The "Slice" of Life Chapter. (Ha Ha, Get It?)
“Absolutely not.”
The girls, and one still very confused minister, trotted towards the current mooring of Ponyville’s gaudiest cloud-borne lodging. One of them was not happy about it. Rarity, who had successfully insisted that she be allowed to put on a least an attempt at makeup before leaving her house, scowled from under a wide-brimmed pink sun hat. “There is simply no way I am going anywhere with her.”
“Don’t be dramatic, Rarity,” lectured Fluttershy, well aware of the futility of that statement. “And it’s not like the princess wants to, um, lock you in a room with Discord or anything.”
Rarity scoffed. “That may be, but comparative misery is still misery, Fluttershy.”
“Misery?” Fluttershy rolled her eyes, attempting to bat Rarity playfully with a wing. She forgot that those were still bound to her sides, resulting in just mostly just some squirming. Hopefully nopony saw. “Rarity, you love Dash just as much as the rest of us.” She pondered for a second. “Um, verifiably so, actually. I’m pretty sure that the Elements don’t, uh, work if that’s not true.”
“You have a higher confidence in the decisions of magical flora than I, Fluttershy.” Rarity adjusted her hat, which, as it was intentionally not cut for unicorns, rested further forwards than was generally comfortable. “And love and friendship have nothing to do with it. I love the spa’s magnificent ash-lined sauna. I would still expire if I spent three hours in it.”
Fluttershy eyed her. “You’d die if you spent three hours in a room with Rainbow Dash?”
“Hmph!” Rarity chuckled darkly. “Somepony would.”
“Rarity!” Fluttershy exclaimed, mortified. “That’s terrible!”
“Just a joke dear,” Rarity assured, mostly truthfully. “I’m not sure I could, ah, deal with her in this state, regardless.”
Fluttershy looked back scornfully. “That’s not very funny, Rarity. It’s not–”
“Pray tell, is that it?”
The two mares came out of their morbid conversation. Princess Luna was pointing disdainfully at the floating house.
“Yes, unfortunately.” Rarity sighed. “It’s very, er–”
“…Individual?” offered Fluttershy charitably.
“Nouveau riche?” countered the minster, a little less so.
“Wrong,” declared Luna, with a snort of derision. “The architecture is incorrect.”
The other three present looked at her oddly, seemingly unaware that architecture could be incorrect.
“Examine the columns,” Luna clarified. “The architect has combined unfluted columns with acanthus-adorned capitals, unusual at best and juvenile at worst.” She held out her wings, using them to frame various parts of the edifice. “And the proportions are abhorrent. The capitals should be but one-sixth of the total height, and yet these verge towards a fourth.” Luna shook her head. “Ugh!. It verges even from pastiche towards caricature. Distasteful!”
“Huh.” Rarity shrugged. “That all sounds correct to me.” She turned her head to face the princess. “I never would have taken you for such a passionate critic of architecture, princess. Personally, I mostly tend to focus on the rainbow-spewing fountains.”
Luna chuckled. “Hah! Nay, not always, but faults are more apparent when one was present for the initial artistic order, Countess.”
“I suppose so.” Rarity looked back to the house. “And the fountains?”
“Fairly typical, unfortunately. The warrior castes of the pegasi have always had a taste for the gaudy.”
“Warrior caste?” Fluttershy looked at Luna incredulously. “Princess, I can’t say that I’m, uh, exactly the most ‘pegasus’ pegasus out there, but I don’t think there’s a whole caste of pegasi soldiers.”
“You would be surprised, fair Fluttershy. We would bet our meager wealth that mistress Rainbow Dash comes from an extensive line of martial breeding.” She shook her head, spreading her wings. “We digress; ‘tis a conversation for another time, and we have not any time to waste.” With a single great flap, she took flight.
“Knock-knock-knock.”
Somepony was knocking at Rainbow Dash’s door in an exceptionally regular manner, which was a bad sign.
There weren’t that many pegasi – winged ponies, she corrected herself, although Twilight would likely have made herself known by careening into her front door and skidding down – in Ponyville, and Dash had fairly extensively memorized the knocking patterns of each one. Fluttershy would give one or two polite, measured knocks, themselves solely a cursory manner as she would never dream of showing up unannounced. Any of her coworkers would try their damnedest to kick through the door, which, unbeknownst to them, she had reinforced with a sheet of eight gauge steel; heavy as shit to move up, of course, but the sublime pleasure of watching that bitch Cloudkicker break a perfectly pedicured hoof on the door made it more than worth it. She suspected her supervisor would resort to throwing stones through her windows soon.
Regardless, it was well outside of normal work hours, which generally meant that it wasn’t a pissed off coworker at the door. Nor, for that matter, had she been expecting a visit from her oldest friend, the uncharacteristic volume of the knocks notwithstanding.
That left one reason. Official reasons.
Still, no reason to panic. There were all kinds of official reasons, and only, like, a quarter of them required a speedy exit from a back window; honestly, it was probably just a necessary signature for a package. Probably. She didn’t think the mayor had put in those speed limits yet.
Well, even if she did, she could blow it out her ass if she thought Rainbow Dash was going to follow those. Why should she have to fly at the same speed as all the other slow-ass pegasi? Rainbow Dash was a pony who had places to be, and, more importantly, places to not be.
Like work.
She looked out the window. Shit, it was getting dark, wasn’t it? The nice mailmare (who was the only pony with an excuse for slow-ass flying) didn’t come around after five, and it was easily edging towards seven at this point. It might actually be the constable at this rate.
Only one way to find out. Dash threw two deadbolts back into the door, raising her wings in preparation to bolt and, more importantly, preparing her mouth for a classic Dash-tastic one-liner, which, in all honesty, was just as important in this kind of situation. With a forehoof, she flung open the door, feathers splayed and face contorted into her very finest smart-ass smirk. “You’re gonna have to catch me if you want me paying those –uuhhhhhh–”
She stared, wide-eyed, directly forwards at the pony on her doorstep. Dash was a short mare, very short if she was truthful, but even she was generally about head-level on everypony else in town, if usually eyes to muzzle.
On this pony, her head was about level with a chin. A very blue chin. It dipped, revealing two piercing blue eyes, a horn, a tiara, and an expression of disgust so deep that one would think Rainbow Dash’s house was coated in a thin film of soured milk and cat piss.
At least it wasn’t the constable, Dash supposed.
The princess spoke first. “Prithee, Rainbow Dash, what architect didst thou contract with to design your residence?”
In the seconds after revealing the royal presence on the doorstep, Dash had made up a few guesses as to why the junior diarch was currently perched on her porch. Maybe she was staging a coup d’etat, in which case not cool but nevertheless right on for making such a kick-ass choice for a lieutenant, even if navy did clash a little with her coat.
But she hadn’t been expecting to talk about architects.
“…what?”
“Ponies are not named ‘what,’ Rainbow Dash.” Luna furrowed her brow. “At least, we think not. Names have become increasingly strange in the millennia.”
“No, uh, she’s not, uh–” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “No, she’s just some pony from Cloudsdale, I don’t, uh, remember her name.”
“We see.” Luna inspected the columns a little closer, frowning. On second look, those capitals verged towards a third. Absolutely grotesque. “Do let us know if you remember, as we would quite like to pay her a visit with a branding iron." She chuckled darkly. "Inscribed with the word dunce, preferably.”
“Uh.” Better to not inquire more deeply into that one. “Sure?”
“We thank thee, Rainbow Dash.” Luna sniffed once, eyes returning to normal. “Now, do follow us to the ground, yes? We have business to discuss.”
“We can’t talk up here?” Dash didn’t want to leave her house to go to the ground. The ground didn’t have baller fountains, and her house did, which immediately made it better.
Luna sighed. Typical pegasus. “Not all of us can fly, mistress Dash,” she stated simply.
Rainbow Dash cocked her head in confusion. “Wait, what?” She eyed the princess. “Like, what part of you can’t fly? Did you leave a back hoof on the ground or something?”
“No, not, er–” Luna chuckled, pointing to herself with a forehoof. “Us.” She gestured with a wing towards the ground. “Us. We are not alone.”
“Oh, okay. The actual ‘we,’ not, like, the Luna ‘we’” Rainbow Dash peered around Luna, seeing a small group of ponies on the ground. “It gets confusing.”
“We suppose.” Luna flared out her wings. “Shall we, er, we?”
“Mmm, I guess.” Rainbow Dash grimaced. “The ground is so boooring, though.”
Luna chuckled lightly. “Thou truly art a pegasus through and through.” She stretched a wing, a playful gleam in her eye. “Would you prefer to race down?”
Rainbow Dash paused, looking at the princess incredulously. “Really?” She scratched her head with a wing. “You want to race the Dash?”
“We do.” Luna smirked wickedly. “Unless thou art gripped with fear at the prospect of your certain defeat, of course.”
“Oh, you’re on.” Rainbow Dash pointed with a hoof at the town library. “But the ground’s too close for a good race. Around the tree and back?”
“Thy terms are acceptable.” Luna turned around, dropping into a crouch. “Commence on three?”
“How did you get, uh, wrapped up in this anyway, minister?” asked Fluttershy.
He rolled his eyes. “Would you believe she accosted me with a dinner fork?”
“Considering everything else?” Rarity fiddled with her hat. “Quite easily, actually. What, they don’t allow her into the armory?”
“Ostensibly, yes, they do.” He looked back up to the garish cloud-house. “She couldn’t find it.”
Rarity snorted with derision. “What, would the secretaries not help her out?”
“Hah!” The minister guffawed. “Help! Rarity, have you ever met any of the castle’s staffers?”
Rarity thought for a moment. “I suppose not, really. If we’re in the castle, we’re generally speaking to the princess directly.” She paused. “Or punching out changelings.”
“I think I’d prefer the changelings, really.” His gaze darkened. “Ironically less duplicitous.”
“That bad?”
“Hmph!” the minister grunted. “An understatement. The ponies in the employ of the crown are the largest collection of bona fide twats one will find outside of a Las Pegasus brothel.”
Fluttershy blushed outrageously. Rarity snorted a laugh. “How profane!”
He shrugged. “It is unbecoming of an accountant to lie.”
“Oh!” After a moment, Rarity managed to compose herself, fanning with a hoof. "I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s not entirely dissimilar to the rest of Canterlot, really.”
“Unfortunately. The capital has its charms, but I do miss Oxhoof dearly every time I am forced to–” he shivered. “–mingle with the Canterlot aristocracy.”
“My sympathies,” said Rarity, at once reminded of a particular blue-blooded unicorn.
“Appreciated. Let us hope the Bitalian upper-crust isn’t quite so abrasive, hmm?”
“One can hope.” Rarity turned back to the clouds. “Ugh! I know she is fond of purple prose, but how long does it take for Luna to tell Rainbow to fly down here?”
“My sentiment as well.” The minister sighed, pulling out a pocket watch. “Not to besmirch your, er, lovely town, but I was supposed to be home a two and a quarter hours ago.” He looked up to the clouds. “Isn’t your friend supposed be the fast one?”
“Well, yes, when she wants to be. She can be rather, um, obstinate,” Fluttershy pointed out.
“Don’t remind me,” Rarity muttered. “Hence my trepidation at the prospect of–”
“BANG-BANG!”
By the sounds of it, somepony had just set off a pair of bombs in Rainbow Dash’s house. The three ponies looked up just in time to get hit with an enormous rush of wind, catching a glimpse of two parallel blue trails screaming towards the center of town.
“Goddesses!” Rarity clutched her hat to her head, the prospect of it flying off and leaving her totally exposed to the eyes of the hoi polloi almost too horrible to bear. “Was that–”
“The princess?” Fluttershy nodded. “Probably. I don’t think there’s any other blue pegasi in town.”
“Hmph!” Rarity looked disdainfully at the two fliers, who had nearly rounded the library. “Unprofessional!”
Fluttershy shrugged. “Let her have her fun, Rarity. I don’t think she gets to, uh, fly much.”
“Still!” Rarity scowled. “Is there not a rule about speeding through town like that?”
“No.” Fluttershy shook her head. “At least, not yet. There probably will be after, um, this.” She looked back to the race. “You’ll want to hold on to your hat again, Rarity.”
Rarity did as she was told and placed both forehooves onto her hat, resting back onto her haunches. As predicted, a moment later Dash and Luna arrived, crashing to a halt a few paces in front of the group with an explosion of air. Fluttershy and the Viscount covered their eyes with forehooves and weathered the assault. Rarity, already unsteady, blew backwards, landing on her back in a most undignified manner. She kept her hat on, though, which was the important thing.
“Dang, princess!” A sunglasses-adorned Rainbow Dash shook her wings, rattling a few ruffled feathers back into place. “You’re, like, pretty fast!” She ran a hoof backwards through her mane, floofing it back up to the usual unkempt style. “Not Dash fast, but not bad!”
“Not – huff – fast enough.” Luna sucked wind, panting as she collapsed to the ground. “Moon and Stars! Our time coddled in the palace has rendered us shamefully unfit for physical activity.” She eyed the boisterous pegasus, who was seemingly completely unfatigued. “Truly, thou must be the product of generations of fliers as strong as thee!”
Fluttershy, who had recovered from the initial blast, rolled her eyes. “Princess, we don’t have castes of–”
“Uh, hell friggin’ yeah I am!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, flexing a foreleg. “The Rainbows go waaaaay back! Crack open a history textbook? Bam!” She pointed with a wing at a pantomimed book, emphasizing the point. “You’re gonna find a ‘Rainbow’ or a ‘Prisma’ or a ‘Chroma’ kicking ass and taking names, baby.”
Luna raised an eyebrow at Fluttershy, infuriatingly smug. Fluttershy frowned.
Rarity sat up with a groan, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. “Really, princess? Was screaming across town really necessary?”
Luna blushed slightly, grinning semi-contritely like a foal caught with a hoof in the cookie jar. “Er, we suppose not, but, we, ah, do not get to fly very often. ‘Tis a rare pleasure.”
Rarity flicked an ear in annoyance. “Perhaps justifiably so, considering the racket you made.”
Rainbow Dash turned to face the irritated unicorn. “Yeah, yeah, Rares, whatever. Stop being such a crybaby. It’s not her fault that nopony can resist flying with the Dash, you–” she lifted her sunglasses, eyes wide. “Sweet Tartarus Rarity, you look like white-hot dogshit!” She pointed a hoof, snorting in laughter. “I mean, seriously, did you put on your makeup wearing a blindfold or something?”
Rarity growled, a forehead vein bulging dangerously. The worst part was that it was true; a lifetime of magic assistance had left her present skills with a makeup brush more than a little wanting.
“Rainbow,” warned Fluttershy, already sliding over to her incensed friend. She had seen what happened in moments of rage, and, although she was fairly sure that Rarity’s current indisposition precluded an incendiary situation, she wasn’t exactly going to hedge her bets in the face of Rainbow Dash’s potentially very painful death via immolation.
Dash carried on, oblivious to Fluttershy’s protests. “And what’s up with the hat? Isn’t it like super uncomfortable to have your horn covered up?” She eyed the bandage affixed to Rarity’s rapidly reddening face. “I mean, what, you get ringworm or something?”
“No, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity squeezed out through clenched teeth. “I most certainty did not get ringworm on my face.”
“Then what’s the deal? Bad mane-cut?” Rainbow Dash reached out with a hoof, Fluttershy’s eyes widening in alarm. “C’mon, lemme see it, it can’t be that bad–”
She picked up the hat, learning, much as the viscount had, that it was indeed that bad.
Rainbow Dash blanched, pupils shrinking and mouth drawing back. “Oh, uh, wow, that’s–” She blinked a few times, swallowing down a heave. “Okay, no, that’s definitely not ringworm, uh, ah, jeez.”
Rarity snatched back her hat, replacing it onto her head with an embarrassed haste. “Satisfied?” she spat.
Dash shook her head vigorously. “Uh, no, like, not at all.” She gave a second look at the two mares in front of her, noticing, this time, the wing bindings and prolific bruising that probably should have warned her something more serious than a rash was at fault. Oops. “What even, like, happened to you two?”
Rarity drew in perilously close with Dash, snarling in a most unladylike manner. “Keep going and maybe I’ll show you.”
Rainbow Dash pulled back. Gods, did Rarity stink? “What’s that supposed to mean?” She paused. “No, yeah, actually, what’s that supposed to mean, I’m still in the dark here.”
“It means–”
“Ahem.”
The two dueling mares pulled back, turning to the minster, who was tapping a pocket watch.
“Oh, uh, right.” Dash flattened her ears. “My bad.”
Rarity said nothing, still scowling.
“Now,” the minster grumbled. “Mistress Dash, are you aware of why the Princess has visited you?”
“No, she never told me.” Dash thought for a second. “Well, I mean, she might have during the race, but I couldn’t really hear her over the wind.”
“Uh-huh.” The minster sighed. “To make an astonishingly long story short, your friend Rarity here is traveling to Bitaly and needs a traveling companion, which your other friends seems to believe you would be willing to be.”
“Yeah, probably.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I mean, Bitaly seems okay.” She smiled. “And I do love skipping work.”
Apparently satisfied, he removed a notebook from a vest pocket. “Right.” He cleared his throat. "Well, to further that end, I looked through Princess Luna’s current legal powers to find an applicable position by which a traveling companion of Countess Rarity could receive a government stipend.”
Dash’s eyes went wide, her head swiveling towards Rarity, whose look of displeasure was now cut with no small amount of smugness. Countess?
He continued, flipping a page. “Now, we all know the Princess has, er, limited powers, but fortunately the government has accrued no small number of positions in the centuries of its operation which are able to be bestowed by royal decree.” He put down the book, pushing up his spectacles. “Critically, the laws specify exactly that; ‘royal decree.’ As the number of royals remained steady at exactly one for nine hundred and eighty years or so, they don’t specify which royal, meaning, for once, this one’s–” he pointed at a sheepish Luna “– word has exactly the same legitimacy as her sister’s”
Rainbow Dash scratched her head in confusion. This lecture was verging dangerously towards Twilight territory. “Uh, and?”
“And,” the minister continued with an exaggerated drawl akin to how one might address a very small child, “that means Princess Luna can bestow one of these positions on you and, more importantly, I can grant a Royal Purse, all without the interference of anyone else in the government.”
“And what positions would those be?” Rarity asked. Personally, she was hoping for “Groom of the Stool,” or perhaps “Court Jester.”
The minster put his book back up, flipping a few pages. “There are a few, but the easiest one is the long-since obsolete position of Conda–” he pulled his spectacles down, bringing the book closer in “–condortay...? That can't be right.” He frowned, moving the book over to the princess. “Er, Luna, do you know this one? My early Bitalian is a little rusty.”
Luna took one look, then shook her head. “We fear not, minister. ‘Tis a fair few years after our time.”
“Early Bitalian?” Rainbow Dash snatched the book over the minister’s faint protestations. She peered in. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She threw the notebook back. The minister did not catch it. Nerd. “It’s condottieri. I guess it would be condottiera if it was me though.”
The rest of the group stared back blankly, not so much shocked that somepony would know the words as by whom it was known.
“What?” Rainbow Dash gestured with wide forelegs. “I told you, history textbooks?” She rolled her eyes. “I mean, come on, there were like four whole generations of ‘Rainbow’ condottieri. You think I’m not going to read about Arcobaleno the Ruthless kicking griffon flank at the foot of Maneterhorn? Pssshh.”
“Yes,” countered Rarity. “I would, considering that I’ve never seen you read anything other than adventure novels for foals.”
“Okay, first off, they’re for everyone,” said Rainbow, clutching a forehoof to her breast in mock hurt. “And second off, like, duh, those books are like, old and heavy. I can’t just take them everywhere.”
“Um, Rainbow?” Fluttershy cut in. “What, uh, is a, um, condor-terry?”
“Con-dot-tee-airy,” corrected Rainbow with a grin, obviously gleeful at the prospect of correcting somepony else’s vocabulary for once. “And it’s like a mercenary, but only for like Bitaly.” She shadowboxed in the air, adding in a few sound effects before finishing with an imaginary sword thrust. “And they were like, totally awesome and super hardcore. The did all kinds of kick-ass stuff like fight battles, and sack cities, and pillage villages, and extort local peasants, and, uh…” she rubbed her head with a hoof. “Okay, maybe not always awesome. But still! Definitely sweet.”
“Uh-huh.” Rarity turned to the minister. “And I suppose the crown can hire such, er, totally sweet mercenaries at will?”
“Mostly, yes.” He coughed. “Although there is one, ah, qualification.”
“For the hired?’
“For the hiring,” the minister clarified. “The law states the crown may raise regiments of mercenaries to protect ennobled agents of the crown in, ah,” he raised the book, looking for the correct term, “‘Actual duress.’” He pointed with a hoof. “Now, answer this very carefully. Considering your current state, are you presently in ‘actual duress?’”
“Well, no, not really, I’ve in many ways come to terms with–” Her eyes went wide. That was probably not the right answer.
The minister smacked his hoof into his forehead.
“Oh, er, I meant to say that I am in abject danger!” Rarity grinned sheepishly. “Absolutely terrified!”
Luna turned to the minister, frowning. “We have no qualms with bending the truth, minister, but we must say that may be too much even for us.”
“Right,” He sighed. “Unfortunately, that is something of a problem, because, as stated previously, she must be under duress for the crown to issue a decree.” He coughed once. “Would, er, anypony like to volunteer to place the countess under duress?”
Rainbow Dash’s hoof shot up.
“Anypony other than the pony ostensibly responsible for protecting the countess?’
Nopony else offered. After an extended pause, Fluttershy raised a hoof.
“Right.” The minister rubbed the back of his head with a hoof. “I guess just, er, trouble her in some way? I’m not sure there’s a threshold here or anything.”
“Okay.” Fluttershy turned to Rarity. “Would you mind sitting back on your haunches for me? It will make things easier.”
“If you insist.” Rarity rested back. “Do mind the hat if you go for one of those choke-holds, hmm?”
“Um.” Fluttershy positioned herself in front of Rarity. “Okay. Uh, sorry about this.”
Rarity cocked her head. “About what?”
Fluttershy answered her question by driving a forehoof directly into Rarity’s liver in a brutal left hook. Rarity crumpled instantly, writhing on the ground and sucking wind.
“I’m tellin’ you, sugarcube.” Applejack shook her head. ‘There ain’t no way the gub’ment needs bits so bad they’ve gotta raise the tax on fresh fruits. They’ve just gotta be bought off by the vegetable lobby.”
“Applejack, don’t be silly!” Pinkie Pie pronked happily alongside her friend. “You know the root veggie guys and the leafy veggie guys don’t get along. How are they going to get anything accomplished?”
“I dunno, Pinkie. But that’s all that makes sense to me.”
The two mares turned the corner of the street, freezing at the sight of, if one believed the magazines, everyone’s fourth favorite alicorn.
“Whoa, hey, it’s Princess Luna!” Pinkie pointed with a hoof, then paused in confusion. “Wait, why would Princess Luna show up to Ponyville and not tell anypony? Oh!” She pushed her head right alongside Applejack’s “Do you think she’s on a seeeeecret mission?”
“Well, she did tell somepony.” Applejack pointed. “’Cause Dasn n’ Rares n’ Fluttershy are all around her.”
“Oh.” Pinkie ceased bouncing. “Well that’s super weird. Why didn’t they need us? Or Twilight?”
“No disagreements here, Pinkie. You wanna walk up and see what they’re fixin’ to get up to?”
“Uh, duh!” Pinkie took a first step. “C’mon, let’s–”
The two mares watched wide-eyed as Fluttershy laid out Rarity with a vicious punch to the gut, both noting, with increasing concern, that Luna seemed nod in agreement at the outcome.
“Uh, Pinkie?” Applejack scratched the back of head with a hoof. “Did Fluttershy just–”
“Send Rarity to the mat like Spike Bison?” Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, I think she did.”
“Dang.” Applejack sniffed once. “How ‘bout that?”
The two mares sat in silence for a protracted moment.
“Pinkie, I think we might oughta stay outta this one.”
“Yeah, Applejack. I think we should.”
Fluttershy turned to the princess. “Will that be, uh, okay? I would really prefer not to hit her again, if that’s okay with you.”
Luna watched Rarity writhe in pain. “Yes, we think that should be sufficient. We would earnestly agree Countess Rarity is in ‘actual duress.’”
“Okay.” Fluttershy rubbed a comforting hoof over Rarity’s withers. “Uh, sorry again, Rarity.”
“Uuuuuuuhhhhhggghh.” Rarity rolled over once, continuing to groan.
“Well!” The minister pulled out a piece of parchment, still eyeing the supine mare. “In that case, my business is done here.” He offered the document to Rainbow Dash. “Miss Dash? Your contract.”
Rainbow Dash snatched it from the hooves of the minister. “Alright, sweet! How much do I get?”
“After conversion?” The minister did a bit of mental math. “About ninety bits a day, at least initially.”
Dash looked back in shock. “What the hell? Ninety bits? Lame.” She scoffed. “I can make more than that not working at work.”
“Perhaps,” said the minister, looking back into his notebook. “But the government is also paying for your travel.”
“So?” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Why would I be excited about some dumb train ride?”
“You wouldn’t.” He looked at the hovering pegasus, smiling knowingly. It wasn’t his first time talking a pegasus into an overseas journey. “But how do you feel about boats?”
Dash paused, eyebrows raised in intrigue. “Like, ocean boats?”
“Yes. Quite a large liner, we would guess.” He put the notebook back into his vest. “Just imagine; all that open water, nothing to hit, and the cleanest airspace in the world. Why, you could spend all day doing laps around the ship, and nopony would care in the slightest.”
Dash was nearly drooling. They were so predictable.
The girls watched the train pull away. The minister, visible through the windows, had already positioned himself in front of the dining car’s bar.
“Isn’t it kind of a, um, long flight back to Canterlot?” asked Fluttershy.
“It is.” Luna sighed contentedly. “But it is not as if we have pressing business at the palace. So long as we are there to lower the moon in the morning it should not be an issue.” She looked at the station clock, her horn lighting gently. “Oh! Speaking of the moon, we suppose it is getting to be that time of the evening.”
“Oh, my? Here? You’re doing it now?” Rarity brightened up. “How exciting! I’ve always wanted to see one of the princesses move a celestial body! Why, there must–”
Luna’s horn extinguished with a relaxed sigh. “Ah. ‘Tis always refreshing to do our anointed task.”
“…What?” Rarity looked around. “But, where, uh, where was the enormous flow of magical energies? The spectacle? The horn-tingling power of it all?”
“The what?” Luna looked at her in confusion. After a moment of realization, she chuckled knowingly. “Oh, nay, ‘tis nothing of the sort. Once one has performed a task so many times it becomes trivial. Not much in the way of spectacle, we confess.” Luna thought for a moment. “We suppose we could try and make more of a show of it, though. Would you like us to lower it and try again?”
“Er, no.” Rarity sighed. “It’s probably best the celestial bodies do not go around for mulligans.”
“If you insist.” Luna shrugged.
The four mares sat for a moment, which dragged on into an uncomfortable silence.
Finally, Dash interjected into the pause. “Dang, I’m hungry, You guys up for some pizza?”
Rarity and Fluttershy shrugged in accepting nonchalance.
“Pray-tell, what’s pizza?”
The three Bearers turned, slack-jawed, to look at the princess, who looked back in confusion.
Luna cocked her head. “What?”
Luna continued weeping as she polished off her sixth slice of pizza, now a full three-quarters of the way through an extra large supreme pie.
“Jeez, do you think she’s, like, okay?” Rainbow Dash squirmed in her chair, one of the omnipresent too small cheap metal ones that every pizza joint in Equestria seemed to have. Luna was comically oversized for hers.
Fluttershy shrugged, taking a dainty bite of a second pie the girls had wisely ordered. “It’s probably just an, um, emotional experience. I don’t the palace feeds her very well.”
“Oh, mother above,” Luna sniffled away a few tears. “We had not known such miracles could exist.”
“Like, pizza?” Rainbow Dash scratched her head. “Princess, it’s, like, just cheese and sauce and bread.”
“Cheese!” Luna’s wings drooped over the sized of her chair, her body crumpling in absolute satisfaction. “Stars, we have missed cheese!”
Ah, Princess, they do feed you at the palace, yes?” Rarity, having been rendered unable to use her usual ‘knife and fork’ approach by her injury, hefted a slice with a hoof. How barbaric. “While I share a healthy appreciation for the dish, it is not exactly, ah, tear-jerkingly good.”
Luna nodded, levitating another slice into the air with her field. “They do, but our sister is, ah,” she paused for a few seconds, thinking of the correct word, “insistent? Particular to a fault?”
The others waited for more explanation.
Luna continued. “Our sister is, er, deeply unsatisfied with many things, and as such has become intensely nostalgic for our youth. As such, she demands the palace chefs cook a simple vegetable stew in the same fashion as mother did.” Luna sighed. “Every day.”
“Oh.” Fluttershy winced in sympathy. “Do they at least, um, do it right?”
“More or less.” Luna shrugged. “But anything grows tiring by repetition, and the ingredient list is rather limited.”
“Can’t you just, like, ask them to make something else?” Rainbow Dash snagged the last piece of the pie. “Surely they’d listen to you, right?”
“And upset our sister? Hardly.” Luna slumped. “Nay, it has been naught but stew for years now.”
“Oh.” Rainbow Dash paused for a moment. “Yeah, that sucks." She shrugged. "But at least you have pizza now, right?”
“That we do.” Luna took another bite, melting into her chair. “Oh, gods, that we do.”
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Every time you publish a chapter I feel even more for Luna. Poor mare, her acclimatization sucks hard
Awesome to know Rainbow's likely an awesome warrior in the guise of a lazy weather worker. One hopes she is at least, I severely doubt this one will go without any murders of the Lawful or Unlawful kind.
I'm still holding out for that shipping though. Maybe LunaDash?
Those two are either going to be the best of friends, lovers or kill each other, I'm certain.
You joke, but both of those positions are way more important than they appear on paper. The jester's penchant for mockery means that they're the one person the king can rely on to tell him when he's making a mistake, while the Groom of the Stool gets the king alone with some regularity so the position has to be extensively vetted... except we're talking about horses right now, and their biology renders such a position irrelevant. (Google "horse butt ketchup bottle" if you don't believe me)
It was at this point that I knew, we were going even further off the rails.
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Oh, you'll be getting plenty of shipping, don't worry. Like, two straight chapters of nothing but pure ship action.
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You're a huge, humongous troll, but I did set me up for that, didn't I?
Love Dash’s solution to coworkers entering her house.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Luna moved to Ponyville full-time after this. Pizza, exercise opportunities, socialization with non-terrible people... The only thing that seems to be stopping her is a lack of funds, and that’s the whole purpose of this ridiculous quest.
Well, lack of funds and not wanting to upset Celestia. Though hopefully her own sister wanting to move out if the castle will be a warning sign for Sunbutt. Canterlot is festering worse than Rarity’s horn.
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It's a sign that I read way too much ponyfiction when my first thought was "wonder how many did Freeport tours"?
You know, I suspect that before this is all over, said minister is going to find out about the events from the previous story, but by that time, he'll have already seen enough of this group's antics that he'll just groan, roll his eyes, remark how he should've expected that, and ultimately just accept it as his lot in life now and simply roll with it.
See, this is why you're best princess, Luna.
Well...I've got a quarter--that should be more than enough to cover that bet.
You know, considering how long Flutters has known Rainbow and how...boisterous...Rainbow tends to be, you'd think she'd have caught word of this at least once before now.
Also, I suppose I owe Luna that quarter now.
That does seem like a perfectly normal sort of conversation those two would have.
Guess who's ordering out for pizza every night as soon as she can secure her fair share of the royal funds?
You know, Luna needs more love. And Pizza.
Thank you. As much as I love Rarity, this was the funniest damn thing I've read all week.
Pizza is nature's perfect food.
Unless some HERETICAL HEATHEN puts PINEAPPLE on it! WHICH DEMANDS DRAWING AND QUARTERING BY BITALIAN LAW!!!
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A heathen is someone of a more minor religion than you. A heretic is someone of notionally the same religion as you who disagrees with the authorities of it. Mind you, combining religious words into total nonsense in order to screw with the religious is fun. That's how we got "the devil" after all!
10859493 All are heretics and heathens, since I alone am perfect and have become the Kiwisalt HardonIraq after sucking down some blue bile from a Mongolian Death Worm.
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Can you elaborate on that tidbit about the devil?
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There are a lot of different guys who got glommed together into what you think of as the devil: Lucifer, whose entire section/rebellion was an intensely metaphorical description of a sunrise. Samael, the guy actually referred to as "Satan" which in context is not only a job title rather than a name but is closer to being a devil's advocate than actual devil. Various pagan gods, because YHVH is more of a jerk than His supporters will ever admit (He let Samael up there torment some random worshipper named Job to make a point about faith). The entire concept of cheating on your spouse, with the possible exception of the "Virgin" Mary (Jesus had siblings, by the way). And none of those include dealmaking, or at least Job never found out because he stayed faithful.
Man, Celestia in this variant of Equestria gets to be more and more a jerk. (Bet she secretly fills up on cake and doesn't share with Luna.)
"Examine the columns,” Luna clarified. “The architect has combined unfluted columns with acanthus-adorned capitals, unusual at best and juvenile at worst.” She held out her wings, using them to frame various parts of the edifice. “And the proportions are abhorrent. The capitals should be but one-sixth of the total height, and yet these verge towards a fourth.”
Classical Greek Dude: "Clearly the work of a barbarian."
Give that poor mare more pizza (and freedom) 🍕
Ooh, this one is shaping up nicely. AJ and Pinkie have not idea how lucky they are to get out of that.
btw
size
Dang, I'm actually feeling for Luna in this story.
I respect Applejack and Pinkie's mutual decision to stay out of it.
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