"If You're Afraid They Might Discover Your Redneck Past..."
Along the railing of a steamship, two mares, one adorned in a sun hat, load-bearing harness, and wooden crate, the other in naught but saddlebags, looked over the port of Moneighlia as they munched contentedly on breakfast.
Below, the port was, if not quite the cosmopolitan trade hub of Fillydelphia, at least a healthy and bustling set of docks, even if the size of ships docked would point towards more local traffic than truly transoceanic – the Yakalaska was clearly the largest ship present, and was most likely only there in an attempt to evade back parking fees at a more typical port. Nevertheless, a few outliers from the local fare could be seen; an occasional zebra, a single thick gold hoop through the ear marking him as a lifelong sailor, a griffon captain strutting about, likely tutting in disdain for the unwashed masses around him, a unicorn in a white coat, gold shoulder-boards and sleeve bands marking him as an officer in the Equestrian Navy, lowly rank pointing towards a command no higher than a steam-frigate.
Still watching the scene below, Rainbow Dash gestured with her bowl of grits towards Rarity. “Hey, Rares, would you mind, uh…”
Without removing her snout from the bowl she was scarfing down at a genuinely impressive speed, Rarity gave a grunt of acknowledgment around a mouthful of grits. She ducked her head down to the railing, removing her hat and exposing her horn. The sight underneath was not nearly as troubling as it had been previously; her horn was still bandaged but now was at least mercifully clean with an exposed black tip, and around the site the beginnings of purple stubble had grown up from where her mane once stood, albeit with a patch of white around the horn, likely bleached from whatever magic had spewed forth.
As one might imagine, Rarity was taking the advent of what she thought was her first signs of an elderly mare swimmingly.
“GRAY HAIRS!” Rarity wheeled around, averting her eyes from the dingy mirror above the sink so as to spare herself from the abominable sight contained within. “I can’t have gray hairs! My mother barely has gray hairs!”
“Don’t feel too bad, Rares!” Rainbow Dash slapped a forehoof across Rarity’s back. “Old age comes for us all! Some ponies just get there fast–”
Luckily, Rainbow Dash was almost as adept at dodging flames as she was slinging insults.
After allowing Rarity to remove her hat, Rainbow Dash placed her bowl of grits above Rarity’s horn, which, with an initial blast of loose orange fire, spewed forth a forceful but contained font of acetylene-torch blue flame.
“Thanks.” Rainbow Dash stuck the bowl in to the top of the flame, rolling it around carefully to avoid scorching her hoof. “You know, I may have called you a ‘high-maintenance lighter’ earlier, but look at you! You’re also good at reheating food.”
Rarity once again grunted from her bowl.
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Rainbow Dash pulled her breakfast out of the flame, giving it a stir with a fork. “Dang, that’s, what, like bowl five? Didn’t expect you to be so nuts for this stuff. Seems a little low rent, y’know?”
Rarity, having finally polished off the bowl, pulled her head back. “What? No, fuc – burp – oh, excuse me, fucking love grits. Only thing my mother can cook, really, so I ate a lot of them growing up.”
“Oh yeah?” Rainbow Dash chuckled. “You guys didn’t really seem like ‘the grits kind of ponies.’ It’s kinda Applejack food, honestly.”
“I assure you, we are, and she is especially.” Rarity wiped her snout with a hoof, successfully removing most of the detritus. “My mother is as authentic as Applejack pretends to be.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Meaning that when I went with her a few years back to visit relatives in her birthplace I had to bring along a pair of buckets for well-water and night-soil.” Rarity turned to face Rainbow Dash. “There are two very distinct social strata of unicorns, Rainbow. One of them is the urbanite upper-crust descended from scholars, generals, and nobles – one Twilight Sparkle, scion of lines of officers, is a fine example. The other one is utterly destitute unicorns stuck landless and mostly useless in Earth Pony agricultural towns, hoping desperately for a way out.” Rarity pointed a hoof to her breast. “That would be moi, at least in part. Ponyville is, if you can believe it, sufficiently cosmopolitan to allow for some social mobility.”
“That bad, huh?”
“That bad. My father’s ability to turn unsuspecting quarterbacks into a thin smear of viscera is the only reason I’m an Element of Harmony as opposed to an element of a depressing documentary piece by a Canterlot newspaper.”
“Huh.” Rainbow Dash pointed at Rarity's usually spectacular tail. "I guess that explains that."
Indeed, wherein Rarity's trademark spectacularly curled tail generally plumed magnificently into the air from atop her rear, it now drooped rather unceremoniously in an eminently practical, and eminently rural, Applejack-esque loose bind, held together by an attractively color-matched piece of light blue elastic. Some concessions had to be made to style, you know.
Rarity gave her tail an idle swoosh, eyeing it disapprovingly. "In the absence of a better option, I am not above such rustic stylings. There are, after all, only so many ways to bind hair, and taking after the stylings of my less, er, sophisticated kin does have some obvious advantages."
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “And here I had you picked out as snooty all the way. Course, that doesn’t totally explain why you scarfed down, like, six servings of grits though.”
“No, it doesn’t. That has to do with my presently insatiable hunger.” Rarity eyed her bowl. “I haven’t the foggiest idea why, but for the past week or so I’ve been just utterly famished.”
Rainbow Dash pointed a hoof at Rarity, smirking. “I’ve got it!”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Do tell.”
Rainbow Dash chuckled. “It’s obvious. You’re pregnant!”
Rarity snorted a laugh. “Good goddess, Rainbow, I can assure you that isn’t the case. I can’t be sure of much in the world, but I can be sure of that.”
“I was joking anyway.” Rainbow Dash waved a wing in dismissal. “Nah, it’s probably something to do with your horn. I know when I work out really hard, I get really hungry, and I think you’re pretty much having to rebuild your magic from scratch, so it’s kinda like you’re working out all the time.”
Rarity thought for a moment. “You’re probably right, actually.” She shrugged. “Huh. You never cease to impress.”
“I aims to please,” responded Rainbow Dash smugly.
“It’s ‘aim to please,’ so I am forced to amend my statement about failing to cease.”
“Smartass.”
The two mares sat for a time overlooking the railing. The crowd below continued to mill about.
“You know, it doesn’t look like we’re in a whole new part of the world.”
“What do you mean, ‘look like?’” Rarity turned towards Rainbow Dash. “What did you expect?”
“I don’t know! Something more than this.” Rainbow Dash threw out her wings in a shrug. “You know how when you go to the movies and watch a movie and they end up somewhere far away it’s all like a different color?”
“You thought it would be a different color?”
“I mean, not exactly, no, but different, y’know?” Rainbow Dash pointed to the docks. “I mean, outside of the goofy clothes ponies are wearing it doesn’t look that different, honestly.”
"They're not goofy!" Rarity admonished. "They're charmingly rustic!"
"If by 'charming', you mean 'Reneighssance Fair,' then yeah, charming."
"Well, I think they're a fun change of pace." She paused for a moment. “Although, on a slightly more serious note, I must say that there's a seeming drought of pegasi,” Rarity observed. She squinted a little. “In fact, I think it's less drought and more not any, actually.”
“Not a lot walking around, yeah, but then again you won’t find a lot of pegasi walking around in most places they can fly.”
“I don’t see any in the air, either. Is there some kind of airspace law we’re not aware of?”
“I dunno.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I didn’t read that part of Twilight’s guidebook. I got distracted by all the historical stuff.”
“You didn’t – what?” Rarity shook her head in befuddlement. “You didn’t read the part for pegasi? Isn’t that the important part for you, insofar as you are, indeed, a pegasus?”
“I got distracted, okay? Sue me.” Rainbow Dash pulled out the book from her baggage. “And this thing’s not exactly a real page turner, y’know? I got bored.”
“Rainbow Dash, I watched you, out of sheer boredom, count every rivet in the hull of the ship out of a lack of anything better to do on day three. We had eight more days.”
“Well, yeah, but that was important, and it meant I was flying, which is important.” Rainbow Dash shook the weighty tome. “And this definitely meant I wasn’t flying, so not important.”
“You’re incorrigible, you know that?” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Well, regardless, I must, to some extent, agree with your initial point; I am somewhat disappointed with the apparent normalcy of our destination. I don’t particularly see anything out of the ordinary, really.”
“Yeah, right?” Rainbow Dash agreed. “Well, I mean, except for all the stallions in the funny hats.”
“The what?” Rarity raised an eyebrow.
“The funny hats?” Rainbow Dash pointed a wing at the crowd, focusing on a pair of said funny hats. “You don’t see them?”
“No, I – oh, wait, yes I – oh my, I do.” Rarity corrected herself, blushing slightly. “The ones in the dashing and incredibly tight uniforms?”
“…I guess?” Rainbow Dash squinted at the indicated ponies. “I mean, I didn’t see any – oh, wow, those are some – whoa.” Indeed, between the very complementary black trousers striped with red, fetching plumed bicorn hats, and tasteful capes, the stallions did cut a remarkably dashing figure. Rainbow Dash whistled softly. “Holy cow, you weren’t kidding. How did they get those on?”
“My thoughts exactly,” agreed Rarity. “My complements to their group’s tailor for not being afraid to go, er, below and beyond.” Suddenly thoughtful, she furrowed her brow. “Although, now that I think about, exactly what group are they anyway?”
“Well, they’ve all got swords on, so they’re probably some kind of guards, right?”
“They do?” Rarity squinted a little. Sure enough, the stallions did indeed have swords hanging off their belts in black scabbards – the unicorns with long and skinny sabers, their unmagical bretheren with short basket-hilted broadswords. “So they do.” Rarity pulled back from the railing. “Well, they certainly don’t look like any kind of guards I’ve ever seen, much to their credit. Those Neoclassical getups the guards back home wear are just so, eugh, kitsch.”
“No disagreements there.” Rainbow Dash nodded. “I know I’d much rather wear that than those stupid skirts they make the guards wear. How are you supposed to fight in a skirt?”
“No idea. Hopefully we don’t have to find out in our near future.”
A loaded moment passed.
“Sure are a lot of them, though,” observed Rainbow Dash.
“I was wondering about that.” Rarity turned to face her friend. “There has to be, what, at least thirty of them down there, no?”
“At least. It’s like a solid quarter of the docks are those guys.” Rainbow Dash frowned. “That seems like a lot of guards for some random port, right?”
“It does.” Rarity eyed the book. “But perhaps it is typical for the area. Rainbow, do you think you could try and find some sort of, ah, information about all this in that book of yours?”
“I could try I guess, although I don’t remember seeing anything about it before.” Rainbow Dash flipped the book to the final few pages of the index. “What should I look for, anyway? ‘Funny hats?’ ‘Dudes with swords?’”
Rarity peered over Rainbow Dash’s shoulder. “Is there an entry for ‘phenomenal asses?’”
Rainbow Dash snorted a laugh. “I wish.” She flipped a few pages. “Lets try – ah-ha! ‘Law,’ ‘Law Arbitration,’ ‘Law Codes,’ ‘Law Enforcen’ – there we go!” She flipped to the midpoint of the book, moving forward a few pages. “Okay! ‘Law Enforcement in the Bitalian Region; A Historical Overvie–’”
Rarity coughed politely. “Ah, Rainbow, do you think we could maybe, er, skip ahead to the part we’re looking for?”
“But I wanted to read about – ugh, fine, whatever.” Rainbow Dash shot Rarity a dirty look, but flipped forward a few pages. An illustration of a stallion clad in very similar clothing sat on the page. “Oh, wow, that was easy!”
“That most assuredly looks like one of them to me.” Rarity looked at the picture disapprovingly. “Although the depiction is disappointingly drawn from the front. What’s it say?”
“Well, lets see.” Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “Ahem! ‘The most visually distinctive of all the top-level Equestrian policing organizations, as well as a firm reminder of the Crown’s once violently imposed power over the region, the famous Bitalian Corpo dei Carabinieri Reali, or Royal Carabineers Corps, is the preeminent group for law enforcement for the Dominion of Bitaly. Responsible for customs enforcement, rapid response against internal magical and nonmagical threats, and acquisition of inter-dominion fugitives, the Carabinieri–”
“Oh, shit.” Rarity, suddenly quite worried, inhaled sharply. “Read that last part again?”
Rainbow Dash cocked her head slightly, but did as told. “‘–acquisition of inter-dominion fugitives – ah, crap, that’s probably bad.”
“Rainbow Dash you idiot!” Rarity smacked her head with a forehoof, then removed her hoof from her face, pulling it to the side of her head and spinning it in conjunction with rolling eyes in a classic display of playground mockery. “‘Ooh, look at me, I’m Rainbow Dash, I share a similar brain capacity to my farm-poultry cousins and fervently believe we will face no consequences from kicking a Revenue Officer’s fucking molars out.’ What did I tell you would happen?”
“I didn’t expect anyone to know this fast! I thought we’d beat the news over here!”
“We’d beat – Rainbow, you thought a ship would beat a telegram?”
“I wasn’t thinking straight, okay? Half of my brain just got fried, remember?” Rainbow Dash threw out her wings in exasperation. “And might I remind you, little miss perfect, that they could just as easily be looking for you? Y’know, because you murdered someone?”
Rarity reeled back, shushing with a forehoof. “Shush! Gods, are you trying to make sure everyone knows? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t particularly like to face that charge in addition to what you’ve got us wrapped up in.”
“Which is what, exactly?” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “We don’t even know if they’re here for us anyway!” She turned back to face the docks. “Look, they’re not coming this way, right? I mean, if they were coming for us they’d be coming this way, and look!” She pointed with a forehoof at a particular pair of policestallions. “Look, they’re just talking to that lady down there! It’s probably just normal for there to be a bunch–”
One of the Carabinieri, a unicorn, levitated a poster out of a sleeve attached to the opposite side of his belt from his sword and unfurled it. As the two feared but expected, a depiction of the pair of Equestria’s heroes rested on the page. In all fairness, it was actually a fairly complementary drawing of Rainbow Dash, although Rarity’s looked terrible, which was accurate to the present circumstances if not very nice.
“–Oh, uh, shit, never mind, we’re on the poster.” Rainbow Dash retreated from the railing, sucking a breath through her teeth. “That’s not good.”
“Not good? Not good? NOT GOOD?” Rarity screeched. “Rainbow Dash, it’s not just not good, it’s, without exaggeration, the Worst Possible Thing. Our quest has been ended before it even began.”
“Hey, stop whining, okay? It’s not over.” Rainbow Dash looked up into the sky, squinting.
“I beg your pardon?” Rarity clutched her breast with a forehoof. “I will whine as much as I damned well please, thank you very–”
“No, shut up for a second, okay? I’m thinking.” Rainbow Dash looked back at the dock, biting her lip in thought and tapping a forehoof on the decking.
Rarity looked at her expectantly. “Well?”
Rainbow Dash continued looking outwards, eyes darting back and forth from members of the crowd. “No pegasi, no pegasi, no – got it!” She straightened up, turning around. “Okay here’s the plan. You’re not going to like it, but it’s a good plan, and it’s going to work, so I don’t really care, okay?”
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “I’m suspicious of your confidence, but I’m listening.”
“Well, you shouldn’t be, because this plan kicks ass, so here’s what’s going to happen.” Rainbow Dash pointed to the dock. “The main problem we’ve got is that there’s a bunch of cops down there, right? But here’s the thing; none of them are pegasi. That means I’ve got totally free airspace, because they can’t follow.”
“Correct, although I would hasten to add that whilst you can exploit–”
“–Shut up, we’re getting there, okay? I’m not that dumb.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Now, yes, while normally this would involve me absolutely hauling ass out of here, the problem is that I can’t haul ass hauling your fat ass, so that’s out of the question.” She stomped a forehoof in punctuation. “But! What I can do is make an absolutely awesome distraction and draw away, like, ninety percent of the guards, right? Then I can just make a long banked turn past the horizon, scream back out of sight, duck behind the waves, and come back to where you are two docks down.”
“Seems reasonab – hey, wait a minute!” Rarity shook her head. “What do you mean two docks–”
“–Now, this is the part I told you you wouldn’t like.” Rainbow Dash grimaced. “See, even if I get most of them to follow me, most isn’t all, and you’re slow and really easy to see, so that’s not going to work.” She pointed to the opposite railing of the ship. “What I need you to do is, uh, swim for it.”
Rarity’s eyes shot wide. “NO! Absolutely n–”
Rainbow Dash cut off her incoming retort with a firm forehoof to the muzzle. “Nu-uh! Zip it and listen for a second, girl!” She pointed with a wing at the opposite railing. “Look, I remember your heartfelt story about why you’re scared of the ocean and whatever, but we don’t really have a choice, because the alternative is us getting thrown in a jail or something.” She removed her forehoof. “And I’m not just going to throw you over or anything, okay? I’ll take what I can of your bags, try my best to lower you in, get you like a life preserver or something.”
Rarity stared back firmly, but didn’t say anything, clearly deep in thought.
“Look, take your time, but not a bunch of time, because the longer we wait the more time they have to–”
“I’ll do it.”
“–Oh, really?” Rainbow Dash mimed wiping her forehead. “Wow, that was easier than I–”
“But.” Rarity’s tone was firm enough to work iron on. “If you don’t help me in, or don’t get me some sort of air, or you l-leave–” her tone wavered, eyes slowly softening from cold assuredness to a fear-tinged wideness. “–leave me o-out there in the–”
Rainbow Dash pulled in nearly muzzle to muzzle with the quickly slipping unicorn, locking eyes. “Hey! Don’t lock up on me now, Rares! You’ve got a job to do.” She backed up slightly, pointing a wing at Rarity. “And I’d never leave a friend. Never. I don’t care if I’m being chased by a dozen pegasi, you better believe I’m finding you. I promise.” She swung that wing over Rarity’s head, gesturing. “So get all that heavy-ass stuff off and get ready, okay?”
After a moment to steady herself and, presumably, weigh Rainbow Dash’s trustworthiness against her own fear, Rarity nodded. “…Okay.” She swung her head back. “But help me get this off, please?”
“You got it.” Rainbow Dash stuck her muzzle under the bottom of the box, having learned her lesson from last time. One buckle snapped open, then the other, and, with a skillful maneuver by Rarity, the box made a mostly gentle descent to the deck, felted bottom cushioning its fall.
“Thank you.” Rarity, freed of her heaviest burden, ducked her muzzle under her barrel, loosening her saddlebags and harness before shaking herself out of them. “Strap those to yourself, if you would, but please remove the cognac and the knotted-gold necklace, please. I’ll need those.”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow, but did as she was told, removing the requested items from opposite saddlebags and placing them in a neat pile. She looked back to Rarity, who was currently digging through a pocket on the harness. “What for?”
Rarity pulled back up from the harness, a little silver key held in her teeth. “Payment,” she said from around the key, then strode over to the box, placing the key into the keyhole and turning it with a soft “click.”
“Payment for what?” Rainbow Dash, much to her delight, found that the bags sized for Rarity’s considerably broader behind strapped quite cleanly around her existing set.
“Shipping my case back, as it most certainly will not float.” Rarity pushed the top of the case open with a forehoof, fixing Rainbow Dash with an unamused glance. “Please do not touch.”
Rainbow Dash trotted over, peering into the box. There, ensconced in lush velvet, rested a surprisingly battered wheel-lock short rifle, adorned lavishly with delicate silver inlays, once-crisp chequering along the mid-section, and, of all things, a crude scrimshaw of a unicorn shooting a griffon from atop a hill in a particularly rough section of the stock.
“…Whoa.” Rainbow Dash continued to stare, commanding haste of a minute before glazed over with foal-like wonder. She reached out a hoof towards the contents, which Rarity ungraciously slapped away. “Hey!”
“I told you, no touching!” Rarity unceremoniously reached in, looping the sling of the rifle around her foreleg, then, with a deft swirl of the hoof, around her barrel, cinching it tightly to herself with her teeth. “Celestia knows there has already been more than enough damage done to my most prized possession by ill-mannered reprobates, and I will not simply not tolerate any further harm.”
“I wasn’t gonna hurt it, Rarity. I’m not an idiot.” Rainbow Dash rubbed her forehoof. “And besides, it sure looks to me like it has already been beat to crap anyway, so what does it matter?”
“Thanks for reminding me, Rainbow,” Rarity grumbled. “And whilst I must agree that there are some unfortunate blemishes, the damage is almost entirely confined to cosmetics, not functional pieces. Thus, what is present can be legitimately viewed as a fashionable patina, rather than marring.”
“Fashionable patina?” Rainbow Dash peered around Rarity’s head, eyeing the graffiti present on the stock. “Rares, there’s like a school desk drawing of you shooting a griffon on it.”
“Except for that, of course.” Rarity sighed. “Such … adornment was most assuredly not my preference.”
“Then whose was it?”
“Fluttershy, if you can believe it.” Rarity reached into the case, extracting a powderhorn, patchbox, and, after swapping from hoof to mouth, a tin of balls. She placed them onto the deck, then pointed at them. “Put the horn on and the other components into my bags, please. They will not survive immersion.”
“Whatever you say.” Rainbow Dash began placing the selected materials into her bags. “And, wait, did you say Fluttershy did that?”
“I did, yes.” Rarity chuckled. “She has something of an odd sense of humor about it.” Rarity paused. “Well, really, an odd sense of humor about death in general, if you can believe it, although I suppose when exposed to so many animals passing one becomes somewhat desensitized the whole ordeal.” She looked back over herself, glancing at the scratching. “I, not quite so similarly numb, do find it to be a little morbid.”
“I agree.” Rainbow Dash sniffed. “Although I guess it is kinda funny, though, with that stupid look on his face.”
“It’s accurate, really.” Rarity snorted a laugh. “Now, where were we?”
“Getting off this ship?” Rainbow Dash offered, eyeing the gangplank. “And sooner rather than later, I think.”
“Oh, right, of course.” Rarity looked down at her case. “Let me just find a suitable lackey to – a-ha!” Rarity waved at a passing sailor walking along the deck, a wizened old jack donkey. “Ah, yoo-hoo!”
One of the donkey’s ears flicked their way, then his whole head.
“Yes, over here!” Rarity gestured again. “Do come here, please? We have a task to ask of you.”
The donkey came trotting over, eyeing the mares suspiciously but closing the distance to a comfortable conversational range.
“Excellent.” Rarity pointed at the case, then the previously set aside bottle of cognac and gold necklace. “If you wouldn’t mind terribly, I need this case sent back to my home in Ponyville. There should be an address listed inside the lid, but–”
“Necklace won’t cover that, ma’am.” The donkey pointed at the offered goods. “Bottles nice, but necklace won’t get it shipped. Only gets it back. Need a few hundred more bits.”
“Seriously?” Rarity raised an eyebrow. “That necklace is worth nine hundred and fifty bits, easily. That is more than enough to get it back to my own home.”
“Says you.” The donkey snorted ungracefully. “Says me, necklace is worth one fifty. That means I need three hundred more.”
“One fifty?” Rarity shot back, outraged. “Are you serious? You couldn’t buy a gold toothpick for one fifty, much less such a fine piece as that.”
“And?” He snorted again. “One fifty max. ’Course, could be fake.” He eyed Rarity. “You look like the type of lady to have fake gold, actually, so I’m going to need four fifty to get it back.”
“You won’t get one damn farthing out of me, you pugnacious brute!”
“Then you won’t get your box–”
“Bill it to Princess Celestia,” said Rainbow Dash casually, as if she was suggesting a restaurant to eat at. “I’ve got a routing number if you want.”
“Are you fucking looney?” The donkey laughed. “Bill it to Her Majesty Sunbeam Asscheeks?”
“Yeah.” Rainbow Dash offered a piece of paper with the number scratched onto it, pen with her wings. “I mean it.”
“Yeah, and – holy shit, you’re serious?” The donkey reeled back. “Y-you actually want me to bill this directly to the crown?”
“Yeah.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I mean, I’ve got the number, so obviously I’m allowed to do that, right?” She offered the paper. “It’s not hard. Just tell the postal workers to write that on the money order.”
The donkey, after a moment of thought in which he weighed the potential consequences of direct fraud before evidently deciding that it was probably going to go back onto the seemingly suicidal blue pegasus in front of him, took the offered paper.
“Good call.” Rainbow Dash put the pen back into her bags. “Feel free to get yourself a little extra if you’re brave.”
“Yeah, sure, and I’ll just light a picture of Her Majesty on fire while I’m at it.” The donkey shook his head, placing the paper into a pocket in his shirt. “You’re nuts, you know that?”
“I’ve been called worse,” said Rainbow Dash, unamused. She picked up the necklace with a wingtip. “Now leave.”
With a shrug, the donkey stepped off, stopping a few steps away to turn and point at Rainbow Dash, or, more specifically, her wings. “I’d put those away if I were you. Locals might not like it.”
“…Well, that’s a weird thing to say.” Turning back to Rarity, Rainbow Dash offered the necklace with her wing, giving it a quick spin. “You’re right, you know. One fifty for this is, like, criminal.”
“I am well aware Rainbow; it’s actually worth about twice that. I was hoping to give him a pleasant surprise when he went to sell it.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Such are the dangers of being a persistently belligerent jackass, wherein one may miss opportunities when presented.” Rarity took the necklace off Rainbow Dash’s wing, placing it into one of the stacked bags on her friend’s rear. “I’m going to assume that’s not actually the number, right?”
“It is.” Rainbow Dash pointed to the Purse sticking askew out of a bag. “They stitch it at the bottom of the bag, along with this, like, glowing portal thing that has to go to the treasury or something but if you stare at it too long your brain starts to hurt really bad so I only–”
“It is?” Rarity reeled back. “W-what? You just gave that criminal direct access to the Royal Treasury?”
“Yeah, so?” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “C’mon, you really think he’s going to spend a whole bunch of money?”
“Yes!” Rarity smacked a forehoof into her forehead. “Yes, that is clearly what he is going to do!”
“What? Nah. Nobody would be that dumb to spend a bunch of easily traceable government money.” Rainbow Dash waved a wing in dismissal. “And besides, what’s the big deal anyway? I mean, what, they’re going to believe you and I gave him government secrets?”
“Obviously yes! Rainbow, we just attacked a Revenue Officer. We’ve already committed crimes against the Treasury!”
“Oh, right.” Rainbow Dash frowned for a moment, then shrugged. “Ah, who cares? What’s another crime anyway? What, are we going to become more wanted?”
“Again, obviously yes!” Smoke had begun to wisp out from under Rarity’s hat. “Rainbow, they’re going to hang us for this!”
“Well then we’d better get started on you being a duchess and getting us pardoned, right?” Rainbow Dash, after a final check of her baggage for security, removed a pair of sunglasses from under a wing before placing them above a cocksure smile. “Now let’s get you in the water, capisce? Kinda tough for you to swim to another dock without, y’know swimming?”
“…Fine.” Rarity grumbled, not totally sure that Rainbow’s ideas about the powers of local nobility were correct. She shook her head, mentally preparing herself for the plunge that awaited. “Now, how are we going to – hey!” She suddenly found herself wrapped by two blue legs, her own hooves kicking uselessly in the air and towards the slowly receding ground. “I was most certainly not–”
“Holy-shit-please-stop-talking-and-moving-you’re-so-godsdamn-heavy.” Rainbow Dash slowly hovered, squirming unicorn in tow, over the railing of the ship. “O-okay, Rares, I’m going to try and go down slow, so please stop moving–”
Rarity, rather than take Rainbow’s advice to stop moving, looked directly down into the sapphire blue waters of the Bitalian coastline. She first froze, then began to squirm anew, this time even harder, panicking. “Oh, gods, Rainbow, I-I can’t do this, p-please–”
“Rarity, you’ve got to stop squirming–”
“Put me back, please, please–”
Rainbow Dash felt her grip on the unicorn slipping. “Rarity, if you don’t stop moving I’m going to–”
She didn’t finish her sentence before Rarity slipped out of her grasp, plummeting into the waves below.
In horror, Rainbow Dash looked down at the receding splashes.
A gulp. “Ah, shit.”
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I'm a simple bugger. I see old-timey speaking Luna, I vote up and read the story.
Apparently 2 stories though for sense-making, but in exchange I receive Season 2 style Luna.
Very well.
Yeah, that backstory makes quite a bit of sense for Rarity. I'd love to hear her opinions on what she sees as Applejack's faux-rural lifestyle.
In any case, Dash just keeps digging the two of them deeper. Let's hope no one actually dies in the next few chapters; this could end very nastily indeed. Especially given whatever the locals seem to have against pegasi.
One, they're absolutely there to give her a proper welcome worthy of a duchess and they just missed that. One more tally for Rarity's "Luna's going to pay for this" count
Two, their friendship is palpable and I love that. They're also dysfunctional as hell, but they stick together through thick and thin. Gotta respect that
Three, I know Rarity's straight and Rainbow bi if not the same - although those pants must be quite hypnotic no matter what you like - but I still ship it
I just love that Fluttershy at some point got Raritys most prize possession and carved a murder scene on it.
God, I just read both Royal Game Warden and this in one sitting, and I've no regrets. Your style's exactly my jam. The pitch-black humour's great, the worldbuilding's lovely, the prose neat and elegant without gaudiness, and the characters still somehow marvellously in-character despite the added murderousness. I can't wait to see how this grand endeavour keeps going wrong.
...sh...should one be concern about Fluttershy's mental state?
The way you write Rarity and Rainbow continues to be a joy to witness. Loved Rainbow getting distracted by all he history in that guidebook.
The story just keeps getting more and more interesting. I hope you can keep up the good work.
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I mean, the comics extended her "nature is fascinating" outlook to include two monsters tearing into each other for the right to eat her and all of her friends...
Oh, that's a mandatory skill for Rainbow Dash to know...or else there wouldn't have been anymore Rainbow Dash well before Twilight ever got to meet her.
Oh yeah--because she also taught Sweetie Belle everything she knows about cooking...and we all know how that turned out.
I mean, fair point. And I think we can definitely make the similar argument that Rarity wasn't totally thinking things through either when she shot that griffon ambassador in the previous story, so...it takes one to know one?
She may be the least brightest bulb in their posse, and a chronic sufferer from a terminal case of Ginormous Ego...but she is still the Element of Loyalty.
I can, actually.
...it was either her or Luna anyway.
They kinda have to be in order to be the Elements of Harmony, it turns out.
Aw, just point your hooves at Luna and say "she started it." Because she kind of did on all fronts when you really think about it.
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Considering their track record on this already...I'd be shocked if someone didn't get killed before this is all over.
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based
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Thanks! Check out this one too. It's explicitly set in the same setting as those two.
Crippling fear is so annoyingly inconvenient, isn’t it?
And problem solved! Now Dash can zip away and not have to bother with the dead weight!
(Alondro is a very practical monster...)
I suspect it will turn out that the guards were there to *escort* rather than to *arrest*.
I like how Rarity and Rainbowdash take turns being the sane one.
Also they don't have to worry about jail. They'll get a royal pardon as nessacry tools of national defence. But I guess they aren't thinking straight