thecaptainacobskicorncob
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Aside the fact that you're very talented when it comes to your artstyle, which is amazing and strongly depict the theme of the story, I love that story as much and I'm happy to have witnessed the 1st chapter release, being one of your first readers ever.
I love how, as you say, childish the demon is, by it's look, how you've drawn him and it's attitude in the story overall with Sunset.
I know you've said that your art isn't necessarily canon regarding the story, but it is so accurate and explicit that it's difficiult not not see them as canon.
If you're planning to draw anything that might end up canon, it wouldn't be a priority for me, because both your story and your artstyle are separate things you excel at, and I assume it would only be to put an emphasis on an event from a chapter you've already released, or maybe to tease us, even if it could spoil us a bit, implying that whatever may come next could be strong with a lot of feels.
I'm very fond of the "Can I eat your spine?" art you've made, one of your first draws if I recall, it represents exactly who Flamepuff is.
Childish, cute but still evil ❤.
He's asking so nicely you can't say no to him -3-
Again, your art may not be canon but that quote would the only thing I'd love reading Flamepuff say anytime.
Like I'm used to always say around here : any good incomplete story is worth waiting, no matter how long any hiatus may be.
So keep going with the quality and take your time, because I'm really into your story and can't wait to see how it'll develop.
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Thank you so much. This story will be accompanied by art, so hopefully anyone could have a look on the visuals.
I hope you will enjoy until the end of this. 😊
9287498
*sends roasted flowers via flying Flamepuff*
I’m glad you renabled the comments and ratings for this story. I was going to compliment you earlier on the effort displayed on the story page alone but wasn’t able to.
9288781
I apologize for that. I didn't notice until someone pointed it out. But thank you and I hope you enjoy. 😊
besides being very good at drawing you also write very well, looking forward to the next chapter
9289605
Thank you very much. 😊
Wow. Just, wow. This was a great read. But I couldn't quite get a certain Meat Loaf song out of my head while reading the last half of this chapter.
9292287
I totally get that 😂 glad you enjoyed.
That is a beautiful interaction.
Who did the cover art for your story, and are they taking commissions?
9294536
I made the cover art myself. I am not taking any commissions right now, but someday I will.
Flamepuff reminded me of the incubators from Madonna Magica only more forceful and transparent.
I get the strangest feeling that shits gonna go down in that pizzeria. I can’t wait for flash to show up. From what I noticed of your comics they could have a really cool buddy-buddy relationship that would be useful for breaking the tension. It’s funny because I’m looking forward to that more than I am with her meeting with Twilight. Don’t get me wrong, still gaying for that encounter but still...
Flash, Sunset and Flamepuff...
You’re doing great.
Alright, I finally got around to reading this, here’s my initial critique:
The Good:
Good characterization from Sunset and I’ve already taken a liking to Flamepuff. The artwork is stellar and the premise has some great potential. Hard to say much more since it’s the first chapter but I like where it’s going so far.
The Bad:
The introduction is kind of a slog. Large chunks of needless exposition where the meat of the story only really begins when Flamepuff starts talking. A couple of syntax errors here and there, like “sheild” instead of “shield.”
Verdict:
You earned my upvote and I will continue reading. Please don’t disappoint and don’t forget to edit everything one last time before publishing each chapter.
I can't lie, when I saw the cover art on dbooru, I had to laugh cause this would have been the perfect cover for the story i'm working on.
Anyway, the first two chapters were great, and i'm really looking forward to more.
OHHHHH SHIT! I love a sassy Sunset.
I love this
This is overall marvelous. Only thing you can improve on is protrayal of emotions as the scenes progress. See, we knew what is happening and have a decent gist of what she feels, but little specifics. I am not saying go on a crusade for emtions but simply place them here and here to liven up the feel of things.
But I am no expert. I am but another amateur who dreams of writing a 'good' story. Good meaning heavily impactful to the reader.
Then again I need to write two or three drafts before I have all the elements I need into my stories to make it complete. So what indeed do I know?
Again. You do not need to take my advice. But I do have a question, something of a riddle if you will. So I ask:
What was my mistake in this reply?
Whan is the romance coming in
9303257
Thank you for the feedback. Although I will not condemn your reply for I do take responses in order to reflect. But I will say a thing or two about the emotional aspect of the story. Yes, I do give gists about Sunset's feelings throughout the scenes but I try not to overdo it for now. It's there and it's surpressed for a reason. But that doesn't mean I will not try to improve. I still have a lot to learn.
Again, thank you for the response. I deeply appreciate it. And I hope you enjoy. 😊
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I shall my friend I shall.
Alas. A riddle unanswered is none at all.
Why fill the glass when one can simply take another's?
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Sometimes, dwelling on one's own cup can be unfulfilling.
9303398
Indeed, but what would one dwell on if not their own cup? For how else will it fill?
Far too many questions, but do we have the right answers?
I have too many questions. Yet no correct answers. Only more and more ad time passes. It was a pleasure. And indeed your sentiment is true.
Dwelling on one's own desire and need is self detremental in the extreme.
It was a pleasure author. To thee I bid Adeiu.
Sometimes I wish I could like a fic multiple times.
Demon
"You let him disrespect you. I would have eaten his spine."
AAAAAAAA THANK YOU x'D
Would you believe me if I told you that I've come to love Flamepuff even more than Fav Pony Girl?
That's really something, I'm idolizing her and most art of her.
This demon character is nothing like anything I've read in other stories, and each time he's speaking or just being here is fueling the story so much.
Again, thank you to have introduced his, as I consider it, catch phrase; eating spines of people (or asking for it nicely).
It made me laugh and at the same time I was so grateful to you for this.
I don't really think it's necessary to join pictures in your story (as for example Fractured Sunlight), but people should really look into your gallery and maybe they'll appreciate/enjoy the story as I do, because they're somehow tied.
Anything you're doing is flawless to me, in terms of quality.
9313491
Fun Fact: Flamepuff never would have made it into the story. His concept was merely for comedic effects when I posted my first drawing of him. But then he recieved such positive reaction that I had to develop him as a character. And the name Flamepuff was given by Zuzusky21, which honestly is a much better alternative than Cockcrow 😂.
Anyways, thank you. And a lot more will be coming from me. Both the art and the story. And yes, they are (vaguely)tied.😉
"And with one man's misery the gates of Hades were open, demons amock and mortality bordering extinction all for the scorn of their fellow man, and the failure of their own God"
28c33ddlch32
This actually looks like something I should be reading!
I'm going to be perfectly honest, when I first read the title of this story I just....i.ytimg.com/vi/ZBVrPWwSlRM/hqdefault.jpg
sci-set! sci-SET! SCI-SET! oh and Flashy boi.
Your timing was so funny. I was just thinking about this fanfic.
So when Sunset said she could have three women in the club, she was being literall
Interesting with the Sci-Twi flashback, wonder if she will reappear in the story
9322137
She will reappear.
No mention of Equestria/Celestia/Ponies? Wondering if omitted intentionally or simply not considered? Routing for the 1st option, since the implications of the other girls abandoning Sunny is strong, there might be a history going on with all of them. Got a bit of a Disenchanted Luci/Bean vibe with Flamepuff/Sunset.
>Flash
Alright, alright. I'm liking the story so far. I can put up with Flash for now. I think.
Ah, I can always do with some criminal Sunset. No idea why, but I'm just drawn to this kind of stuff.
Either way, I got a bad feeling about Flash. He's a guard in the other world, so if he's a police officer here, something's gonna go down.
I was waiting for this story! I didnt even realize you had posted it! There are a few grammatical errors, but nothing that turns me off from the story. If you need an editor I'd be happy to help!
To every chapter that passes I am amazed by their writing ability, and with the appearance of Flash precinct that great things are about to happen.
I'm anxious about the next chapter
9323303
There are worse things to worry about. Trust me.
This story is one of the best I’ve read in a whole, it’s so moving and captivating and I’m gripped more and more with every chapter!
Also I was listening to My Friends by Bohnes whole reading and I felt it fitted Sunset well!
9325186
Thank you, my friend. And that song is going straight into the playlist. 😉
9325216
Yasss I feel honoured! I’m also very much in love with your art! Just thought I’d throw that one out there too 💖
Just got done reading the second chapter, sorry for taking so long:
+ I love the development you’ve got going with the possible cartel member, lots of directions you can take this.
- I wish you had shown Sunset actually taking the car in real time and not through a shoddy flashback. It just comes across as lazy storytelling.
+ I love that you’re continuing the theme of loss of Sunset’s friends. Hopefully this will act as the catalyst that drives Sunset further down the line!
+ Sick avatar!
+ Things are really starting to heat up, plot progression!
+/- Ended on a massive cliffhanger. I understand why some people get tilted over that, but I do it all the time so I’m hardly one to judge.
+ The way you described Sunset while she was dancing drunk in the club was euphoric!
- You have this record of making the first paragraph a massive chunk of exposition. Please don’t do that, it makes it difficult to get into the story.
+
* On a sidenote, I’ve started questioning as of this chapter whether or not Flamepuff is actually real. Sure, he told her that he healed her, but what if Flamepuff is just a figment of her imagination that continues to drive her? It’s an interesting speculation and I want to know whether or not this idea holds true in upcoming chapters.
At first, I found it weird that Flamepuff was willing to let Sunset spare Zoomer, but then I realized why:
He needs to live so that he can tell the rest of them what she's capable of. He needs to be able to send a message, and that's more devious than actually killing him.
There's no sex tag so I doubt will ever see Sunset act like some kind of succubus, what a shame.
Does that mean she can die up to seven times? Does the first car crash count?
9329088
Your questions will be answered soon.
Also, your comments are actually the ones I look forward to reading the most. They really help, my friend and I thank you. 😉
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+ / - The cliffhanger at the end was predictable, but only because he’s mentioned within the flashback, so I’ll chalk it up as deliberate. I feel like leaving out his name earlier would have strengthened the impact of seeing him.
+ I’m not a fan of flashbacks, and I made that clear in an earlier chapter, but this one really blew it out of the water! The stark contrast between the genuine romance and the grim new reality made me feel bad for Sunset (moreso than I already did, that is).
-
I mean this with much love: please stop using redundant narration. I’ve watched Equestria Girls, I know who these two are. Exposition is like fat on a steak, it adds flavor but it needs to be trimmed down to a certain amount, lest it saturates the meat and spoils the flavor. Never tell the audience something they already know or could easily figure out on their own, it makes me feel like you’re holding my hand.
Other than that pet peeve of mine, it was an enjoyable chapter.