Wow ok All I have to say is wow, now I must read 5 normal stories to repent for how dirty I feel right now Very well written looking forward to the next chapter.
This chapter was... clunky. There are several places where you just plain used the wrong word for something, which is one of the more distracting errors that you can make.
...not only did she resiliently start feeling friendly emotions,...
The switching between the two perspectives was confusing at times: I couldn't be sure that the story was being told from Luna's point of view until the third paragraph, a confusion that I felt was justified when the story switched to Trixie's point of view a few paragraphs later. I'd put in some sort of line break to show that the focus has changed.
~~~~~~~~
Like this. Just something to let the reader know that the narrator has changed, as opposed to continuing on like nothing has happened, only to leave the reader wondering, "Why is Luna disappointed that Luna is... oh, of course, Trixie must be the narrator now. Let's go back and re-read the last two paragraphs... Yes, it seems that the switch must've happened a couple paragraphs back. I wonder how I didn't notice that?"
I also felt that this was a pretty sudden change of character. I mean, you've stated that several months have passed, during which time such feelings could of course arise, but when the readers last saw Trixie's character there wasn't much in terms of her attraction to Luna. Having it jump from almost no feelings to putting on a sexual display in between chapters is just skipping exactly what you should be writing about: how the characters are changing over time in themselves and their relationships. How did Trixie's feelings arise? Was it something that crept up through her subconcious? Did it hit her like a bolt from the blue? Has she secretly always felt this way?
It's tough to write this when it's growing so dull in my mind, but I will try harder to get this next chapter out, as it would appear to be increasing in random popularity... Why has this happened?
Marvelous.
Luna surely has some nice spying methods.
That was quick.
Nice work.
Wow ok All I have to say is wow, now I must read 5 normal stories to repent for how dirty I feel right now Very well written looking forward to the next chapter.
Edit: Hahaha First post
This chapter was... clunky. There are several places where you just plain used the wrong word for something, which is one of the more distracting errors that you can make.
...not only did she resiliently start feeling friendly emotions,...
The switching between the two perspectives was confusing at times: I couldn't be sure that the story was being told from Luna's point of view until the third paragraph, a confusion that I felt was justified when the story switched to Trixie's point of view a few paragraphs later. I'd put in some sort of line break to show that the focus has changed.
~~~~~~~~
Like this. Just something to let the reader know that the narrator has changed, as opposed to continuing on like nothing has happened, only to leave the reader wondering, "Why is Luna disappointed that Luna is... oh, of course, Trixie must be the narrator now. Let's go back and re-read the last two paragraphs... Yes, it seems that the switch must've happened a couple paragraphs back. I wonder how I didn't notice that?"
I also felt that this was a pretty sudden change of character. I mean, you've stated that several months have passed, during which time such feelings could of course arise, but when the readers last saw Trixie's character there wasn't much in terms of her attraction to Luna. Having it jump from almost no feelings to putting on a sexual display in between chapters is just skipping exactly what you should be writing about: how the characters are changing over time in themselves and their relationships. How did Trixie's feelings arise? Was it something that crept up through her subconcious? Did it hit her like a bolt from the blue? Has she secretly always felt this way?
1396264
I double that.
Dayum.
Dis gun b gud.
I'm looking forward to what happens. Now I get the mature tag, but is this going to be a Dark Apprentice-esque fix?
1396264
Agreed. Unless this is an omniscient fix (which it isn't), you'd do well to mark the swapping of the perpective with an asterisk or something.
Escape.
1397256 Thanks, it's been fixed.
Still going?
1746335 Yes.
1746434
Good, 'cause I am still looking forward to the next chapter.
you better do this faster that was a awesome story
It's tough to write this when it's growing so dull in my mind, but I will try harder to get this next chapter out, as it would appear to be increasing in random popularity... Why has this happened?
Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a virtue.
Patience better freaking pay off.
Like it.
Is this story dead?
I hope not.