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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Oh dear.:Discord:
Looks like things are starting to heat up, and in more ways than one. I can’t wait to see what comes next.
OH OH! YES! THIS IS GREAT! Guess Zecora was so tired she made the potion of Just Fucking Talk™ ...I don't blame her.
I bak 'v'
And I am taking a note to never drink strange drinks given to me by zebras, I fear for what I might say. And now, for the few scraps of corrections and suggestions I've found!
or arriving at a reasonable hour, Gilda and Gabby were arriving at four am to a completely deserted platform.
Nothing necessarily wrong here, it still says exactly what you want it to, but teeeeeeechnically it would be a.m. or A.M. rather than just "am"
...golden glowing eyes. a set of fangs peeked out of her mouth ever so slightly.
Just a capitalization thing here, carrying on.
"Morning, ladies, anything your looking for at this hour?"
*Insert meme of your vs. you're*
"Wait. they are here,
I swear, the more capitalizations I point out the more I feel like I have a stick shoved somewhere up my-... *ahem,* anyway..
Oddly, the first thing she noticed they had the most stock of, was toilet paper...and a lot of it.
No correction here, just flashbacks... we all know the pain, we all suffered together.
Unless you, reading this comment, you right there were one of the ones hoarding it... Yeah you, Kevin... I'm watching you.
I gotta have my fun typing this out one way or another"oh my gosh you haven't lived until you've soaked under one of these showers.
...crystal clear water. wishes from foals and parents alike.
Please refer to my previous comment about sticks in dark places.
And now for just suggestions and comments on Zecora alone. None of these are corrections, just my little input on her lines ^v^
"Come in, come in, no more sleep shall I get, until I fix your issues within."
I see where the rhyme is here, in / within, just the pacing seems... wrong. Then again, poetry was never my strong suit, and I have no ideas for what could be done to improve this one off the top of my head.
"Toss this out into the wilds, do not get it on your claws, lest they need be immediately filed."
Here I'd personally change wilds to just wild to make it rhyme better with filed.
"What are the secrets that you've both sown, that you don't want the other to know?"
Now this one irked me for some reason, buuuuut I do at least have I think a good suggestion for it!
...that you (wouldn't/don't) want the other to have known?
I think that flows better, both for the rhyme of the sentence and for how the two halves of the sentence flow together. Of course, "don't" still works there, but I like how it sounds with "wouldn't" in there better. What do you think about it?
Nice lil' short and sweet chapter, with the same comedy I'd expect from this. Can't be serious or sexy all the time, after all. Gotta say though, didn't expect the potion at first until how blunt Gabby suddenly was, but it got a laugh out of me.
10846826
Eee thank youuuuu!!!!!
Gonna start giving you the credit for editing. You've been so kind and helpful!
And yes kevin...we know you're a hoarder xD
Yaaaaah.
10847143
No worries, just happy to help! Plus it's something fun to do in my spare time, combing through to find the little things.
So much floof!
I'm pleased. Looking forward to see what happens next. Great job X3
Both hens started screaming.
Well now I just want to read the next chapter even more.
I assume a grown gryphon must scream excruciatingly loud considering their burb part,
Probably more so if female.
Specially if part eagle.
And she's got two of them.
In a closed, small round room.
...gotta say its pretty karmic tho.
Zecora you fool! You just ruined their
hidden sexual tensionromance fantasy! Now your eardrums will pay the price.Aaa, why do I have to be so bad at patience? I want MOAR, what happens after the zebra drugging?!
We may never know... but we will, eventually ^v^
10958834
working on it. sundays are my writing days.
Well meaning, while mean. But the disaster lesbian birbs probably needed it
It's 2am. I nearly just woke my family up laughing at the end of this chapter.
11070287
*puts my talons together and grins *
purrrrfect
“Besides, your teats are...their nice..."
I think you meant “your teats are... they are/they’re nice...”
11630629
oops, hanks for catching that! I shall fix it!
11630660
Don’t forget about the ones Winter_Breeze pointed out as well in 10846826. Great story by the way. Hopefully we’ll get an update soon.