadowy overlord that stood before her. Only one could remain.
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I'd say if you do write the clop parts, kick them off into a secondary story for it so you can keep this one relatively SFW.
Have nothing agains a lttle clop scene with marking. But a whole chapter? Then its better in a additional story.
But i think you need more tags. 100% romance and maybe sex if you do it here.
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I like the chapter. Miss a little bit more of Shinings view, but good neverless.
I'd recommend putting clop in a separate 'story'. Even if you don't write enough sexy-times to count as it's own chapter, you can make 'extended' or 'uncut' versions of chapters with the serious bedtime inserted in the appropriate place.
Haaah, that took them long enough... forty-two chapters, wow. As to the naughty stuff, if it serves the story overall, do it. Just... for the love of all the fluffy bunnies in the world, don't shunt it off into a separate story for the sole purpose of posting the naughty stuff in there, it really does a disservice to such a great story. Perhaps I am a bit prejudiced in that regard, but it really easily breaks the narration and immersion. >.>
I think that there so much more you can do with the story and it characters if you involve nsfw content. It could form core components of there relationship that we don’t normally get to see with out it
Nice chapter.
Try not to let any of the other readers peer-pressure you, make sure any decisions you come to regarding the story are what you actually want.
One of the main reasons I like this story so much is that the characters talk about sensitive topics like calm rational adults. The fact everyone communicates properly cuts back on unnecessary drama and moves the story along nicely.
11108748
Umbra is an adult in an immature world. Fortunately, she finds the immature parts more endearing than anything else, and is willing to sit down and explain things calmly.
11108599
Yes. This precisely.
You could always make an intermedian chapter with the sexual stuff, that would allow for a time skip, if people don't want to read that kind of stuff. and then just have the next chapter after that just pick up after the event.
I appreciate your progressive messaging, and I totally agree with it, but I'd rather this story try and bite off a little less at once. Being hit with sex stuff and praxis at the same time was a bit much for me. I'd keep the clop separate, yeah, and maybe try and be a little less... expositional? Nothing against your story so far, but this chapter felt like I was just sitting here reading someone's manifesto and then the horses started making out. Still liking the story, though.
11108915
Well... Yeah, that happened. Not even the first time they pressed Umbra on her Earth Views. Then kissing! I do hope it was all in character? Umbra is speaking to someone who attempted-raped her. She's laying a firm line in the sand of how it can proceed, or not.
11108949
well yeah I got nothing against the messaging, or the content, and it was in character. But it wasn't written, well.... well. You done good this time champ, no worries. I know I've been harsh in the past about your messaging, but you did good. I'd recommend trying to make things a little more... of a story, when you lay out info. like umbra being hesitant, and coy, and explaining things a lot more visually. Or just, add spice. For lack of a better term. I'm no author. Draw more attention to the situation than just, them roboting words back and forth. I can tell this is a recurring problem for you that you've been working on, and good for you on that. I think this time it only got my attention because it was immersion breaking. All in all, as I said, still loving the story.
I have to agree with 11108748 here. The characters talking through these kinds of things is one of my favorite parts of this story. It's a great way to help flesh out the characters. It seems particularly fitting for stories like this where their background cultures are so different to talk things over and can help with world building. Some of the back and forth from earlier in the story about being trans and their experiences was a welcome perspective I had never encountered before. There have been occasions I have had a difficult time following the dialog and come out of somewhat confused, but at the time it felt like that may have been intentional since the characters seemed unsure about their own thoughts. Overall, I've found it interesting, possibly just because its new and is rarely done. I can't really comment from a technical writing quality perspective though since I feel like that's one of the areas I struggle with myself when writing.
As for the NSFW stuff, I feel like sometimes there are things you just cant fully explore without some of it. To me at least, their connection feel like one of those things that might have aspects difficult to explore otherwise. I think putting it in a separate, labeled chapter is a decent compromise if you are worried people will have issues with it, but opening a new tab for a side story isn't hard either. I know there is a minimum on story size, but there is nothing wrong with short chapters if its a small scene. Just try and recap anything important that develops in the next chapter for people that skip it.
Whether or not you do it at all, well unless you are completely neutral to the idea, it should be up to you. If you don't feel like it has a place in your story don't do it just to please us. After all, don't they say, the audience is always wrong? since you can never please everyone, you might as well be happy with your story.
I’m not reading this for clop. I never expected there to really be anything beyond talking about it in a non PG manner. However, if it fits the story and you think that it something that will help connect more to the characters more that just a bland, they did the sex, then do it. But only if it feels right. Don’t force it in or make it awkward. You can try writing it out different ways to see how it goes but ultimately whatever you decide on, I’ll still read on. I really like this story because of this whole gender bender thing. Or whatever the proper word is. I’m not sure what to call it. But every other story with the guy being a mare they are always forced into it and made to like it. I like this because even though he became a she and a pony, they were fine with it and enjoying just being their new best self. So sex or no sex, it’s still a great story.
11109650
How is this chapter? Does it distract from the point or work with it?
11109691
This chapter felt right, maybe except the shining part felt a little awkward and out of place.
In terms of going further I think is fine, but maybe without going into porn territory/getting overly descriptive.
11109787
Awkward and out of place, like Shining right now. Good. That intent was communicated successfully!
11109691
Works with it. Nothing felt out of place or forced into the story.
I'd say it works with it. The progressions feels natural and that's what's good. No sudden jumps od logic but great character growth.
I feel that if you wanna do clop it might work. It depends on what you want the focus to be. If it's their relationship then clop will most definitely work. If your focus is more on Umbra exploring the world the the clop can be a separate part to acknowledge that it's there.
11108599
42 chapters is short compared to how long many anime draw out their romance stories.
Nothing wrong with cloppy chapters as long as they come naturally. As in characters grow into that kind of relationships. And not too often. It's nice to find a few steamy chapters in a good story. It isn't nice to look for a story bits and pieces in an ocean of suspicious fluids. I've seen a few stories like that here. Overtime they become annoying to read since constant sex becomes annoying, meaningless. Some fics do manage to dance right on the edge between too much and meaningful, but it's rather thin edge.
So, in short, if you want to make a good dish don't spice it too much. Not every dish needs spicing up, but this one probably do.
Wait a minute. Were they leaned in with their noses already pressed against each other or not?
11247402
11247402
Oops, fixed!
All the Snu-Snu's, snuggels and cuddles
Maybe Shining joins in the future
I'm still going to read the story either way but a strait up sex scene I would probably skip past.
This was positively adorable and I loved it.
Shining Armor was probably never harder than after this
There was once a edit picture of a wingboner being a wing made out of dicks.
So they kinda blow job one another
On another note is Pegasus/ Alicorn saliva different from others? I think I remember that ducks use a oil secretion to keep their feathers water proof.
11672149
Very logical. You need the right saliva to get wings ready.