Rainbow Dash struggled, fiercely trying to bat the creature away, but where her movements were sluggish and clumsy underwater the creature’s were lithe and nimble. What’s more, it had help.
Even as one of them pulled her down by her tail, another shoved her down into the depths. More soon joined in, pulling on her limbs and forcing her downwards. It was hard to see through the muddy water, but from what Rainbow could tell the others were in the same situation.
Frustrated, Rainbow tried to either let out a scream or bite at one of her attackers, only to be rewarded for her trouble with a long semi-prehensile tail being wrapped around her muzzle. She reflexively tried to open her mouth, desperate to fill her lungs, only to find that the tail around her muzzle had constricted further. Rainbow looked up at the surface, obscured by the muddy water. It might as well have been a mile away.
Her hooves hit the riverbed. Rainbow’s vision swam from lack of air. She looked up to see a whole swarm—or school she supposed—of the creatures circling around her and her friends. They were swimming faster and faster.
She blacked out.
Rainbow came to, laying on the cold, muddy ground. She reflexively opened her mouth to take a deep breath and immediately began spewing up the water in her lungs. It wasn’t until a few seconds later that her brain had booted up enough to realize that she wasn't still in the water.
“What the hay?!” Dash exclaimed weakly once she'd gotten enough water out to talk. She wrinkled her nose. It smelled fishy and moldy and cold, but it was still air. She shivered, shaking the water out of her coat. Looking around, she saw a giant bubble shimmering around her. Outside she saw the creatures curiously swimming around it. Experimentally, she gently pushed her hoof at the edge. It wobbled but held firm.
A groan drew her attention to her friends as they stirred themselves. Rainbow darted over. “Everypo—everyone okay?”
The mystic zebra spat out a mouthful of water. “My sincerest thanks for your concern, though no injuries can I discern.” Her mohawk drooped slightly but somehow managed to more-or-less maintain its shape.
Rarity shuddered, cold and wet and appalled at her state. “My hair!” she moaned, tugging Applejack’s borrowed hat over her face. “Don’t look at me!”
“Oh for the love of…” Applejack shook herself dry, showering the others with droplets of water. “She’s fine.”
Rainbow might’ve guessed the two of them would be alright, so long as they had the other to distract them from whatever was going on around them. Pinkie Pie was resilient enough in her own strange way, poking away at the bubble. Rainbow spotted Twilight looking concerned at this development, but at least it was preventing her from thinking too much about her most recent ordeal.
Dash looked over to Fluttershy just in time to see her daintily sneeze. Her long mane was drenched and weighing her down so she looked even smaller than usual. “It’s so cold down here.” Fluttershy looked out at the river, held back just beyond their bubble of air. “I could spend time with so many animals if I could stay here!”
“Some other time.” Rainbow Dash shrugged her wings, shaking the water out of her feathers. “Preferably never. Okay, enough sightseeing. We need to figure out a way out of here!”
“It would be easier if we knew exactly what happened,” Twilight offered.
“We know what happened: we’re at the bottom of the river. Now we’re trying to figure out how to make it un-happen.”
Twilight scrunched up her nose at the poor grammar.
“Easier said than done, sugarcube.” Applejack looked up, trying to see the surface. “I don’t think we’re gonna just swim past all them fishy things.”
Fluttershy raised her hoof. “Um, excuse me…”
Rainbow looked to Twilight, barely even noticing Fluttershy. “Twilight, how about you poofing us to the surface?”
“‘Poofing’?” she repeated incredulously. Every time Rainbow tried to describe complex magic, a spellcaster died of embarrassment. “That’s what you’re calling it now?”
“Um … I’m sorry but…” Fluttershy tried again.
“Can you do it or not?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried teleporting this many ponies through that much water. I don’t know how that could affect the—
“Wait!” Fluttershy snapped. While it was slightly louder than her normal voice, it still managed to draw the attention of everypony and zebra present. “Oh! Sorry! But um, the—um, they’re watching us.” She said in a hushed tone. “I—I think they’re waiting for something.”
Rainbow snorted. “Oh they are, huh?” She marched up to the barrier and looked out at the ogling creatures. Not struggling for life and breath made it easier for her to take a good look at them. What she was able to make out through the murky water was pretty different from anything she had seen. They had a pony's head, sure, but they had gills on the side of the sides of their necks that would close tight, then slit outwards before closing again in a steady rhythm. Their eyes were slightly bulging and when they opened their mouths, Rainbow saw rows of tiny, sharp teeth. Their tails expanded out into flippers while fins flapped steadily to keep them moving. What's more, she spotted what could only be a cutie mark on its side.
That's when she recognized what they were, her eyes widening in shock. "No way! These are seaponies?!" Like a few other lesser known pony types, seaponies had kept to themselves so much that they had largely passed out of living memory—unless, of course, your life happened to be thousands of years long. Being aquatic, terrestrial ponies seldom encountered them and were considered little more than myth and rumor, not unlike the Twinkle-Eyes.
Apparently they had more bite to them than that. “What do you want?” Dash demanded.
The pony head pushed forward until it breached the barrier between river and air. Rainbow jerked back, half expecting the river to pour in through the bubble. Instead, the seapony looked at her with blinking, bulgy eyes. “I … Wave—dan—cer.” It gurgled and slurred in a somewhat feminine voice. Then it quickly darted its head back into the river, only to re-emerge a second later.
“Did you do this?” Twilight stepped forward, indicating the air bubble with her horn. “Did you make it so we could breathe down here?”
“Yesss,” burbled Wavedancer. “Shore ponies have crimes to answerrr for.”
“Crimes?” Rainbow protested indignantly. “You’re accusing us of crimes after you attacked us? What’re you even talking about?”
The seapony retreated back into the water and began to confer with one of its fellows. From behind the bubble they heard a rushing flow of burbling sounds. Wavedancer poked her head back into the bubble, hissing angrily. “You ... polluted the river." Her fins flapped in agitation as she darted back out and in again, the muddy water swirling around her. “Seaponies migrate each year. Shoreponies block rivers … dam sssstreams … make it harder to reach spawning grounds—other seas—other sea ponies!” She retreated back into the water again. “Now ri-iver choked ... can barely see—hard to bre-eathe ... Somepony must pay!"
Well, horseapples.
Rainbow Dash barely suppressed the urge to wince. That would've been as good as an admission of guilt and she didn't think the seaponies were feeling merciful at the moment. She could see them swirling around the air pocket, angry leering faces peeking through the muddy water and snarling at them.
Wavedancer ducked back briefly into the water before reemerging. “Seapony law ... says innocents not punissshed … but know at least one of … you downed trees. We ask you once ... tell us who did it. Guilty stay. Rest go freeee." Her gills flared as she looked from pony to pony. “Until we get … answer, nopony go. All stay.”
Rainbow Dash fumed even as she wracked her brain. What to do? She felt her wings twitch in impatience. Being trapped down below, with no sky overhead, wasn't helping her mood. She begrudged every second she was standing still instead of moving to stop Nightmare Moon. Sure she felt bad for what they had done to the seaponies, even if it was an accident. But staying down here wouldn’t fix that and it’d still leave Nightmare Moon free to cause far worse trouble.
Rainbow wasted a moment wishing Celestia was here, sure that she could convince the seaponies to fly if she had to. She squashed the twinge of self-pity accompanying that thought and took a breath. She was a little calmer, but no closer to an answer. She had to be out there to defeat Nightmare Moon, but she wasn't about to leave any of her companions down here either.
As much as she hated it, part of Rainbow’s mind went back to some of the lessons Celestia had taught about leadership and ethics—in particular the ones where leaders had to leave behind or sacrifice somepony in order to carry out their goal if there wasn’t any other way. Rainbow Dash knew in her gut that Nightmare Moon wouldn’t be stopped without her. Taking the blame and saving the others wouldn’t accomplish anything if Nightmare Moon stayed in power anyway. And they weren’t going to do anything at all if they all stayed down here. The logical thing to do would be to let somepony stay behind and come back for her later. However different or angry they were, seaponies were still ponies. If they had wanted to actually harm them, they could've simply drowned them all back there. After they defeated Nightmare Moon, they could make some kind of arrangement or simply force the seaponies to surrender her.
However, Rainbow and logic had a complicated, messy relationship, the kind where they wanted to be together but also see other ponies. No matter how correct it sounded in her head, Rainbow couldn’t accept that throwing anypony under the cart and leaving them behind was right. Because it wasn’t right. At all.
Except …
She frowned.
What mattered more? That annoying, rational part of her mind whispered. One pony or all of Equestria? The answer seemed obvious. Obvious, and wrong. She closed her eyes and rubbed her head. No matter how much she thought it over, no matter how much conflicting ideas crashed against each other—she couldn’t do it. Rainbow couldn’t stay down here herself or abandon anypony.
So what did that leave?
Applejack trotted up to Rainbow and Wavedancer, looking apologetic. Rainbow realized what Applejack was about to do—and quickly shoved her hoof over Applejack’s muzzle. “Group huddle, now!”
She dragged Applejack back to the others, casting a quick look to make sure Wavedancer couldn’t overhear them. “Look, I have a plan,” she murmured, ignoring the look Applejack was giving her. “I’m going to tell them I did it, just me.”
“You what?” Applejack said far too loudly for her liking. “That ain’t what—whatever happened to ‘I gotta be the one to stop Nightmare Moon?’ You ain’t stoppin’ squat if you’re sitting down here!”
“I know that! Listen, I’m not going to actually stay down here. Once you guys are safely on the surface, I’ll start flying. I figure a couple of laps down here will give me enough momentum to cut through the water and escape before they can stop me. I’ll meet up with you guys later.”
Twilight frowned. “You’re assuming an awful lot here.”
“Maybe,” Rainbow conceded. “But they could’ve easily drowned us all back there and not bother with any of this. So I don’t think we have to worry about them doing anything,” she gestured vaguely “drastic, you know? Don’t worry, once you get clear, I’ll make my totally amazing escape. Unless these guys want to try flopping about on the ground, they’re not about to give chase once we get clear of the river.”
“I suppose that might work…” Rarity allowed.
“Maybe we can come back later and work things out?” Fluttershy suggested.
Rainbow nodded. “Right, exactly. But first thing’s first, right?”
The others nodded, but she saw Applejack still looking unhappy. Before she could even ask what was up with her, Wavedancer poked her head back into the bubble and interrupted her. "Time up! Who is guilty?!"
“Go time.” Rainbow turned away from the group and flew over to Wavedancer. “You promise you’ll let the others go and only keep one of us down here?”
Wavedancer bobbed in the water, which she supposed was their version of a nod. “Prrrromise. Seapony law.”
“Alright then,” Rainbow sighed. “Let’s get this over with. I was the one who—”
“She’s lying!” Applejack galloped over. “It was me. I did it. I knocked over your trees and I’m powerful sorry. Let my friends go.”
“Applejack, shut up!” Rainbow hissed.
The seapony tilted her head in confusion before ducking back into the water to burble and cackle at the other seaponies. She reemerged a moment later in front of Applejack, floating at eye level with her. “You … knocked over the trees, flooded rrriver with muck?”
“Yes ma’am.” Applejack nodded. "I didn't know there were ponies living in these parts. If I knew, I would never have done it."
Rainbow Dash grumbled, but since things were already about as bad as they could be, she decided to own up to her part in the whole mess. "She's not the only one who downed those trees. Heck, I knocked down way more than she did!"
Now it was Applejack's turn to glare at her. "First of all, last I checked you took down maybe one more than me. At best.” Rainbow opened her mouth to protest, but Applejack talked over her. “Secondly, it was my idea in the first place. You wouldn't have thought of it if we had stayed there all day. That makes me responsible, so simmer down or I'll make you button your lip."
“Why confess? Why not blame each other?” Wavedancer warily asked, indicating Rainbow.
Applejack straightened herself and looked her right in the bulbous eye. “I was raised not to tell fibs or to let some other pony take the blame for my mistakes. If it means you’ll let my friends go, then do what you want with me. I did it and I'm responsible for it.”
Wavedancer looked from Applejack to Rainbow Dash and back again. After ducking back into the water again, she stared at the orange earth pony. “Unexpected.”
“I’ll say.” Rainbow looked at Applejack, stunned. “I—I don’t get it. We had a plan...”
“Rainbow, we messed up. I messed up. It ain’t right to try to trick our way out of it and run away from taking responsibility. Even if we came back later, after Nightmare Moon was gone, it’d still be wrong.”
“You won’t be able to go back to your family.”
“I know.”
The pain in Applejack’s voice made Rainbow’s heart ache. “Then—then why say anything? Why not say it was me? For pony’s sake, weren't you mad at me before?”
“I am—or was, anyway.” Applejack rubbed her eyes. “Look, I wasn’t even mad so much as I was scared for my family. I’d do anything for ‘em, to be there for them … but if I lied and let you take the blame for it, well, then I wouldn’t be me. So even if I was with them, it wouldn’t be me who was there. Or something, shuddup, I’m tired.” She shook her head. “I know it don’t make much sense. But a pony who’d run out on her friends to save her own tail—that wouldn’t be the kind of pony my family deserved. I don’t even know what good I could do them if I was like that.”
Rainbow Dash didn’t know what to even say. Applejack wrestled with something for a minute, then took a deep breath. “If I’m being honest with myself, maybe I wanted to be mad at you, but for all the wrong reasons.” Seeing Rainbow’s confused expression, she explained. “Before you showed up, I was the pony everypony turned to when they needed something dangerous done. If a little filly wandered off and got lost, I was the one who brought her back. If Timber Wolves came down from the Everfree, I was the one who herded ‘em back, in pieces if need be. Need a pet rescued that got lost out in a storm? That’s what I’m here for. Anytime there was a contest or competition, I was there: the face of Ponyville.” She let out a small sigh. “Then you come flying into town with your rainbows and your fancy aerial whatsis and within a week, all the foals in town have started up a Rainbow Dash Fan Club. Shewt, Apple Bloom's having it meet up in my old treehouse on my own farm.” She clucked her tongue. “Can’t pretend that didn’t sting a bit.”
“Oh.” Rainbow lowered her ears. “Um, sorry?”
Applejack waved her off. “Don’t you be apologizing for my stinkin’ thinkin’, sugarcube. I had never wanted a fan club; more to the point, I never needed one. Still don’t. But I let it bother me more than I should’ve. I didn’t do all those things for the attention, but I can’t pretend I didn’t appreciate, well, being appreciated. Now here you are, the Queen’s student, here to save the day from Nightmare Moon. Bit of a bigger deal than some old Timber Wolf, amiright?”
Rainbow didn’t deny it. “Well, yeah, but that sounds like more of a reason for why you could’ve just kept your mouth shut or let me take the blame. You could’ve been the one out there, saving the day, being the hero for your sister...”
Applejack snorted. “Are you still not getting it? However much my pride might sting at seeing you be the one the whole town admires now, I ain’t so petty or small-minded that I’m gonna go around thinking of ways to bring you down just ‘cuz I’m feeling put-out. Shewt, I wouldn’t do that on any normal day of the week, and I sure as sugar ain’t gonna do it when the whole world is at stake. You’re the Queen’s student, you’re the one whose friends got snatched, you’re the one who found Zecora and found out about the Elements. If anypony’s got to see this through to the end, it’s you.” She rolled her neck. “Now don’t go letting that get to that big ol’ head of yours, I still don’t think you can do it all on your lonesome, great destiny or no. But if there’s a choice between me or you, and it’s over something that was my fault to begin with … then I’ll suck it up and take the hit.” She stomped her hoof. “It’s the only way I can be honest to myself, and be the kind of pony I want Apple Bloom to be proud of.”
Rainbow Dash bit her lip.
Wavedancer was silent for a long time as well. “Tell us why you need cross river,” she said in as soft a tone as her burbling could convey.
Applejack flicked her tail. “What Rainbow Dash said about us not wanting to dam the river was true. We only wanted to cross the river to get to the old palace so we could stop an evil pony from making it night forever. You must’ve noticed that the sun should be up by now.”
Wavedancer hesitated. “This true.” Her flippers shook in agitation. “Tides all wrong. Moon not sssupposed to be like this.” She bit her lip. “This happen once before. Many thou-sand of tide changes ago. Caused seaponies to flee from shore, move deeperrr into oceans.”
“That was Nightmare Moon.” Applejack stepped forward. “She was keeping the moon in the sky then just like she’s doing now. We needed to cross your river to stop her. Now, I'm not looking to escape punishment for what I did, but if you let us go then I promise, I'll come back once we’re done. I’ll plant whole new trees along the river, and get my kin to help clear the muck out of it."
The seapony tilted her head, considering this. “What you swear by?” Wavedancer asked.
Applejack straightened up. "By my heart, hoof and bone, by family, hearth and home. By all the apple trees I’ve and my kin have planted for generations out of mind—we will make everything right, and I do mean everything.” She offered a wane smile. "Even let you lock me up permanently afterwards, if'n that's what you want.”
“AJ!” Rainbow Dash tugged on her tail with her teeth. “Shuddup!”
“Let go Rainbow!” She flicked her tail free and gently whacked her muzzle with it. “This is the way it has t’be.”
Rainbow Dash leaped and tackled Applejack to the muddy ground beneath them. “No chance! I’m not going to let you throw your life away!”
Applejack struggled, pulling Rainbow into the mud with her. The two wrestled until they were interrupted by a font of water, spraying the two and forcing them apart. Rainbow coughed and spat, before looking up to see Wavedancer with a dribble of water leaking from her lip.
“Enough!” she barked. “Seaponies decided!”
Rainbow felt her guts churn in tense anticipation.
Wavedancer studied their expressions before elaborating. “Land pony promise to return?” Applejack nodded. Wavedancer gave a burbly sigh. “Seaponies not want hurt land cousins. Wanted ... peace after moonquake. But land ponies forget us. Maybe time to not be forgotten. So we let you … go. All go. Then after trees planted, you go home.” The seaponies in the river clapped their flippers and dove in circles, expressing their approval.
Pinkie cheered. “Hooray! Thank you! You’re the best seaponies ever!” She reached out and managed to hug Wavedancer through the bubble. The confused seapony struggled until she relented, patting Pinkie’s back with her flippers.
“Shoreponies much ssstrange … but good,” she announced. “You stand together … like real school of seaponies. Come, each shorepony. Grab seapony. We take you to surface. Get ride down riverrr.”
Rainbow Dash hesitated, not completely ready to accept the good word of a group that had been threatening them less than five minutes ago. But seeing the rest of her companions head over to the edge of the air bubble, she realized there really weren’t any other options. She was reminded of something she’d learned at flight camp: Whether you’re flying or falling, you don’t abandon your wingpony.
As they approached the edge, seven seaponies swam close to them. They turned, presenting their backs to the group, their intention plain. Rainbow slowly reached her hooves through the bubble and gently wrapped them around the slender neck of the seapony before her. She wrinkled her nose, trying to ignore the fishy smell and the unusual touch of wet scales. Once the rest had done the same, they were off.
Rainbow took a deep breath before being pulled through the air pocket and back into the chilly river. She felt her ride shoot up towards the surface as the air bubble collapsed behind them, the air bubbling upwards and helping push them to the surface.
They group breached the water, taking huge gasping breaths as they clung to their seapony companions who guided them to shore.
Ah, and now Honesty. And yay, seaponies! I love those folks. :D
I really like these trials. So much more interesting than the original pilot. Once everything is over, it'd be nice to see AJ come back, fulfill her promise, and maybe actually befriend the seaponies.
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Thanks. I tried to up the ante a bit, especially since some of the trials in the premiere were a touch, well, underwhelming. AJ's in particular.
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Tell me about it!
“Just trust me” is not any kind of friendship lesson, and has nothing to do with honesty. Telling the truth doesn’t mean anything unless it’s been established that your word is worth something. At that point, the only things established about Applejack were:
Those aren’t honesty credentials; it’s a shopping list for a family reunion.
(I guess the skrull one kind of counts for honesty, but only kind of)
Nice job with the Honesty trial.
9777210
And that's more or less exactly all we know of AJ now, too.
It's nice to see real Seaponies again.
All-Pony Unification Era when?
No. I refuse. I've seen you with a wet mane, you look amazing.
Minor editing note, it's kind of redundant to note this when just one chapter previously you had us meet a twinkle-eye pony.
Pinkie: "We can even sing! Shoo be doo, shoo shoo be do - "
Wavedancer: "That is not how you sing Shoobedoo Shooshoobedoo! This is how you sing Shoobedoo Shooshoobedoo!"
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I was half-tempted to include a bit about how the sound made when the seaponies darted in and out of the air pocket was a "shloop, boop" noise or the like, but ultimately opted not to.
Also, talk about being a -very- different story if the seaponies sang something like that....
Several places here where a necessary comma’s been overlooked. I've tried to mark them in red.
I’ve written a fairly long comment here, and once again, it all depends on the tone you’re going for.
If the goal is to keep the tone light, low-stakes, more Saturday morning cartoony… Then you can disregard the rest of this comment. Although I will point out, the cartoon has a way of relieving tension in moments of apparent danger like this, e.g. by having Pinkie Pie laugh, Fluttershy cover her eyes (even though she can fly), and Rarity take a break from screaming to preen in front of a falling mirror. If you’re shooting for something like this, then it might be a good idea to put less emphasis on the mortal peril they’re in and diffuse the tension.
If you’re shooting for a mature, serious tone, then the rest of this comment applies.
This is the second near-death experience Rainbow’s had in the last few chapters, and this one even more harrowing than the last. I can’t think of any more terrifying way to die than being pulled under the water by an unknown assailant and drowning to death.
Yet, as in the swamp, I come away feeling like the narrative account of Rainbow’s drowning is a bit perfunctory. Sentences like “Fear began to creep into her mind” are rather on the weak side, more descriptive than emotive. As a reader, I’d really like to be transported into Rainbow’s head. To be able to feel her terror and experience this horrifying thing that’s happening to her.
Just going to spitball some ideas here. The coldness of the river piercing her. Her body screaming for air. Opening her mouth to scream, only for a few meager bubbles to come out—and then the water pours down her lungs like cold fire, burning her from the inside out. The terrifying realization that she’s about to die, that she’ll never see Shining Armor or Celestia or her mom and dad ever again. Then the darkness begins to ebb at her vision, carrying her away into nothingness. Everything begins to slip away: her mission, her will to survive, her sense of self. Everything but her own beating, palpitating fear. Then that slips away too, and the light goes out.
This could be very powerful, but instead, the story keeps its usual distance from Rainbow. And it’s all over very quickly, in the span of just one paragraph. As a result, I’m left with the sense that this scene doesn’t really matter all that much, and it’s nothing more than the connecting sinew between two more important scenes. It feels like the logic is this: Rainbow and her friends start out on the surface of the river; then they have to get to the riverbed somehow; therefore, there has to be a short scene where they’re dragged underwater.
But that’s a bit paint-by-numbers. And it’s also jarring to me, because it’s a brush with death, and every brush with death leaves a traumatic mark on a person. I can vividly remember every single time in my life I almost died. Times I almost choked to death. Times I almost got into a car accident. Times I was in Afghanistan and I was almost killed. It leaves a mark on a person, and it’s happened to Rainbow twice in the last two hours. So it feels a bit weird that it’s glossed over here.
It also feels like a missed opportunity to ratchet up the drama and the stakes. Just like in the swamp scene, there’s meat on the bone here, but the story doesn’t savor it because it’s in too much of a hurry to get where it’s going. In my opinion, Rarity showing off how generous she is, Applejack showing off how honest she is—that's the boring stuff, the expected stuff. It's the character moments that happen along the way that are really interesting and enjoyable, and I wish we could stop to smell those roses more often.
Also, this is a quibble, but I take issue with the following sentence: “She was almost grateful for the water, because she had no way of knowing whether the liquid on her cheeks was river water or her own tears.” I get what it’s going for, and it’s very poetic. But I don’t think anyone who’s scared and on the verge of drowning to death is ever grateful for the water. That just doesn’t ring true to life for me.
Is she leading them, though? Right now, she seems more like a follower. If anyone is leading the party, it’s Zecora: she’s the one who’s guided them here and told them they need to cross this river. Applejack is the one who came up with the plan to float across on a tree. Rainbow has contributed to a few group discussions, but I don’t think I’ve seen her do anything that would indicate genuine leadership. She was the one who tried to convince the others to stay behind. It makes sense for her to be angry at herself over not being able to help them, but to this point, her role in the story has been very passive.
I’m not sold on this noble samurai trope, where Rainbow doesn’t have a shred of fear for her own life and is just super bummed out about failing the mission. But I won’t belabor it.
Em dashes might be more effective here. Consider a scene break here to indicate the passage of time.
This seems a bit strange. Fluttershy makes it sound like there’s an under-the-sea paradise of exotic fauna outside the confines of the bubble, but so far, the only thing that’s been described is a swarm of dark, indistinct fish monsters circling them in the black, muddy water.
I understand the effort to keep consistency with Rainbow’s canon portrayal, but highlighting the negative reactions the others have to her every time she cuts them down does cost her likability points.
This is the first time Rainbow’s attackers are mentioned as being fish ponies. Up until now, they’ve been described in vague terms as “creatures.” Suggest not having Applejack refer to them as ponies until after Rainbow Dash has identified them as such in a later paragraph.
Sharp teeth indicate these creatures are carnivores. I would be worried.
This is a bit of an exposition dump. I’m on the fence whether it would be better to reveal this through dialogue or keep it as written. The former might serve to highlight Rainbow’s enhanced education courtesy of her palace upbringing, but there’s also something to be said for brevity.
Wave Dancer tells Rainbow Dash her name, and Rainbow doesn’t answer in kind. There isn’t a token effort at diplomacy. This is consistent with her canon portrayal, but once again, it seems at odds with the kinds of values Celestia would have instilled in her as her student.
It’s clear enough that this is going to be Applejack’s trial—let’s call it the trial of honesty. A problem I have is that in almost all of these trials, Rainbow is written as a negative foil to one of the other characters in order to draw attention to that character’s core attribute.
Pinkie Pie is full of laughter. Therefore, Rainbow is vituperative, dour, no-nonsense.
Rarity is generous. Therefore, Rainbow is ungenerous. When Rarity loses her grandmother’s necklace, Rainbow is indifferent and unsympathetic.
Applejack is honest. Therefore, Rainbow is dishonest. When the seaponies confront the party, Rainbow lies where Applejack would tell the truth.
This is effective in emphasizing the positive traits of the other characters, but I’m not sure it’s necessary, and it does have the unintended effect of giving the reader further reasons to dislike Rainbow Dash. In chapter after chapter, Rainbow’s faults are being emphasized, with very little to counter-balance them.
Rainbow’s positive traits are not spotlighted. For example, one might imagine a scene where another character is struggling, and Rainbow gives them a positive pep talk, filling them with the drive and determination to go on, a la Hurricane Fluttershy. This would be consistent with her canon depiction, and it would give the reader a reason to be fond of Rainbow. There’s also a lot left unsaid between Rainbow and Twilight, and one can easily imagine a scene of them sharing their memories about Shining Armor, helping shoulder each other’s burdens. This would develop the relationship between these characters and make Rainbow more sympathetic.
However, to this point in the story, these and other possible avenues have not been explored. In every trial, Rainbow’s worst qualities are on display. In my opinion, this disserves her character by making her directly unlikable, and it further disserves her character because every action she takes has a negative impact on the party’s safety and their prospects of successfully completing the mission. Attacking the Diamond Dogs works against the party’s interests. So does lying to the sea ponies. This makes it hard to root for Rainbow. It’s a double whammy where she's not only generally unpleasant, she's also actively undermining the group.
This is very true to Rainbow Dash. Props for thinking about this situation thoroughly and making the connection to her love of freedom and her connection to the sky. My head didn’t immediately go there, but you’re absolutely right. Being trapped like this would have a psychological effect on her.
Leadership and ethics, but apparently not diplomacy. Would Celestia have taught her to take a swing at Wave Dancer the way she just did?
This is a big yikes.
Here, we see Rainbow’s self-conceit on full display. She is the only one who can stop Nightmare Moon. To her, everyone else is dead weight—despite the fact that she’s done more to harm the party’s prospects than anyone else.
We also see her lack of consideration for others. Rainbow merely assumes she’ll be able to come back for Applejack later. Never does the thought enter her head that leaving Applejack here might well be a death sentence. Perhaps these sea ponies intend to sink their carnivorous teeth into Applejack the moment Rainbow and the others are gone, or let the bubble collapse and send Applejack to a watery grave. She doesn’t know these creatures. She doesn’t know their intentions.
Worse still, we see an apparent lack of loyalty towards the others. Rainbow Dash from the cartoon would never leave her friends hanging, whereas here, she’s actually debating letting Applejack take the fall. To her credit, she’s at least conflicted about it, but the scene ends with the question left unanswered. Neither Rainbow nor the reader knows who would have won the argument: the angel perched on her shoulder, or the devil.
I see what this is going for. Rainbow is loyal, but which loyalty wins out: loyalty to her friends, or loyalty to a higher cause? It reminds me of Deanna Troi trying to pass the bridge officer’s test.
But there are several problems with this. Number one, nobody made Rainbow Dash god. She isn’t the commander, and the others aren’t her subordinates. These aren’t military officers or soldiers of the Royal Guard who’ve sworn an oath to obey chain of command; these are civilians who’ve accompanied her of their own free will, whose lives and fates aren’t for Rainbow to decide. She shouldn’t even be considering volunteering somebody else, and the fact that Applejack’s name might actually be on the tip of her tongue is pretty damning.
Ten minutes ago, Rainbow was upset that the others had come along because she didn’t want to put them in danger, but now she’s perfectly willing to throw Applejack away like cannon fodder because at this particular moment, the mission happens to demand it. This is the ultimate caprice.
But the bigger problem I have is that this just isn’t Rainbow Dash. Maybe if someone had a gun to Applejack’s head, and they forced Rainbow Dash to choose between Applejack’s life and the deaths of millions, she would choose the greater good—but that decision would probably destroy her. However, this situation is completely different. She has the option to lay herself down on the wire for Applejack, and she doesn’t. Rainbow Dash wouldn’t be wrangling over whether to throw Applejack under the bus; she would be wrangling over whether to throw herself under the bus. She would be trying to justify removing her own piece from the board, not debating whether to sacrifice Applejack’s. Treating Applejack like a pawn isn’t friendship, isn’t magic.
Add paranoia to Rainbow’s list of character traits. I love how all this game theory is running through her head. Will Applejack rat me out, or should I rat out Applejack first? I guess Celestia never taught her about the prisoner’s dilemma.
In my opinion, this is the first time during this conversation that Rainbow Dash has actually behaved like Rainbow Dash.
Well said!
This is a bit out of left field. It seems to be trying to connect with Applejack’s resentment of Rainbow Dash in episodes like The Mysterious Mare Do Well, but unless I’m mistaken, there hasn’t been any groundwork laid for this in the previous chapters. Applejack knows Rainbow is only here temporarily, right? In the event they defeat Nightmare Moon, wouldn’t Applejack’s default assumption be that Rainbow would return to Canterlot along with Celestia? If that's the case, why hold a grudge? Why make hay over it?
Nice rhyme. “By all the apple trees I and my kin have planted,” not “I’ve and my kin.”
This is cool. This is what I’ve wanted from Rainbow Dash all along.
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Thanks again for the review and the corrections/suggestions!
I see where you're coming at with Rainbow's actions with Rarity and AJ in the last chapter and this one and have striven to address them.
Upon reflection, a lot of your criticism over the course of the story comes from two sources, ones that actually seem to contradict and cut against one other. You want more raw emotion, you want things to be a lot more heavy and more dramatic, even traumatic, for Rainbow Dash. You want to really grind her down, show her emotional and mental torment over what she's been through in order to make her eventual triumph that much grander.
At the same time, you also want Rainbow to be less impulsive, less snappish and more tactful with her friends; be more reflective of what Celestia had been trying to teach her in order to highlight just how different this Rainbow Dash is from the one we saw in the series.
The problem is that these two desires feel completely and totally at odds with one another. You can’t have it both ways. Now, I won’t pretend to be an expert on trauma, especially to someone who has actually been in combat situations, but here’s how things look to me:
If the story is that much more traumatic for Rainbow, if I really play up just how horrible the things she has gone through are for her—then the criticisms that she’s too upset and snappish with her companions just seems unwarranted. Putting someone through something traumatic and then expecting them to have everything together, to remain completely on an even keel (while STILL being in a high-pressure situation, no less), feels unrealistic in the extreme.
I won’t presume any sort of expertise on trauma and the responses to it, but from what I’ve taken away from my own experience with it and my own understanding (however flawed that might be) is that it feels unfair to judge someone like Rainbow--who hasn’t even had time to recover from any of the potentially traumatic moments she’s been through in this story--for not holding her temper better.
You objected to me allegedly depicting Rainbow as some sort of “samurai” more concerned with failing her duty than being scared of her own possible death. Yet if I were to depict Rainbow as someone put through achingly detailed and exquisitely described trauma after trauma and still be polite and diplomatic and never snap at her companions (or the actual creatures who -just- put her through that trauma), that would be far more “samurai”-like than anything I wrote. She’d have to be some sort of saint-like paragon were I to show her suffering THAT much and still not have her say an unkind word or display any irritability at all.
If you think Rainbow’s snappiness is so detrimental to the character that you think it damages her likeability, something I’m starting to concede to, then continually pressing to up the stakes and really dwell on the torment and trauma she’s suffering makes that nonviable. Again, I can’t envision her dealing with the equivalent of PTSD multiple times over and not occasionally lashing out or rushing ahead or at least making a comment or some such.
At the moment I’ve gone back through Chapters 16-19 and cut down on some of the snippiness and one or two plot developments because I think maintaining her likability is more important than just about anything else, even if it means not really delving into the full depths of her emotional torment, because as I said, I don’t see how it’d be possible to do both things at the same time. If one is hurting that deeply, then them lashing out is to be expected—even if it’s not the most pleasant thing—and is fairly understandable. If she is supposed to be dealing with her frustrations better than I had originally written, then the traumatic stakes cannot keep being upped.
A lot of criticisms you’ve offered about particular developments (with her being responsible for Rarity sacrificing her necklace last chapter or her suspicious thoughts about AJ here) and the light they paint Rainbow in are valid as far as they go and I’ve reconsidered those plot aspects. But in these other cases, simultaneously pressing for a much darker, more emotionally tormented tone while also objecting to any expression of irritation by Rainbow, that just feels like wanting to eat one’s cake and have it too.
Another bait making it looking like this is Fluttershy's trial (her trying to get the others' attention) only for it to not be hers!
This chapter blew my expectations out of the water bubble for AJ's trial. I especially loved the part where Wavedancer asked why AJ and RD both tried to claim sole responsibility for themselves instead of trying to blame each other. Connecting the honesty to family was brilliant too, with how AJ said if she wasn't honest then it wouldn't be herself watching over the family.
Two super clever minor details: Applejack pointing out the fact that Apple Bloom started a Rainbow Dash fan club hosted in Applejack's own treehouse, and Wavedancer mentioning the abnormal tide as evidence of Nightmare Moon's tampering, which helped her confirm AJ's claims.