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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hence "ascanineness."
That would explain to Dawn why the local Incarnae behave the way they do, though her other reactions to that news might be a bit more boggled.
In any case, lovely resolution to the changeling issue. Good on Dawn for opening herself up to other options. Though Chrysalis is not at all likely to reject the Hunger that birthed her. This could still get messy, especially with incomplete hive conversion.
9963238
As the Corax splat book once said in reference to the Garou: "Any society where butt sniffing is as good as a formal greeting isn't likely to be a breeding ground for rocket scientists…"
Dawn may love her friends, dearly, but she's also aware that they're also not really that good at the whole "lets think this thing through" bit.
It would probably result in her taking a soujourn to the Umbra to have a nice screaming fit, yes.
Glad you enjoyed it. Like I said, Dawn's being dragged kicking and screaming to it, but she's starting to learn how to fit into the pony world.
Since its never going to come up in story, my reconciliation between the beetle-lings and the comic origin of the changelings is as follows: the grotto that the changelings emerged from was once a faerie dreaming site that would have eventually given birth to the sparkle bugs had it been left alone long enough for a catalyst to arrive. However, the ponies inadvertently built a cemetery over the location, contaminating the dreaming with death, decay and sorrow, which allowed the Wyrm to infect the dream. When the rotten acorn fell into the now Wyrm-tainted pond, the dream finally had its catalyst. There, the dream waited until Star Swirl accidentally released it, birthing the corrupted changelings.
Also, unlike the rest of the changelings, which were contaminated by the presence of the Wyrm near the dream pool, Chrysalis was born of the Wyrm taint itself, which is why she is so different.
I'm commander sheperd, and this is my favorite story I've found in months.
Based on your author's note, you're close to ending the story. You've got a bunch of threads open, like the language bit, and the fact that your main character hasn't had all that much of a character arc.
9963647
Yea. I know. The problem I've been having of late is that I'm just not able to give it the proper love anymore with my dissertation and job-applications taking up most of my creative energy. And since I don't want to leave it in limbo, I figured wrapping things up with the initial take-down of the hive felt like the best choice. I'm not really happy about it, but, there it is.
9963859
Fair enough. Nothing's stopping you from adding a "sequel" later when you have nothing better to do.
9963877
True.
If I had but one complaint it would be just how low the stakes always were, how slow, and ponderous the pace could be at times, and just how incredibly boring all the 'fight' scenes were. But, overall it was a good one.
You should have chrysallis be different from the changelings and be unredeemable becuase celestia needs to learn that their are problems that can not be fixed by <friendship> or leaving it for later.
You need to make this more dark because most of the time in stories like these authors have the ponies change a darker heros ways. This would be fine if not for the fact that it is contradictory to their characters and end up ruining the story.
Celestia is getting to bigheaded when she does not even know her own boss.
Dawn wings should tell celestia that the only reason she had a chance for her method is becuase she roughed thorax up enough that he could not escape and destroyed chrysalis throne as well as being the only reason chrysallis did not escape to trouble them later.
I was dawn wings that saved the day not harmony.
But at least the changeling transformation was done better than the show, which sent the message that for changelings to be welcomed by ponies they had to change to be more appealing.
9963943
Those are fair critiques. Though in the case of the fights, that's a consequence of staying true to Dawn Wings' character. She's not a fighter, she's a scout. She knows how to fight, but if it comes down to it, she'd prefer to strike from a position where the enemy doesn't have a chance to fight back. This stems from being at a serious combat disadvantage back home: corax, like Dawn, are probably the weakest of all the fera in terms of fighting ability. Even the ratkin (wererats) are more capable in a scrap. So, she's learned to be very cautious when it comes to putting an enemy down.
9963955
Chrysalis's fate will be addressed in the epilogue, don't worry.
9963957
There's a difference between changing, and being pragmatic. Dawn makes it pretty clear that the only reason Chrysalis didn't "lose her head" was because she did the math, and decided that pissing off the ruler of a nation that also happens to be a high ranking muckity-muck among the servants of her patron spirit by going back on her word was a bad idea. She's not embracing harmony, she's just doing what's most beneficial for her in her current circumstances.
9963971
I'm sure Dawn would love to really mouth of to Celestia, but, again, she's a pragmatic bird. I wouldn't be beneficial for her to lambaste the alicorn, so she's going to mostly hold her tongue.
Yea, the changeling transformation really bothered me. How it happened here was mostly me following the logical progression of the events of the story given the canon in the show.
9964472
Ah, so unicorns use static sorcery, rather than reality-bending True Magick. Too bad. It'd be kinda fun to watch Twilight's reaction to the Universe bapping her with the rolled-up newspaper of Paradox. "Bad Magus! No twisting of reality for you! Now, go sit in the corner and reflect on what you did wrong."
So do we learn which changling killed the pony?
9964508
Not in story, because that changeling didn't get redeemed. They got a low-budget trepanation from Dawn Wings courtesy of a bladed feather.
9964498
Pretty much. The only True Magick wielders on Equs are Discord and Pinkie Pie. He's unaffected by Paradox because, as a Wyldling, his purpose is to generate chaos and mess with reality. And Pinkie's smart enough not to push things too far and get put in the timeout spot.
9964486
I know she isnt a fighter, but if everything always goes perfectly for her it gets boring. Sure planning, and careful execution make everything easier, but to see her effortlessly destroy every single enemy within a paragraph or two without their ever being a threat to her is just uninteresting. Once or twice is fine, but for the entire story, without fail, to the point that combat is even more boring then hearing Dawn Wings talk about stashing food? Now thats just sounds like your trying to make me stop reading your story and makes me think your writing a self insert power fantasy.
Sure it may be fairly acurate of how it would really play out but its not dramatic, its not fun to read, and it keeps the stakes so low that I found myself litterly saying out loud. "Why am I reading this if the outcome was never in any doubt?" Plus Dawn Wings never figures out how powerful, and varied magic is here, yet that never comes up. She never has to struggle against a mage who might only know T.K but whom might possibly know fireball. Her size, streangth and speed also make her one of the most dangerous 1v1 foes in this universe, nevermind the edge she gets from being willing to kill. It just seems like your vastly underestimating her, and Equestrian magic.
Another thing that coems about due to these incredibly low stakes, and easily found enemies is how predictable the story quickly becomes. After the perfect takedown of the general store I knew that this was going to be one of those stories completely devoid of conflict and surprises, at which point everything else felt routine. Like you were checking off boxes rather then trying to write something someone would want to read.
The only time the stakes were even slightly higher then the litteral ground was when Chrysalis might have died, but absolutely noone cares if she lived or died. Shes a villian who didnt have so much as a single speaking role or any character development. So there wasnt even a moment where I thought, "what if she died?" Because I truly didnt care about her one bit. If she died or lived was basicly irrelevent as there was going to be no repurcussions for Dawns actions other then maybe a presumed tongue lashing from Celestia. Sure her escape might have set up future conflict, but judging from your writing it would have wrapped itself up neatly within a chapter or two without anything bad happening, and everything staying predictable.
9964557
That is a satisfying answer, the bug deserved it.
What goes around comes around.
9964688
Those are also fair critiques, and I will keep them in mind on future projects.
9964710
Indeed.
9964735
(I'll go away after this)
The TLDR of everything I wrote is basicly a logical progression of events sounds good on paper, but is frankly boring. If your story can be summed up in like 3 sentences without missing any of the nuance, then thats bad.
Example: Dawn Wings gets shunted into Equestria, and ends up having some initially rough relations with the natives due to the cultural difference and loneliness caused by the loss of her home. She then finds and helps eliminate the changeling threat after saving Twilight, having a brief scuffle, a scouting mission, and then taking down Chrysalis non lethaly.
Your good prose, fun characters and great world building cannot carry an entire story, especially when there are no stakes, no bad guys and absolutely no struggle, or opposition at all.
If you really are going to end this story soon how are the odds of a sequel in the future? Obviously don't force yourself to do it but this might be the best fic I've read in months and I'm definitely interested in reading more.
9966465
Not sure about a sequel just yet, but I wouldn't mind re-visiting Dawn Wings again later. She may make her way into other stories in some way, shape or form, but that's TBD.