Chapter 1 – Absolutely no Rabbit of Logic.
" Botnik Sparkle makes a hoof "
~ An MLP fanfiction written using Botnik's Predictive Keyboard ~
This chapter is available as a "synthesized" audio book:
> [click here] - no background music
> [click here] - with ambient music loop
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Twilight Sparkle looked down at Pinkie who was currently dressed in a fruitless attempt to be a leader.
Pinkie Pie finished counting guillotine blades, the great and magical wheels of her brain visibly turning away from Twilight's body. "Why couldn't this thing come with a manual?" The mare noticeably shattered to the floor and looked slightly better. Insisting on maximum distance between her legs, she turned away from the massive inadequacy.
Twilight nodded agreement and then began galloping in front of her own birthday.
In fact, the alicorn realized that she was performing large egg ethnicity piercings, and had begun to go back to hell. She cursed her lust and the savage representative of her brain. "Curse you, teasing artificial b█tards of discomfort!"
She teleported hundreds of millions of those civil servants before her. They kept trying to seduce her, but that still wouldn't help them. They weren't even a footnote in history.
Twilight looked down at the worst baked bads on the committee. She hurried to make sure Luna had finished stuffing more tasty members of non-changelings under their glorious hooves. She squealed in revenge excitedly.
Luna merely rolled her eyes and kept walking from her throat.
The unicorn's wing balked shushing sounds and patted the princess of the moon with a hoof under her hat. "I know it is brilliant in its own unique way," Twilight said. "Next stop: rule of cool."
Luna merely rolled down the long cave, causing an alicorn foal to make a credible threat to Equestria. "Oh goddesses collide," she cursed, probably going back up the cake.
They might not have survived eating rat blades and governmental blood with their tea and cookies. But that's not what happened.
Twilight squinted at Rarity nearby. The proper dear was just standing awkwardly over Celestia's body made by Equestria's twisting shadows.
Rarity was vaguely aware that she was obviously using magic for the rest of the team, and she threw her head back and bellowed: "Well there's no matter what her tongue was! I'm a good joke!"
Celestia nodded neutrally. Rarity cringed away from the increasing light.
Twilight stopped cackling for two days, and then brandished her hooves and tails like a madmare.
"I know it was a good joke," Rarity muttered quietly.
Eventually, Twilight blinked. This was not what she had expected.
Rarity stared directly at the door with a scowl. "Luna, what is war?"
Luna shrugged. "It was rather unwieldy. Ponies hadn't even settled on their birthright and reproduction technology in golems." Tears brimmed at the door. Sadly, she shook her sister who wasn't dressed in a spiked blue flame fireworks trail.
Celestia nodded toward the princess of the moon princess's mouth.
Luna apologized and her tears fell back up again. She opened her face and looked down to the last pony to comprehend the most advanced munchie about dragons. "You remind me of your parents." She shook her mane, expression turned puzzled in dry spaghetti.
Rarity took another breath to steel herself for some reason. Love was a good joke.
"Ah've said it would be a lot of fun," Flash said. He brushed her cheek with a hoof and gazed into her throat again. Rarity skipped a large breath. Flash grinned like a tumor. "I think we'll have to worry about an unexpected grandchild."
Rarity cringed away from the slap on his back administered by Shining Armor. "You are very unsanitary, errors in the land of magic and silicon ponies!" Shining Armor appropriately broke the table. "I think I can make you squeal of joy and then slowly negotiate a surrender." The guard snarled impassively forward through the passageway in the middle of the room.
Flash grinned like a teen of the love.
Twilight stared into her teacup. "Oh Twilight Sparkle", Princess Cadence draped herself over the younger alicorn. "This nose knows where we live." She rocked side to side on her hooves.
Twilight facehoofed against the map table covered in thick spaghetti. "Why did you just party cannon me into your honeymoon?"
Rarity nervously pawed the laminate floor underneath her head. "I... I have a great desire to only deal with physical byproducts of the Princess Celestia farting."
Twilight looked askance at Rarity. She tried to wash her throat with Applejack, but felt nothing. Twilight facehoofed. "I believe you are very slowly spreading my brother with confetti." Twilight deadpanned. "Please try to be serious."
Shiny's lips curled back in an explosion of relaxed dimensions. "I was just... being slammed into the molten lava... dead... as the branches of the library..."
Twilight snickered in Shining Armor's face. "Oh refrain from exploding, you idiot," she added with a wink. "You'd never associated love with mariachi music."
Shining Armor froze in place excitedly and then began breaking into some sort of sparkly, lethal mold, which would be distributed to ponies around town libraries dumbstruck with words.
Rarity stood over Celestia's body, completely harmless.
Celestia nodded toward the last Rarity, the only being with a pinkish coat and frilly mane, sponish with a working cure for fashion.
"It's a little difficult and the Elements of Harmony tend to take a seemingly unlikely path of least resistance that is exactly opposite of the Princess Cesium-137," said Rarity carnivorously with uproarious laughter.
Celestia nodded neutrally for a moment longer, then burst out giggling. "Oh bother, I have to repopulate the species within the changeling hive! What am I going to explain this to Equestria?"
Luna's face was redder than velvet. "What are you saying, sister! You know that you're too strong to keep using Equestrian citizens as bargaining chips!" Luna shouted. "I was supposed to be you!" She visibly caught her mouth in her mouth. "It's not what I was craving for all of my days!" She wailed quietly at the teapot, as Celestia broke the silence with a boop on the nose of her face.
"Stop using this mare cube," Celestia whispered huskily at the young mares.
Rarity turned away from the increasing noise of the sun goddess.
Twilight stared directly at the teapot. "This is... quite frightful."
Rarity nodded sagely. "Well, about an hour before sundown, your parents were assembling a new legislature for adjusted alicorns. I can't quite say anything about that, but my love radiating from Canterlot caused cutie mark chameleon stomping upon the royal kitchens," said the last Rarity in the world.
There was a moment of celestial radiation, and there was somepony new:
Pinkie Pie bounced into Twilight's eyes. "Twilight, you have to stop this!" She shook quietly in place. "What happened to Shining Armor?! Twilight, you've got a horn on your hormones, err, I mean, you have to stop messing with your lavender reptile biology! No –" She shook her hooves and rushed forward. "Twilight, you forgot most of what you see here is just weird!" She plummeted to the floor – and cookies were there, but no pony.
Twilight stared at the five silent teacups quizzically. "This bagel is going to need a friend," Twilight said slowly. It was not educational that the impossible thing was randomized. However, unless science should produce more prominent sources of discomfort, she knew it was foolish. How would you joke at a moment of silence? "Didn't even have a proper bodily trauma..." Twilight Sparkle looked down at Pinkie Pie – or what's ® of her. "Sweet racket of flaws!" Twilight dropped her body. It appeared to make a small sob.
Twilight facehoofed with the hoof that was still staring directly at her flanks. She knew it was rather pathetic, however, she could not quite frankly alphabetically rename why, but she wasn't missing the other foreleg. The unicorn pony with one hoof reached forward to grab her hooves and tails. She opened her body to make them underneath her body. Then she inhaled her wings. What had become of her brain?
"Huh..."
In a flash of green light, she spotted chunks of flesh chips embedded in obsidian doors of the library.
"Twiley..." The tree sighed through sublime military language. Twilight gaped up to the Golden Oaks Library. It was not long after that she was performing a breathing exercise. She gasped. Then swallowed her eyes, Shiny's helm held under one foreleg. She tried to focus her head and various weapons on the library. "Oh goddesses collide with a working cure for cancer!" she cried in relief, excitedly attempting to blow it up.
Twilight paused thoughtfully for a brief moment. "Wait... Maybe I don't understand you, but mom is floating in the sky and her magic coalesced into a ball." She whispered quietly at the most famous dream. She tried to catch her throat again. "You have a great magic except for being full of myopic bark."
The tree of her family sank beneath the water and looked around at his fellow athletes.
Twilight smiled fondly at this world, without any hypothetical sass. There was no snark to be found in Twilight's breakfast toast.
"Oh my brother..." she added with a manual artificial sardonic smirk. "We're unclean without biological advantages of smouldering weapons." The tree flickered into life and looked cute.
"Now I don't have to worry about an unexpected grandchild," Twilight said slowly. She was half right.
There was a moment of silence.
"Oh stars no rabbit of her horn!" Rarity cringed away from behind her face – and Twilight pushed Rarity back to the rest of the cupcakes.
Rarity took it in place of her sister, Pizza. She smiled wanly. Nothing could happen to her friend Wanda.
Twilight blinked. She stared down at herself. "I believe I don't have a shadow." She pointed firmly at herself and her own body. "Oh dear." Twilight gulped. "What am I doing? What happened to the point of our universe's endless Markov chain?" she asked hesitantly, and looked around.
Cadence smiled fondly at the teapot that was burning in her mouth. But that was technically her own fault.
Luna sat by the door wanting for a nice changeling queen to be with her. However she was obviously chocolate and confusion.
Twilight stared at Luna's body, upon which everypony could be seen. She knew that was technically entirely possible – but surely, the princess of the moon was not always conveniently covered by ponies?
"Huh," she said quietly. "You have little poooonies on your eyes."
"I know it's silly," Luna apologized profusely, absorbing all unicorn resonances around a 200 pony radius.
Celestia nodded neutrally at the teapot. Luna shrugged her wings, fluffed out as she engulfed her hooves in screaming horrors.
Rarity suspiciously broke her hooves and looked around at herself. "Yes, dear... Maybe this is not what Fluttershy-person was excited for."
Twilight snickered into the world without punctuation. "She didn't even know to come to my beloved body."
At that moment the door slammed open and then began to make a credible threat to Equestria.
Queen Chrysalis struggled to get to one of the strongest spell casters in living memory. "You are all delusions! None of this stupid time would have happened, but no, you forgot to push words through the portal!" Crying, the queen unconsciously extended her body at Twilight. Twilight's wild interest in befriending a mare absolutely did not fall off. "Well," said Princess Twilight Sparkle's mouth. "It's not like you just change'em back through defenestrated alicorns."
Rarity cringed. Luna merely rolled over and laid there.
Celestia nodded neutrally. Cadence likewise vanished in a burst of plundervines.
Queen Chrysalis drummed with her new-found forehooves. "You saved my head from exploding nominally," she whispered.
"What a ripoff!" Luna spat. Chrysalis snarled new legislature that dragons had been alphabetized, and wholly began to cast amphetamines at the teapot.
Twilight slowly choked to resignation, then brought herself flush with inspiration to the hospital.
It was a perfect plan.
This story was written using the Botnik Predictive Keyboard – you may recognize Botnik as the ones responsible for “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like A Large Pile of Ash”.
It basically works like the keyboard on your smartphone, trying to guess the next word you want to type - except you can feed it a source-text. You pick a word, Botnik's algorithm gives you new words that could reasonably follow it, you pick one of those – and the insanity spirals from there... but you can sort-of steer it. Kinda. A little. 
This wasn't all written in one go. There were scenes that felt like they should be longer, or felt disconnected from the rest - so I placed the cursor back in the middle of the story and let the insanity flow anew from there in an effort to give the whole thing more structure, or sometimes shuffled paragraphs and sentences around to where they made more sense. 
I also fixed some of the grammar mistakes, but only the ones that were unfunny and simply distracting / making it harder to read.
Occasionally I ended up typing two or three words or the name of a character myself to get the ball rolling in a certain direction, only for it to gloriously explode and rocket into space! 
For example, I once tried typing “It was a beautiful day in Ponyville,” just to see what would happen next. Botnik interrupted me and offered something better. See the opening line from chapter 2. 
Oh, yeah, the obvious question: “How do I do this myself?”
Turns out you can upload your own data sets on Botnik! 
You may recognize certain phrases in this story from a variety of other works – that's, because the input data set I used was FanOfMostEverything's multi-author collaborative short-story collection of “unofficial bonus chapters” to popular stories, “Never the Final Word (Vol. 2)”, which turned out to be perfect for its diversity of actions, tones, and wide range of characters, compressing it all in less than 200 kb.
Special thanks to Botnik, FanOfMostEverything, and everyone who contributed to that collection.
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This... this certainly was a thing. A thing indeed. Is it bad I can recognise portions of my entries from NtFW2?
Botnik made a few intriguing lines that piqued my interest:
*reads this chapter* Well, Skynet's totally screwed.
I. Have. No. Words.
Cant...!
BREATH!!!!
Pinkie Pie is the only one who seems to know what’s going on.
Indeed, that's the best way to get away from an akward moment.
Botnik Sparkle is Best Bot.
9486553
Chrysalis seems to as well
Sounds meta
Somehow, it's funny.
...you know what? I think this paragraph makes the most sense out of anything else here. At least, I was able to read it as Pinkie Pie, being completely aware of the situation (as usual), coming to warn Twilight to try to get her out of the weird zone, before succumbing to it herself and turning into cookies when she hits the floor.
Typical Pinkie Pie, being the only one who makes sense in a world full of nonsense.
9486356
Got home Skynet, you're drunk.
Seems the bot doesn't like flash
Oh bother, Celestia is very neutral in this.
Freaking. Genius. Certainly much better than my own, I admit that much.
9488731
Hey, yours was good too.
"It was a perfect plan."
Couldn't have said it better, myself!
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/c/c0/Pinkie_Pie_and_Twilight_plushies_under_the_blanket.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120302233312
OwO
9555032
huh! Makes sense. 😆
Reminds me of a story-meme going around a few years ago, "Princess Celestia is in your bed", "Princess Luna is under your bed", "Queen Chrysalis is your bed".
Or something.
Seems Cadence would fall into the latter category.
like trying to read all fanfiction on this site at once
this has to be what suffering a stroke in the middle of a schizophrenic break while on mescaline feels like