TallestPone
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I'm so sorry. I cannot judge this one right now. Seems your entry came late, but I love the idea of the story.
Edit: Correction after some clearing up, I have determined that the entry is still somewhat valid and is cleared for competing.
Judging time, Author!
Alright so....I. *Inhale* Where do I begin? Okay. So honestly I loved the introduction. It did very well getting to the point without adding unwanted characters. Though they still could have been fleshed out to seem real rather than floating words. The joke with the guard didn't bother me much but it dragged on for much longer than it should have. After we proceed to the real meat of the story. The action and climax so to speak, yes you may consider this a pun. Which was honestly the most interesting part of the story as emotions finally play out on each other. Then it just, why? That's my only critique. Just why did you go where you did with this? Was this a dire conflict or a passionate embrace? I honestly couldn't tell and was distracted by how this seemed to shatter in upon itself.
I feel as if you were getting short on time and ended up rushing through it as basic mistakes became more apparent than what the introduction offered. Not a bad read but it left me with questions upon questions and still asking more questions. It's obvious though that you can make an entertaining piece without so many restrictions in a stress-free environment. So I'd advise you to keep it up. You literally had me jelly at the first bit of your work. So you can do it but in the end, it seems like you didn't take what you created to heart.
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That was honestly allot nicer of a review than I thought I was gonna get, this isn't the first story I've written but it is the first I've ever shared online, I agree with pretty much everything you said.
The introduction was actually very fun for me to write and I took my time with it (maybe a bit too much time) and I'm very glad that it was well received. As for the bit with the guard, it was intended to be a slow-burn/buildup 'tension' thing going on which is why it was longer than it should've been, I suppose the scene was more suited as a shorter bit with more comedy in mind.
As for the actual 'meat' of the story, for the first couple of paragraphs or so I continued to take my time, but after that It was most certainly rushed, by far the fastest but sloppiest I've ever written, due to the deadline (despite having plenty of time before hand, I'm not very productive). I had a rough outline of what was supposed to transpire during the actual 'action', and with that as my guide I just went on autopilot and robotically pumped out an extra 2500 words or so.
>Then it just, why? That's my only critique. Just why did you go where you did with this? Was this a dire conflict or a passionate embrace? I honestly couldn't tell and was distracted by how this seemed to shatter in upon itself.
For the above mentioned, it was a last minute decision, well not really, I had the idea in the back of my mind since the beginning, but in the end, with little to no time left I just couldn't incorporate it very well.
Overall it was a fun story to write, even if I'm not the best at writing smut.
Thanks for the critique, and the compliments, they really help.