Chapter 12
Rainbow Dash lazily flew over Ponyville just enjoying the sights. She soared over the schoolhouse and spotted Cheerilee reading to her class outside on the lawn. She managed to pick up on the tail end of her lesson. “…took on responsibility for both sun and moon, and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since!” She closed the book she was reading from. “You see? Now that is how the Queen…”
“Look! It’s Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo pointed excitedly, drawing the entire class’ attention. Rainbow waved and performed a loop, delighted in the chorus of cheers and shouts that greeted her as they jumped and waved, eager to get her attention.
They hardly noticed the exasperated-looking Cheerilee. “Fine, remember to have fun at the Summer Sun Celebration!”
With a loose wave, Dash zoomed down at the ground, a rainbow in her wake. She flew just over their heads, blowing manes wildly out of place as they stomped and cheered. She rolled her body upside down and threw her weight skywards. Her momentum shifted, sending her soaring back up into the wild blue. The wind tugged at her mane and tail as they flapped about in midair. She looped around the schoolyard once, twice and on the third time did a series of barrel rolls. Rainbow then evened out and zipped across the rooftops, her hooves delicately strutting across them as she half-ran, half-flew across from house to house until she reached the end of the street.
Then, with a final somersault she landed hard on her hooves on the street below, right in front of the local restaurant. She breezed in and headed to the outdoor tables.
This was the life. Hot piping breakfast each morning at Sweet Apple Acres, a whole day of flying—when Twilight wasn’t dragging her around to oversee preparations—naps in the clouds, competitions with Applejack, forest excursions with Fluttershy—sadly more nature walks than monster fighting but not too bad—more flying, dinner with Derpy and Dinky, then either stay there for the night, or head back to the farm. Rinse and repeat.
And, as if saving the best part of being in town for last—Rainbow made her way to Cloud Kicker and Derpy Doo, who were waiting for her at a table. Cloud waved her over. “Nice, we get lunch and a show.”
Derpy chuckled lightly. “Nice entrance.”
"Hey CK, hey Derpy." Rainbow picked up a menu. "What do you guys recommend today?"
“The daffodil sandwiches are really good, but the celery soup's amazing too.” Derpy raised a wing, beckoning a waiter over.
“I’d recommend the muffins too,” Cloud offered. “But Derpy might bite you if you get them.”
“The muffin shark strikes swiftly and without mercy,” Rainbow intoned with a solemn nod.
Derpy playfully chomped her teeth. “Not even you're fast enough to get away.”
Cloud chuckled and patted Derpy’s muzzle. “At least you're sweet whenever there aren't muffins on the line.”
“Trying to get a hold of a muffin in her house is almost intense enough training to make up for anything I was thinking of doing in the Everfree.” Rainbow rolled her neck. “You know, I have to give it to you guys. This town is actually pretty fun.”
“Yeah, really is.” Cloud nodded. “Of course, having you around is certainly livening things up even more. The Rainbow Dash Fan Club already has half the foals at school signed up.”
Derpy chuckled. “Only half? Rainbow must be slipping.”
“Dash’s saving the really awesome stuff for the performance at the Summer Sun Celebration,” Cloud deadpanned. “After that, I’m sure Cheerilee will give up trying to teach anything other than Awesomeness, Coolness and Radicalness and just turn the school itself into a fanclub.”
“This is why I’m friends with you,” Rainbow quipped as she stole a hayfry from Cloud’s plate. “If I said all that myself, ponies might think I have an ego or something.” All she received for her observation was a set of rolled eyes as Cloud drew her hoof back just above her own head.
“That’s enough, girls.” Derpy was uniquely suited to giving them both a separate yet simultaneous warning look. The waiter came by and took Rainbow’s order. She waited for him to go before picking up the conversation. “Your routine must be something special.”
Rainbow Dash beamed. “I’ve been working on it since forever! Do you know how long it took me to convince Celestia to let me do an aerial routine during the Celebration?”
“Knowing you?” Cloud thought it over. “Probably since the first Celebration after you became her student?”
“Yeah, sounds right,” she admitted. “It’s gonna be so great finally getting to show it off but…”
Derpy’s ears perked. “But what?”
Rainbow nudged her plate. “I don’t know. I still feel like I should be doing something more to deal with Nightmare Moon.”
Cloud shook her head. “I still think haring off into the Everfree to pick fights with random monsters is a bad idea, especially right before the Celebration.”
Rainbow nodded glumly, sinking down a bit.
Cloud sighed. “But if you’re going to get all pouty and depressed and decide to do something stupid anyway, then I'm coming along. Somepony has to keep your plot in one piece.”
Derpy nodded. “If you really think this will help, then we aren’t going to leave you to do this alone.”
Rainbow brightened. “Thanks guys. It means a lot knowing you guys have my back, you know?”
“Always.” Cloud playfully punched her shoulder. “Even when you're being a butthead. At least you'll have an almost-guardpony to watch your back if you have to go out and pick a fight with a monster.”
Rainbow snorted indignantly. “When am I butthead?”
“Did you want recently, or the comprehensive list?”
Derpy snorted and settled for another bite of her sandwich instead of jumping in.
“Typical. I take time off to visit you guys, offer to include you in the adventure of a lifetime, and you all want to do is bust my chops.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “That’s gratitude for you.”
“Nah, that’s just friendship.” Cloud nodded. “I saw that on a shirt once: ‘Friendship is Giving Your Friends A Hard Time But Never Crossing the Line Into Becoming Mean-Spirited Jerkiness.’” She paused. “I think I saw it at one of those stores for plus-sized ponies.”
Rainbow crossed her frontlegs and glowered at them. At least, she was going for a glower, it came out as more of a pout.
Cloud chuckled. “Uh-oh, she's getting cranky. You know what we have to do now, Derpster. More food and hugs.” She wrapped a wing around Rainbow, Derpy following suit from her other side.
“Bah.” Rainbow tried to sulk, but couldn’t pull it off. “You guys are the best friends a pony can have. I know that between the three of us, Nightmare Moon won't stand a chance.”
“Don't forget Fluttershy.” Cloud Kicker poked her.
“Fluttershy?” Rainbow asked. “Don't get me wrong, it's been great catching up with her too but—do you really think she's the kind of pony who'd be up for some world-saving adventure?”
Cloud shrugged. “I dunno, she might surprise you.”
“I think anypony can surprise you when push comes to shove,” Derpy chimed in.
Rainbow shrugged neutrally. “The Summer Sun Celebration is tomorrow morning. I hear they're really going all out with the party tonight—I think Pinkie’s throwing it."
“Yeah, if there's a party she pretty much has to be involved.” Cloud confirmed.
“Or if there's a reason to throw a party.” Derpy thought it over. “Or if there's no reason to throw a party, but it's been a while since the last party.”
Rainbow snorted. “Sounds about right.” She looked around for the waiter, spotting the restaurant filling up. “Ugh, this could take a while. You guys can go, I’ll probably have time for another practice flight before my order comes back. Tell Dinky and Alula I said hi, and that I'd do something special for them during the celebration.”
“I will!” Derpy promised.
“No problem. Want some company for the flight?” Cloud offered.
Rainbow shook her head. “Nah, s'good. Gonna be working on a few things I was saving ‘specially for the Celebration. Don't want to ruin the surprise!”
“Okay. Well, see you around then.” Cloud Kicker and Derpy made their exit.
Rainbow watched as Cloud flew off and Derpy resumed her mail schedule, idly fumbling with the next stop on her mail route. “Okay Mr. Mailbox, it’s time for your breakfast ... GAH!”
Rainbow turned back for her own meal, taking one last look around for her waiter. She was about to head out when a pair of massive hooves covered her face from behind, causing her to flail in surprise. “Guess who, Dashie?” Teased a familiar sounding voice.
“Shining Armor, you pinhead! Lemme go!” She grunted, spinning around the second he let go of her. “Jerk!”
He laughed at the indignant look on her face. “Aww, c’mon Dash,” Shining pouted. “I missed you, kid. How’re you doing?”
Rainbow Dash brightened immediately. “It’s. Been. Awesome!” She threw her hooves up. “I get to fly all I want, get great food and no boring lessons or snobby ponies to ruin things. It’s a blast.”
“Glad you’re enjoying yourself.” Shining ruffled her mane. “How’s Twiley doing? She around?”
“Twilight’s actually doing pretty okay, Applejack’s showing her around town.” Rainbow said after thinking about it. “I think she’s having some fun and she actually got to meet some ponies without completely shutting down. She’s kinda cool once she stops being all nervous or nerdy. No offense,” she added as an afterthought.
Shining didn’t seem offended. He actually looked excited. “That’s great news! I was hoping that if any pony could get her to loosen up a bit and gain a little confidence, it’d be you.”
Rainbow beamed, but resolved to play it cool. True, her hind legs did do a little kick of joy, but they were safely hidden from view under the table so that totally didn't count. “It’s no big deal.”
“It is to me,” Shining said as he swept her up in a tight hug. “I’ve been trying to get Twilight to get out and make friends for ages. Thank you so much.”
“HURK! Wel—come,” Rainbow wheezed, her face reddening.
Shining stepped away, shooting her a small smile. “I’m going to go see Twilight, but first the Queen asked me to drop something off at the library. When you’re done here, Queen Celestia would like to see you. She has a room upstairs in the town hall in preparation for her appearance in the morning. It’s been great seeing you Dash. I owe you big time.” He finished with a sharp salute offset by an easy going smile before he turned and trotted off.
Rainbow Dash slumped back into her chair, a goofy grin plastered to her face … until the rest of his message sunk in. The Queen wanted to see her?
The waiter returned, dropping off her salad, but she suddenly wasn’t hungry anymore.
About an hour later, Rainbow was trotting up the stairs to the upper level of Ponyville Town Hall. The pair of white pegasi in gold armor told her she was in the right place. “Hey, Silver Lining, hey Steelwing … uh, the Queen wanted to see me?” She half-hoped that they would turn her away. But no, they turned and stood aside, one of them opening the door for her. The moment she stepped in she heard the door shut firmly behind her. The ‘click’ had a certain finality to it.
“Celestia?” Rainbow asked as she trotted inside the Queen’s room, her words were informal but her tone was nervous. The last night they had seen each other had not ended on the best of terms.
For a moment, she thought that the Queen wasn’t there. Then she heard a soft, elegant sigh that spoke of tremendous weariness and love. “I had hoped I would get to see you before tonight.”
This was not what Rainbow was expecting. “Um, why?” She slowly made her way inside. “Celestia? You okay?”
“Yes, I am.” Celestia sat upon her bed, her legs tucked beneath her. She gently patted a space next to her with her wing. Rainbow gave a single flap and hopped up on the bed next to Celestia. She felt Celestia’s giant wing enfolding her, drawing her close. Dash expected a royal chewing out, not this. The closeness brought her back to all the times Celestia would do this when Rainbow Dash was just a filly. As much as she loved her mentor, she was glad there wasn’t anypony around to see this. It made the image-conscious pegasus feel a little embarrassed at being coddled and fussed over like a fledgling again, even if she kinda liked it. Especially because she kinda liked it.
“So, what’s going on?” Rainbow Dash asked, hoping that this was not about the last night they saw each other. She bit her lip as she felt Celestia’s feathers stroke her back.
“I just thought that we should talk. It seems as if we haven’t been able to spend as much time together as I would like,” she exhaled. “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
Rainbow fidgeted. “Um, nice weather we’re having?” She gave her widest, cheesiest grin. It never failed to make Celestia smile. She once said that Rainbow was just so cute when she thought she was being subtle. Rainbow didn’t really care for that, but whatever worked.
“Yes, I suppose we are at that.” The Queen of Equestria laughed, leaning her head down to nuzzle her student while gently tousling Rainbow’s mane with her hoof.
“Ack! Heeey!” Rainbow whined as she feebly shooed Celestia’s hoof away and set about to fixing her mane.
Celestia chuckled. “I was referring more to how you were doing.” She looked down at her. “I saw you practicing this afternoon.”
“Heh, yeah.” She shuffled her wings. “I just needed to stretch my wings a bit.”
Nodding in understanding, Celestia met her eyes. “So your wings were feeling … cramped?”
“I guess so.” Rainbow looked away.
Celestia kept her face neutral. “I see. But now your wings are feeling more free here in Ponyville than in Canterlot?”
Rainbow leaned her head against Celestia’s side and sighed gently. “I guess. Don’t get me wrong!” She quickly added. “I like Canterlot fine but—”
Queen Celestia smiled before taking on an exaggerated pout. “What’s the matter my faithful student? Here I thought you liked all the fancy dinner parties and soirées!”
Dash groaned. “I’d rather you banished me, then threw me in a dungeon in the place you banished me to than go to another one of those!”
“I know. I sometimes feel the same way.” Celestia nuzzled her. “But I fear that you spend too much time by yourself. There are many young ponies in Canterlot for you to meet. Besides,” she winked. “I like showing you off.”
Rainbow Dash smiled. “Yeah, I know how awesome I am.” It was hard to tell how much was boast and how much was humor. Her smile soon slipped. “But just about everypony else in Canterlot only cared about climbing the social ladder. It was all pettiness and gossiping and nothing even remotely cool. I tried inviting some of them to the Wonderbolts, but they only went to try to schmooze with fancy ponies in the private boxes.” Her ear twitched irritably at the thought of being used.
Celestia nodded in understanding. “So you were content with your Ponyville friends, even though you only saw them occasionally?”
“Well, yeah!” Rainbow exclaimed. “They get me, and I get them. Cloud Kicker and Derpy like a little excitement, some pranks and fun, like me. None of them try to make me somepony else. Not even Fluttershy, and she’s totally different from me!”
“Is that what the Canterlot youth tried to do?” Celestia asked. “Or is it what you think I tried to do?”
“That’s not what I—” Rainbow groaned. “Yeah, sorta, sometimes it does feel that way. If you wanted somepony who could dig through archives or discuss philosophy and ethics, why’d you make me your student? Why’d you want me to learn all that?”
There a small sigh before Celestia answered. “You have the distinct advantage of being committed, driven and focused on your goals. Not everypony has those qualities. However, I’ve found that when you become too driven or focused on your work, you can lose sight of other things. Important things.” She closed her eyes. Rainbow put her hoof over Celestia’s. That seemed to buoy her, for she smiled again. “I didn’t want to undercut your confidence or dedication to your goal, merely have you be aware that you can try other things. I wanted to see you learn more skills and excel in new ways. If I pushed you too hard to interact with others, then it’s only because I wanted you to be able to handle all sorts of ponies and situations.”
It all sounded so reasonable when Celestia said it like that, Rainbow fidgeted. “Yeah, well, maybe I’d be more okay with trying new stuff if you weren’t always trying to force it on me. Especially when I already have a lot on my plate...” She sighed. “But even when you’re making me try something lame or boring … they’re still a little cool because I’m doing it with you. You’re really cool.”
Celestia’s smile grew warmer, genuinely touched. “Thank you, Rainbow Dash.”
But Rainbow’s own started to shrink. “I know I’m not the pony you would’ve wanted to be here. I know I’m not a good student, that I argue a lot and cause you trouble…”
“Rainbow Dash.” Celestia gently stroked her cheek. “You are a wonderful student. You’ve worked very hard and faced every challenge in your path head-on. True, your mind could use a little broadening, and a little more patience … but you have grown to be a wonderful mare. You are strong, brave, talented and you always speak your mind. And if we quarrel, it is because we have different ideas on what is best for you. I’m proud that you have your own opinions. I just wish you would think a little bit more before you voice them.” She gently flicked Rainbow’s muzzle.
“So you’re not mad at me?” Rainbow squeaked, her voice breaking from emotion.
“No, I’m not.” She smiled as Rainbow sighed in relief, practically melting against her side as the tension poured out of her. The two lay there for much of the day, drawing comfort and strength from the other’s presence. As night fell, Celestia stood and walked to the window.
Curious, Rainbow followed her. She stared out at the bright vision of the rising moon, marred only by the dark curve that almost seemed to be a mare’s face, staring down upon them.
“It’s almost time,” Celestia murmured, watching as four nearby stars slowly converged on the moon. “You need to go.”
“Go? Why?”
“It’s time.” She repeated archly.
The stress made Rainbow’s eyes grow wide as it sank in. “Whoa, whoa—wait. You mean it’s happening? Right now? Nightmare Moon is coming?!” Celestia nodded solemnly. “Why didn’t you—whatever, doesn’t matter. If she’s coming here, then I’m staying!” Rainbow tilted her head up at Celestia, a defiant fire practically blazing in her eyes.
Celestia chuckled tiredly as she surprised Dash with a nuzzle. “I had wished that you would not be here to see this,” she said softly. “But I suppose I should’ve known better.” The ruler of Equestria’s voice took on a heavy tone. “A thousand years ago … my sister fell victim to her own jealousy and bitterness and was transformed into a wicked mare of darkness, Nightmare Moon, and vowed to bring eternal night. I tried to reason with her. But I failed. In the end she was banished to the moon. And now she is returning to Equestria.”
Rainbow paced, her wings flapping furiously. “We’ll stop her then. Together.”
Celestia shook her head. “Last time I was fortunate and our battle was swift. That will not be the case this time. She would take no chances, summoning Star Beasts down from the constellations, heedless of the damage it would wreak, so long as she triumphed. Even if I were victorious, the cost to Equestria would be tremendous. Many ponies would be hurt … and worse. That is unacceptable. Nor can I allow her to destroy me and sever my connection with the sun, which would doom the world to eternal darkness. So I must pursue a third option.”
“Which is?” Rainbow prodded impatiently.
“I shall become one with the sun.” Celestia stood tall. “From there, I can ensure the connection between the sun and Equestria remains intact.”
“Become one with the—the hay does that even mean?” Rainbow demanded, feeling overwhelmed.
Celestia paused before looking Rainbow squarely in the eye. “It means that I will no longer exist as I am now. I will surrender my body, my mind … everything that makes me Celestia and be reduced to my essential connection with the sun; permanently binding it to Equestria. I will, effectively, die.”
Rainbow’s jaw dropped. “B-but you can’t! Y-you can come back right … right?” Her voice took on a panicked tone as Celestia didn’t answer. “Right?!”
“I honestly don’t know,” the Queen admitted.
“Then don’t do it!” Rainbow exclaimed.
She held up her hoof. “It has already begun.” Rainbow Dash’s wings flared out in shock as she saw the ends of Celestia’s hooves start to glow a bright golden light and slowly start to dissolve into a golden mist.
“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh … you can’t!” Dash pleaded, tugging on Celestia’s foreleg.
Celestia shook her head. “Listen to me! There isn’t much time,” she grunted, closing her eyes. “What happens to me now can not be changed and isn’t important. What needs to be done is to stop Nightmare Moon.”
Rainbow Dash shook her head, her eyes wet with tears. “Why didn’t you tell me she was coming back now? I never would’ve left if—”
“I'm sorry.” Celestia looked genuinely heartbroken. “I could not tell you because I knew you would try to stop me.” She took a steadying breath. “And because Nightmare Moon is a Dreamwalker. That means she likely has walked inside of your dreams and knows who you are. I’d be surprised if she hasn’t caused you more than one nightmare in order to get back at me, for which I’m also sorry. But since I have no power over dreams, I could not prevent any sensitive information I told you from appearing in one of your dreams; and thus potentially ending up in her hooves. Even now, I wish I could tell you more … but Nightmare Moon is dangerous and clever. You must find your own way to stop her. But never fear, my faithful student. You already have everything—and everyone—you will need.”
“N-no … no…” Rainbow sobbed as she pressed her head against Celestia’s neck. “Please … don’t go.”
Celestia sighed and wrapped her up in her wings. She cast a quick look out the window. The stars were practically bordering the moon. It wouldn’t be long. “Please … let us not have our last few moments be spent on wishing things could be different. Instead, let’s celebrate what we have together.”
Rainbow sniffled, her tears falling down her cheeks in a way that would have mortified her at any other time. But right now, she didn’t care about that. “I don’t know who or what I’d be if I didn’t know you.”
“You would be who you always were—a singularly extraordinary pony.” Celestia nuzzled her. “Just remember that being extraordinary doesn’t mean you need to be alone.”
“I-I will.” Rainbow promised, burying her face in Celestia’s shoulder. “Please don’t go! I-I don’t know what to do!”
Gently stroking Rainbow Dash’s mane, Celestia hugged her. “Oh my student … you’ve been flying for as long as I’ve known you. Now I’m asking you to soar. I have every confidence in you that you’ll succeed. Remember you are never alone. Even if you can’t see me, I will still be there.”
Celestia threw her head back, her eyes and mouth opening wide as golden light erupted forth. She flung out her wings and her legs as she hovered in the air, the same light pouring out, turning her into a multi-pointed golden star.
The light grew blinding, forcing Rainbow Dash to look away, hiding beneath her wing. No longer able to see her mentor, she dared not look again, praying to wake up, that this was just some elaborate prank of Celestia’s for fighting. She prayed to hear the merry, chime-like laughter as her mentor said “Gotcha!”
Instead, there was a cold and cruel chuckle, one that soon grew into a full-on maddening cackle. Rainbow forced herself to look. Celestia was gone and so was the light. What Rainbow saw in its place was another alicorn, this one as dark as Celestia had been light, wearing ice-cold blue armor. Instead of a shimmering rainbow, her mane was a shimmering star-lit field, lightning crackling amid it. Her eyes didn't even look like a pony's, let alone Celestia's. They were slitted like a dragon and had about as much warmth.
All of a sudden, the annual Nightmare Night festivities just lost a lot of their allure for Rainbow.
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i see this remastered version and i see the original. is there any reason to read the original before this one or should i ignore it? some would say remastered is better by definition but i watched both "Princess Of Mars" and its remake "John Carter" and while i will admit the remake was better they were different enough that i would recommend watching both. someone please verify.
9641878
The key plot points are the same. The narrative and background are completely different. The original is a more traditional alternate take on the show, while the remake is a more proper alternate universe, if that makes sense.
9641969
that sounds like a yes to me. would you recommend reading both?
Absolutely LOVED Rainbow's scene with Cheerilee and the students , as well as Shiny thanking Rainbow for helping Twilight come a bit out of her shell and Rainbow's chat with Queen Celestia JUST before Nightmare Moon's return.
Well, it looks like the Slice of Life shenanigans will have to be put on hold for a while, because the adventure/second half of the story has most certainly begun.
REALLY good work on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up in all the right places.
And here, we, go.
9642012
Yes.
Rainbow blushing whenever Shining thanks her is cute. She had a great chat with Celestia as well. This is definitely an interesting take on Nightmare's return. Curious to see what ends up happening in the end, and if Celestia is able to come back.
Did you copy that death scene from Thor Ragnarok?
9642368
Actually, no. Wrote this before I ever saw it. I was probably going for more of a Dr. Who 'regeneration' kinda of feel to it.
I was not ready for this. That goodbye scene hit me harder than I expected.
9642417
So we might see Celestia again near the end or is the death permanent?
Aw shit, here we go again!
One act closes. Another begins.
So she actually has a good reason for not telling Rainbow anything this go-round. That makes sense.
She still didn't really get that absolutely nopony in Canterlot was worth befriending, though.
Your attempts at cuteness shall not faze me author! I have never daw'd and shall never do such a thing! I have reached the apex of manliness! MORE SO THEN THESE TWO!
I think the fact your snuggling a couple sentences after might honk folks off more. Of course, Celestia is the sort to not give a toss.
Or if your going to the goddess route, you could worry about ponies trying to rub Rainbow's belly for good luck like she's some rule 63 pony Budhaa ... or declaring her excommucate traitoris and burning her at the stake for heresy. God knows what fate will befall Cloud Kicker if your going the full Chengar route in this story for Luna
Liking the odd word choices you have in your stories.
Not neccessarily. Nightmare seems less the philosophical and artistic then Luna, and dreams are as much allegory and mists as reality. So she could see Dash... or assume she's just a really big to the point of creepy fan of Celestia.
Jokes on her, cobras don't smile! They are incredibly dour creatures! Her incursion into Equestria for a eternity of darkness and maniacal laughter must be heralded by a sour puss!
i.imgur.com/En3StHW.png
10169814
Awesome, in the original meaning of the word.
I'm back from vacation. Gonna try and knuckle down on this.
I think the introductory paragraphs from the original version are actually stronger than the remaster here.
1. “Rainbow Dash lazily flew over Ponyville just enjoying the sights. She soared over the schoolhouse and spotted Cherilee reading to her class outside on the lawn. She managed to pick up on the tail end of her lesson.” This is very telly and overall just kind of weak. It’s also unnecessary. In the original version, it was easy enough to infer we were at the schoolhouse. The scene-setting in the remaster detracts.
2. “…took on responsibility for both sun and moon, and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since!” is a better first-line hook for the chapter. It draws an immediate parallel with S1E1 and telegraphs to the reader exactly where and when we are in the narrative as compared to the cartoon.
3. Cheerilee ending with, “Fine, remember to have fun at the Summer Sun Celebration!” also provided some helpful context that the new version lacks.
I really like the character interactions between these three. It’s interesting to see Rainbow Dash interact with ponies outside her usual friend group.
Forehooves?
Missing the terminal quotation mark.
This part of the chapter is overtagged. We’ve got: ‘offered,’ ‘intoned,’ ‘deadpanned,’ ‘quipped,’ ‘admitted,’ ‘chimed in,’ ‘confirmed,’ ‘promised,’ ‘offered’ (again) — and not a single ‘said.’ Kind of feels like you’re avoiding ‘said,’ like it’s too generic and you don’t want to overuse it. Use ‘said.’ ‘Said’ is your friend.
The action beats are on the weak side too, with characters nodding, brightening, snorting, rolling their eyes... Nothing that reveals them or their emotions in a creative or interesting way. Just frequent interruptions in order to tell us who the speaker is... Often, it’s not even necessary. Here, for example:
‘Rainbow rolled her eyes’ isn’t useful here… It’s already clear who the speaker is, since Rainbow is the only one who’s visiting Ponyville. The action beat just kind of obtrudes into the dialogue and asserts itself, upsetting the rhythm of the paragraph and making it feel a little disjointed. By itself it’s not a big deal, but it tends to crop up:
etc., etc.
Shining Armor’s not as bad here as he was in the original, but he’s still kind of terrible. Is he really just that oblivious to Rainbow’s feelings for him? I've read Hot Heads Cold Hearts, so I know how this goes, and how much pain and humiliation it’s setting Rainbow up for... Kind of seems like he’s leading her on — though like I said, he was a lot worse in the original version, where he’s whispering in her ear and sending tingles down her back and stuff.
The tried-and-true character-loses-their-appetite scene break. I like this one. Always a classic.
Hyphen isn’t needed here.
Grammatical error here.
Schmooze.
Good question! Why didn’t she? I get that the remaster’s Celestia has done more to inform Rainbow Dash about Nightmare Moon, but it’s still not entirely obvious why she’s withholding certain information — like the time, date, and circumstances of her return.
Heedless of the consequences it would wreak, not wrought.
Ah, here we go. This is really clever. Seizing on the later revelations of the show canon to get around certain plot inconveniences… I like this a lot. Although, it’s not entirely clear to me how Nightmare Moon would be able to spy on Rainbow Dash in such a way when she’s banished to the moon. Are we to presume, then, that she’s kept some sliver of her power these past thousand years? Does she haunt the dreams of other ponies apart from Rainbow and Celestia? I can see how making plans and arrangements could be ill-advised if Nightmare Moon can go all Voldemort and legilimens Rainbow Dash from a million miles away on the moon, but it still remains to be seen how Celestia informing Rainbow Dash of certain pertinent details — such as the fact that we're T-minus 100 days, T-minus 30 days, T-minus 1 day from unbanishment — could be so secretive and sensitive.
The verb tense is a bit off. ‘Says’ is present tense. Should stick to past tense or past progressive to keep consistency with the rest of the paragraph.
I’m a little ehhhhh on the H.P. Clopcraft bit. It feels out of place to sprinkle in a pop culture reference at such a momentous turning point of the story. Substituting ‘Clop’ in place of ‘Love’ likewise seems iffy to me, in light of the meaning that word has in the MLP community. And the reference doesn’t make a lot of sense to begin with… When I think about Lovecraft, I think about madness, the cosmic horror of the unknown, and tentacled Cthulian horrors of the deep dark, not winged unicorns in ice-blue armor.
All in all, Nightmare Moon’s revelation falls a little flat here. This passage is nearly a direct copy-paste from the original version of R&R, and it’s one that could have really used more of a makeover. It’s almost all passive voice, very telly. Moreover, Nightmare Moon’s singular line of dialogue verges on something out of a Saturday morning cartoon. It doesn’t feel scary or threatening to me, more of a paint-by-numbers kind of villainy…
I think, if it were me, I’d have left out that line of dialogue and ended on Rainbow’s emotional state of unease as she shudders under Nightmare’s cobra-like leer. Leave the reader to wonder until next chapter about the villain’s intentions, keep them guessing. And get more inside Rainbow’s headspace. This is the moment she’s been preparing for all her life, and she probably feels completely shocked and unprepared right now, a keening sense of loss, and probably more than a little desperation… I don’t get any of that when I read this description of Nightmare Moon, as it isn’t really written from Rainbow’s point of view.
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Hey! Welcome back, glad to hear from you! You caught me right before bed, so I'll just reply to a few quick things and I'll look this over more thoroughly tomorrow after work:
Character tags - In a group scene with three characters, all female, exchanging lines of dialogue it was felt that it was important to establish who was saying what because it's not immediately obvious and not having the tags or using "she/her" would just confuse things. Maybe some of it can be trimmed back, but I don't think it can be totally gotten rid of.
The problem with having Cheerilee open the bit is that the story is from Rainbow's perspective, if not actually her POV. One of the things my editors impressed on me was having narrative consistency. The story should be told from only one perspective: Rainbow Dash's. The narrator follows her, elaborates her thoughts and feelings and we sometimes go inside her head to read her direct thoughts. That should not happen with any other character, which would be jarring and out of step with the rest...unless I went full third-person omniscient and have the narrator go into what each character is actually thinking, but that's not what I generally did and it has to be consistent: one way or the other.
The original had Cheerilee talking, then Scootaloo interrupts THEN Rainbow appears ... so how would Rainbow have seen or heard what Cheerilee was doing if she was only then arriving? If Rainbow isn't there, if she isn't established as seeing/hearing it, then the story/narrator doesn't know it's happening. My editors convinced me it was a break in perspective and was therefore out of place.
Finally, as for Nightmare Moon ... well, I figure the name should make SOME flipping sense. If Luna protected ponies' dreams, then what would a being called Nightmare Moon logically do? For that matter, why should she be a legend or figure of fear in Equestria if she had no power over dreams? From the flashback in the Season 4 premiere, Luna fell then Celestia defeated and banished her five minutes later. That's not exactly enough time for her to strike such dread into the minds of Equestrians that they'd remember and fear her a thousand years later or work up a whole holiday around her (and I find it hard to believe that Celestia would deliberately turn her into such a figure in the public mind). I figure letting her have power over nightmares made sense and would explain why Celestia didn't tell Rainbow everything. As for what she also didn't say ... that's explained later.
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Some other errata:
Forehooves would be the front two hooves on a pony's body. That'd be like saying someone "crossed their hands" when they meant they crossed their arms. Only ponies don't have arms, so crossing ones front legs is as close as one can actually get to that for them.
As for said --- I think we have different influences. With my editors, one of whom is a virtually a prodigy with grammar, having every character line end in "he/she said" is repetitive and boring.
"Absolutely," he said.
"Oh quite right," she said.
As for conveying emotion, how is that to be done without simply telling the audience how they're feeling? To quote Futurama: "You can't just have your characters announce how they feel. That makes me feel angry!" In the case of Cloud and Derpy, they're not the central viewpoint character so the narrator shouldn't be explaining how they feel if Rainbow doesn't notice it for herself. As for Rainbow and what she notices--well, how to avoid the problem of telling rather than showing how they feel?
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So, allow me to be blunt for a second... Who cares?
It's your story. You can tell it however you want. I agree, you generally want to keep narrative consistency — but think of it like making a movie. Even in character-driven biopics, every now and then, the director pulls back the camera for a wide shot.
Your reader isn't keeping a scorecard, docking points for every scene or fragment of a scene Rainbow Dash isn't there for. Instead of constraining yourself by an arbitrary ruleset, do what makes your writing the smoothest, the sleekest, the most emotive and powerful. If that means Rainbow Dash isn't there for one and a half paragraphs, who cares? Nobody's going to notice.
Remember, when Michelangelo sculpted David, he started with a formless block of marble and chipped away at it until it was perfect. The art of writing isn't about adding superfluous words and sentences; it's about taking away what isn't necessary, whittling it down, and exposing the statue in the marble. Writing is altogether similar... Less is usually more.
With all due respect to your editor, I find myself in frequent disagreement with them. 'Said' and 'asked' are the most powerful tools in your dialogue toolbox.
That doesn't mean every dialogue exchange should end with 'he said' or 'she said,' as in the example you gave. Instead, consider the following:
1. Not every line requires an action beat or a dialogue tag. Quite often, the best solution is to let a line of dialogue stand on its own.
2. When it's necessary to indicate who the speaker is, the best solution is a creative and meaningful action beat. In other words, not just 'so-and-so sighed' or 'so-and-so rolled her eyes,' but something that more vividly portrays the scene, the character's emotions, or the context of the situation.
3. Dialogue tags are useful tools. I won't tell you to only use 'said' and 'asked', but in all honestly, they should probably be around 75% of the dialogue tags in your story. What makes them important is the fact that they're invisible. Something can't be repetitive if the reader's eye scans right over it and doesn't notice it, and that's where 'said' and 'asked' really shine. Repetition is something to be mindful of, and something you want to avoid — but the best way to do that is by mixing up the rhythm of standalone quotes, action beats, and dialogue tags. Also remember, dialogue tags can occur before the dialogue, after the dialogue, or in the middle of the dialogue, and that's another way to keep the rhythm going.
I went through this too. Ten years ago when I was starting out on Alicorn, I fell into the trap of wanting to come up with elaborate alternatives to 'said' and 'asked.' It was a mistake and it held my writing back. Take my advice. Don't do it.
That's just my two cents, and you can take it or leave it. Of course, there are two sides to every coin, and no shortage of people out there on the "Said is Dead" side of the debate. I come down pretty firmly against them. That isn't to say you should never use a said-bookism when you're writing — to the contrary, I use them all the time — but I do think they should be used sparingly, and with great deliberation.
I've done a ton of reading on this subject. Some resources:
https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-fiction/keep-it-simple-keys-to-realistic-dialogue-part-ii
https://www.novel-writing-help.com/dialogue-tags.html
https://www.scribophile.com/academy/he-said-she-said-dialog-tags-and-using-them-effectively
https://www.writing-world.com/grammar/said.shtml
https://prowritingaid.com/art/793/avoiding-he-said-%26-she-said.aspx
http://livewritebreathe.com/talking-heads-syndrome/
Instead of a generic action like rolling her eyes, perhaps describe her expression in a new, vivid, and interesting way. Consider symbolism, simile, metaphor.
If Cloud Kicker is angry... Don't tell the reader she's angry. Show the reader she's angry.
Just some random ideas I came up with here in the last few minutes. There's a time and a place for everything, and that includes generic action beats like 'so-and-so rolled their eyes' — but coming up with new and original ways to describe things, vivid ways to paint the scene, that's what makes all so much more fun and interesting to read. And by the way, none of it is easy. At least, it isn't for me. Writing is freaking hard, and this is a big reason why.
Well, that was melodramatic. And out of nowhere.
Interesting explanation for Celestia's dissappearance in the first 2 episodes
Oh así que quitaste la canción en esta