I am NOT Responsible for any Lead Poisoning Resulting from an Attempt at Experimental Confirmation.
Astonishingly, things had actually gotten off to a promising start.
Upon waking in the morning (and untangling themselves from each other), Rarity had followed through with her plan and asked the young steward of the castle who, if any in his assessment, was worth meeting out of the potential electorate. After a lengthy period of thought, he remarked the only noblepony he hadn’t heard anything terrible about, aside from something or somepony called a “bishop,” was a minor countess with a manor along the entryway to Marelan that the two would be taking – he hastened to add, however, that “not hearing anything terrible” should not be understood as “hearing good things.” Despite his lack of confidence, however, that was encouraging enough news to convince Rainbow Dash and Rarity that it was at least worth an attempt to meet with said Contessa di Cremaneia, even if Rainbow Dash in particular was skeptical about how things were going to go.
“Rainbow, I am not letting you wear a sword and armor to a social occasion!”
“Oh, come on!”
Nevertheless, after sending the lad out to fulfill the other tasks they needed doing, the two had set off, bright and early, towards the city. Rarity had been quite unhappy to learn that their destination was just barely inside the walls of the city, remarking, with no small irritation, that she was going to be arriving for a social function in a “fashion capitol” in dresses her grandmother would have worn, but the combined factors of seeing that the clothing in the city, at least this far away from the city center, was not entirely dissimilar to what she was wearing and the presence of her comital tiara that she had wisely decided to wear as evidence of her status had mostly assuaged her concerns.
However, where those concerns had faded, new ones arose. Upon arrival to the “manor” di Cremaneia, itself resembling a walled fortress far more than any mansion either one of them had ever seen, Rarity and Rainbow Dash had, after some deliberation, simply knocked on the door in order to request a meeting; if the shocked expression of the really quite young mare (a borderline foal, really) at the entryway had been any indication, this was more than a little unusual. After a moment where she retreated from the door, ostensibly to prepare a welcome but, the two suspected, really to discuss the event with her overlord, the now quite nervous mare had requested they follow her into the main hall. Rarity and Rainbow Dash, obviously not wanting to place themselves so far from public view, had protested, leading to their present position within a sort of corner tower outbuilding, a large stained glass window offering a view of the mostly-empty street outside through a kaleidoscope of abstract shapes.
There the two had sat at a small table, a measly platter of refreshments in front of them, for what had seemed like hours now.
Naturally, as one would expect, the conversation was of astonishingly high quality.
“How do they get the bubbles into the water?”
“How do they what?”
“The water. How do you think they get the bubbles into it?”
Rainbow Dash looked up from her Collins glass of effervescent water, befuddled. “What does that have to do with anything?”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Forgive me for making conversation, Rainbow.” She looked out the main window of the room; another smaller pane sat alongside the heavy entrance door set into the wall opposite the stained-glass. “I’m just trying to pass the time while our incredibly tardy host ‘prepares herself,’ or whatever the stewards said.”
Now, to their host’s credit, she was entertaining a visit from an ostensible societal equal completely unannounced, and as such some time to prepare oneself was not unexpected; nevertheless, time had begun to really drag on.
The refreshments helped.
“But, to answer your question, Rares; I don’t know. I think it just comes that way.”
“Comes that way?” Rarity cocked her head. “Comes from what? The ground?”
“The tap, I guess.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “That’s how it was in Cloudsdale, at least.”
Rarity froze. “The what?”
“The tap.” Rainbow Dash repeated. “You know, the faucet? In Cloudsdale you had two faucets, one for still water, one for sparkling.”
Rarity looked back in mouth-agape shock.
“What?”
“Rainbow,” Rarity stated, lead-heavy with disbelief. “Are you telling me that you grew up in a town where seltzer comes out of the faucet?”
“…Yeah? I guess. I mean, it was kinda nice, ‘cause it was really cold cause it comes from the cirrus clouds, so when I was all sweaty from flying around the summer I could just chug a – what?”
Rarity, leaning back in her chair, chuckled softly, eyes closed in mirth.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, Rares. What’s so funny?”
“Rainbow, you are never allowed to make fun of me for being fancy ever again.”
Rainbow Dash raised a hoof in retort. “What? No, hang on, that’s – that–” she lowered her hoof. “Okay, no, yeah, that’s pretty fair.”
Rarity took a breath to steady herself, then reached for the now well-discussed glass of water with a forehoof. “It’s not an insult, mind you, it’s just – shit!”
Rainbow Dash watched, with a wince, as Rarity knocked it over, forehoof clumsily grabbing for it.
“Oh, gods.” Rarity slumped into her chair, sighing in embarrassment. “And here I was almost having a pleasant time.”
“Still working on that, huh?”
“I’m getting there, I suppose, but…” Rarity trailed off, shaking her head. “It gives you a certain appreciation for Earth Ponies, let me tell you.”
“They’ve got something else going on, I think. It’s not fair.” Rainbow Dash gestured towards Rarity’s presently-hidden horn. “How’s the magic?”
“Weird.” Rarity turned the glass back onto its base. “It’s really weird, mostly. Feels sort of, ah, antsy, I suppose. And a little itchy.”
“Antsy?”
“Antsy.” Rarity reiterated. “Like’s somethings building up, like water behind a dam.”
“Antsy. Huh.” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “Is that what’s like when you’re a foal? Because unicorn foals have, uh, surges, right?”
“Not for me at least.” Rarity shook her head. “Unicorns with particularly powerful inherent magic get big surges – I’d wager ten bits Twilight maimed somepony as a foal – but I did not. I’ve always been something of an, er, magical weakling. I failed magical kindergarten–”
Rainbow Dash interrupted her, snorting a laugh. “Wait, magical kindergarten is real? I thought Twilight was always just joking!”
“Oh, it’s very real, Rainbow, even in the hinterland. How else would unicorn foals who caught just the right amount of throwback blood from their differently-gifted parents ever figure out how magic works?”
“I thought both of your parents were unicorns?”
“They are. For them it was just cheap daycare before I was school aged.” Rarity chuckled. “I digress; as I was saying, I failed magical kindergarten – well, really, I suppose the actual term is ‘was released due to inviability.’ They thought I was, as some would rudely put it, a dud.”
“That can happen?”
“Rarely.” Rarity nodded. “I don’t pretend to know what’s inside a horn, although I suppose I got a better look than just about anypony when my own was falling to pieces, but there’s something deeply complicated inside there that just every-once-in-a-while doesn’t come out quite right. And when that happens?” Rarity sucked in a breath through her teeth, shaking her head softly. “Il n’y a rien. Nothing.”
“Oh.” Rainbow Dash leaned back in her chair. “Kinda like Scoots back home.”
“Does she have the same problem?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?” Rainbow Dash shrugged, throwing out her wings from under the shawl. “I mean, look, there’s magic in your wings, and there’s wings in your wings, and she doesn’t have enough of either. She’s still young, so there’s a little hope, but, uh, I don’t see that changing any time soon.” She tucked her wings back under the shawl. “And every time I see her, I know that I should tell her that ‘uh, hey, kid, I know you like these flight lessons and whatever, but there is a very big chance you are never going to reach a cloud under your own power,’ but I – I just don’t want to. She doesn’t have anything else, just nothing else but me, and I don’t know if I can take that away.”
The two mares sat in silence for a moment after that, visibly deflated.
“Well that was a fucking bummer of a sentence to end on. My bad.” Rainbow Dash chuckled darkly before one again pointing to Rarity’s horn. “Anyway, I’m guessing you aren’t actually a, uh, dud, right?”
“No, I am not.” Rarity shook her head, glad to be off that most depressing business. “I am not a powerhouse of magic or anything, but I do manage to squeak into the ‘normal’ category at the doctor’s when I get a physical, even if only just. I’m no Twilight Sparkle, or even a Lyra Heartstrings, that bitch, but it is sufficient, even if I’ve never been able to cast anything more complicated than a modified “Finders-Keepers” spell I use to find shiny rocks, which, incidentally, is what put those upon my buttocks.”
“Well, nothing more complicated until all the fire, I guess.” Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow, amused. “Also, ‘that bitch?’”
“That puke-green skank owes me nine-hundred fucking bits for a dress she ‘accidentally–’” Rarity made quotation marks in the air with her hooves “–wore out of my store while I was performing my ablutions.”
“Dang, that is scummy.” Rainbow Dash snorted a laugh. “Want me to remind you to shoot her in the knees when we get back?”
“Rainbow!” Rarity clutched a forehoof to her breast in hurt. “How dare you suggest something so cruel?”
Defensive, Rainbow Dash held up her hooves. “Aw, come on, Rares, I was just–”
“The knees? How barbarous.” Rarity scoffed. “I’ll go straight for the heart. I can hardly think of a more fitting end for one Miss Heartstrings, no?”
Rainbow Dash paused mid apology, locking eyes with Rarity before the two of them broke into wide smiles, snickering.
“I suppose that wouldn’t help our already dubious impression with the locals of Ponyville, would it?” Rarity asked, wiping her brow with a forehoof as her giggles faded away.
“I think shooting a mare in the middle of the street wouldn’t even, like, crack the top five of ‘worst things those six crazy mares have done to us,’ but it might just edge out the ‘chaos god turned my house into ice cream’ complaints.”
“Fair point.” Rarity leaned forward in her chair, eyeing the pitcher of water. “Well, to bring us back to the original topic at hoof, I am actually quite thirsty, and, in absence of better options, I am going to chug directly from the pitcher in a most inelegant manner.” Rarity gestured towards the door. “Would you mind keeping a lookout? I would hate to be interrupted by our host while I do something so crass.”
Rainbow Dash, usually one to argue against Rarity’s various neuroses about social etiquette, did not, as she agreed that, yeah, chugging out of a pitcher was pretty crass. She hopped out of her chair, trotting over to the door of the room such that she could observe for the approach of their host.
Now, Rainbow Dash, despite occasional appearances, wasn’t a dumb pony. She wasn’t a brilliant pony; she had met brilliant ponies, one of whose names rhymed with “Brilight Farkle,” and she would freely admit that they had her by a good bit when it came to sheer brain power, but she wasn’t a dumb pony. In fact, ponies who spent a lot of time around her would eventually come to admit, sometimes begrudgingly, that, despite her apparent inability to calculate risk, Rainbow Dash was actually a very perceptive and quick pony, even if that perception was occasionally focused on everything but what it should be focused on. But that scattershot approach to perception was occasionally extremely useful; this instance was looking to be one of those cases, because Rainbow Dash had noticed something odd about the room they were in.
Again, Rainbow Dash wasn’t a dumb pony, but she did know some things about doors. For example, doors that opened inwards, as this one did, sometimes had bolts to lock them in place. This door did indeed have a bolt, but, curiously, the receptacle for the bolt had been removed, rendering it useless.
Now that was a puzzling one. Thoroughly intrigued, Rainbow Dash examined the handle on the door. It was as simple as it could be, just a loop of twisted wrought iron bolted to the heavy oak boards that made up the door; she was forced to admit it did have a sort of rustic charm. She also noted that it, however, did not include any kind of internal latch to hold the door closed; thus, there should be nothing holding the door shut.
And yet, the door was shut.
Curious, Rainbow Dash gave the handle a cursory tug.
Authoritatively, “Clunk.”
The door had moved towards her about a quarter-hoof width before something smacked into the stonework door-frame on the other side of the wall, which answered the question about what was holding the door shut. It also meant that the door was locked from the outside.
Huh. Now that was something to think about.
Starting to worry, Rainbow Dash inspected the small window set next to the door. It would have been at about head height on most ponies, but, as she was on the shorter side, the bottom sill ended at the approximate bottom of her jaw. A glance at every corner confirmed her suspicion – the panes of glass were fixed into the wall, not set into a movable pane.
Which, she began to realize in horror, meant there was, if the pane on the opposite wall was the same way, no way of egress from this room.
Rainbow Dash, wings shuffling in alarm, began to back away from the door. “Hey, Rares?”
Rarity was also occupied. Having finished (and really truly finished, a herculean chug, really) the pitcher of water and placed it back onto the table, Rarity, or, really, her immense appetite, had focused on the orange in a small dish on the middle of the table. It was a good looking fruit, nice and round, free of blemishes, and with a vibrant shade of orange. Rarity quite liked a good orange, both because of their health benefits (scurvy did not befit a pretty mare) and because they, rather simply, tasted nice.
Oh, but how to open it with these useless hooves? No knife had been provided, and while she supposed she could bite into the rind and fling it away like wolves diving into a fresh kill, that would seem rather barbaric –
Oh, hang on, speaking of barbaric, could she – no, not with her her horn-tip having been so recently mangled during her medical treatment, it would be far too dull. Rarity, you see, had the peculiar and uncommon (albeit somewhat less so than one might think) guilty pleasure of, when alone, spearing citrus fruits with her horn. There was something about it, something with the resistance and texture that combined with the particular barbarity of it to make for a decidedly spine-tinglingly delicious basal thrill that called back to some deep blood-memory inside a select few unicorns, something wild and –
“Rarity!”
“Ah!” Rarity flung herself away from the table, looking right and left. Had somepony somehow heard her deviant thoughts?
“Rarity!” repeated Rainbow Dash, considerable worry cut with in small part by the hilarity of watching her friend bust her ass falling out of her chair. “Rarity, are you okay? You’ve been staring at an orange for, like, a minute.”
“Fine, fine!” replied Rarity in a still slightly-panicked sing-song voice, moving her chair back to the table. “Just thinking about nutrition, that’s all!”
“… Uh-huh.” Rainbow Dash, skeptical, continued nonetheless. “Well, I think I noticed something kinda, uh, bad.”
“What’s that?” Rarity had, after a little bit of fumbling, hefted the orange, inspecting it in the light.
“Well, it’s, uh, that there isn’t a way out of here.” Rainbow Dash, absentmindedly removing the cover from her wings, used them to point out things around the room. “Because the window by the door doesn’t open, and I’m pretty sure that–” she pointed to the other window in the room “–one is fixed too, and the, uh, door is locked.” A gulp. “From the outside.”
Rarity, without lowering her prize, replied, brows creased with concern. “Which means that we are…”
“Trapped.” Rainbow Dash nodded. “And that us insisting on the outside building because we wanted to make sure we could get out wasn’t really, uh, effective.”
“…Right.” Rarity looked around, now clearly truly worried. “Perhaps it’s just unfortunate optics? If it’s some kind of ambush, I should think they would have merely waylaid us at–”
“CRASH!”
Rainbow Dash and Rarity ducked their heads, ears flattening from the noise of breaking glass pounding through the room. Each mare looked a different direction; Rainbow Dash looked up at the window, noticing that only a single pane had been broken, not the whole thing; Rarity, meanwhile, looked back to the fruit in her hoof, noting, to her confusion, that it wasn’t in her hoof. She looked to the opposite side of the room from the now ventilated window, where she found her orange pinned to the curtains.
With a crossbow bolt, now dripping in citrusy gore.
“O-oh shit.” Rarity fell backwards out of her chair, scooting back along the floor, dress catching on the gaps in the stones. “We’re–”
“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash likewise ducked to the floor, pulling herself against the wall below the window. “We are!”
Rarity, after a shaky breath to steady herself, nodded, looking left and right for something to hide behind. “R-right. Guess that settles that.”
“Oh come on, really?” Rainbow Dash yelled out of the window, more to make herself feel better than anything else. “You invite us in, then try and kill us?”
“Hardly sporting.” Rarity mused, looking at the increasingly perforated window again just in time to watch an indeterminate spell of some kind explode against the glass, once again sending pieces over the mare taking cover against the wall underneath it. “Get away from there before you get your head cut off!”
Rainbow Dash, not one to argue with such obvious evidence, nodded, throwing herself against the wall on the opposite side of the door. She turned her head, a drop or two of blood already running from a nick on her snout, to Rarity, keeping a hoof against the door in case of an attempted entry. “You’re looking calmer than I thought you would, Rares!”
“Not my first time stuck somewhere with no way out but into the jaws of death, actually.” Rarity replied, scooting herself under the table in the middle of the room. “But let’s not focus on the whole ‘dying’ thing until we’re dead. Any ideas?”
“Fuck if I know!” Rainbow Dash ducked again as something else smashed into the window, this time not making it into the room. “’Cause I don’t like our odds going out the way we came in, and I don’t see any way to get out through the big-ass window on the other side of the room either.”
Rarity didn’t respond, looking around the posts under the table, inspecting the window in question. Indeed, there wasn’t any obvious way it was going away – the little glass panes were quite firmly set into the dull, lusterless metal crossbars that ran from wall to wall, with no obvious way to – no, hang on a second–
With a start, Rarity sprung out from under the table, rearing back as she exited and delivering a firm Applejack-esque kick which swiftly toppled it onto its side as she called out to Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow! I think I’ve got us a way out!”
“Yeah?”
“Yes!” Rarity threw herself against one end of the now turned-over furniture, attempting to rotate it so that the broad side sat facing the door for use as cover; it scooted a little bit, but her mass was insufficient to really spin it. “But I need you to help me move this first!”
Rainbow Dash, after a moment to ensure no new volleys of bolts seemed to be coming through the window, flung herself behind the table with one powerful flap of her wings, skidding to a halt beside Rarity. “And how are you going to do that with a table, exactly?”
“Less questions, more pushing!” Rarity pushed herself against the table, already lightly panting from effort. “On three?”
Rainbow Dash nodded, likewise positioning herself to heave against the furniture; as Rarity reached zero, both, with wings and hooves in Rainbow Dash’s case, heaved mightily, successfully spinning the heavy oak table to a horizontal position.
“What was that for anyway?”
As a finer answer than Rarity could ever provide, two bolts thudded themselves into the top of the table.
“That.” Rarity gestured towards the impacts with her head. “I’ll need some time to get through the window, and I’d prefer not to die from an arrow to the spine whilst I do so.”
“… Get through?” The sheer casualness of Rarity’s statement about apparently “getting through” a sealed window had managed to temporarily shock Rainbow Dash out of her agitated state, wings ceasing to rustle. “What do you mean get through?”
“I mean get through, and I have more important things to do than explain how when you’ll see in only a moment.” Rarity reached up with a forehoof and inelegantly removed her wig and tiara, exposing her horn, then pointed to the window. “Now, go lick one of the crossbars and tell me what it tastes like, please?”
Rainbow Dash looked back in abject confusion.
“What?” Rarity demanded. “Did you not hear me?”
“Uh,” Rainbow Dash started, not having moved. “A-are you, like, making a joke, or–”
Another spell flew at the window, this time passing through an open portion of the panes and slamming into the table with a distinct “WHUMP” and smell of burnt lacquer. Both mares dropped to the ground.
After a moment to ensure no other spells were immediately coming in, Rarity stood back up to full height, eyes furious and horn sparking. “No, I am not making a joke! Do you really think I’d be making a fucking joke right now?”
“It sure sounds like it!” shot back Rainbow Dash even as she prepared to bolt over to the window. She flapped her wings, shooting over to the window before, much to her still-present confusion, licking one of the crossbars.
“Well?” asked Rarity.
Rainbow Dash smacked her lips a few times. “Well, it’s, uh, mostly just dusty, but I guess it’s kinda … sweet, maybe?”
“Perfect.” Rarity, looking immensely pleased, dropped into a crouch, bracing herself against the table. “Now please fuck off from my side of this room and put yourself back by the door such that we aren’t killed via a sword to the belly, because I have work to do.”
“Which is?” Rainbow Dash had already begun to run over to the door; she may not have been convinced by Rarity’s plan, whatever it was, but she was convinced of the necessity to keep herself from being stabbed.
“That sweet stuff keeping the glass in is lead, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity chuckled darkly. “And while I can’t melt glass, I can melt lead.”
With a stomp of a back hoof and a guttural cry, Rarity’s horn sparked to life, shooting out a focused stream of blue fire to a good six hoof-widths in front of her face. Unfortunately, Rarity was about four times that distance from the window, so that wasn’t going to quite cut it.
“You’re going to burn our way out of here?” Rainbow Dash looked up at the ceiling high above – long, dark timbers. “With a wooden roof?”
“We’re either going to be out of here or dead by the time the ceiling catches, Rainbow. Either way, it’s not our problem.”
“Guess so.” Rainbow Dash once again ducked against the wall by the door. “And since when do you know what lead melts at?”
“Since I started making balls and shot in my basement.” Rarity eyed the rather diminutive spout of flame currently spewing forth from her horn disapprovingly. She knew she could make more fire than this; she had on accident while strapped to a tree. “Although right now I’m not sure I’ve quite got the chutzpah to get through; I seem to be coming up a little short.”
“Well, uh, don’t?” Rainbow Dash said. “I’d prefer not to die in here, Rares!”
Rarity snorted in derision. “Yes, well, very helpful Rainbow, but I’m trying my–” oh, hang on. Rarity suddenly, in conjunction with her minor outburst of anger, noticed that the flame coming from her face had grown ever so slightly bigger. “–that’s it!” Rarity exclaimed gleefully. “Rainbow, say something that will make me furious!”
“What?”
“Do it!”
“Well, uh, like…” Rainbow Dash thought for a moment, trying to figure out the right combination of elements in this verbal cocktail to really get Rarity running. “Uh, Sweetie Belle will grow up to be way prettier than you! Just, like, a way better mane!”
“Nope, that one wasn’t it, sorry.” Rarity gave a few chuckles despite the severity of their situation, just barely audible over the sound of fire. “Poor girl will need the looks, really, not a lot else going for her.”
“Okay, uh,” Rainbow Dash chewed on her cheek for a second. “Oh! Even before she got wings and everything, Twilight always had a nicer horn than you! Just pointier, and nicer, and, like, better?”
“Factually correct, so not frustrating. Dud, remember?”
“Damn, uh, like – oh!” Rainbow Dash lit up. “I get all my tailoring done at Sofas and Quills!”
“fwww-WOOOOSH!”
That one did it.
“You WHAT?” roared Rarity, barely audible over the other roar she was producing: the flame had about doubled in size.
“I’m joking, I’m joking!” yelled back Rainbow Dash, squeezing herself against the wall as best she could to hide from the intense heat.
“You’d BETTER be, you – oooooooooohhhhhh…” Rarity moaned loudly: that nebulous “antsy” feeling of pressure in her head was rapidly fading, like stretching out an awful cramp. “…yeah.”
“Is that a, uh, good moan Rarity?” Rainbow Dash craned her head up, trying to see over the table at the veritable jet engine on the other side. “Or are you, like, dying?”
“Oh, it’s very good.” Rarity cackled, metaphorically feeling around in her head for whatever metaphorical carburetor she had just metaphorically figured out how to relax. “Especially if I can just–”
She apparently could ”just,” as the spout of flame once again redoubled in size, flaring forcefully against the window.
“…Holy…” Rainbow Dash stammered out, barely audible over the sound of the inferno and the crazed ramblings of the inferno’s producer. She, after another glance at the prodigious flames, shook her head, clearing her thoughts for the task at hoof; keeping the door closed. It was right on time, too; just as she splayed a forehoof across the door, she could hear something, probably the unseen crossbar, scraping open outside.
Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, a combination of her years of aerobatic exercise and her naturally small stature had rendered her a particularly light mare, and even though she had almost immediately thrown herself against the door, hind legs braced against the floor, it continued to creep open, quickly reaching enough space for a mahogany-red foreleg to just poke through the gap. Rainbow Dash, suddenly wishing she had been a little less joking about bringing some kind of weapon, chose her next best option: throwing her head over to the corner of the door and biting as hard as she could. She was rewarded with a mare’s yell, then a series of unintelligible swears; the move had put Rainbow Dash off balance, however, and the she tumbled to the floor, letting the door open and revealing the mare, a slightly stumpy Earth Pony, now with a knife in her teeth and clutching at her forehoof.
Both mares scrambled to their hooves; the one outside rushing to enter the room, Rainbow Dash to get behind the now mostly-open door; having learned her lesson from before, Rainbow Dash didn’t bother to try and push the door closed against the intruder, instead lining up for a double-hoofed back-kick. As soon as the mare’s head entered the room, eyes wide in alarm as she caught sight of the enormous spout of fire currently taking up the middle of it, Rainbow Dash did her best impression of Applejack, slamming her back hooves out from under the back of her dress and into the boards and launching the door into the mare. The edge of the door caught her right in the front of the head, sending her slumping to the ground, muzzle twisted at an awful angle and knife clattering to the floor.
“Yeah, take that, you–” Rainbow Dash’s eyes lingered heavily over the mare prostrate on the floor, her snarky, triumphant quip that had been rising previously in her throat replaced with rising bile instead. Not trusting her mouth to be open, she put a back hoof on the mare’s head and, ignoring the horrible feeling of things moving underneath in a way they shouldn’t, pushed her out of the doorway, closing the door behind her.
No sooner had she pushed the door to than her front hoof slipped; only with a quick flap of the wings was she able to keep herself from tumbling. A quick glance down to check what it was she slipped in confirmed the worst: a crimson skid across the floor, her fetlocks stained in sympathy. Rainbow Dash promptly added to the mess on the floor by losing her previous battle, upchucking her meager breakfast.
Rarity, hearing the action behind her, inquired without turning around or ceasing her infernal assault. “Rainbow? Are you okay?”
“… I guess,” responded Rainbow Dash after a spit, placing herself back behind the door and picking up the dropped knife in her left wing. “But you’ve really got to hurry, Ra–”
She didn’t get a chance to finish; as the door behind her flung open with enough force to launch her ass-over-head into the front of the table, slamming into the flat top fully splayed and upside down, only narrowly avoiding the shafts of the bolts stuck into the piece of furniture. Opening her eyes revealed a trio of mean-looking ponies in the door’s threshold; two Earth Ponies, each armed with heavy shoes, and one unicorn, horn already crackling with a spell.
Frantic, Rainbow Dash cried out. “R-RARITY!”
“Keep low!” Rarity, having heard the impact and quite easily figuring out where Rainbow Dash was, wheeled around, never dousing her flame. She didn’t really know what she should be aiming at, but the screams as she gave one final burst of white-hot fire meant that she probably hit something important.
Rainbow Dash, not one to to waste a good opportunity, ducked around the side of the table, skidding to a halt beside Rarity just as she finally extinguished. Rarity, as one would probably expect from a mare who just spent the last minute and a half on fire, was positively drenched in sweat, dress visibly damp even through its layers and droplets falling from her chin.
“Did – wheeze – I get them?” asked Rarity, ducking behind the table, panting heavily.
Rainbow Dash popped her head over the table, spotting nothing but the now-scorched and smoldering remnants of the door; satisfied, she nodded, likewise ducking back down. “I’d say you did.”
“Right.” Rarity shivered. ”Rather glad I didn’t see that, really.” She turned around, surveying the results of her efforts with wide eyes. “Oh my, I guess I could get through after all!”
Rainbow Dash turned towards the window too, spotting the damage and whistling. “You sure did a number on the window, huh?”
She had; the window had been reduced to warped pieces of glass and puddles of red-hot molten lead, the surrounding stonework scorched black.
Rainbow Dash continued. “You good after that?”
“I need a cigarette or six, but I’m pretty damn swell, actually.” Rarity pointed up at the ceiling, timbers starting to catch and drop embers, then stood up, dropping into a sprinter’s crouch. “But I don’t think we have time to admire. Ready to go?”
Rainbow Dash nodded. “After you.”
Rarity took a deep breath, then, after a sheepish pause to re-don her wig and tiara, launched forwards, bounding on great steps before jumping through the former site of the window, dress billowing in the wind as she disappeared from view, landing with an audible “clack” of hooves after what sounded like a pony-length drop.
After a moment for Rarity to clear the landing zone, Rainbow Dash spread her wings, flaring her feathers in preparation to launch, then one step, two steps, and out–
Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, one of the intrepid crossbow wielding ponies had fired his bolt through the open door, wisely having decided to loose his bolt once the enormous tongues of fire pouring from the room ceased. Had Rainbow Dash left mere seconds earlier or later, the bolt would have sailed overhead harmlessly; had his aim been just slightly lower or higher, it would have embedded into the table or bounced off the wall-stones.
It was, in all aspects, a one in a million shot – but the Bearers had prevailed against those kind of odds before, and the world had a way of balancing these things out.
Instead, it found its target just as she caught air through the window, carving a path through her dress and her right haunch underneath before flying on into the meat of the respective wing, embedding within and stopping the appendage’s up-stroke.
All she could do was gasp as she rolled to the left, landing heavily on her other, outstretched, wing as she skidded across the pavement.
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What the heck did Lyra do?
...actually, no, scratch that, asking what has Lyra not done would probably be the better question.
Let's be honest here--we all knew there'd be at least one assassination attempt sooner or later. I'm actually a bit more surprised it didn't happen sooner.
It's also probably why Rome did... a lot of the things they did. Using lead as a sweetener, that is.
And so Rainbow Dash joins the ranks of the bloodied Mane 6.
Rara's buggered head, Flutters buggered wing and ribs, Twiggles buggered nose, and now Dash's wing(s).
Luna will have quite a bit of compensation to give.
11201863
Look, I'm not going to try keeping wine in leaden containers to produce lead acetate, but all I'm saying is that the combination of pre-Industrial Roman wine full of off alcohols and contaminants for that good short-term brain melting and lead compounds for chronic damage probably results in just an almighty level of getting completely zooted, like, just holy jeebus I bet that stuff hit like an out of control locomotive.
I'd agree with Venerable Ro on this
You continue to amaze with your ability to write characters out of character while still remaining in character, if that makes any sense.
for Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash, and even Luna for all her apparent denseness. [1] Not so much for Twilight, which seems to have the morals and habits of a junkie. (I suspect when Luna gets back to Equestria, she is going to find herself under arrest for misappropriation of Crystal Empire funds).
Celestia - hmm. She's a real ass (apologies, Cranky) in this one, but it, alas, isn't too far from late-season canon when it comes to being useless (Rainbow Dash actually lampshades this in the season nine opener) and bad in dealing with her sister (took her six seasons to give Luna a throne, and right after that, she retires. Did Luna, with a thousand years less on the throne, actually want to quit, or did she just go along with what Celestia wanted?). Still, wouldn't she do something if she found two of the Elements of Harmony were in immediate danger of being killed? [2]
Planning on having Pinkie show up at some time, or is she just one of those things which are just too absurd to start with to make good satire/parody?
Give how awful Bitaly is and continues to be compared to Equestria proper, I wonder if a better analogy than "medieval vassal" might be US client states during the Cold war, in which we didn't care much what the local dictator got up to as long as they were a "bastard on our side, not theirs." (But then we need an "other side" they can threaten to join up with: the Zebrican Empire? The Minotaur Creature's Collective?)
[1] Other readers, refresh my memory: did she pick and confer a Bitalian title entirely on her lonesome, or did some government official, who should have known better, sign off on it? In which case they, too, should be reassigned to the Yakyakistan snowflake census.
[2] Ah, but then Luna would have to tell her why they're at high risk of death...
oh fuck that can't be good can it
11202046
The answer to your footnote 1 is that the title was given to her, not picked. They needed a "worthless comital title" near Marelan to give away so that Rara could sieze/inherit the duchy and get their moniez, remember? They just gave it to her. Now, whether or not the Viscount etc. knew about how bad things are in the colonies is ... a future plot point. Same goes for a bunch of other stuff in your comment, too; we're not close to the end.
I have no plans for the ponkster: we're at too many characters already anwyay.
Man this series is going to end with all of the bearers hospitalized or at least medically advised to be.
Just like a Daring Do book!
They just hurt her waifu. I hope Rarity goes all pyro on them now
Hmm does killing other nobles count as conquering their titles? That might help Rarity expand her demesne. The fact that Bitaly sucks more than a dead skunk's ass after one week of asphalt grilling is a mere detail.
Well that's breaking the tradition of hospitality.
Another wonderfully horrible installment. I half expect the whole city will be burned to the ground by the time Luna and company arrive. Better than even odds by the time they leave.
11203961
The original title of this chapter was "O, Valencia [Orange]!" as both a reference to The Decemberists' song and, further, as a really dumb pun in light of the chapter's citrusy violence. The next line in the song after the title drop is, incidentally, "I will burn this whole city down!"
What are the odds?
11204030
Could've gone with "Oh (Vignette) Valencia" instead, implying that the pony counterpart of an EQG villain is going to be dead by the end of all this.
11206821
She (will) return(s), rest assured.
Oh no! Anyways.
All in on violence I guess.
Geez, what is this place, Sicily?
I love this world. It's absolutely the most twisted version of Equestria I've come across. It's hilarious at how horrible everypony actually is. I just have this little niggling feeling that when this one is all said and done, all of this will just be a simple misunderstanding. (But the jury's still out on just whose misunderstanding.)