Mark My Words

by Goldfur

Jurassic Mark

This Sunday’s excursions would take place in Canterlot on the portal limited to two hours per dimension. The new twelve-hour-duration portal would stay in the Castle of Friendship until it passed an extensive round of testing. Also, Twilight and Crisp Berry were having trouble getting ISAAC fully integrated into the new portal’s controls. With age, my co-ruler’s love of invention hadn’t dimmed, but her level of discipline had improved. Gone were the days of wanton destruction in the name of scientific discovery. Now, checklists and safety protocols were the orders of the day. Personally, I would be happy to never see the shattered remains of another oven.

With every new dimension, I kept hoping to find an Equestria that was in some way more technologically advanced than our Empire. So far, only the House Path dimension came close on account of their amalgam of Equestrian magic and basic computational technology.

It seemed that fate was destined to continue to tease me with such hopes. Upon emerging into this latest dimension next to Shining Armor, I thought we had found another world where ponies hadn’t developed. I scanned my eyes across untouched wilderness as Penny and Gallus joined the group. Instead of softwoods and deciduous conifers, this world contained palm trees and enormous ferns. Vines and moss hung from nearby branches.

Twilight trotted up to my side and craned her neck to see the canopy far overhead. “Any sign of ponies or other intelligent life?”

“Not that I…” Right then, a mixture of all three pony tribes sprang out from the woods and encircled Shining’s shield while leveling spears at us. “… Never mind.”

To be more specific, stone-tipped spears. The party looked by all appearances like savages, down to wearing crude smocks of woven plant life.

“Who you that come from shiny hole in world?”

I focused on the speaker. Beneath the dirt and dark stripes of camouflage, an orange earth pony mare glared at me with green eyes. She had about the same build and straw hair color as our Applejack. The mare was a little hard to understand because she spoke with a bit of a lisp, the result of the saber tooth teeth all of the ponies sported. Yes, that’s right – we were surrounded by saber-toothed cave ponies. It took an effort on my part to hold back my laughter and resist yelling “Yabba Dabba Doo!”

I replied. “We have come from another world; can you take us to your leader so that we may speak with them?”

The cave ponies moved back to confer with one another. After a few moments, their spokespony stepped forward again. “We take you to Chiefs. Chiefs decide what to do. Now, follow.”

Twilight had recently added a portal lock feature to our gateway. Only ponies whose bodies matched our dimension’s frequency could pass through when it was active. This applied to all animal and plant life as well. Thus, we could leave without fear of unwanted incursion into our Equestria. At my nod, Shining Armor dropped his shield and we followed the cave ponies further up the mountainside. The warm, moist air carried the complex scents of the jungle surrounding us.

I kept wondering why herbivores like ponies would evolve to have saber tooth teeth. Then I noticed that two of the ponies were hauling something tied to a long stick. It looked like a pig, but this one was a vibrant and healthy green mass of foliage – like a green pig version of a timberwolf.

After a quarter-hour, we came to an elevated point where we could look past the edge of the jungle. In the distance, I saw what I thought for a moment were dinosaurs. Then my jaw dropped when I noted they were all green: creatures resembling long-necked sauropods, frilled and spiked triceratops, and armored ankylosaurus were the few I recognized. Everywhere, living plants were in the shape of herbivorous dinosaurs. It seemed in this dimension, the local plants had evolved to put up a bit of a fight. If getting a meal meant facing that kind of challenge, it might explain why ponies here were still so primitive.

---

Our guides led us to a cave and we were ushered inside. Illumination came from a combination of luminous moss and smoky torches set in the walls. Groups of saber-toothed ponies of all tribes went about various tasks. Young foals in the cave weren’t engaged in play, instead helping where they could in their parents' tasks. A team of unicorns cooked while other ponies butchered a plant monster carcass. I averted my eyes from some tribe members making love off behind a crude shed.

I took this in as we were led deeper into the caves. The yellow earth pony led us to a large chamber decorated with crudely woven and painted banners. What I decided to think of as Cave Celestia sat upon a roughly cut stone throne. In place of her usual gold regalia, she wore a crown and necklaces of what appeared to be bone and uncut cabochon jewels. Cave Luna was similarly attired on a throne next to her sister.

Their Celestia looked us over carefully while our guide spoke to her leaders in hushed tones. The white alicorn then raised her head and addressed us – her own saber-like teeth not causing as much of a lisp as those of our initial guide.

“I hear you came to our land through hole in sky. Why have you come to land of Stone Dwellers? To trade? Seek mates? Or contest with us for this land?”

Luna said. “Too many moons since my sister and I subdued and taken worthy stallion.” She smiled around her fangs. “I would not object to brawling with all three of yours.”

Celestia put on the same grin. “No, Sister. Three against two more fair … dibs on white unicorn.” Next to me, Shining Armor’s whole body jumped in apparent shock.

Luna slammed a hoof into her throne. “Bah! Always with eldest privilege. Very well. Cute beaked one looks exotic… and tasty.”

As relieved and slightly puzzled at not being the focus of amorous mares – for once – I needed to redirect the conversation. I tried to speak as reassuringly as I could while enunciating slowly to match their style of speech. “We have not come for any of those reasons. We are explorers from a place far, far away. Our… village seeks knowledge and to help our fellow ponies. We hope to establish a friendly alliance.”

Luna shrugged. “Very well. Mating play later.”

Her smile lost its predatory edge. “Sister, perhaps strange ponies with strange knowledge can help the tribe regain happier times before plant beasts.”

My ears pricked forward. “So you're saying that ponies here weren’t always living this primitive existence?’’

Celestia nodded. “Before my time and Sister’s time. Oldest legends say this started when Chancellor Puddinghead tried to make salad with more bite. How that made the plant beasts… a little unclear.’’

Twilight mumbled, “That would have been a doozy of a miswritten spell – equal parts genius and carelessness… perhaps with a lot of whiskey mixed in.”

Having seen the Hearthswarming Pageant and sat through Twilight’s lecture on Equestrian history, that sounded feasible for the somewhat mad Chancellor.

Luna took over the narrative. “Beasts laid waste to settlements, as they were built of wood. Perhaps they saw them as bones. While stone buildings were untouched, life in large cities became impossible. Creatures attacked every shipment of wood, grain, fruit, or any other plant stuff. Now we live in caves. They see plant eaters as something to hate and plants as something to protect. We guard our fields and orchards every day and every night. Ponies face death to survive. Only good part is that beasts, when slain, are bountiful and tasty harvest.”

Gallus said, “So you’ve got a food crisis and a very hostile environment. Have you tried communicating with the beasts? Or used magic to undo whatever Puddinghead did that caused them to become what they are?”

Celestia shook her head, “Beasts attack on sight of ponies. Fall to same traps and tricks most times. No way to communicate because just dumb animals. For magic, we can blast beasts with horns but just makes them madder.”

That last statement caught Twilight’s attention, “Are you saying that you haven’t tried using the standard undo animation spell on the plant creatures?”

Both princesses furrowed their brows at my co-ruler’s statement. We both realized that magic here was as primitive as the locals. Perhaps we could solve their issue rather easily. But then a question popped into my head that I just had to ask first. “How do you two raise the sun and moon?”

Celestia quirked an eyebrow. “We perform ritual of Sun and Moon. Sun and moon move. Always done it this way.”

Twilight brightened, “Of course! Ritual magic. Scholars theorized that was how ancient Equestrians first develop more complex spell craft. Could I observe this ritual?”

“Hold on, Twi. Excuse me, Your Highnesses, we need a moment to confer.” With that said, I pulled everyone into a huddle. Without having to be asked, Shining Armor threw up a privacy bubble.

“OK, options, ponies. Can we solve this or is this a problem we leave alone?”

Shining spoke first, “I think it’s worth a try. While their numbers are small enough that we could relocate them, this is still their home.”

Twilight said, “A general reversal spell might work, but on the other hoof, these beasts have been magically evolving for centuries. The base animation cantrip may have changed to the point it can’t be reversed, or is so different that every species or even individual would need a unique counterspell.”

I nodded. “OK, so that’s Option One. Any other thoughts?”

Gallus spoke up, “Maybe they could domesticate some of the smaller beasts, sort of like Twiggy. That would at least solve their food issues to some degree.”

I nodded and Gallus had put another idea into my head, “OK, that’s Option Two. Moving on to Option Three. Sparkles, didn’t Fluttershy say she was on good terms with the Timberwolf Alpha Fifi back home? Maybe we could have the two come here and negotiate?”

Twilight nodded, “I can ask her, but that’s probably a long shot. Remember, while Fifi is friendly, he’s by no means tame. It took Fluttershy and Zecora years to build their relationship with him.”

With no further ideas forthcoming, we presented these plans to the Cave Princesses and they agreed to allow us to implement them.

---

Sadly, our efforts didn’t produce the results we were hoping for.

Twilight’s attempt to use a reversal spell on the beasts proved fruitless. At best, it seemed to remove some of the aggression from the beasts, but not enough to allow for any form of domestication. Any attempts to cage the beasts resulted in their howls bringing in others in the vicinity to their rescue. That caused several injuries and the cave ponies were not willing to make another attempt.

Our final plan ended before it began. Fifi was unwilling to leave the Everfree to pass through the portal. Given the aggressive nature of the plant beasts, no one was willing to risk Fluttershy in an attempt to communicate with them.

In the end, we decided the best we could do for the locals was offer them passage to some other dimension or provide assistance to give them better protection against the beasts.

The locals didn’t want to leave their home and I couldn’t blame them. We settled on Option Four: Providing assistance. For this option, we had lots of prior experience.

Thanks to instructors from the Royal Guard and EUP, the cave ponies quickly gained mastery of modern spears and swords. A few weeks of training emphasized the importance of communication and teamwork.

Teaching them unicorn magic was a tougher challenge, with my co-ruler insisting on instructing the Princesses herself. Unfortunately, Twilight was unable or unwilling to tailor her lessons to any version of Celestia or Luna down to the level of simplicity needed. After her lessons had resulted in the Cave Princesses’ throne room getting an unexpected skylight, I suggested we employ foal-level instructors to start them on the most basic of basics.

After a few weeks, we could already see progress. Healing and shield spells resulted in fewer serious injuries. Newly constructed stone walls surrounded the fields and orchards. They funneled creature attacks into chokepoints where improved tactics and weapons stopped every incursion. The cave ponies increased the number of hunts into the nearby valley and jungle and often came back successful.

A month after our first contact, the Cave Pony Princesses invited the original exploration party to join them in their traditional celebration of friendship. Twilight was beside herself in frustration – her favorite topic in the world but she couldn’t attend. She and Thorax had scheduled a Hive Queen’s Summit at the Crystal Hive that weekend which took priority. My co-ruler made me promise to tell her all about the “unique cultural approach to friendship” when she returned that Sunday evening. After all, it wasn’t Mating Season in either realm “so this was the best time to learn their customs.” That left Shining Armor, Gallus, Penny, and myself to experience the hospitality of the Cave Pony Princesses.

---

I awoke in a jumble of limbs and feathers. A pounding headache made me groan, which was quickly followed by several all around me. Taking stock, my entire body felt sore – my stallion body. At least that hadn’t changed at any point during the evening … or had it? My memory was more than a little fuzzy.

After much shifting and shuffling apart, the five of us swayed unsteadily on our legs. Looking around the cave chamber, I spotted Penumbra calmly filing her claws. Oh, right. She hadn’t joined in the drinking at all, just hanging back like the professional bodyguard she was.

Cave Luna said, “Does…” then winced. In a softer voice, she practically whispered, “Does anypony… sorry beaked-one… does anyone remember what happened after third cask?”

Shining Armor opened his bloodshot eyes. “There was a third cask?”

Gallus held his head in both hands. “I remember tasting everyone’s… hooves? That can’t be right. What was in that stuff?”

Luna said, “Our finest mead. Made only with best melt-away flowers.”

“Melt-away?” I asked.

“Yes. All problems and worries melt away.”

Celestia licked the full length of both fangs. What the heck did that gesture mean? “There was… drumming. No… matter. Sister, we must perform the Ritual of the Heavens.” Her horn sputtered and she fell onto her rump. “Later.”

I cast a pain-deadening spell onto myself then reached out to the horizon. The sun and moon felt surprised by my touch but seemed happy to switch places at my gentle suggestion.

Behind me, I heard two voices say, “Ohhhhhh.”

I turned my head to see both princesses wearing identical appraising looks. Luna said, “You must teach.” Her horn sputtered as her sister’s had done. “Later.”

What Celestia said sparked the ghost of a memory. “I turned into Celestial form at some point. There was dancing and I challenged Celestia to a drumming contest.” The path through my memories came to a cliff with only blackness beyond. So much for taking detailed notes on cultural interactions. “Penny, what happened last night?”

Five sets of eyes turned to my third wife. She set down her file and looked us over. “Truly, I am most terribly sorry. I Pinkie Promised not to talk about it… or write about it or compose lyrics, make a painting, etc., etc.”

Maybe that was for the best. No, almost certainly that was for the best.

I picked up the only unopened cask sitting next to a half-dozen empties. After pondering what to do with it, I hoofed the powerful brew to Penumbra and motioned with my head to her saddlebags. She dutifully stowed it away with a smirk. She might have figured out where it would go.

After shared hugs and promises of future good relations, the Cave Princesses flopped down onto the woven bark flooring and began snoring almost immediately. Not an option for me.

As Shining, Gallus, and I dragged ourselves toward the room containing the permanent portal to our Equestria, Penny came up to my side. “I can give you a couple of hints.”

“I don’t think I want to know.”

She shrugged. “As my sovereign, you gave me orders I felt compelled to follow. Also, you pulled off a transformation I had never seen before.”

I stopped in my tracks, trying to puzzle that out. Penny continued without me, her tail swishing happily … and was there a hitch in her step? I shook my head. Either I was imagining it or Penny was playing mind games again. I hoped.

Back in our Equestria, the first ponies I saw were a beaming Twilight Sparkle accompanied by her husband. The very loud alicorn asked questions a mile a minute apparently without the need to take a breath. Of course, she would be here.

I nodded to Penumbra. She pulled the cask of mead from her saddlebags and gave it to my co-ruler.

I said, “Sparkles, all your answers as to what happened are in there.”

Twilight stopped talking, much to my relief. She tilted her head as she studied the cask.

I trotted past, clopping Thorax on the shoulder. “Let me know how it goes.”

---

That evening, my herdmates and especially Trixie were not pleased with my lack of answers. Penny only had to say the words “Pinkie Promise” to escape any questioning. Ultimately, Chrysalis came to my rescue, saying my lacking even a shred of guilt vouched for my truthfulness. I think I got off rather lightly, only needing to sleep alone on the couch for a single evening. I won’t mention how many wives joined me on the couch at some point during the night.

I awoke to see Celestia on the balcony, performing her morning duties as the sun rose over the horizon. As I drank in the lovely and naggingly familiar sight, I heard a *poof* sound above me. Reaching out a hoof, I caught the scroll and opened it.

Dear Mark Wells,

What in the Name of the First Egg was in that mead?

To answer your question: Even more energetic than when she returned from two weeks chasing Starlight Glimmer through dimensions. Also, much more demanding and creative.

Not this morning, though. This is all she said. “Not enough coffee in the world to cure this headache. What happened last night? I can’t remember anything past the first glass. Never mind, I don’t care. I’m going back to sleep.”

You may need to set the sun this evening.

Your Friend in Harmony,

Thorax

P.S. What in the Name of the First Egg was in that mead?

That’s when I realized Penumbra was standing next to the couch, also reading the letter. I rolled it up and passed it to her.

She kissed me full on the lips. “Well done, my apprentice. More sleep for you as well. Your mares hardly let you do so last night. Your Great and Powerful leadmare will attend to Day Court.”

I smiled and closed my eyes. All was right with the world.

# # # # # # # # #

Author's Note:

Chapter by Tek, editing by Airy Words, proofreading by me.

Comments

[Booster Spice]

This is worthy of The Adams Family Pinball Machine.

MEAD.

[Theresa hall]

That is some powerful stuff. They want to get some more of drunk prisoners are less trouble.

[Black--Soul]

Awesome chapter, I actually expected a T-Rex or Veloceraptor etc to spice up their journey.

Mark Empire helps Nanyang others more than they gain, but raw materials will flow into their empire eventually. No matter how big a world is, ressources are finite! Having so many worlds to get ressources will pay in time very well.
And alicorns are great at playing the long game.

The mead alone is worth a lot!

[Admiral Q Ponyform]

I would have laugh so hard of they ended up in the raptor pit at the old park

[Midknight Defender]

Trisaladtops. Broccoliosaur. Asparagyosaurus. Cauliflognathus.

[tsaukpaetra]

The plant creatures must be domesticated! There are many possibilities you can't comprehend!
Just imagine an impossible burger made of the "meat" of a plant-cow!

[FoxyLove]

That kind of Mead can do wonderfull and yet terrible things...

[Asolem2]

Five sets of eyes turned to my third wife. She set down her file and looked us over. “Truly, I am most terribly sorry. I Pinkie Promised not to talk about it… or write about it or compose lyrics, make a painting, etc., etc.”

What about a theatrical reenactment... or interpretive dance?

[Piemaster128]

Chrono Trigger indeed.

[Alden MacManx]

I wonder how many bits (or equivalent) Mark can make selling the finished mead to other timelines?

Of course, his portal defenses would have to be upgraded before he sold his first keg, in case of troubles...

[Eroraf86]

11749554
I'd have gone with an-kale-osaurus, personally.