II - Nothing Left to Save
The hospital room housed a small bed, barely as long as Twilight was tall. Various medical instruments and machines hung lifelessly over it, their various screens and lights completely black. A plastic mask with a thick tube protruding from it, which Twilight assumed was for breathing assistance, rested uselessly on the sheets. And at the center of it all...
Twilight found herself unable to move further into the room.
There she was. Or, Twilight assumed as much. The girl in the bed looked nothing like the Sunset Shimmer Twilight had seen during her last visit to this world. Her entire frame was scrawny and frail, betraying the signs of malnutrition. What had previously been long locks of red and gold hair were reduced to a tangled mess of matted brown and orange. What shocked Twilight the most, though, was her face.
Her eyes were lightly closed, the bags beneath them extending out like black bruises that were only accentuated by her sickly pale skin. Her mouth was slightly open, frozen in the moment of its final breath. Twilight could still see a bit of dry blood caked in the corners of her lips, which were turned down as if Sunset’s last thoughts were of anguish and fear.
They had been. Twilight had seen it.
Seeing it again was too much. Twilight choked back a sob, stumbling back against the wall beside the door. How could she have let this happen? Her mind was a cacophony of self-berating and nightmarish memories of her last conversation with Sunset.
“I was tired... I was ready,” Sunset had confessed to her.
She had accepted dying. Yearned for it, and sought it out. And Twilight had only paid attention once it was far too late to make any difference. Now Sunset was gone, leaving nothing behind but a life that was too extensively damaged for Twilight to pick up the pieces.
“Please, just... Stay here. Stay with me,” Sunset had pleaded with her. “I d-don’t want to be alone when it happens.”
Sunset had been alone for so long. Twilight had left her in the care of people she barely knew, and only returned in a single time of crisis. Tears stung her eyes as she slid down the wall.
“Y’know, when it’s...” Sunset had whimpered with tears in her eyes. “When it’s time for me to go.”
“But it wasn’t!” Twilight screamed. She clambered over to the bed, collapsing beside it as she found and held Sunset’s cold hand beneath the sheet. “It wasn’t!”
She clung to Sunset, her lungs heaving with every broken sob. Twilight had allowed her friend to slip down a road so dark that Twilight had not even noticed it. And worse, it was not like she had missed signs or purposely ignored red flags. Rather, she had not bothered to look at all. Even once Sunset had slowed and eventually stopped corresponding with her, Twilight never made the effort to see if anything was seriously wrong. She had just assumed that whatever was going on, if it was anything at all, would work itself out.
Were Sunset there, Twilight wondered if she would have told her that things did work themselves out. How had she reached such a depth of misery and self-loathing?
Twilight sunk her head into her arm as the tears continued to stain the sheets. Her fingers intertwined with Sunset’s, as if hoping that a closer connection may bring warmth back to the girl in the bed. As she held on a little tighter, she felt something—a ridge running along the back of Sunset’s hand.
“I hurt myself,” Sunset had said. It had been Twilight’s first indication that whatever was happening to her friend was more than just a friendship problem.
Without thinking, she lifted the sheet over Sunset's arm, and immediately wished she hadn’t.
Twilight liked to think she was good at math, but even she could not begin to count the number of scars that littered Sunset’s skin. They were absolutely everywhere, and ranged from impossibly small cuts that could barely be seen, to horrid gashes of scar tissue that stretched thick and purple across her limb, and everything in between.
This was her fault. Every single one of these cuts was her fault.
As she stayed there, weeping over Sunset’s lifeless form, her eyes would periodically watch for any sign of movement. Even now, some foolish thing in the back of her head was hoping against hope that she would see Sunset’s chest rise and fall, and that maybe she just had not noticed until then.
What left was there to do? Sunset had been adamant that she did not want to return to Equestria, so taking her body back against her will was out of the question. The thought of leaving Sunset in this world that had so cruelly cast her aside made Twilight’s heart ache, but this had been Sunset’s home. And for however brief a time, she had been happy here.
So what, she was just supposed to leave her here?
What did it matter? Twilight shut her eyes, wishing for just a moment of mourning free from her nagging thoughts. And yet, the procedural aspect that normally dominated Twilight’s mind could not be silenced, even in her deepest grief.
Sunset would need to have a burial. And that meant a funeral. Twilight had honestly never attended a funeral before, let alone for someone she cared about so much. Was she supposed to plan it? Pay for it? Send out invitations to—whom, exactly?
The other girls. They were still here. They were in the building, just down the hall with Redheart, and they would want to speak with Twilight the second they got a chance. What was she supposed to say to them? What was she not supposed to say? Anger and betrayal combated a grim resolve to not sink to their level, and Twilight had no idea which side would win out.
How could the other girls have so callously tossed Sunset aside? It just didn’t make any sense. Sunset had said that after her years of tormenting all of them, they simply had no trust remaining for her to earn. At the time, Twilight had responded that she didn’t believe in such ultimatums, but now that she was seeing the aftermath...
No. Sunset couldn’t have been that bad. Even if she was, she had done so much to turn her life around and right all of her wrongs. No one deserved to give up on living because they placed their life in the hands of people who could never learn to forgive, Twilight resolved. The onus was on the other girls for turning their backs on Sunset in her most desperate moment. She would not let herself fall into the trap of blaming the victim, nor would she allow the other girls to twist this tragedy into a way to gain sympathy.
Yet in the brief interaction she had shared with the girls, they had each seemed genuinely heartbroken. And the staff member who had brought Twilight here had mentioned that Sunset was surrounded by friends when she passed.
Her mind continued doing flips, trying and failing to analyze every agonizing facet of a reality far too terrible to perceive in its entirety. Were Twilight to decide the other girls were irredeemable monsters and refused to allow them any chance for remorse, she would be falling into the same fallacy that had led to the girls abandoning Sunset. Was forgiveness absolute, even in the face of driving a friend to take her own life?
It could not be that black and white, but Twilight’s eyes were too clouded by tears to see any shades of grey. She hated those girls. She hated them. She trusted them to look after Sunset, and in their blind stupidity they took her away for good.
Twilight wiped her tears away. As she did her best to steady her breathing, her hand drifted over Sunset’s arm, feeling the bumps and ridges of each nick and cut.
This was all wrong. Twilight didn’t want to hate anyone. She didn’t want to feel that seizing, burning disgust every time she thought of them. They had been her friends too, and despite everything, they were just as despondent as Twilight herself.
She ran a hand over Sunset’s head, her fingers brushing through her hair. As they slid through the brown, tangled mess, she could see occasional flashes of crimson and gold.
“I don’t know what to do, Sunset,” she said.
There was no answer.
Twilight felt another surge of tears coming, and she buried her head in her arms once more.
“I-I hope,” Twilight said, her voice trembling, “I hope that you found the peace you couldn’t find here.” She glanced at Sunset as if expecting a response. When none came, she continued.
“I know you were in a lot of pain,” she said. “I know you never wanted anyone to feel the things that made you...” She trailed off, unable to complete that statement.
“I don’t understand,” she said. “I j-just don’t understand, Sunset. You were so strong, one of the strongest people I knew. Maybe I’ll never understand...”
There was a knock on the door.
“Excuse me, Twilight?” Redheart’s voice came through. “Are you alright, dear?”
She couldn’t bring herself to answer. After a moment, the door creaked open, and she heard footsteps behind her.
“Twilight?”
“Why?” Twilight said suddenly. “Why did she do this?”
Redheart knelt beside her. “I don’t know, hon,” she said. “It’s not fair. These things never are.”
Twilight felt an arm wrap around her. Her body trembled for a brief moment, then she collapsed into the nurse’s arms.
“I should have been here!” Twilight cried. “I never should have—!”
“Shhh, it’s alright, Twilight,” Redheart said. Twilight could feel that the nurse was crying too.
“It’s not alright!” Twilight said, her voice cracking. “She’s dead! Sunset is gone and—and I wasn’t there! I wasn’t there and she killed herself and I didn’t even know there was anything wrong!”
Redheart took a moment before responding. “Sometimes,” she said, “people with serious mental trauma do their best to hide it from people they care about. I’m sure you’re a wonderful sister, Twilight. If she never told you anything, she must have loved you a whole lot.”
Twilight could not stop herself. Her cries devolved into sobs, and finally into screams of despair. She screamed in the tiny room, in the nurse’s embrace, beside the girl whom she had let down. She screamed until she could not scream anymore.
When Twilight’s voice finally died down, her mind began to settle, if just a little bit. There were things to do. Arrangements to make. But before all that, she had questions that needed answers.
“Can you please take me to where you took the others?” Twilight said, her voice dry from screaming. “I need to speak with them.”
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Poor twilight I just wanna go and give her a hug and her friends a knife to the chest.
*glances at cover art*
Heartwrenching chapter, and it's definitely fascinating to see inside Twilight's thought process here—the extent to which she blames herself, her mixed thoughts about the other girls... going to be interesting to watch that confrontation go down. The weaving of Sunset's own words throughout, coming back to haunt Twilight, is a nice touch.
That was really funky. There are a couple ways to fix this. 1) "How could the other girls..." 2) "How had the other girls so..."
I think I like #1 better.
I have my suspicions on how this is going to go, and I think it's gonna be great. Not great as in sunshine and rainbows, but great as in done well. I'm looking forward to it.
Well that's one to welcome in the new year
I wish I could hug Twilight sparkle and beat the hell out of the Hu(mane) 4 I can't bring myself to hit Fluttershy... Why do I have a feeling that Sunset Shimmer will return as an Alicorn?
9378003
I have a feeling it's not gonna be violent, either physically or verbally. Yes, Twilight is likely to tell, but I don't think this is going to be a straight up condemnation or forgiving of the Rainbooms. As Twilight said, it's not black and white like that.
9378048
I truly hope not. What they did, they do not deserve forgiveness, like in their eyes Sunset didn't. Let them taste their own medicine.
I really hoping for many anger words, and closing portal for good.
9378067
Yeah, no. That is blowing things out of proportion. All they did in the previous story was publicly disown her and yell at her in a restaurant. They are already suffering from Sunset's suicide. The only way they could suffer more at this point is if one of them committed suicide. Are you really the kind of person that would wish one of them commit suicide?
And I said that the situation is not black and white. It's not reasonable to outright condemn or forgive them in this situation.
9378081
Not only that: they left her alone. They knew they were the only "friends" of Sunset, and still they left her alone when she needed them, there was no one who trusted her, who truly belived she changed.
So, no. No forgivenes.
And yes, that comes from a guy after suicide attempt, who while he was in hospital he "had" friends, and when he left - they didn't want anything to do with him, so he was left absolutly alone.
So want my very honest opinion? Yes. Let them suffer. They deserve it, like all fake friends.
9378136
OK sheesh, you are blowing this out of proportion, and I highly doubt that the author will do that.
9378161
Maybe.
Or maybe I know that life is not forgiving. People even less. They hear you are in hospital? Oh, well, get well. You are out? Get lost, we don't care. Don't come near us, don't talk.
Remember, that if Sunset wouldn't leaving blood trail behind her because of cuts, no one from human Mane 5 would even look at her, because of what she had didn't done and was telling them more then once, that it wasn't her doing.
So yea. Tell me one more time that I'm "blowing this out of proportion". :/
9378184
I have literally never seen what you just described right there (And this is coming from someone who has been in the hospital and lot)
1. The grammer in this comment was painful to read
2. Have you ever read the original Anon-a-miss comic? This story is literally only taking the drama up a couple of notches from the original, and that's mainly because of the fact that it has been going on longer than the original where they got it cleared up before winter break. Also you seem to forget, she was cutting herself long before the whole Anon-a-miss ordeal started, and neither the rest of the human 5 or twilight noticed. The whole reason rainbow and rarity noticed this time was because sunset cut herself enough that it started to bleed through her jeans, and also when they noticed the blood rarity and rainbow were genuinely worried for her.
I will. You are blowing this out of proportion!
Considering her current state of mind, Twilight might ask for an explanation of their actions and then probably leave before saying anything she deems regrettable.
9378184
I have to agree if she didn't do this they wouldn't have cared. I hope twilight chews them out well especially ( Even if she is best pony ) Fluttershy she is supposed to be element of kindness but she went and left her friend to suffer on an obvious frame job.
9378136
You are blowing this out of proportion, AND misinterpreting my original comment. I am not advocating for forgiveness, I am advocating for not jumping to conclusions.
Shiiiitttttt. I needed a few moments to compose myself between reading parts of this. Like, I'm still tearing up and trying not to choke out sobs.....well done author, well done.
At least it’s Twilight confronting them. If it were Celestia...I’d imagine you might as well write off the hospital and everyone in it at that point.
9378344
Thanks. I hope you read the first story. It provides much needed context.
9378362
Oh I read it, and that killed my heart too😂. Ha, but really, this is a great series you have here. It's just that this chapter was so much worse (better) for me. Picturing Twilight wailing in deapair as I was reading was the final nail in the coffin and unleashed the waterworks.
This is heart wrenching. You have a real talent in letting us peek into the hearts of your characters.
I know it does not fit the story model, but I wish I could see what you could do the the other characters. You destroyed me with Sunset's dispair, you're killing me with Twilight's anguish, what would you do with Rainbow's remorse? Or the CMC's guilt?
Gods. Well, that explains why Sunset isn't being taken to Equestria. She doesn't think she deserved forgiveness there, but I'm wondering if at the end she even wanted to stay in the human world? Also, despite myself being a huge fan of dark stories I do not think Twi should resort to violence (Honestly, the number of people who are advocating such in a story where the Rainbooms and/or others did not even attack her themselves are beyond disgusting to me). Severe talking to to make them understand just how badly they screwed up? Most certainly, but NOT violence towards them.
That said, Twilight is an outsider looking in on Sunset's past. Sunset was the top bully, yeah, but the Rainbooms especially were the victims. Just because Sunset knows how bad she was does not mean she knows (exactly) just how much damage and trauma she inflicted.
Our emotions in a nutshell...
Thanks Scampy, you damn bastard.
Keep up the good work.
Only once has a fan creation been able to make me cry, but you’re getting really close to making it happen a second time. Amazing work.
She was right, if she just hates and blames them without listening to them she is sinking to exactly their level.
Sobering description of Sunset. We've been so used to her in her fwoofy spiritual gown self that we forgot how effed up her physical form is.
I wonder if this fic ends with Rainbow attempting suicide. F'naaaa. Food for thott.
I would not want to be the CMC right now; ultimately, it was their fault, and their goal of separating Sunset from their sisters (and spiritual sister) went horribly, horrendously right.
Twilight will likely not be merciful to those three damn fools.
...I also wonder how this will affect the Friendship Games and the Camp Everfree trip; Sunset's no longer around to stop any magical mayhem, and the only other person who would be able to will likely forsake the human world entirely after Sunset's funeral. In effect, the CMC's actions just robbed Canterlot High of any anti-magical support, so when Cinch forces the human Twilight to release the magic, there's going to be no-one left to prevent Midnight Sparkle from destroying the dimensional barrier. There's also no-one left to stop Gloriosa Daisy from surrounding the Camp with trees and vines to stop it from being bought out and destroyed, or to stop Wallflower from continuing to erase peoples' memories.
The CMC damned the world with their pathetic, selfish act.
9384036
Weeeelll, without Sunset to save Twilight there probably won't be a camp everfree to save in the first place.
I wonder what would have happened if the boundaries between realities really had been destroyed? I wonder if they both would have been forcefully combined into one reality. I can't really remember them saying what would happen. Would it be humans and ponies? or would the magic in Equestria be dominant forcing all of the humans into the forms of their Equestrian counterparts like a big human turned pony story? No doubt it'd be absolute chaos. Even if they survived the combing of worlds the resulting panic would see countless dead.
9431756
But without Sunset and with a distraught, broken-up main cast, the elements that made Sci-Twi's whole thing possible wouldn't even have fallen into place. Friendship games would have been a normal friendship games where they Wondercolts lose.
Been enjoying reading this (and I think I read the prequel but honestly kinda coming in blind, but I'm picking it up well enough).
You're handling the characters and emotions really well, and I'm glad there's at least an attempt (a good attempt!) to be level-headed despite the situation.
Gonna keep going and see where it leads!
This. So much this.
One thing I like about your writing is that you acknowledge how many shades of gray there often are in tough situations. How contradictory emotions can be. No easy answers. With this paragraph, I both want to argue with Twilight and agree with her. But I can't blame her for any of it, even the parts I think she's wrong about. Especially given what she has explicitly seen, heard, and felt for herself.
I had an inkling that coverart design was more than aesthetic.
Redheart is wise... unfortunately so. There's so much truth and power and tragedy in this line. It hurts. I wish it didn't.
Oh no.
I feel like I say this too much, but there's so much I want to convey with it: Damn.
9378700
Well they had plenty of chances to talk about the pain she caused but they didn't.