As we are all aware the residents of Ponyville are rather attached to their pets. But something odd is afoot; a mysterious force has started causing mischief and it appears something has gotten into the town's smaller residents.
Chapters (2)
Traumend
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Hi everyone, I’ve decided to upload my first chapter of a fanfic that I am currently in the process of writing. After becoming a fan of the show I have adored all of the user made content created by this great community and I was hoping that I could contribute in some way, shape or form. After discovering I can’t draw to save my life I decided to fall back on something I was ok at during school. The large amount of spare time at work I have has proved to be the perfect opportunity to practice writing and it turns out I really enjoy it. This is the first story I’ve written in about 9 years and this is my first real post of anything significant to the internet so any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. I hope you all enjoy reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Can't wait for more!
This needs some improvements. A lot of polishing is an absolute necessary requirement.
Could you, by any chance, get an editor? I bet quite a few would appreciate to improve on your story, considering its... uniqueness.
I tracked this. Excited to see exactly where it will head.
(Here are some mistakes I found, its not all of them, though:)
“It’s about midday” Rainbow Dash stated,
There should be a comma after midday.
“It’s Opal, something spooked her this morning and she climbed to the top of the carousel boutique.
'Of the carousel boutique?' Really? Carousel Boutique is a proper noun, not a common one. Shop would be common, but Carousel Boutique would be proper. As a result, it should be capitalized with no 'thes.'
“Where are Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, they should be here by now.”
No-no. Get rid of that comma! Kill it! SMASH IT. DESTROY IT. PULVERIZE IT! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/yay_red.png
“Erm, we could get a” but the sudden sense of clarity was quickly interrupted by Twilight.
The punctuation at the end at Derpy's line is messed up. The comma there could be replaced with a ... , if you want.
“No, Derpy we’ve already told you there aren’t any ladders large enough. Even if we did have one, that still doesn’t fix the problem of how we would bring her down without her or anypony else getting hurt; you saw what happened with Rainbow. Any other ideas?”
Get rid of that first comma in-between 'No' and 'Derpy.' Then put a period after Derpy. Capitalize the we've. I think there may be another problem, check this, will you?
“If you do try darling, please be careful not to mess up her fur, or hurt her.”
Improptu comma usago!
A splitting headache welcomed Twilight back into the conscious world, sitting up with one hoof massaging her temple.
Seperate this into two sentences to make it proper. The headache is not the one that is sitting up massaging its temple!
“Hi Owlowiscious.” She said passing the study, listening out for his “who” she paused in the doorway before turning around to check his perch, but it was empty.
Comma after Owlowiscious. 'She' is not capitalized. After 'who,' please add a dot and capitalize that she.
After hearing a groan of consciousness she continued “Spike I need you to find the book titled “An intuitive guide to incantations, its important!”
Comma after 'continued.' Comma after 'Spike.' Comma after 'titled.' The book title is supposed to be capitalized. You forgot the other quotation mark. Underline it if you want. Also, it is it's, not its.
It wasn’t the first time she had ventured into the forest alone, but that didn’t make it any less disturbing. Motivated by the need to find her friends Fluttershy continued tentatively making her way through the maze of trees.
This sentence is confusing, because if you get rid of everything after the first comma, it seems like Twilight is the one in this scene. That is okay, but this is a new scene, therefore it should never say she, he, or it until the thing/pony/creature you are referring to is named.
“Oh gummy am I glad to see you!”
'Gummy' is capitalized. Comma after Gummy.
Also... *snirk* here are the mistakes I found in your comment above:
After becoming a fan of the show I have adored all of the user made content created by this great community and I was hoping that I could contribute in some way, shape or form.
'User made' could have a hyphen in-between it. 'In some way, shape or form' should have a comma after 'shape.'
After discovering I can’t draw to save my life I decided to fall back on something I was ok at during school.
'Ok' should either be 'Okay' or 'O.K.'
The large amount of spare time at work I have has proved to be the perfect opportunity to practice writing and it turns out I really enjoy it.
'I have' and 'at work' should switch places in the above sentence.
I suggest when making the next chapter, please run it over twice or thrice and add fat to it, and fix the mistakes. Or if you are a bit lazy/can't do it, try to get an editor to fix the mistakes and build up the fat.
CHEERS!
1090263
Oh wow this is exactly what I was looking for when I asked for constructive criticism, thank you!
As you are aware from my comment it has been quite a while since I wrote anything like this myself, so I was expecting it to have a few problems.
I did go over the story a fair few times myself before posting it, and it appears I was oblivious of the mistakes I made including the usage of commas in general.
As for getting an editor I currently know near no-one in the fic community, let alone anyone willing to read through my first fic. I sent the story off to a friend of mine before posting, but it appears he was in the same boat as me when it came down to spotting errors in the text.
I will be sure to keep an eye out for the types of errors that you have pointed out here in the next chapter (Might even go through this one and change it?).
Thank you so much for the feedback!
1092137 You are welcome! I really can't do much more now other than to give the same type of constructive criticism for the next chapter posted and/or offer to edit it. But I really really wanna see where this goes. I could do more and even ask you to replace a few sentences to make it smoother and fresher. We'll see though! e.deviantart.net/emoticons/moods/joy.gif
Terribly sorry it took so long for me to put this next chapter out; hopefully it will be worth the wait (If anyone was waiting for this). I am now working on the next chapter but considering I only really write at the weekends when I have spare time at work it might take just as much time, although I will attempt to write it a little faster. I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter and again any feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you did enjoy reading please remember to like the story, it means a lot to me seeing that people are enjoying it (and if you didn't any constructive criticism is more than welcome.)