As Twilight entered through Canterlot High’s double doors, she found herself in its enormous front hall. The school was nearly deserted, given that it was a Saturday, and the silence reminded Twilight of the first time she had stepped into this building, so long ago. If only she had realized back then what a toxic and damaging place it truly was. Maybe if she had, Sunset would still be alive.
Twilight shook her head. She had to stay focused. She remembered what she and Applejack had just discussed, about how anger and spite would only deepen her despair. And yet, true as it was that Twilight didn’t want to hate anyone, it still seemed an impossible task to let go of her emotions. How was she supposed to just not be upset with the people responsible for Sunset’s suicide? To deny her anger would be to deny the reality of what had happened to her friend, right?
It didn’t matter. She needed to find Sunset’s locker, and the journal that lay within. Princess Celestia deserved to know what had happened, but there was no way Twilight was going to leave Sunset alone in this world again. The journal seemed like a good compromise to her self-imposed ultimatum.
Only after stomping aimlessly through the halls for a good ten minutes did Twilight realize she had no idea where Sunset’s locker was, nor how to get in. Just as with her visit to the hospital, Twilight had neglected to plan ahead, and now she was paying the price once again.
Twilight stopped in an intersection of halls, glancing down each one to see endless rows of lockers. How was she supposed to find which one of these was Sunset’s? She let out a groan, her clenched fist striking the wall of lockers with a muffled clunk.
“Twilight?”
A voice called out behind her. She recognized it, and looked down one of the halls to see Flash Sentry looking from around a corner.
Just great, Twilight thought, her expression souring. The last thing she needed right now was awkward flirting. And yet, when she looked at Flash, there was no hint of blushing or a sheepish grin. He just stared, looking somewhat confused. Finally Flash spoke again.
“What are you doing here?” Flash asked, his tone entirely flat.
Twilight paused, unsure of how to answer. Did he know about Sunset? Probably, given how fast information seemed to spread in this world. If he didn’t, though, Twilight did not want to be the one to break the news to him. She also wondered how much of a role Flash had played in the torment that drove Sunset to take her own life. Despite having no facts one way or the other, Twilight felt a pang of disdain run through her, only to find it tempered by a sudden realization—Flash probably knew where Sunset’s locker was.
“I’m, uhm... I’m looking for Sunset’s locker,” Twilight said.
“Oh,” Flash said. “You’re looking for her journal, right?”
Twilight blinked. “Uh, y-yeah. How did you know about—?”
“It's over here,” Flash said, then he disappeared down the other hall. Twilight hurried after him.
As she rounded the corner, Twilight saw Flash standing before an open locker. The floor around him was covered in various books and binders, each neatly labeled in Sunset’s own swirly handwriting. Dozens of index cards and scraps of paper with curses and threats were scattered all over. Beside the pile of papers was Flash’s backpack, as well as a bucket of soapy water with a couple of big sponges floating at its surface. Looking up, Twilight realized that the locker door was absolutely covered in various insults and jeers. They were scribbled across its surface, and everywhere Twilight looked, she saw faded lines of ink spelling out even more cruel taunts.
Traitor.
Liar.
Back-stabber.
Freak.
Monster.
She-Demon.
“People started tagging her locker pretty soon after the first few secrets went up,” Flash said. “The school was cleaning ‘em off every day, but people kept writing more. When Sunset stopped attending, the school just gave up.” He slammed the locker door shut. “They weren’t the only ones.”
“So now you’re cleaning up her locker,” Twilight said.
“And cleaning it out,” Flash said, gesturing to the notebooks and paper scraps littering the floor. He picked up one of the sponges, squeezing the excess water out. “Someone has to. Might as well be me.”
As Flash began scrubbing the ink off the locker door, Twilight found herself in the throes of doubt and anger once more. Why hadn’t he bothered to do this before Sunset died? What good was cleaning off these horrible words going to do now? If anything, they ought to stand as a reminder, a monument to the torture these people had put Sunset through. Maybe he was doing it out of guilt. Maybe he was trying to erase what he’d done.
“Did you write some of these?” Twilight asked, her voice cold.
Flash looked at her, his face completely blank. “No,” he said, then turned back to scrubbing.
“O-oh,” Twilight stammered. “Sorry.”
“Whatever.”
Twilight berated herself. How many times was she going to stumble into blind rage and say something hurtful and stupid? Had she always been this capable of saying awful things? As she glanced at the words on the locker once more, Twilight wondered how many of the people who’d written them were feeling the same guilt as she was right now.
“So you, uhm...” Twilight spoke, the taste of lashing out still bitter on her tongue. “You know where Sunset’s journal is?”
“It’s in my bag,” Flash said. “Why?”
“I need to contact someone back in Equestria,” Twilight said. “I would go through the portal, but I just... I don’t want to leave Sunset alone here.”
Flash glanced over at her, his blue eyes hardening. “Hasn’t stopped you before.”
“Excuse me?” Twilight said. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re too smart to pretend you don’t know,” Flash said.
In an instant, Twilight found herself back in the boiling depths of rage. She slammed her fist against the locker. “You’ve got something to say to me? Say it.”
Flash gave her one more glare, then turned away. He crouched down and opened his bag, pulling Sunset’s sun-emblazoned journal from within. He stood, opened the book to a page in the middle and handed it to Twilight.
“Explain this to me,” Flash said, his tone as harsh as Twilight’s had been moments earlier.
As Twilight’s eyes scanned the page, she recognized it as the final message she had written to Sunset.
Sometimes all you can do is stay strong.
The reminders of her failure came rushing back. When Sunset had reached out for help, Twilight was caught up in her work as a princess regarding the Hearth’s Warming Eve celebrations. In response, she had sent some generic advice and assured herself, and Sunset, that everything would work out in the end.
Stay yourself.
Twilight had been convinced that the girls she had met in Sunset’s world were the same has her friends in Equestria. She had no doubt they would return to Sunset and welcome her with open arms and heartfelt apologies. Twilight had paid such little mind to the details of Sunset’s crisis that by the time of her final conversation with Sunset, she had forgotten about it entirely.
And find your family.
That’s exactly what Sunset had been trying to do when she first reached out, Twilight realized. And in response, Twilight had brushed Sunset’s concerns aside and left her to suffer. And when Sunset never wrote back, Twilight had thought nothing of it.
As she looked over the words again and again, Twilight felt even more sickened than she had when reading the insults on Sunset’s locker.
“She never wrote back after that,” Flash’s voice broke her out of her piteous stupor. He turned through the pages in Twilight’s hands. Every single one following Twilight’s message was completely blank.
“I-I...” Twilight stammered. “I should written h-her more.”
“That’s not what I...” Flash turned away. “Y’know what? You got what you came for, and I’ve got work to do.” He picked up his sponge and resumed scrubbing the locker. “See you around, Twilight.”
Twilight bit her lip, tears stinging her eyes. “I understand if you hate me,” she said.
“I don’t hate you, Twilight,” Flash said. “I just... I don’t get you.”
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked.
With a sigh, Flash plopped the sponge back into the bucket. “What I mean is, you worked so hard to turn Sunset’s life around. You put all this effort into helping her become a better person, find friends, all that stuff. But when she kills herself, you show up and start attacking anything that moves, without even acknowledging who’s really to blame for all this.”
“You mean Scootaloo and her friends?” Twilight asked. Rainbow Dash had told her who was behind the account that had wreaked so much havoc. “I’m sure I'll talk to them soon enough, but I’m not going to scream at them or anything, if that’s what you want. I’m sure they feel terrible enough as—”
“You don’t get it, do you?” Flash interrupted her.
“If I don’t get it, then explain it to me,” Twilight said.
Flash took a deep breath before turning to face her. “Who killed Sunset?” Twilight could hear the faintest of cracks in his voice.
“I don’t... What?” Twilight blinked, unsure of what to say. Wasn’t it obvious? “The students who tormented her,” she said.
Flash shook his head.
“And the girls who framed her,” Twilight said. When Flash shook his head again, she continued, frustration creeping into her voice. “And the friends who abandoned her.”
Flash shrugged and turned away. “I shouldn’t be surprised. Feels like I’m the only one who’ll really say it.”
“Say what?” Twilight felt a sense of unease permeate her as she asked.
“Seriously?” Flash spun around, suddenly shouting. “Sunset! She’s the one who decided to throw herself off a building, Twilight! Nobody forced her!”
All at once, Twilight’s head was spinning. “You can’t be serious,” she said. “She was consumed by depression! I hate that she’s gone too, but I’m not going to blame her for how she was treated!”
“I don’t blame her for how she was treated,” Flash said. “I blame her for what she did about it. There were a million other options she could have chosen from—asking the principal to do something, getting the police involved, transferring to another school...” With every word, Flash’s voice grew louder and shakier. “But instead of doing any of that, she chose to leave, just like she always does!”
“Flash...” Twilight spoke softly. She wanted to scream at him, just as he was screaming at her. And yet, in his blue eyes brimming with tears, she saw a sincere grief that she couldn’t bring herself to scold. She reached a hand forward, only for him to step back.
“And you!” Flash kept shouting. “She trusted you, she reached out to you!”
In that moment, Twilight realized something.
Flash's face was red. “Where were you, huh? Why weren’t you there for her? Why was no one there for her? Why wasn’t—!”
His cries were silenced as Twilight pulled him into an embrace.
“It’s not your fault, Flash,” she told him. When he answered with silence, she continued. “I mean it, okay? It’s not your fault. And it's not my fault either, or Sunset’s. Trying to figure out who to blame is only going to make us hurt even more.”
“I d-don’t understand,” Flash finally said. “How are you not angry...?”
“I am angry, Flash. I’m angry at myself, at Sunset, at her friends... I’m angry at everyone I see. But...” Twilight pulled away, looking up to see Flash’s tear-stained face. “I have to remind myself that people acting out of anger is what started this whole mess." She looked at the graffiti-stained locker, and Flash's gaze followed.
"Y-yeah," he said. "I guess so."
"There’s a difference between feeling anger and acting on anger," Twilight said. "Nothing is going to get better if we just repeat the same cycle of blame and hatred that took Sunset away.”
Flash said nothing, his gaze squarely on the floor. Twilight looked at him, and then at the locker, then at the bucket on the floor.
“C’mon,” she said, reaching into the bucket and grabbing one of the sponges. “There’s still a lot left to clean up.”
Twilight saw the faintest of smiles on Flash’s face. Without a word, he picked up the other sponge, and the two of them resumed cleaning Sunset’s locker.
As morning passed into afternoon, Twilight said her goodbyes to Flash. With Sunset’s journal in hand, she made her way back to the front of the school.
Now, she realized, came the hardest part. She sat on a bench in the front hall, and opened the journal to a blank page. With a click of a pen Flash had given her, Twilight’s limbs tensed, and she began to write.
Spike,
I need you to do exactly as I tell you. On the page opposite this one will be a letter to Princess Celestia. Send it to her as soon as you can, and let me know once you’ve done so.
Twilight lifted the pen and thought for a second. Were Spike to learn of Sunset’s suicide, it would leave him devastated, and one of two things would happen. Either he would come running through the portal immediately and not send the letter to Celestia, or he would wait all alone until Twilight could return, stewing in confusion and misery. Neither seemed preferable.
And Spike, before I write that letter, I need you to promise me that you won’t read it. I know how strange that is, I really do, and I wish I didn’t have to ask that of you. Just please trust me on this, okay? I promise I’ll explain everything when I come home.
With that, Twilight shut the book and sighed. Her own journal in Equestria was in her library, so with any luck Spike would notice the buzzing book soon enough. In the meantime, she decided to stay at the school. As much as she appreciated Applejack waiting for her, and as much as she had taken her words to heart, Twilight was still not in the mood for company or conversation.
Just then, she heard a familiar buzzing sound. Scrambling, Twilight flipped the journal open and read the message inside.
I understand, Twilight. As soon as you send the letter to the princess, I’ll send it off and I promise I won’t peek. Oh, and Princess Luna is still here. She asked me to tell you that if need be, she can handle the Sun for Princess Celestia, whatever that’s about.
I hope everything is okay over there. Stay safe, okay?
Twilight couldn’t help but smile. She could always count on Spike, no matter what. She quickly wrote a response.
Thank you, Spike. You’re the best friend and assistant I could ever hope for. I’ll see you soon.
And yet, as Twilight held Sunset’s journal in her hands, something clawed at her from within, and her smile faded. When Sunset had used this journal, she had probably believed that she could always count on Twilight, too. And when Sunset needed her most, Twilight had let her down.
No, she told herself. It wasn’t her fault. And she needed to stay focused. Twilight clicked the pen and began writing.
Dear Princess Celestia...
I appreciate how the beginning of the chapter, Twilight thinking about anger, foreshadows the conversation to come, and whew, what a conversation that was. Flash's willingness to be direct is definitely in contrast with the girls—and it's interesting how he's able to pull Twilight down to that emotion and have her peek further at her own. Yet her rejection of acting on it is just as important, and I think that ties back nicely to how she comforted Rainbow Dash. And I think it's important to notice that despite the fact that Flash is angry with Sunset, or the memory of her... he's also still being the one to clean out her locker and to remove the terms of abuse. It's clear there's more to his feelings than he'll directly say.
Man, what a heavy chapter.
Also, what the heck is up with Flash? No matter where I go, he's almost always just a solid dude and a solid character. Don't get me wrong, this is quite the pleasant surprise, but it's also nothing at all like the way I remember Flash being written back in the day.
This has to be some sort of weird, alternate universe timeline, and it's almost certainly Skirts's fault
Celestia is gonna be heartbroken
Thank you for Flash’s reaction having the depth it did.
I hope the school is turn apart by the guilt and sorrow they caused. I hope the school get shut down permanently, i hope the CMC are punished harshly by the school and their families and lastly i hope every student who sent in secrets are reported to their families.
This is going to be very rough next chapter. Celestia is not going to react well for lots of reasons.
I feel she and Twi are going to get very loud over just were Sunset is going to be laid to rest.
Even after a brief "sabbatical," you casually return to this fic and still you manage to knock it out of the park. Every paragraph is laced with deep insight and mature emotional analysis. And the dialogue is tight and to the point and poignant.
Fimfic 2019 has a new Queen of Sadfics. I mean that as nicely as I can say.
Now--before it's too late--nuclear cereal. Also looking forward to the next installment.
Yeah, that's... Gods, that's pretty much how I think a lot of people would react, reasonably. I can't help but feel like Flash is, in some way, supposed to be the readers- us- reacting to Sunset's death. "Who's to blame?" "Why'd she have to die?" "Could her friends have done more?" "Could I have done more?" These are all (similar) things that we ask ourselves in real life when such a tragedy happens.
That said, I want the CMC to look at Sunset's body. I want the school to see what they helped contribute to. And then Twilight just walks off, closing the portal behind her. No screaming. No threats. No violence. After all....
Sometimes the most painful lessons are taught without actually hurting somebody.
Always unfortunate to see those who blame the person who commits suicide. I have always thought that claiming suicide is selfish is an odd thought line. Life is the most basic right a person has, and it makes little sense to not include choosing to end it as part of that right.
Well, Celestia's heart is about to be shattered into a billion pieces...
9431756
The only reason SciTwi needed saving is because she siphoned all that magic from the Rainbooms. At this point it's unlikely there's any magic left to collect. The Wondercolts will probably just resign themselves to another loss at the Friendship Games.
Wow this feels real.
I'm excited to read how will Celestia react. How the school will be on Monday. How the principals will react.
And guys blaming the victim is normal. It's just people being mad that why didn't they think of anything else to do instead of killing themselves. It's a in the moment think. I have no doubt that flash will be thinking differently about it later.
“She never wrote back after that,” Flash’s voice broke her out of her piteous stupor. He turned through the pages in Twilight’s hands. Every single one following Twilight’s message was completely blank.
“I-I...” Twilight stammered. “I should written h-her more.”
“That’s not what I...” Flash turned away.
Sunset was stiil in contact with Flash or something, as he was gonna say "That's not what I -meant-", and cluing another way of contact?
Or I missed something... 🤔
Maybe you could enlighten the situation, if that's not too far in the story? Thanks.
While I didn't witnessed the release of the first chapter of both stories and said nothing since I've read them, you're doing great for me, even when not a long ago, great authors here were saying that there is too much of AaM stories.
Yours is fine, keep going and waiting every chapter is worth it. 💛❤
9431675
You never attack someone who is greiving the death of a friend. They have every right to be upset just as you would in twilights situation and twilight understood that and was mature enough to see that flash was hurting just as much as she was
Well this is going to be interesting, either Celestia is going to go into heartbreak or incandescent rage
I really like the way you handled Flash in this chapter. I get the sense that his anger is not just in the fact that Sunset killed herself, but over the fact that he never really got any closure. He and Sunset ended things on really bad terms, and never really talked about what happened. And now she and him will never have the chance to reconcile.
And this is why I volunteered with a suicide help organization for less than a month.
9444991
... Eh?
I'll probably be hated for saying this, but...
...
... Flash isn't wrong. I know people who worked in the suicide wing of a closed facility. Flash isn't wrong. No matter how shocked and outraged we may be that he said it.
9703023
Flash's is a very important perspective to understand. As you said, he's not wrong at all, and has valid reasons to feel as frustrated as he does. And, there is a valid reason to say that Sunset isn't to blame.
There are many dialectics to be found in the aftermath of losing someone to suicide. Sunset is the one who stepped off that ledge, AND she was so consumed by depression that her actions could hardly be called a decision.
9703573
Yeah. Blaming the victim is often a knee-jerk reaction, but outright rejecting any and all involvement when it's about their own actions can also be a knee-jerk reaction.
It also shatters Princess Twilight's idea of herself being above it all. Throughout what happened, she only ever talked to Sunset Shimmer. She had ample time to hop through the portal and, well, talk to one of the other girls. Or all of them. Not simply decree that they were to forgive and forget like good little subjects, treat them like people with years of built-up emotional pain of their own. She looks down on them for not being the same individuals as her own circle back in Equestria, but heck, it's not like she came over to help any of THEM when Anon-A-Miss started.
It's honestly one of her flaws: Aside from Sunset, Princess Twilight can be pretty uncaring about the folks in the human world. She never told Flash Sentry if things are over between them. If she'd ever come back. He didn't even get to say good-bye. And with Anon-A-Miss, it wasn't just Sunset hurting, but it seems Twilight just didn't care enough.
Nobody has blamed her for that any—yet—which should tell her something about the kind of folks they are.
9703768
Twilight blamed herself, actually. Several times within this story. She knows she didn't do enough, and recognizing her anger at herself is a major theme in this chapter.
9703841
I should have clarified that. Nobody else has blamed her for not communicating with anyone but Sunset Shimmer, is what I meant. Any one of the Rainbooms could've exploded in her face: If she was so sure Sunset was innocent, why not talk to any of them? Why dump Sunset on them and then be a no-show when things get ugly for all of them? She gave Sunset Shimmer platitudes, but that's more than she gave anyone else.
Mind you, I'm not sure that's completely fair. Twilight Sparkle has her own life. However, making decisions about theirs and then not following up seems a running theme. It's like what Celestia might do, but that's not necessarily a flattering comparison anymore considering what happened.
9703869
I really appreciate how much you've thought about these stories. The purpose of them is to show that there are no right answers when it comes to dealing with something like this, and it's nice to see that's coming through.
When someone takes their own life, there's no easy scapegoat. There's no obvious solution to deal with the aftermath. There's no perfect piece of wisdom that would change everything, "if only they knew." Such ideas are often spouted by a circle of detached people nodding sagely to themselves, people who don't want to understand the myriad of problems that lead to someone not wanting to live anymore.
Nothing about suicide is simple, and everything about it hurts. As Twilight said, neither she nor anyone else can objectively process "every individual facet of a reality far too terrible for her perceive in its entirety." All they can do is try to pick up whatever pieces they can, knowing they'll never have enough to rebuild what they've lost.
9704020
Your story allows the characters to be, well, characters. Not agenda-driven vehicles. So many Anon-A-Miss stories start out from a place of "F*ckin' Rainbitches betrayed my girl, Sunny! I'll make 'em suffer!" and that's it. Dozens where Twilight confronts them, puts all the blame for everything on them, they meekly accept, and that's it. Quick, easy, simple. Fast food feels, if you will.
I'm so glad I found your stories, they're what I've been looking for for years now.
Flash is one of those people who thinks Sunset is a selfish asshole for tossing herself from the bridge, got it.
Didn't expect to see Flash here, nor for him to have such an important role. It's hard to take issue with his initial response towards seeing Twilight, given what he had read in the journal. The anger, confusion, shifting the blame... all of it was tough to read, but so visceral. In a way, he's a foil to Twilight, swept up in many of the same emotions and instinctive reactions she is still fighting through.
Damn, I was not expecting that. Talk about a sucker punch amongst a flurry of jabs here.
I really want to elaborate on my thoughts on the above line, but I'm having trouble articulating everything that brings to mind. This is such a complex issue that elicits so many different emotions and coping mechanisms. More than other types of grief, I think, which is already multi-faceted. Flash is clearly looking for a scapegoat (seemingly Twilight at first, and then Sunset herself) to carry the burden of his emotions. Since this is an entirely human response, he can't exactly be blamed for it. Our initial emotional reactions are largely out of our control; it's what we do with those emotions that defines us. I think the fact that, despite everything, he went to go clean Sunset's locker says a lot about him.
A vital distinction indeed. Glad to see Twilight realizes this.
The entire first half of this chapter is really strong. I have to give you major props for including Flash, and including him well. Dude gets such a bad rap, both from being a flimsy love interest in the first movie, and because the fandom has no idea what to do with him. Good to see him caring for Sunset in his own way, despite his grief and their past.
... I have no idea how you'll handle Celestia. I look forward to this with both anticipation and dread.