We Are Now Two-Thirds Of The Way to a Warren Zevon Song
Well, all the drinking had seemed like a good idea at the time.
“HURBGBLBL.” Rarity, ever the picture of social courtesy, had managed to stick her face more or less into a storm drain before upchucking a very expensive lunch.
Rainbow Dash did her best to rub a comforting hoof across the unicorn’s withers, although the wooden box strapped across her back made access a little difficult. She settled for a lower position along the bottom of shoulder joint. “Feeling better?”
“Not – hurk –particularly, no.” A spit. “Mercifully, I needn’t have you hold my mane back, which is a rare plus to my present condition.”
“Good positive thinking, Rares.” Rainbow Dash opened her saddlebag, removing a napkin and holding it with a wing. “Focus on the good stuff, not that you’re puking on a busy street in front of twenty ponies.”
“Oh, swell, a crowd.” Rarity pulled her head up from the drain, taking the offered napkin and wiping her face.
“Want me to get rid of them?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow, writhing her lips in an attempt to clear the taste of what was once sushi. “I’m – eugh – not sure how you think you’d accomplish that, but I’d like to see you try, at least.”
“Easy. Watch this!” Rainbow Dash turned around, facing the rough semi-circle of ponies that had gathered around the unusual spectacle. “Whew! Sorry about that, guys. Just a little contagious illness that my friend here caught in the tropics.” She patted the top of Rarity’s rump with a hoof, noting, with satisfaction, the worried looks that were beginning to spread around the group of Fillydelphians. “Yep! Just a little acute outbreak of, uh–” she thought for a moment, trying to remember a disease that caused nausea “–Mareburg hemorrhagic fever.”
“Oh dear Celestia! Mareburg?” A panicked mare in the crowd took two steps back. “Is – is it the Horsecht strain?”
“…Yes?” Rainbow Dash replied noncommittally, shrugging.
“WE’RE DEAD!” The mare ran off screaming, followed, after a moment’s delay, by the rest of the crowd.
“…Wow.” Rarity threw the besmirched napkin into the storm drain. Apparently, she was only usually the picture of social courtesy, and a spot of littering was acceptable now and then. “I’m impressed. What did you tell them I had?”
“Mareburg fever. It gives you a fever and vomiting, then your blood vessels, like, explode, and you die horribly.”
“Lovely,” Rarity deadpanned. “I suppose their panic was justified, then. Did you read about that in your history books as well?”
“Nah.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I just learned about to fuck with Cloudkicker. She’s crazy scared of germs and stuff, so I asked Twilight to tell me about the really bad ones one time. It’s tons of fun to watch her freak out when I tell her I’ve got some horrible brain disease.” She snorted a laugh. “She flew through a plate glass window once when I said I had Zebrapox. Shit was great.”
“For once, your cruelty is unexpectedly clever.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “If only we could get you to use that much brainpower the rest of the time.”
“Oh, nah. Doesn’t work like that. Even with the smarts, I’m a sprinter, not a marathon flier.” Rainbow Dash gestured with a wing. “Now come on, we’ve got to meet with that chick from the government before we get on the ship.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. How far away is it now? I feel like we’ve been walking from the train station for ages.”
“Well, it’s, uh–” Rainbow Dash looked at a map she retrieved from a saddlebag. “–it’s still on Seventeenth Street, and the train station was on third.”
“Uh-huh.” Rarity looked around for a street sign. “And what are we on now? Surely we’re at least into the ‘teens,’ yes?”
“Uh, we’re on–” Rainbow Dash peered a little closer into the map “–uh, fifth. We’ve made it two streets.”
“TWO?” Rarity exclaimed. “That’s impossible! What, is this city run by Discord? Has conventional geometry ceased to function in the Celestia-damned place?”
“Maybe.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I don’t know, it doesn’t seem that bad to me. Didn’t you, like, hike out of the Everfree Forest bleeding and on fire?”
“Well, yes, I did, but I wasn’t carrying this enormously heavy thing on my back.” She kicked at the ground, sending a few pieces of gravel into the gutter. “And it wasn’t on fucking cobblestones either! Whoever installed these should be garroted!”
Rainbow Dash eyed the pavement. “I don’t think cobblestones are that bad. I think they’re kinda nice looking, actually.”
“Well of course you don’t!” Rarity pointed a forehoof, wobbling a little as she struggled to hold the load on three hooves. “You’ve been flying the whole time!”
“Not my fault you didn’t get born with wings, Rarity.” Rainbow Dash thought for a moment. “Or that Twilight is apparently more … harmonious, or something.”
“Oh, gods, don’t remind me.” Rarity, after a deep breath, set off towards the meeting point. “I suppose there’s nothing for it than to press on, then. I hope you have more of those napkins.”
They had made it, albeit just barely.
“Is – is this it?” Rarity panted out, covered in sweat, the toll of hauling her luggage exacerbated enormously by the pounding heat of a Fillydelphia summer. “Did we make it?”
“Yeah, actually.” Rainbow Dash looked up at a clock-tower, which rose tastefully from a pavilion in the center of the park. “Not by much, but we did.”
“Thank Celestia,” moaned Rarity, flopping to her side into the finely-manicured Bermareuda grass. “How much longer until she shows up?”
“Well, she said five, so, uh,” Rainbow Dash stared at the clock tower, trying her best to remember how to subtract times from one another. “Like, five minutes, maybe?”
“Excellent.” Rarity reached for her left saddlebag, fishing for a pack of cigarettes. “Judging by the intense pain in my chest, it should be just enough time for my heart to explode, or, barring that, perhaps a quick smoke.”
“Sounds healthy.” Rainbow Dash turned away from the clock tower, rolling her eyes. “Maybe try some cardio? You could probably stand to lose a few anyway.”
“First off, eat shit, because my physique is perfect,” countered Rarity, with all the confidence of somepony who wasn’t particularly confident at all. “And I’ll have you know I do plenty of cardiovascular activity.”
“I don’t think whining counts as cardio, but you might push it far enough.” Rainbow Dash offered a water bottle. “Thirsty?”
A weak nod. “I probably ought to, yes, but do spare me a moment. I want to make sure I actually keep it down, as opposed to making another dash for a storm drain.” She chuckled. “Somehow, I doubt you have many more tropical diseases with which to scare off a crowd.”
Rainbow Dash shrugged, taking a drink from the bottle. “You’d be surprised,” she replied around a mouthful of water. “I read, like, all the books in Twi’s library about 'em. You ever heard of blue mange?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow, scanning her friend with a single open eye. “What, is that what happened to you?”
“Oh, ha-ha, good one Rares.” Rainbow Dash huffed playfully. “And I was going to tell you about the awesome symptoms and everything, and now you don’t get to know.”
“Oh, no, how will I ever go on without knowing the horrific symptoms of another disease.” Rarity deadpanned. She waved a hoof in dismissal. “And, for what it’s worth, I didn’t mean whining for my cardiovascular health. I take a brisk trot around the town every morning, which you would know if you were ever awake before noon.”
“Around town?” Rainbow Dash traced an outline of the town in the air with a hoof, scrunching her face in the intense effort of mental math. “But that’s about the same distance as what we just walked.” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Are you usually this gassed?”
“No, I’m not, because I usually do it with an assortment of tasteful and colorful sweatbands, not, oh, I don’t know, two laden saddlebags and the entire fucking lumber selection of Barnyard Bargains strapped to my back.”
“I mean, I didn’t tell you to bring along a coffee table, or whatever that is. Pretty sure this is all your fault.”
“Correct, but that it is my fault does not preclude me complaining about it.” She gestured with her hoof in a “come-hither” motion. “Now pass that bottle, I’m probably literally dying.”
Rainbow Dash leaned down to the grass, pushing the bottle–
A snort. “You two are the ones I’m supposed to be meeting?”
The two Bearers looked up from the ground. A painfully gray pegasus mare in a mostly conservative suit-jacket (all-business on the collar, but a little daring on the hemline) eyed them with a look of distaste not dissimilar to that one would use for pigs rolling in their own filth.
“That depends.” Rarity returned her gaze, rolling upright. “Are you, er–” she tried to remember the name given to her in the viscount’s instructions “– one Internal Audit, from the Revenue Ministry?”
“No.” Another glare. “The position is correct, but Internal Audit is my sister. My name, as provided by that idiot Viscount in the letter you obviously didn’t read, is External Audit. I hope your apparently subpar memory doesn’t relate to your ability to handle government property.”
“My deepest apologies,” snarked Rarity. “Judging by her name, I presume she is also a member of your esteemed service?”
“No. My sister is a prominent Manehattan proctologist.” She opened a back saddlebag with a wing, retrieving a velvet bag. “If you’re done asking inane questions, let’s get started. I have much better things to do.”
Rarity stood all the way up. “I’m sure you do, like fining little fillies running lemonade stands, or kicking puppies.”
“Hilarious.” The mare’s face didn’t move. “I presume you’re one ‘Rarity Belle,’ correct? Either that, or your friend here picked up an extralegal companion on the way here.” A faint smile. “It’s somewhat hard to tell, what with all the sweat and smeared makeup.”
Rarity scowled, answering through clenched teeth. “That would be me, yes. You read my file, then?”
“Of course. It’s basic due dilligence.” The government mare was now fully grinning, albeit with all the friendliness of a timberwolf circling a piece of meat, a situation Rarity was unexpectedly familiar with. “You know, Countess, I had a look over some records of yours when the viscount told me I was to meet you. I think I saw some irregularities, big enough ones to necessitate an audit.” She licked her lips, unnervingly canine-like. “Ministry policy is four years, but I like to do seven.”
Rarity recoiled in shock. “S-seven? I don’t have seven years of records! My shop hasn’t existed for seven years!”
“Sounds like evasion to me, and I’ve never lost a case.” She twirled the bag around her hoof on its drawstrings. “But don’t worry, I’ve heard spending time on a penal farm is a great way to lose weight.”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash landed between the two mares, drawing up close to the taxmare’s face and spreading her wings slightly in challenge. “I don’t know what the hell your problem is, but neither of us have done anything to you, so why don’t you chill out a little bit, huh?”
The pegasus’ wings stayed resolutely glued to her side, but Rainbow Dash’s response had earned an eyebrow raise. “My problem is that you two somehow convinced my boss to send me out to this sweltering provincial shithole of a city, when I should have been enjoying the magnificent hooves of my favorite Canterlot massage-boy.”
“Oh boo-hoo.” Rainbow Dash wiped her eyes of mock tears. “You have to do your job.”
“No, my job is to deal with pony’s taxes, not get involved in the magical bullshit that has somehow infected Equestria over the past four years or so. Do you know how much work two more princesses has created? I had to sit down with a few of the other Revenuers and rewrite the whole book. Twice.”
“And how is that our problem?” Rarity scoffed.
“It’s not, probably.” The mare said. “But whenever something happens, one of the princess’ six little pets is always there, so I figure it’s probably your fault.”
Rainbow Dash pushed a little closer, forehoof raising off the ground menacingly. “Pets? You want to run that one by me again, bitch?”
“Hit me, and it’s ten years.” A smirk.
“Ponyslaughter is only twenty.” Rainbow Dash stomped a back hoof, wings fully splayed. “Guess I’ll just break your neck while I’m at it, huh?”
“Try me.” She snorted. “I did four years as a field agent. I could turn you into a skidmark.”
Rainbow Dash drew in even closer, snout nearly touching her adversary. “Oh yeah? Bring it on, slut. I’ve got nothing to–”
“Yes, we do.” Rarity shoved her way in between the two mares. “We have about nine million bits to lose.” She turned to the government pony. “So let’s just get this over with, hmm?Before you say something so stupid I let Rainbow go ahead and kick your ass.”
The revenuer paused for a moment, eyes still locked with Rainbow Dash’s, then relaxed slightly. “… Fine. I don’t care either way, although it’s been too long since I’ve kicked out somepony’s teeth.” She turned to look at Rarity. “I presume you’re not so much of an idiot that you can read a spell-book?”
“I can.” Rarity nodded. “Why do–” She found herself interrupted by the propulsion of a hard-back book into her face. “–oof!”
“Open that to page thirty-four and cast that spell, please.”
“Why do you need me to cast anything?” Rarity asked, face contorted confusion.
The revenuer rolled her eyes. “Because they didn’t send me with a unicorn attendant because you were here, and I need somebody to cast the spell to lock Mrs. Dash to this Purse.”
“Oh, uh,” Rarity coughed. “Er, I, ah, can’t do that.”
“What? Did you break your horn off or something?”
“No, I most certainly did – hey!” Rarity waved a futile forehoof at the hat being held above her head. “Put that back!”
“Ugh, gross,” said the mare with a sneer. “How did you manage to get herpes on your face?”
Rarity managed to snatch the hat out of her opponent’s hoof, placing it back onto her head. “I did not–”
“Yeah, whatever. Celestia, you’re even worse than I thought.” The revenuer huffed. “I can’t believe this. I get dragged out here and now I have to hunt down some poor unicorn because you’re too useless?”
Rainbow Dash backed up, eyes narrowing. “What do you mean, hunt down?”
She had meant it quite literally, actually.
“Oh goddess, wha – what is wrong with you?” Rarity, eyebrows wide in befuddlement, pointed a hoof at the tax officer’s cargo: a terrified unicorn colt.
“I needed a unicorn. I got a unicorn.” She shucked the colt off her back onto the ground. “We don’t have all day, after all.”
“You stole a child?”
“I didn’t steal him, I requisitioned him,” the mare explained, tossing the spell-book to the colt.
“Ho – how does one requisition a child?” asked Rarity incredulously.
“I need your child,” said the dour-clothed pegasus, with the exact kind of uninterested tone one uses when ordering slices of cheese from a deli.
“Y- you what?” The Earth pony mare pulled her foal protectively against herself, hackles raising. “Who the hell do you think you–”
“You don’t understand, ma’am.” The pegasi removed a badge from her vest pocket. “I’m from Revenue.”
The mare’s face broke its stoic impasse, falling into a light smirk. “Revenue gets her marks.”
“M-m-miss,” the colt stammered out. “C-can I go back to my momm–”
“No.” The mare tossed the book at the colt, who caught it in a shaky magical field. “And shut it. Every stupid question is ten points off your credit score, kid.”
Rarity gasped. “You wouldn’t. Not to a child.”
A nod, another smirk. “I would.”
The colt stared back, wide-eyed. “W-what’s a credit score, miss?”
“The evilest kind of magic.” Rarity answered, eyes narrowed into gun-slits at the treacherous agent. “Invented by the very foulest kinds of pony.”
“P-p-pegasi?” stammered out the colt. Both pegai present shot him a look.
Rarity barely stifled a snorted laugh as she shook her head, eyes narrowing. “Ah, no, even worse. The financial sector.”
The agent rolled her eyes. “How enlightened. If you’re done being unreasonably bigoted. we have a job to do.” She pointed with a foreleg at Rainbow Dash. “Put your hoof in the purse and hold still.”
Rainbow Dash suspiciously placed her forehoof inside the velvet bag.
Satisfied, the agent turned to the foal. “Turn to page thirty-four and cast that spell. Hold on the first half, please.”
“Um, okay.” The colt opened the book in his field, leafing through the pages. “Wh-what does this spell do, um, anyway?”
The agent shot him a look of exasperation. “Ten. Points.”
He nodded hurriedly, eyes wide in not-totally understood fear, before looking back down to the book. He frowned. “Um, I, uh, don’t know if I can cast this, cause, uh, we haven’t gotten to polyspells in school yet, an-and teach told me that if I messed one up it could overcharge the–”
“Look, whatever, kid, just cast it.” The agent waved a wing in dismissal. “It will probably just fizzle if you screw it up.”
Shakily, the colt followed instructions, horn lighting. A faint corona lit around Rainbow Dash.
“Uh, i-is this it?” The colt asked shakily.
“Yes, it is.” The agent turned to Rainbow Dash. “Repeat after me. ‘I, your name, do swear allegiance to the Celestial Crown and all the offices therein…”
Rainbow Dash looked down at the now-glowing velvet bag her hoof currently resided in, then back up, gulping in distrust. “I, uh, your name, do–”
The revenuer rolled her eyes in disgust. “No, dumbass, you say your name.”
“Oh, uh, guess you should have been clearer.” Rainbow Dash resumed her oath. “I, Rainbow Dash, do swear allegiance to the Celestial Crown and all the offices therein…”
“Great, glad you were able to get that done.” The agent waved a wing in front of the colt’s face. “Hey, kid? Cast the second half of that spell when she finishes this line, okay?” She turned back to Rainbow Dash. “Repeat again. ‘I, therefore, do humbly request access in perpetuity to this Purse and to the wider Treasury beyond.’ Got it?”
Rainbow Dash nodded. “I, therefore, do humbly request access in perpetuity to this Purse and to the wider Treasury beyond.”
The bag remained the same as it had been, still glowing faintly.
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake – Hey, kid!” The mare waved her wing again, this time more insistently. “Cast the spell!”
With a nod, the colt’s horn blasted into a wide corona, filling the space around the purse with a glow.
Rainbow Dash’s eyes shot wide as she fidgeted, a sparkling corona slinking up her foreleg. “Oh, uh, wow, this is really uncomfortable.” She squirmed her wings. “Is-is it supposed to, like, burn? Cause that seems, like, impractical if these things go out all the time.”
“Oh! Duh!” The taxmare smacked her head theatrically, rolling her eyes. “I forgot to write in the challenge response in the book.” She chuckled to herself, locking eyes with Rarity with eyes glinting of glee. “I guess I forgot while I was, oh–” she tapped her chin “–kicking puppies. Yes, that was it, right?”
“You what?” Rainbow Dash had started sweating, both from worry and the sizzling sensation moving up her foreleg. “What does that mean?”
“It means that as soon as Junior here finishes up with that–”
As if on cue, the colt’s horn darkened with a “pop.” He collapsed to the ground, panting in effort.
“–spell, you’re going to come face to fa – well, technically, hoof to bag with the best efforts of Revenue’s Enforcement spell-grammers.”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes shot from bag, to foreleg, to agent, and back to bag. “Wait, what does th–ARGH!” With an ear-splittingly loud “BZZZZZT,” a series of bolts of arcane electricity shot from the bag into its wearer, rendering her a convulsing mess in the grass.
Rarity, struck by the horror of what she was watching, reached out a hoof to help; unfortunately, she was rendered motionless, presumably due to a dilemma as to whether she should reach out to help her seizing friend or plant it with as much force as possible directly into the agent’s smarmy face.
The agent, watching Rarity’s eyes, snorted in amusement. “Oh, I wouldn’t touch her if I was you. That spell travels well. You could knock out a whole racing eight with that.”
The words struck Rarity out of her fugue. She shook her head to clear her thoughts, dropping into a wrestler’s crouch and gesturing threateningly at her opponent. “Y-you bitch! What is wrong with you?”
“Oh, that?” The government mare pointed at the convulsing form of Rainbow Dash, who seemed to have ridden through the worst of it. A few more weak shocks leapt from the bag. “Oh, no, I genuinely just forgot.” She shrugged. “I’m not sorry or anything, because, oh, you know, two tax codes, but it’s more a happy accident than anything.”
“A HAPPY ACCIDENT?” Rarity screeched. “You just electrocuted my friend with arcano-bolts and you’re happy?”
“I didn’t electrocute her.” The mare swept a wingtip across her jacket lapel. “Electrocution would mean she died. She is very much alive, I assure you.”
Rarity pointed a hoof in accusation. “How do you know that?”
“Because you can’t prosecute dead people. Much better to have the spell immobilize somepony so the agents can retrieve them.” She repeated the move with the other wing and other lapel. “She’ll be up in, oh, ten minutes?” She shrugged. “I hope you don’t have a boat to catch or anything like that.”
“I do, as a matter of – whoa.” Rarity looked past the mare, blinking a few times. “Ten minutes, you said?”
“Yes, I did.” She turned. “What, did your dim-witted friend wake up early or – well!”
Rainbow Dash, distinctly not unconscious and wearing the purse as a necklace, stood shakily, with eyes narrowed and wings fully splayed. Her tail, still smoking slightly, twitched back and forth in abject anger.
The agent snorted. “What you lack in intelligence you must make up for with a robust constitution.” She turned back to Rarity. “Well, it looks like you’ll make your boat after all.”
Rarity glowered back. “I suppose we–”
“CRACK.” The sound of a baseball bat hitting a solid line drive punctuated the air. A fresh line of crimson splashed across Rarity’s chest, falling across her already-dulled coat and harness.
With a shake, Rainbow Dash removed a rear hoof from the agent’s now thoroughly hoof-shaped face, shaking off a tooth or two. She offered a napkin to Rarity, gesturing towards the stain across her front. “Want one?”
The two Ponyville mares hustled down the oceanside pier, walking side by side except for the occasional dodge of a stevedore.
“Oh, wonderful thinking, Rainbow.” Rarity mocked. “Let’s just assault the crown agent. That will make for a wonderful beginning to our journey! Stellar!”
“She kidnapped a child and used him to electrocute me, Rarity.” Rainbow Dash shot back. “What did you expect me to do? Hug her?”
“Nothing!” Rarity replied, hooves nearly stumbling over a too-tall paving stone. “I expected you to do nothing! Seethe? Pout, perhaps? Not assault somepony!”
“Oh, that’s rich.” Rainbow Dash snorted. “Hey, remember that time, like, a week and a half ago when you straight-up whacked a dude for vengeance? Because you apparently don’t.”
“I beg your pardon?” Rarity asked incredulously. “Murder? I did no such thing! That was self defense!”
“Really? Self defense? From, like, a hilltop away?”
“He had demonstrated intent!” Rarity countered. “It was, ah, preemptive self-defense.”
“So, not self-defense?”
“Mmm, fine! It’s semantics anyway!” Rarity stomped a few more steps, then turned her head to address Rainbow Dash. “But I didn’t do it in an urban park, nor did I leave my … assailant around to expose my actions to the world. Grisly as it was, I settled that.”
Rainbow Dash looked back, amusement cutting through some of the scowl she was wearing. “What, you’re saying I should have polished her off? Tossed her in a dumpster?”
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t have, although, er,” Rarity thought for a moment, “perhaps not with a child present.” She shook her head. “Regardless, I hate to imagine what sort of welcome we will receive on arrival. I daresay the legal system travels faster than steamships.”
“What? Nah.” Rainbow Dash waved a hoof. “I’m sure it will be fine. Besides, aren’t you some kind of snooty princess-thing over there? Can’t you just, like, say ‘no, she’s fine, don’t take her to jail’ or something?”
“I doubt my powers extend enough to issue pardons, although I daresay I haven’t actually looked.” Rarity shrugged, resuming her brisk walk down the pier. “If that is indeed the case, I’ll make sure to provide you with the proverbial stay of execution.”
“Well, if you can, you probably ought to use it on yourself first, huh?” Rainbow Dash joined back up, falling in beside her heavily laden friend. “Now come on, hustle up. We’ve got to make it to pier seventeen.”
“Ugh, Godddesses above!” Rarity swore. “I thought we already passed it. Where is this damn ‘Pier Seventeen’ anyway?”
“Probably between the sixteenth and eighteenth pier.” Rainbow Dash deadpanned. “What did you expect?”
“Not this!” Rarity huffed in exasperation. “Maybe it would start in the middle! Maybe it would start at twenty and we’d be walking down it!”
“Why would it do that?”
“I don’t know!” Rarity grumbled. “Why wouldn’t it? Numbers don’t have to make sense!”
“They kinda do, cause, that’s, like, what they do.” Rainbow Dash smirked. “Are you sure you ever passed math?”
“Yes, I’m sure I passed fucking math. I made a C-plus.” Rarity shot back. “And numbers do not have to make sense. Why do the mailbox numbers in Ponyville start at ten thousand? There’s not ten thousand houses!”
“There’s not?” Rainbow Dash asked, stopping and shaking out a distinctly sore hoof. “Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure, Rainbow.” Rarity snorted in derision. “There are clearly not ten thousand houses in Ponyville.”
“Oh.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I guess that explains why Pinkie and I couldn’t find house number one.”
“You two didn’t give up after, say, not finding anything below a thousand?” Rarity raised an eyebrow.
“What? No, there’s something below a thousand. Sugarcube Corner is eight or something.”
“Eight?” Rarity asked incredulously.
“Yeah. Just, like, zero zero zero zero eight. That’s why I always thought there was a one.”
“I suppose that would make sense whilst counting. I daresay I can’t imagine why the town’s planners would have assigned a number like that.” Once again, Rarity chalked it up to a quirk of the ley lines. She stopped suddenly, face brightening up. “Oh! Would you look at that sign! Pier seventeen!”
Rainbow Dash looked up from the pavement, eyes widening at the sight of the magnificent ship at said mooring. “Oh wow! We’re getting to ride on that?”
Rarity scanned the ship’s fine lines. “Well, it does look like quite a nice vessel as these things go, although–”
“Quite a nice vessel?’ Rarity, are you crazy?” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “That’s Umbria, from the Celestial Line! That’s the biggest and fastest screw steamer in the world!”
“Oh, swell!” Rarity sniffed once. “I don’t know what any of that means. Where did you learn all that?”
“I read Mane’s, okay? I like the warships, but that’s not important.” Rainbow Dash fluttered her wings in glee, still somewhat uncoordinated from the earlier shocks. “What’s important is that we’re going on the nicest ship in the world, Umbria.”
“It doesn’t look all that special,” muttered Rarity. “And in my experience ships are all terrible anyway. Every one I’ve ever been on turned into a miserable sweat-filled cocoon within the first hour, and–”
“There’s a ballroom.” Rainbow Dash interjected. “At least, I think there is, because I kind of skimmed all the frou-frou stuff, but I’m pretty sure.”
Rarity paused for a moment, mouth open in mid-rant silence, before giving a slight shrug. “Well, it’s a start at least.” She took another look over the vessel. “Still! I can’t believe that the government is so willing to splurge on us. I daresay I expected some sort of fishing vessel to be waiting for us at seventeen, not this–”
A longshoremare guffawed as she walked past, turning to address the two mares. “Oh, seventeen?”
“Yes, that’s correct.” Rarity gestured at the ship. “This is seventeen, right?”
“No, the signs come in front. This is sixteen.” The dockworker pointed to the next space. “That’s seventeen.”
Both mares followed the soiled hoof, eyes begrudgingly falling away from the lovely two-funnel steamship and towards–
“Oh.” Rarity said with a growing frown. “I suppose that makes sense.”
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That...actually is a pretty good description of her intelligence all right.
Of all the Rarity sort of things to say, this is probably one of the most Raritiest.
Do...do they even have a credit score at that age? Because I'm thirty-one, and last time I checked, I was told I didn't have a credit score, because unlike most of the rest of the world, I'm actually smart with my money and have never had need to go into debt for anything or pay for something on credit before.
So unless that kid took out a mortgage before even finishing grade school or something...
Then I hope the resulting massive magical explosion that will probably ensue instead will at least do the world a favor and take out this agent with it.
I'd choose the latter--Rainbow's been struck by lightning before and managed to walk it off, so she'll be fine.
Well, it can't be any worse than assassinating the griffon ambassador, then covering up said assassination, as well as proceeding to do what I'm pretty sure on some level is a fraudulent and corrupt international act so to retrieve Luna's missing money pouch from another nation without the immediate notice of the relevant authorities.
That poor kid's probably traumatized by now, though.
Now I'm getting a feeling of dread that it's going to hit an iceberg and sink mid-journey. That would seem just about par for the course for them at this point.
Probably for the better anyway. Because, again, iceberg and all.
My father was actually part of the team that helped develop credit score algorithms for... I want to say Equifax? In any case, they were never meant to be applied as extensively as they are now.
Really, this feels like External’s fault. As a general rule, don’t anger the friends of the mare who can quintuple your workload at will. At minimum, don’t throw the first punch. She may feel justified, but given the farce that is Equestrian justice, I don’t see it ending well for her.
In any case, onwards to further adventure! May there be fewer electrocutions along the way.
External Audit should have paid a bit more attention to those dossiers. Rainbow Dash's skill is the stuff of legends, or at least it was until she started doing them as an untrained filly. I saw where that was going from a mile away, and so did both Bearers even if Rarity seems to be in denial.
And of course then we see Rarity slowly realizing that the plan was for her to murder her way through the Bitalian nobility so this incident genuinely doesn't mean anything. Well, External Audit may try to get revenge but we've already established she has no chance.
10972121
I think you just need to have credit, and then maintain that credit for a while. So using credit cards and paying off your balance every month qualifies. Of course, a mortgage would be even better (so long as you make your payments).
10972379
Well, I haven't even done that, and I doubt that kid has either.
I have to say, I know the tax mare was meant to be comedic, but honestly she struck a little too close to home to reality for me. Also, I feel like her getting bucked in the muzzle was a little too quick and didn't quite make up for all the evil she had perpetrated. Will we have a follow-up on what happened to her and possibly the long, extensive surgical reconstruction, and months of eating through a straw?
10972384
She will return in some form or another. And, yes, not a very nice lady, eh? But, as the viscount has said, it's just twats all the way down when it comes to the Canterlot gubbermint.
This fic is so mean
I love it
10972121
Bitaly isn't quite another nation, 'cuz the immortal god-horse(s) still theoretically run it. It's more like a dominion, I guess, so it's really just inter-state fraud. Much friendlier.
And the poor kid's credit score is already toast anyway. In a world where every transaction is magically tracked, those kindergarden lollypop loan sharks are brutal.
For all that went wrong in this chapter, I feel the worst for the colt. He didn't deserve any of this.
Thank you for updating!
I still ship it!
10972121
You can, I've met people that had their identity stolen as children and only found out when they tried to get a loan that their score was garbage and they owed a ton of money from lines of credit opened when they were like 3. Takes forever to fix.
As for RD and Rares adventure in sidestepping magical bureaucracy to get stacks of bits, the avalanche of Unfortunate just keeps getting bigger. This will be glorious.
And here we have the theme for the commercial break...
Given how much the various branches of government seem to dislike each other I almost assume Rainbow would get a firm pat on the withers and an offer of alcohol for that.
10972379
10972383
Yeah, I only use my credit card when places (usually internet places) won't accept Interac, and I pay it off before it starts accumulating interest because I'm poor and that's the least expensive way to do things.
I think we will see External again. I bet we will see her trying to get past Luna.
I'm still trying to figure out what all this has to do with Luna getting her Royal Purse. Seriously. There has to be an easier way!
10973374
The wheels of bureaucracy make roadkill of us all, so there really isn't.
Really, Celestia should just simplify things and make it legal for the Bearers to kill one government official of their choice per month. It should greatly streamline interactions.
10973476
Depends on just how absolute a monarch and how big a negligent dick towards her sister Celestia is. Right now she looks about "Not surprising at all Luna had her Nightmare Moon freakout" big.
10974168
And the wheels of totalitarianism crush us all even harder if they're given an inch to grow. My point still stands that this is the least destructive solution to the problem.
10974209 Yeah, Mao only managed about a 1/10th of the total population of China! What a lightweight!
....
Wait'll they get a load of me....
thumbs.gfycat.com/UntidyFrightenedHarborporpoise-size_restricted.gif
(Alondro fell into one of the many pools of toxic waste in NJ recently, and went insa-... went MORE insane)
10974546
(does Celestia ride a bicycle with Iron Wheels, or is it more of a Lincoln Continental?
I doubt what is essentially an extended crackfic really needs this level of melodrama
10974955
You're crazy, a Lincoln? Luna can't afford that. She's rockin an ex-Newark PD P71 on steelies, obv.
There was Rares to the left of her, a colt to the right
A Revinue agent looking for a fight
Brains over brawn, that might work for you
But what's a Ponyvile weather mare to do? (Hit somepony!)
10974991
A Bluesmobile?
I like this Dash. She'd have a blast with COOF.
Rarity, let me borrow your gun for a minute... (Alondro hates the IRS... as it was created by Woodrow Wilson, PREVIOUS mortal enemy to all liberty... before our current Potato.)
This would be funnier if crap eerily similar to this didn't happen in real life.
I would like to buy Dashie several hundred beers right now.
Nah, ya get a 50 gallon plastic drum full of lye and throw the body in there for a week. S'how we did things in da Gambinos!
I expect a boat akin to "Flapjack"...
10972121
How did you get a mortgage or rent the place you live without a credit score?
In the uk not having a credit score is as bad as having a terrible one. Generally a bad idea all round.
10980288
Well, I'm renting an apartment, first of all, and they never asked about a credit score. Neither did the property managers of the previous apartment I rented before this.
Of course, this is the US I live in, so maybe somewhat different procedures here.
A mortgage, should I ever get one (the way the housing market is these days, I sometimes wonder), will probably be a different story and I know it...but that's a bridge I don't expect to cross anytime soon just yet.
I was told once by a customer service operator of a company where, for some reason, the procedure was to look up people's records by credit score (even though the services they provided didn't demand it), that, according to their system, I "didn't exist" because I didn't have a credit score, and thereby couldn't help me.
After a lengthy argument over that, I believe I ended up hanging up on them. Didn't need their services that badly anyway.
Sure, I recognize I'll probably have to do something to obtain one at some point in my life, but I'm probably not going to be happy about it regardless. The whole idea of having to prove you've been indebted and had to pay someone money of any amount in the past in order to accomplish basic things like this is, to me, ludicrous, and only promotes wasteful and bad spending habits, so naturally I'm not too inclined to go around doing much of anything that would only promote the practice.
10980434
Here's a way to get a good credit score for the day you want a mortgage or a loan for a car or a holiday.
Get a credit card and use it to pay for a subscription service then pay it off as soon as you get the credit statement. In a year you have a credit score that shows you pay your debt on time every month and it's a low cost one.
I buy everything on credit and pay it off on the day I get the statement so I get the benefit of having huge mega corporations fight for me if a place I ever shop tries to screw me and I never pay interest. It's all how you handle money just don't treat credit as something to pay off last.
10980497
The subscription service idea actually isn't a bad one, so I might keep that in mind.
For right now, I admit that it has become something of a private social experiment of mine, if you will, to see how long I can go in life without ever having to resort to using credit. Partly out of my own curiosity, and partly to see if I can prove a point that the use of credit is probably overrated anyway.
Thus far, the latter is proving more true than you'd think. But we'll see if it keeps up as the years go by. It's possible I've just been lucky.
Also, as it happens, I own a car. Used, but from a professional dealership, and I bought it entirely out of pocket, no credit used. Granted, it cost me only $2,500 total, so as cars go, not the most expensive purchase, but the car's proven a good purchase for me nonetheless, so...
10980497
that or go to college in the US, get crippling debt and bleed 1/3rd of your income for years yearning for the time you can accumulate wealth. After all that you'll at least have a great credit score
Awww, look, she does care
