One bad day changed everything.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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OHHHHH SHIT! I love a sassy Sunset.
I love this
This is overall marvelous. Only thing you can improve on is protrayal of emotions as the scenes progress. See, we knew what is happening and have a decent gist of what she feels, but little specifics. I am not saying go on a crusade for emtions but simply place them here and here to liven up the feel of things.
But I am no expert. I am but another amateur who dreams of writing a 'good' story. Good meaning heavily impactful to the reader.
Then again I need to write two or three drafts before I have all the elements I need into my stories to make it complete. So what indeed do I know?
Again. You do not need to take my advice. But I do have a question, something of a riddle if you will. So I ask:
What was my mistake in this reply?
Whan is the romance coming in
9303257
Thank you for the feedback. Although I will not condemn your reply for I do take responses in order to reflect. But I will say a thing or two about the emotional aspect of the story. Yes, I do give gists about Sunset's feelings throughout the scenes but I try not to overdo it for now. It's there and it's surpressed for a reason. But that doesn't mean I will not try to improve. I still have a lot to learn.
Again, thank you for the response. I deeply appreciate it. And I hope you enjoy. 😊
9303314
I shall my friend I shall.
Alas. A riddle unanswered is none at all.
Why fill the glass when one can simply take another's?
9303383
Sometimes, dwelling on one's own cup can be unfulfilling.
9303398
Indeed, but what would one dwell on if not their own cup? For how else will it fill?
Far too many questions, but do we have the right answers?
I have too many questions. Yet no correct answers. Only more and more ad time passes. It was a pleasure. And indeed your sentiment is true.
Dwelling on one's own desire and need is self detremental in the extreme.
It was a pleasure author. To thee I bid Adeiu.
Sometimes I wish I could like a fic multiple times.
"You let him disrespect you. I would have eaten his spine."
AAAAAAAA THANK YOU x'D
+ Things are really starting to heat up, plot progression!
+/- Ended on a massive cliffhanger. I understand why some people get tilted over that, but I do it all the time so I’m hardly one to judge.
+ The way you described Sunset while she was dancing drunk in the club was euphoric!
- You have this record of making the first paragraph a massive chunk of exposition. Please don’t do that, it makes it difficult to get into the story.
+
* On a sidenote, I’ve started questioning as of this chapter whether or not Flamepuff is actually real. Sure, he told her that he healed her, but what if Flamepuff is just a figment of her imagination that continues to drive her? It’s an interesting speculation and I want to know whether or not this idea holds true in upcoming chapters.
I'll admit, I really enjoyed the imagery of Sunset's actions in the club. I love the idea of badgirl Sunset. However, that whole bit expositing about the club could have been done better. Maybe as Sunset telling Flamepuff why it's an interesting place to spend a few hours, or something else a bit more natural than narrator exposition.
Should that be so?
This is getting seriously good.
LMAO This had me weak!! The best part so far.