Rainbow Dash’s wings flared as she pawed the ground, her blood going to a sudden boil. Celestia was gone and standing in front of her was the reason why. “You—you're going to pay for what you did!”
Nightmare Moon tossed her head back and laughed. “Such arrogance! Who are you to threaten me, foal?” Her eyes widened in recognition, fangs gleaming as she smiled. “Ah yes, I remember you: Rainbow Dash, my sister’s foalish little pupil.”
Just saying Celestia's name coming from her mouth was enough to send a lance through Rainbow's heart. She hurled herself at the dark mare with a growl, only for her hoof to stop short of Nightmare Moon’s face. She struggled but couldn’t budge an inch, her whole body encased in a magic aura.
The Nightmare looked down at her. “Attempting to lay hoof on royalty is treason,” she coldly warned before casting her gaze across the chamber. Her brows creased in a frown, and Rainbow felt her magical grip tighten as she looked back to her. “Where is Celestia? I can feel her presence; I know she was here. Where did she go?”
Pain squeezed Rainbow’s heart but she kept her voice strong. “She’s gone. It took her less than ten seconds to completely thwart your plans before you even showed up.”
“Thwarting my plans?” Nightmare Moon scoffed. “I doubt that—” Her eyes widened and she tossed her head, sensing something. “So, that’s her little game. She thinks she can keep the sun in place by joining with it? Fool!” She gestured to the ruined window and the darkness outside. “My night still holds sway! I can handle whatever lingering resistance the sun offers at my leisure.” She snarled. “I’m more outraged that after denying me my birthright, my throne, and my freedom, she even denies me my revenge!”
Her eyes blazed in a rage. With a howl born of pure anger, she unleashed her fury upon the now empty room, reducing the furniture to splinters. Rainbow hoped to take advantage of her distraction, but she found that she still could do little more than wiggle in place.
After a few moments of wanton destruction, Nightmare Moon stopped to catch her breath. It was only then that she seemed to remember Rainbow Dash’s presence. “Ah yes, but let us waste no more time on the dusty old past.” She looked Rainbow over, still struggling in her magic. “My sister’s prized student.” Rainbow shuddered. From the grip of her magic to the look in her eye, everything about Nightmare Moon was cold and lifeless.
“I’ve watched you for some time, you know.” She flicked Rainbow’s mane with her magic. “Your dreams were most … enlightening.”
Rainbow Dash felt her entire body grow hot and cold all in a matter of seconds. What had she seen in her dreams? Possibly everything: every thought she had for how to stop Nightmare Moon, every fantasy, private thought, embarrassing memory, all her secret wants and desires … Rainbow wanted to throw up.
The mare of darkness chuckled at her obvious discomfort. “It’s nothing worse than anything else I’ve seen in the minds of thousands of other ponies. They were very vivid, at least.” Her smile turned cruel. “I can tell you, it was nothing less than a delight for me after a thousand years of exile to know that my sister’s sense of humor remained unchanged. The most bull-headed, intractable, unimpressive dullard in all of Equestria … of course she would choose you to be her protégé! What a joke!”
“Shut up!” Rainbow barked. “That’s a load of horseapples!”
“Come now, how can I be mistaken when I’ve been in your own head?” Sharp teeth glinted in a nasty grin. “The mare who cannot perform her precious Rainboom, who even after all these years is out of her depth in Canterlot—and we both know you have no actual idea how to stop me. In your darkest dreams you know the truth, no matter how much you try to deny it. Now Celestia is gone. You failed her because You. Are. Not. Worthy.”
Rainbow clenched her jaw so hard, it hurt. “I’m going to buck you right in the dark side of your moon!”
With a toss of her head and a flash of her horn, Nightmare Moon sent Rainbow hurtling through the closed door. She sailed out into the main hall just in time to hear Ponyville’s Mayor announce, “…the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria: Quee—my word?!”
There was a shocked gasp as Rainbow went careening into the refreshment table, which broke upon impact. Her vision exploded into stars.
“Rainbow Dash!” She faintly heard somepony—or perhaps ponies—calling her but it sounded like she had cotton in her ears. Reaching up to check, she found it was actually cake frosting. Shaking her head she then looked up to see her friends and recent acquaintances looking down at her with varying expressions of concern and worry. Several of them were offering hooves to help her up, but she pushed them all away. “Shining Armor?” she grunted in a daze. The others stepped back to allow the captain of the guard access.
He knelt down beside her. “I’m right here, Dashie. What happened? Are you okay? Where’s Queen Celestia?”
Swallowing a bitter lump, Rainbow looked down. “Gone.”
Shining Armor’s eyes went wide. “What do you mean gone? She left?”
Rainbow shook her head slowly. She didn't want to say the words. Saying it would make it final.
“What happened?” he urged. “What’s going on?!”
Rainbow Dash pointed to the balcony where Queen Celestia was to appear—only now it was occupied by Nightmare Moon herself.
“Oh, my beloved subjects,” the Nightmare crowed. “It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces.”
“What did you do with the Queen?!” Shining Armor demanded. His horn began to glow menacingly as two pegasi guards flanked him on either side.
Nightmare Moon chuckled. “Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?”
Rainbow faintly heard Pinkie Pie going on about something, but she wasn’t listening. She was glaring up at the Nightmare so intently, another pony might’ve thought she could strike her down with her mind.
Shining Armor’s face looked carved from stone. “Where is Queen Celestia? Answer me!”
“Celestia is no more. I am your Queen. The true queen you always should have known, before my lying sister stole what was rightfully mine! Now, bow before Nightmare Moon!”
Startled gasps and cries tore through the assembled ponies. “Never!” Shining’s horn shimmered and a pink sphere was conjured, trapping Nightmare Moon inside. The pegasus guards flew up and maintained position on either side of the bubble. “I place you under arrest in the name of—”
“Foals!” Nightmare bellowed. Her ethereal mane and tail enveloped her, filling the entire sphere with opaque mist. Soon the sphere started to strain and, despite all of Shining Armor’s efforts, it shattered. Once again Nightmare Moon stood revealed, her usually teal eyes white with magic. She conjured up lightning from the dark clouds that issued from her own mane and tail and wielded them to deadly effect. The two pegasi guards were struck and sent hurtling down to the ground where they lay unconscious.
Pandemonium reigned. Terrified foals cried for their parents as ponies tried to rush for the door, only to have them magically sealed before they could escape. Fluttershy’s bird chorus panicked and flew this way and that, huddling in the rafters. Fluttershy herself was frozen in place, covering her head and trembling.
Shining Armor focused and sent out a beam of magical energy straight at Nightmare Moon. She swatted it aside with ease.
“Shiny! Run!” Rainbow Dash called. But Shining Armor stood firm, summoning a shield in front of him with his magic. The lightning cut through his shield as if it weren’t there and struck him dead on. With a pained yell, the brave guard collapsed, smoking.
“Shining Armor!” Rainbow and Twilight called out as they charged forward to check on him. They breathed a sigh of relief when they saw him stir. The wounded stallion groaned but was unable to climb to his hooves.
From above, Nightmare Moon regarded the terrified ponies below. “Are there any others who would challenge me?”
Silence reigned until the sharp cry of a foal broke out. The dark queen glared at the source of the noise: a little filly sobbing fitfully. Dinky! Rainbow realized with horror. Derpy, seeing the monster’s attention being drawn to her daughter, did what any mother would. “You stay away from my muffin!” Derpy cried, flying up in an attempt to distract Nightmare Moon.
“Derpy, don’t!” Cloud Kicker shouted, quickly following after her.
Rainbow took to the air just as the two were struck down by more lightning, falling to the floor in a heap. A surge of anger ran through her, one so intense she could barely hear the panicking ponies below. But one sound did cut through.
“Mommy!”
It was Dinky, wailing as she tried to run to her mother’s side, held back only by the rush of the crowd. Cloud Kicker’s little sister, Alula, had no better luck.
Seeing her friends in a crumpled heap brought her right back to the loss of Celestia. Rainbow gave a wordless cry of rage and hurled herself straight at the dark tyrant without even being conscious of having made the decision. Nightmare Moon snorted derisively—right before Rainbow’s hoof solidly impacted against her cheek. Rainbow grinned fiercely, but her surprise blow did not even cause Nightmare Moon’s head to turn. She was soon bound again with magic, regarded like an interesting bug that had flown up to the Nightmare's face.
The wicked mare held her aloft. “Behold Rainbow Dash—the student and protégé of Queen Celestia.” Rainbow couldn’t help casting her eyes over to where Applejack and the others were gathered.
The farmpony’s eyes widened as she repeated “Queen Celestia’s student? Rainbow Dash?”
Pinkie whistled. “Oooh … I bet her tests are really, really hard!”
Rainbow winced. There it is then.
“Let her fate serve as an example to those who would oppose me!” Nightmare Moon's eyes shimmered.
Rainbow Dash tensed, waiting for something horrible to happen. It did but not in the way she expected.
Chancing a quick glance, Dash saw the dark mare’s focus was not on her, but on the crowd below. Derpy and Cloud Kicker floated upwards like marionettes on strings, still unconscious. Fluttershy started to be lifted as well, thrashing about in a panic. A pegasus Rainbow recognized from flightcamp named Blossomforth, one of Derpy and Cloud’s coworkers, leaped in to help. She managed to pull Fluttershy back down, but was soon enveloped in Nightmare Moon’s magic herself.
If Nightmare Moon noticed the substitution, or cared, she gave no sign of it.
An extension of her dark mane and tail swirled around and enveloped the three pegasi. Rainbow struggled and the crowd looked up with sheer terror. When the cloud drew back, in place of Derpy, Cloud and Blossomforth, there were three pegasi with bat-like wings. They wore purple and black uniforms with gold tinted goggles that were a cruel parody of the Wonderbolts uniforms. Their eyes glowed with malice as they flew under their own power, circling around their master.
“These, shall be my minions.”
Rainbow felt her jaw drop. “Guys?” Ice shot through her veins. “No … do you hear me? It’s me, Rainbow Dash!”
Derpy Doo, or at least the mare who now stood in her place, regarded her with an impassive sneer. Nightmare Moon smiled cruelly. “I don’t think she recognizes you or that name.” Turning to her minions she asked, “Tell us, who are you? What is your purpose?”
“Align and advance,” Blossomforth hissed, flying past Rainbow Dash on one side.
Advance and attack,” said Cloud Kicker as she passed her on the other.
Derpy Doo smiled wickedly. “Attack and destroy.”
As one, all three proclaimed, "Destroy and rejoice!"
Derpy bowed her head to Nightmare Moon, followed by her two companions. “We are the Shadowbolts!”
Anguish and fury warred for dominance on Rainbow's face. As if seeing her friends being transformed into whatever they were wasn’t horrific enough, Nightmare Moon had to go and pervert the name and image of the Wonderbolts too. No chance that wasn’t deliberate. But even that thought was soon drowned out by the rising torrent that swirled in Rainbow's head. Celestia was gone, her friends were captured and nothing she did even fazed Nightmare Moon. This wasn't how this was supposed to go!
Nightmare Moon laughed. “Wonderful! And now, for my captain.” Her eyes turned white once again and a large white unicorn started to float up in the air.
“No!” Twilight cried. “Shining Armor!” Her horn flashed purple as she tried to tug her brother back down to the ground. “You can’t take him! Let him go!”
A bolt of lightning struck the ground right in front of her, knocking Twilight back and breaking her focus. “Who’s going to stop me?” Nightmare Moon asked. “You? Obviously not. How could you ever hope to contend against your betters when you can’t even control your own magic?” For some reason, those words seemed to hurt Twilight more than the lightning bolt had.
Soon Shining Armor hovered before Nightmare Moon. She cast an evil look at Rainbow who was struggling with all her strength to break free. “Say farewell.”
“Let him go!” Rainbow struggled. “If you don’t I’ll … I’ll…” She grunted, trying to think of an appropriate threat.
“What will you do, little pony?” Nightmare Moon chuckled. “Squirm helplessly? But I am a merciful queen. I’ll spare your little … friend here. You need but ask. Nicely.”
Dash gritted her teeth so hard they threatened to break. “Let Shining Armor go … let them all go. Please.”
“I don’t believe you really mean it,” decreed the mare of darkness. “Do these ponies mean so little to you? Go on, beg! I want to hear you grovel.”
Rainbow Dash felt hot tears of helpless rage and humiliation build in her eyes but she refused to give her the satisfaction. She had to clamp down on the urge to scream and curse this thing until her throat was raw. But with her friends at stake she forced herself to choke out. “Please … let Shining Armor and the others go. I’ll do … whatever you want.”
Nightmare Moon tossed her head and laughed. “Ah, but that’s the problem you little foal. Right now, what I want is to crush that fiery spirit of yours. To watch Celestia’s student crumble before me. It would be foal's play to kill you, but why do something so simple and crude when I could wound you far more deeply? A fitting example for all Equestria to see.” She dismissively tossed Rainbow Dash against the wall. The back of Rainbow’s head exploded in pain as stars spun in her eyes. She dimly saw Nightmare Moon envelop Shining Armor just as she had done with the pegasi as he too was transformed. Dash heard Twilight’s screams and protests as Applejack held her back.
Shining Armor’s hair and coat turned dark blue, almost violet, and his armor changed colors to match his new master’s. His eyes shined the same color as the Shadowbolts’ goggles and he bowed as Nightmare Moon deposited him next to her on the balcony. The Shadowbolts joined them.
Narrowing her eyes, the new ruler of Equestria looked down on Rainbow Dash. “You have lost your teacher, your friends, your place and your pride. I have taken everything from you.” She looked back to the ponies below her and raised her voice. “If anypony dares oppose me again, you will envy her fate. Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!” She cackled, lightning striking. Her mane and tail billowed as it surrounded her and her new minions.
With a whiff and a puff of purple smoke, they were gone.
This story really drives home exactly how terrible the Nightmare is. Whether it's a parasitic entity or dark magic run amok, it doesn't just amplify the worst traits of its host; it amplifies the worst traits of its host and twists them towards nihilism. There's no way that anything that Nightmare Moon is doing here is going to compel obedience from the populace, not over the long term. It's not that she doesn't understand or realize this; she just doesn't care.
That simple fact makes her that much more threatening, and more importantly, it's the sort of threatening where I recognize in the back of my mind that Rainbow Dash is going to win, but in the rest of my mind, I'm not convinced that she will. Especially now that there is precedent in other media for a future where she doesn't: The good guys might actually lose this one.
I really like this change to the Shadowbolts. It makes their temptation much more personal.
9671960
How do you mean?
Oh boy. I did not see this coming. But, good shit regardless.
Widdle Woona's having a temper tantrum. ;)
Okay, all seriousness, damned fine writing with her. Dash is at her lowest, but that means there's nowhere to go but up.
Well... damn. That is a surpirsingly dark and morbid scenario.
And now introducing Equestria's equivelant to Jeffrey Cuddletrousers.
9671800
Well, first off, Nightmare is Luna.
Yeah. She's a tyrant, that's kind of the point. Or more specifically, she's everything that she wishes she was. Or more more specifically, everything she thinks she "needs" to face what Celestia "is."
Lets face, Celestia, or the notion of her, is pretty terrifying.
I'd say... yes and no. Remember she's not exactly in the best state of mind, to say the least, and she is, ultimately, acting in a frame of mind from centuries of loneliness and wanting her little ponies love and respect.
... Ehh, yeah I guess. Its more the edgy teenager version of nihilism, as opposed to the notion of you taking control of your own existence then relying on emotional crutches
9675041
There’s more than one philosophical branch of nihilism; we see at least two of them represented here.
9675653
Ah, philosophy.
AKA arguing
I will admit there is a rather.... strange allure to the philosopy. However, I'd also say that nihilism is hardly a philosophy to aspire too. I find the works best observed like the ebola wolverine. While holding a chair and a cattle prod while standing behind shatterproof glass with the option of lithium
9676188
Well, at least we agree that nihilism is not a philosophy to aspire towards!
I do always find the whole magical corruption plotline gripping. I'm really interested to see what a 'dark' Shining Armor will be like!
This is a very interesting chapter and the fact that Nightmare Moon deliberately uses Rainbow's friends is a nice touch.
it would have been beter for Nightmare if she had just corrupted Rainbow, just saying. she is not very smart, but hé, what supervillian is? amazing work so far as I have read, and then to think that I have read the original.
Add a comma here.
‘Blare’ most commonly means to emit a loud noise. I don’t think the word choice works here. Her eyes filled with rage, blazed with rage, darkened with rage, flashed with rage, boiled with rage, all perhaps better choices.
Unnecessary comma after unimpressive.
Add a comma or a colon after announce.
Consider removing unnecessary thats:
Rewrite: Rainbow clenched her jaw so hard, it hurt.
Rewrite: Reaching up to check, she found it was actually cake frosting.
Add a couple commas here.
This is a peculiar description. Everypony in the room should be gazing up in horror at Nightmare Moon right now, but apparently, there are multiple ponies studying the expression on Rainbow’s face, and they’re all wondering if she might have telekinesis. I get what it’s going for, but the phrasing is just a little bit clumsy.
Some possible rewrites:
“Rainbow Dash faintly heard Pinkie Pie going on about something, but she wasn’t listening. She was glaring up at the Nightmare so intently, another pony might’ve thought she could strike her down with her mind.”
“Rainbow Dash faintly heard Pinkie Pie going on about something, but she wasn’t listening. She was glaring up at the Nightmare so intently, she would’ve struck her down with her mind, if only she were a unicorn.”
There’s probably something even more elegant and creative you could do here, I just don't have the imagination for it.
‘Carved from granite’ is another way of saying ‘stone-faced,’ which is the same thing as saying Shining Armor’s face was expressionless. I’m not sure if that’s what you intend to go for here, or if you’re looking for a way to say Shining Armor was really pissed off. Either way, I think this would be stronger if you went for the metaphor: “Shining Armor’s face was carved from granite” or “Shining Armor’s face was granite-carved.”
Consider stripping out unnecessary action beats like this one. It’s evident that Nightmare Moon is the one talking because 1. the dialogue comes in immediate response to Shining Armor’s inquiry, and 2. the dialogue begins with “I am your Queen.”
Whenever possible, let the dialogue stand on its own without dialogue tags or action beats. This will improve the flow of the narrative and the drama of the scene.
There’s a few problems with this paragraph. Several missing commas. ‘Her teal-eyes white,’ not totally sure what this means or why it’s hyphenated. (Are her eyes teal or white?) ‘They laid unconscious’ isn’t grammatically correct, should be ‘They lay unconscious.’
Cried for the parents or cried for their parents?
I think it’s consistent with Rainbow’s bravado to grin fiercely after punching Nightmare Moon in the face, but at the same time, I’m not sure how much bravado she would have left at this point. She’s just come face-to-face with Nightmare Moon, gotten beat up and picked apart, seen her friends and the love of her life get blasted, and — most importantly — watched Celestia, her teacher and second mother, die right in front of her eyes. If the circumstances were different and there were less on the line, I could see Rainbow grinning in satisfaction — but this isn’t quite the same as going ham on the changeling invasion or decking the dragon in Dragonshy. I should think she would be a bit more desperate here, not as smug. All in all, it’s a bit hard to pin down Rainbow’s emotional state here, because there isn’t a lot said about it.
The truth comes out!
The story’s formatting has been inconsistent for a while now with respect to ellipses. Sometimes, there’s a space before an ellipsis and the word that precedes it; sometimes, there isn’t one. Here, the first ellipsis is offset with a space, and the second one isn’t. According to grammatical rules, there’s no reason for there to be a space.
This is closer to how I imagine Rainbow’s emotional state would be right about now. I think the story would be strengthened if we saw more of the events of this chapter through the lens of her desperation… Most everything that’s happened so far has been told from the standpoint of an impartial observer, not through the context of Rainbow’s own emotions.
Even here, I think it falls a bit short, because Rainbow’s reaction is being framed around her humiliation and her helplessness. Helplessness is understandable if it’s in the context of her being helpless to save her friends. She is Loyalty, after all. But humiliation is a selfish, self-centered emotion. It’s a bit strange and off-putting that humiliation should be a reason for Rainbow’s tears, when she has so many other reasons to cry right now — none more so than bereavement over Celestia, which has gone oddly unmentioned in this chapter aside from a brief mention of pain squeezing Rainbow’s heart early on.
I mean, it’s dumb for Nightmare Moon to leave a loose end like Rainbow Dash free. She probably oughta be carted off to the deepest, darkest dungeon in Canterlot and left there in shackles for the rest of her natural life, doomed with the knowledge of her failure. At the same time, this is Nightmare Moon, whose brilliant plan to thwart the Mane Six was to cut the mustache off a sea serpent, so maybe it’s not totally out of character for her to carry the idiot ball a little. I do think brief one or two chapter jailbreak diversion might have been interesting, and a nice opportunity to put the brakes on the story to allow Rainbow’s emotions to breathe a little.
10486870
Thanks again!
In no particular order or emphasis:
The granite thing was trying to be a somewhat more poetic way of using the expression "his face could've been carved from stone" to show how hard and unmmoving his expression was once it's been set. He's all business.
I was trying to say that NMM's eyes were normally teal but were now turned white when she used her magic (which is a thing from the show).
The ellipses thing is another point where I get different info from different sources. Basically it goes like this: you can put space on either side of an ellipsis if it's in the middle of a sentence. It's neither right nor wrong, just a different style, like the use or non-use of the Oxford comma. But regardless of that, if an ellipses is at the end of a sentence, you can't put any spaces there since you can't well have the punctuation mark (in this case a quotation mark) floating off in the middle of nowhere.
As for Dash's state of being: her grin was out of satisfaction, not smugness; hence why it's a fierce grin rather than a happy grin or a proud one or anything else. To have finally struck a blow was cathartic and she felt like she was finally doing something. Related to your other point about there not being enough of Rainbow being sad Celestia is gone, the fact is that Rainbow is a very in-the-now kind of character. However upset she is about Celestia being gone, having Nightmare Moon be right -there- kinda has that take priority so that's what she's focusing on. She is the sort of character who pushes emotions she doesn't want to deal with right now to the side to focus on whatever is in front of her. She has a bit of tunnel-vision in that way, and it means that the emotions she doesn't want to deal will come back and smack her when she stops for a moment and isn't running on adrenaline (see next chapter for proof of that). On a related note: you missed that tears were out of rage AND humiliation, everything in the last few minutes adding up and hitting her all at once, rage over what NMM did to her friends (including Celestia) and to her.
Also, Shining is not the love of RD's life. That's been scaled way back here but even in the first one I'd be dubious about framing it that way.
As for Nightmare Moon and not dealing with Dash: possibly more than just about any other MLP villain, Nightmare Moon is ruled by her ego. She is literally a creation of Luna's ego; her hurt feelings and bruised pride and jealousy made manifest. We don't see her coming up with any clever plans like Tirek or Chrysalis or Cozy Glow. Besides, for her to spend the effort to imprison someone suggests that she's actually afraid of what they could do to her if left free; which she'd never admit to and probably would never even occur to her that anyone else short of Celestia -could- be a threat to her. The only reason she bothered with Dash at all was because (a) she was there, (b) she was Celestia's student and thus a surrogate for her denied revenge and (c) Dash provoked her. If not for (a) and (c) NMM probably wouldn't have bothered with her at all.
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That said, I do get what you mean about not enough of Rainbow's own thoughts and emotions being conveyed via her rather than narration. Let me know if you have any concrete suggestions.
Have to cut out here due to needing to get up for work in the morning, but I do enjoy the more sadistic take on Nightmare Moon than what we got in the show. The addition of Shining Armor to the Shadowbolts that you had in the original version of this is good, since it cuts Dash that much more deeply. I do wish Blossomforth had been a bit more developed rather than just "and also, she's gonna be a Shadowbolt too".
10663211
Hm, yeah. It was changed for reasons of balance and symmetry. Originally it was Derpy and two minor guards, but once I realized Rainbow would have more friends and added Cloud Kicker to the bargain, it felt weird to have it be just "and one random guard" filling out the trio. That's when the idea of NMM making a grab for Fluttershy but getting some other pegasus came into things. I suppose I could've added Blossomforth as another old friend of Rainbow's, but that felt like stuffing the already sizeable cast and she wouldn't have gotten much more development out of it.
I was wondering whether Rainbow's non-mane 6 friends would be part of the fight against Nightmare Moon or not. On one hand, it would be weird for the adventure to not be the mane 6, but on the other hand, it would be weirder for Rainbow to not include her older friends. Turning them into the Shadowbolts is downright brilliant.
Other subtle and clever alterations: instead of Rainbow saying "What did you do with the Princess?!" in the show, here it was Shining Armor who said it. Instead of Applejack holding back Rainbow from attacking Nightmare Moon she has to hold back Twilight.