Chapter 14
The next five minutes were a blur. As soon as Nightmare Moon and her new entourage vanished, ponies burst through the doors and windows of town hall, eager to flee to the largely imaginary safety of their homes. Rainbow Dash had propped herself against the wall. She’d taken harder knocks than Nightmare Moon tossing her around, but it wasn’t the physical pain that made it hard for her to stand.
While everypony else had beat a hasty retreat, Twilight sat down in the last spot where she’d seen her brother and started sobbing. Joining her were Dinky, who had just lost her mother, and Alula, who had lost her sister. They held each other, crying and sharing their pain. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie had their hooves wrapped around them in a comforting embrace.
Part of Rainbow wanted to go over and join them. But she couldn't. She'd been the one to badger Queen Celestia into bringing the Summer Sun Celebration to Ponyville. She'd been the one who wanted to involve Derpy and Cloud Kicker in her great adventure to stop Nightmare Moon; she'd dreamt about it often enough. Which meant she might as well have painted big targets on their backs.
Two years of preparing for this day and when it had come, it took Nightmare Moon barely five minutes to beat her down and walk away with her best friends. Rainbow banged her head against the wall.
How had it all gone this wrong? How had she failed this badly?
“Rainbow Dash? How’re you holding up?” She looked up to see Applejack and Rarity staring down at her. Rainbow sighed and looked away. “That bad, huh?” Applejack sat down next to her. Rarity scrunched her face at the dirty floor and settled for levitating a pillow over for her to sit on.
“Just go,” Rainbow exhaled.
“Ain’t happening.” Applejack placed her hoof on Dash’s shoulder. “Mind filling us in?”
When she didn’t answer, Applejack nudged her a bit more insistently.
“Why didn’t you tell us? You here on some sort of super-special mission from the Queen?”
Rainbow shook her head.
“Well then, what?”
Rainbow swallowed. “I just—I just wanted to get away for a bit. That’s all.”
“‘That’s all’?!” The three mares looked to see a furious, teary-eyed Twilight Sparkle glaring at them. “Y-you took a vacation right before Nightmare Moon was going to come back?! If it weren’t for you Shining Armor wouldn’t have been here! It’s your fault he’s—he’s gone!” Her voice hitched and she burst into a fresh wave of tears as Pinkie and Fluttershy held her.
“I didn’t know!” Rainbow Dash protested. “I didn’t know she was coming back now!"
Her qualifier didn't go unnoticed. ”So you did know she was gonna be coming coming sometime?" Applejack demanded. "Why the hay weren't you preparing for it?"
“That’s what I was trying to do!” Rainbow exploded. “But Celestia kept trying to pull me away from my training and we had a fight about it! I came to Ponyville to get more practice in by fighting monsters, but everypony told me that it was crazy so I did take a break and then...”
“That don’t square with you not telling me!” Applejack insisted. “You were sleeping under my roof, filling all them foals in town head's with your skyjocking and you didn’t even have the common decency to tell me? What if Nightmare Moon came looking for you at my home?”
Rarity stepped forward. “Applejack, that’s hardly fair. I know she takes her responsibilities as the royal student very seriously.”
“Wait, you knew too?” Applejack’s frown returned with interest as she looked back to Rainbow. “You told her but you didn’t tell me?” The hurt in her tone was unmistakable. “For pony’s sake, you can barely stand her!”
Rarity’s nostrils flared. “Well perhaps you’d have known too if you read anything from Canterlot—or really, read anything at all...”
“So that means Twilight knew too?” Applejack threw her hat down in frustration. “Dagnabbit, I can see Fluttershy figuring they’re old friends. What, did Pinkie know too? Was I the only pony in town who didn’t know? Bet you all thought it was funny, pulling the wool over the simple ol’ farmpony...”
“Stop making it all so personal, Applejack!” Rarity snapped. “As hard as this may be for you to believe, this is not about you!”
“Well, if that ain’t the rooster calling the hen cocky!”
“That doesn’t even make any sense!”
“That’s enough!” Fluttershy’s sudden outburst surprised everypony, herself not least among them. “This isn’t helping,” she said in a lower voice as she stroked Twilight’s mane. “Rainbow would never put anypony in danger. She protects ponies.”
There was a lull that was finally broken by Rainbow. “I swear, I didn’t know Nightmare Moon was coming back now. If I did I—I don’t know what I would’ve done, but I wouldn’t have put any of you in danger. You believe me, don’t you?” She looked up at Applejack, silently pleading for her to understand. Her face fell when she saw Applejack’s expression.
“I—I don’t rightly know,” she admitted. “It does seem a mite peculiar that the Queen wouldn’t want you to train more if Nightmare Moon was coming back. I dunno. I mean, I don’t like it when ponies lie to me. Especially ones I thought were my friends.”
Rainbow winced. “It’s not like that!”
“Then why didn’t you tell us about being her student? How could you not know about this Nightmare situation?” Applejack demanded. “We all have family here in Ponyville who’re in danger now.”
Rainbow shot to her hooves, her wings spread in a fight or flight response. “Because everypony expects Celestia’s student to be like her: to have all the answers and be smart enough and diplomatic enough and beautiful enough to do anything she wanted and—and I’m not that, okay? I’m the pony who can fly and fight and—I’m just not her.”
Nopony was, Rainbow added in her mind. There's nopony else like Celestia in all the world. Now she's gone and... she shook her head.
Rarity looked at her, sympathy in her eyes. “Darling…”
Rainbow ploughed ahead. “I swear, I didn’t mean to leave you out, AJ. And I am going to stop Nightmare Moon and fix all this.” She glanced over to Twilight before looking around one by one and imploring them to believe her.
Applejack regarded her carefully, her green eyes boring into Rainbow’s. She finally sighed. “Alright. I believe you.”
Rainbow Dash sunk to the ground in relief, not realizing quite how much she needed that support until she'd gotten it.
Pinkie came over to give her a hug. “It’s okay, Rainbow. We know it only takes one pony to be a party-pooper and ruin everypony’s day, and it isn’t you.”
“Pinkie’s right,” Fluttershy piped up before shrinking down again. “I’ve known Rainbow for a long time. She’d never abandon anypony who needed her.”
Applejack agreed with a soft sigh. “I’m sorry. I guess I was just afraid for my family. We all are. I’m supposin’ we forgot that you lost ponies you care about too, didn’t you?”
Rainbow hung her head. "Shining Armor bailed my sorry flank out of trouble so many times—even when everypony was furious with me. He was the best stallion I ever met."
Her throat tightened and she swallowed, hard. "Derpy and Cloud … they’re my oldest friends. We've been best buds since forever and they stuck with me through everything, even after I left for Canterlot. Derpy’s practically like my big sister." She had to fight to keep her face from crumpling up. "S-she made me the godmother to her foal a-and Cel—" Now her throat closed up completely, unable to even get Celestia's name out.
Twilight bit her lip before throwing herself at Rainbow Dash. The other ponies shrieked and started to move to pull her off until they saw Twilight sobbing as she hugged Rainbow. “I’m so sorry! When I saw Shining Armor just…” Her whole body shuddered. “I’m sorry…”
“It—it’s okay.” Rainbow awkwardly patted her on the back. “I know.”
Twilight pulled back so she could look at Dash in the face. “I—I’m sure the Queen left you some sort of contingency plan, right? I mean, she must’ve said something, right?”
“I don’t—” Rainbow started again, but couldn’t even get a full sentence out.
“Maybe she told you some sort of code or a riddle for you to solve? Somepony for you to meet for more information? I mean she would’ve had to leave you something: a plan, a warning, anything!” Twilight protested, her need for some sort of hope pushing her to the point of being frantic. “Come on Rainbow, think!”
“I’m sure she’s doing her best,” Fluttershy offered before Rainbow exploded with frustration.
Celestia would have all the answers. She'd have it all figured out. As her student, everypony expected her the same from Rainbow. But she wasn't that pony. She wasn't Celestia.
“Okay, okay! I admit it, okay? I. Am. Dumb. Dumb as a post! No, I take it back—there’s dumb, there’s stupid and then there’s me!” Her voice was raw as she shouted. “You know it, I know it, Nightmare Moon knows it—hay, Celestia knew it! That’s probably why she didn’t bother to tell me anything, she knew I’d just mess it up!” Rainbow choked, her voice cracking and her wings twitching in agitation. "And I did!"
“Aw sugarcube.” Applejack held her tightly. “S’okay. None of us think that so don’t you go and believe it neither.”
Rainbow Dash fiercely hugged the farmpony back, the others quickly joining in. She soon felt a new presence on her left hind leg. Looking down she saw little Dinky rubbing her head against Dash’s leg, still whimpering. “Aww Dinks...” Rainbow gently scooped up the little filly and hugged her close, even as the others continued to support her.
Alula hung back, trying to act big and tough even as her lip trembled and she rubbed a hoof roughly across her eyes. Applejack lowered her hat onto her head, giving her the privacy she needed.
Rainbow felt her heart break all over again. Celestia might be gone ... but there's still a chance to get Derpy and Cloud back. I'm not going to just sit here and feel sorry for myself while they still need me. I have friends who need saving and a monster who needs putting down and I'm the only pony who can do it. This is what Celestia would want me to do.
She took a deep breath, forcing all her sadness down and pushing the sense of futility and failure that had just overwhelmed her back. Now was the time to focus on the mission. "Don’t you worry, Dinks. I’m gonna go get your mom back.” She looked over to Alula. “And Cloud.”
Dinky sniffled. “R-really?”
“I’ll bring her back.” She looked over at Twilight. “I’m going to bring them all back. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a muffin in my eye!”
The little filly let out a sigh of relief and practically collapsed against Rainbow Dash’s chest. To a foal, a promise from an adult they trusted was worth its weight in bits. Dinky yawned and soon drifted off to sleep, exhausted.
“Poor dear…” Rarity gently lifted her up with her magic, settling her down on her back. With a practiced hoof she drew Alula in for a hug as well.
“I meant every word,” Rainbow swore. She flapped her wings, hovering in mid-air. “I’m going to find Nightmare Moon and when I do, I’m gonna plant all four of my hooves right up her—”
Applejack bit down on her tail and jerked her head down. “Whoa there!” She gently tugged Dash back to the ground.
Rainbow Dash looked at the pony who had her tail in her mouth. “Ugh, this isn’t gonna become a thing is it? Cuz I really don’t like pony drool in my tail.”
Rolling her eyes, Applejack spat out the offending hair. “Yeah, like I really like the taste of your behind in my mouth. Listen sugarcube, you can’t go rearin’ off on yer own. Hay, you don’t even know where the varmint went!”
In her renewed fervor, that had slipped her mind. “So?”
“So,” Applejack spelled it out, “first thing is, you've gotta tell us everything you know, everything the Queen told you.”
Rainbow Dash rubbed her face. “Alright, fine…“ She told them everything Celestia had said after their talk, about the legend of Nightmare Moon, her banishment, Celestia’s decision and her reasons for it—everything Rainbow could remember. Once she finished, she waited for Twilight to finish scribbling everything down. Where she had gotten the quill and parchment from, she had no idea, deciding not to question it. When that was completed Rainbow looked around. “So, now what?”
Twilight frowned as she weighed it all in her head. “I—I don’t know. I thought for sure that there would’ve been something that could have told us how Nightmare Moon was stopped in the first place. But what the Queen said was—”
“Short, vague, utterly useless,” Rainbow Dash checked off, “and totally consistent with what I've come to expect from Celestia.”
Rarity looked at her. “You could show a bit more respect, dear.”
Dash snorted. “Heh, if Celestia were here she’d be the first to agree with me.” Her rueful, bittersweet smile faded quickly. “If she were here we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.” She kicked the wall in frustration.
Pinkie patted her shoulder. “It’s okay, I know how you feel. It’s times like this that make me wish I listened to what my mom told me.”
“Why, what did she tell you?” Applejack asked from beside her.
“I don’t know, I didn’t listen.” Pinkie shrugged. “Were you not listening to me when I told you I didn’t listen to my mom?”
Applejack just groaned.
“Well, I suppose we could go to the library and look up any information on the legends of Nightmare Moon and find out just how she was banished ourselves,” Twilight suggested. “I seem to remember at least one book—”
“A library?” Rainbow didn’t try to hide her incredulity. “I really don't think there's a book in the reference section on How To Banish Evil Mares of Darkness For Dummies, now with sixty new pages of glossy pictures!” She regretted saying it when she saw Twilight duck her head down and look away. Rainbow rubbed her face, feeling an oncoming headache. “Great. The whole world is falling into ruin and we’re going to the library. Even at the end of the world I can’t get away from studying.”
Fluttershy gave her a shy nuzzle. “Oh, it won’t be so bad Rainbow. With the six of us, I’m sure it’ll go faster.”
“It might be good if some of us got some rest while the others looked,” Applejack tossed out.
Rainbow’s eyes widened and she shook her head. “Wait—I just remembered, we can’t. Nopony can go to sleep.”
“Why not?” Applejack snorted. “Bull-rushing through this ain’t gonna help.”
“No! Because Nightmare Moon can see into our dreams!” Rainbow blurted out. “If we find out something useful and then fall asleep, she can totally look into our heads and find out!”
Everypony looked decidedly uncomfortable at the prospect of somepony peering into their dreams. Fluttershy blushed. “O-oh my…”
Twilight winced. “Then that means … we have to stay awake until she’s defeated.”
“And we’ve spent the whole night partying and haven’t gotten any shut-eye since the night before.” Applejack grimaced. “That’s gonna be a royal pain in the hindquarters, make no mistake.”
Rainbow groaned. “Especially since we have to read through an entire library in the hope of finding something—anything!—we can actually do before going out and actually doing it!”
“It’s not like any of us have any better ideas,” Applejack reminded her.
“Ooh, I have an idea!” Pinkie Pie waved her hoof high in the air and wiggled it, like a foal in class who really, really wanted to be called on. “Pick me, pick me!”
“Any better ideas that don’t involve parties?” Applejack amended.
Pinkie frowned. “Not all of my ideas are about parties, you know. I was going to say that if you want to hear about old legends, you should find an old pony who knows them all, because legends are like campfire stories and those don’t all get written down and put into books because, really, who ever read a campfire story from a book? Nopony, because a campfire isn’t very good reading light plus you might drop the book in the fire and that’d be awful. Q&A!”
“I think you mean, Q.E.D., as in quod erat demonstrandum,” Twilight offered.
“No, I meant Q&A, as in ‘Question and Answer.’ Applejack asked me a question and I answered it.” She patted Twilight’s head. “Silly pony.”
Rarity delicately cleared her throat. “In any case, it’s an interesting idea, but it’s not as though anypony is likely know anything about more Nightmare Moon beyond the Nightmare Night stories.” She bit her lip. “Well, there is—”
“Enough, Rarity.” Applejack shot her a warning look.
Twilight was confused. “What did—?”
With a shake of her head, Applejack stopped Twilight mid-sentence. “She didn’t mean anything by it. There ain’t no pony in Ponyville who knows anything about Nightmare Moon and that’s all there is to it.”
Rainbow Dash looked Applejack in the eye. “Is that so, huh?”
“That’s what I said!” The Applejack responded. “Rarity too!” Her eyes suddenly twitched to the side, not able to fully meet Rainbow’s gaze.
A light went off over Rainbow’s head. After shooing Pinkie and her candle away, Rainbow turned back to Applejack. “You didn’t say the same thing. You said ‘in Ponyville.’ That’s not what Rarity said.” She narrowed her eyes. “Is there somepony around here, not necessarily in Ponyville, who might know something?”
“Just leave it, Rainbow.” Applejack warned. “You don’t want her help.”
“Yeah,” Pinkie added cheerfully. “It’s not like the world is coming to an end or anything!”
“Not helping, Pinkie,” Applejack grumbled.
“Her who?” Twilight asked. Fluttershy eeped and hid behind Rarity. “What are you talking about? Who are you talking about?”
Fluttershy swallowed nervously. “Z-Z—”
“Don’t even say that name!” Applejack said in a whispered hiss, as if afraid to be overheard. Surprisingly for Rainbow Dash, the usually calm and confident Applejack looked pale, her forehead beaded with sweat. She was scared—no, petrified.
“Will somepony just tell me what you’re all talking about?!” Rainbow raised her voice, almost waking Dinky.
“Zecora!” Pinkie Pie blurted out. “She’s this weird evil enchantress who lives out in the Everfree Forest!”
“She’s mysterious,” Fluttershy whispered.
Applejack shuddered. “Not to mention creepy.”
“Sinister,” agreed Rarity.
“And spoooooky!” Pinkie drew out the word to maximize its effect. “And possibly altogether ooky!”
Rainbow Dash and Twilight looked at each other as if to check that they heard right. “Oookay, why?”
“Why what?” Applejack asked sourly, unhappy to even be broaching this subject.
Rainbow sighed. “Why is she so mysterious, creepy, and so on?”
“The Everfree Forest just ain't natural. It’s not like the rest of Equestria. The plants grow...”
Fluttershy nodded. “Animals care for themselves...”
“And the clouds move...” Pinkie added, then paused for dramatic effect.
“All on their own!” they said together. Rainbow’s wings twitched a little at the idea of wild weather that operated without ponies. In all of Equestria, everything was controlled by ponies or pony magic: the plants, the animals, the weather. Coming to a place where nothing was controlled, nothing was planned, was like stepping back into the distant past when ponykind was at the mercy of the tyranny of the elements. She had been so focused on the Everfree as this place to practice monster fighting that she hadn’t really dwelled on the rest of it.
“T’live in a place like that … it ain’t natural!” Applejack continued. “My Granny Smith told me how she was almost eaten by Timber Wolves whenever she got too close to the forest. But Zecora goes in and out without any problem.” She shuddered. “Either she’s got some power to keep the beasts away, or she’s even worse than they are!”
Having just been face to face with a thousand year-old horror, Rainbow found she really didn’t have the time or inclination to be scared of local rumors. “If that is true, if she really is some kind of enchanter—”
“Enchantress! Evil enchantress!” Pinkie tossed in.
“—then she might know something that could help stop Nightmare Moon,” she finished, rolling her eyes at Pinkie Pie.
Applejack snorted. “Assuming she ain’t in league with her.”
“But,” Twilight slowly spoke up, “you haven’t offered any evidence that she is, or that she’s evil at all. All you’ve said is that she likes to live by herself and ponies think she’s mysterious. By that logic...” She gestured to herself.
“Right!” Rainbow Dash nodded as she passed Dinky to her. “Look, you all should hunker down somewhere and look after Dinky. I’ll go to this Zecora and see what she has to say, then go stop Nightmare Moon.”
“Hold up sugarcube—you’ll stop Nightmare Moon?” Applejack quirked an eyebrow at her. “All on your lonesome, huh?”
“I have to,” Rainbow replied bluntly. “Celestia said it was up to me … and no offense, but you guys will just slow me down.”
“But there’s no way you can do it all on your own!” Twilight argued as Applejack sputtered in indignation.
“We should totally stay together!” Pinkie agreed. “Nothing can go wrong when you’re with your friends!”
Fluttershy looked up. “Please, Rainbow Dash. You’ll get hurt if you go by yourself.”
“This is what I've been training for. I've got a way better chance of pulling this off than you guys do and I can get there faster on my own,” she countered. “Keep Dinky and Alula safe. And you guys do the same.”
Applejack had suitably recovered enough to stamp her hoof. “Now wait just a doggone blasted minute here you arrogant, hotheaded—!”
With a jaunty half-salute, Rainbow Dash flew out the window and out into the night sky, leaving her companions behind. As unnatural as it was, at least the night air was cool and crisp. After having spent the rest of the night either talking, seeing her friends vanish or getting tossed around, the chance to fly made for a welcome return to normalcy. Her wings stretched out to catch the breeze as her mane blew back. She breathed softly before pouring on speed.
Soon a rainbow trail broke the calm darkness of the night. The ponies that dared look through their shut windows and curtains felt a twinge of hope upon seeing a bright rainbow glowing all the more intensely for being at night.
Stats
Page generated in 0.019 seconds
Total duration
1,069 users online
1,983,111 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
So, the Shadowbolts are Daleks?
So Zecora will be the one to direct Rainbow to the Elements this time around? Nightmare's definitely on the lookout for them, and I wonder if Twilight might find anything.
I really enjoyed this chapter. Rainbow's lie via omission coming up, and MVP in Fluttershy to actually get everyone on track and focused.
Man lots of emotion.
Good to see Zecora so soon. But I hope Dash comes to her senses about help sooner rather than later.
Just what, exactly, has Fluttershy been dreaming of?
Pinkie is Arthur Dent ^^
9682160
Trees. Flutters has been dreaming of tall, barky, sap smelling trees.
One of the things I liked most about the original cut of this story was how it wasn't just a retelling of the first story arc with some characters shuffled around, but actually examined what those differences would mean.
I'n extremely happy to see that taken even further here.
But is she mysterious and kooky?
Transform and rise up?
9682160
I was thinking Peter Venkman.
9682424
Yes she is. And possibly a time lord :p
9683101
That might be helpful.
9682016 No, no, there wasn't even a single EXTERMINATE. Can't have Daleks without an EXTERMINATE.
So the Shadowbolts are Daleks and Zecora is related to Gomez and Morticia. Makes sense.
9690748
Hmm...
It takes a bit of work, but I have come a conclusion on that.
First of all, a cutie mark as destiny makes me think of this
The destiny thing seems to be something of a misunderstanding on most ponies part (And shit writing, can't forget that.)
A pony is not their emblem, it is merely an expression of who they are. You could no more "alter destiny" by stapling anothers cutie mark onto them then you could create a tyrant by stapling the skin of Stalin onto Ghandi.
But there are ways to... shall we say... alter behavior. To whit,
This shouldn't, mind, be confused with direct mind control. Thats relatively impossible without outright or eventual rejection of said control or causing irreparable harm to mind, body, and soul, and eventual degradation there of. Nightmare's act in this story, for example, wouldn't hold for long. Sooner or later, Cloud, Derpy's, and Blossomforths will overcome the spell, especially if Nightmare demanded they cause harm to those they loved (Derpy calling Dinky a little bitch, for example, would probably failed spectacularly, to the point of sudden alicorn and the rise of Queen of Muffins and She Who Unleashed Hiroshima Levels of B
tch Slap On Uppity 
nts) .
C
As it is, its just a glob of angst they have to wear like a bad hat until someone whacks it off with a two by four. It would have been more effective, at least in Cloud's, if it played off their carnal desires, offering... decidedly obscene pleasure in exchange for simply yielding. It seems to play off fear and a sense of universal aloneness, which can be effective, but I don't think Nightmare wants that, or is really thinking in the long term.
Of course, even that could be broken if they have enough will. But in that case it would have been especially hard for Cloud given her... proclivities. Of course it would have also pissed her off more, and that would fuel her eventual break. But it still wouldn't be out right control...
Anyway, back to cutie marks. A cutie mark, again, is not a pony, nor is it really a part of them, per say. But it does have a psychological component. We see in Our Town, and to an extent Tirek, the effect it has on ponies with its removal, although Tirek's was somewhat more dangerous given it was the result of him sucking them bone dry of mana. But they were still dangerous, and could still fight.
In Our town, we see a place holder, the sameness cutie mark. It signified submission, they choose to forgoe a mark to seek Utopia, and from their, willingly allowed their magic supressed. Now, a pony can be forced to have their magic supressed (see inhibitor rings) but the mark is the more expedient option.
And once the barrier of the emblems was broken, they returned to their owners
What does this have to do with the emblem debacle. Well, first it showed that Starwhirl was an ass hat (seriously, that spell basically said "Thank you beloved friends for being the rungs I step on to my eventual right to put on a big stupid hat and impose my will on everyone" in short, reducing other ponies as things to be used. Gee. where have I heard that before... Cloud Kicker, any thots?
)
It also showed an interesting bit of magic: you see, the spell did move cutie marks, but showed this did little to alter personality or eccentricity, but did shift drive. The marks seemed to carry, shall we say, echos of their origins, and the ponies in question then endeavored in their pursuit to the best of their knowledge.
Very little knowledge.
They didn't actually know how to do what their friends did, so could only go by what they had seen or heard, and even then, only able go by memory, and half memory when they hadn't really been paying attention. And after that, reverting somewhat back to an echo of their old mark, thus muddying the message since both marks would be at work to some degree.
In short, you can transfer much, but not memories, personality, or experience.
I have the impression that everyponies reaction whose friends with Cloud. She's the lecherous blonde horse equivelant of that cat you look at and say "why did I let you in again?" Not saying she's a bad person, just that it takes a lot to like her. Or that I'm a flint hearted bastard who just doesn't get it.
Wrong story love. And you can thank your heathen concept of faith devotion for the Celestia you have
And don't forget to blow horn your strategum like a pack of particularly chatty bats.
‘Kind of’ serves no purpose here except to weaken the sentence. ‘The next five minutes were a blur.’
Joining her were Dinky and Alula.
I’ve mentioned it before in other chapters, but paragraphs like these with mish-mashes of quotes need to be broken up. In professional writing, you will never find a paragraph that goes quote, action beat, quote, action beat, quote, action beat, quote. It’s too much. The most you’re ever likely to see is quote, action beat, quote, or the inverse; action beat, quote, action beat.
Moreover, there’s nothing even wrong with this dialogue. Given proper line breaks, it reads beautifully:
“Just go,” Rainbow exhaled.
“Ain’t happening.” Applejack placed her hoof on Dash’s shoulder. “Mind filling us in?”
When she didn’t answer, Applejack nudged her a bit more insistently.
“Why didn’t you tell us? You here on some sort of super-special mission from the Queen?”
Rainbow shook her head.
“Well then, what?”
Rainbow swallowed. “I just—I just wanted to get away for a bit. That’s all.”
That dialogue exchange is perfect. There are so many places in this story where just a small tweak here and there would really elevate it to another level of professionalism.
Yeah, Twilight has a way of doing things like this. It isn’t right, but it’s pardonable for her to lash out given the level of grief she’s experiencing.
I’m still puzzled why Rainbow isn’t more desolate over Celestia. She clearly has a closer relationship with the alicorn than even canon Twilight had, as her letters to Fluttershy attest.
Their recent spat notwithstanding, the last thing Celestia said to Rainbow was that she was effectively going to die and she didn’t know if she could ever come back. How is Rainbow not falling apart right now? For all she knows, she’s just lost someone who was close to her, who believed in her, who was always there for her, forever. I should think she would be wracked with guilt, questioning her decision to run away from Canterlot, the pointless argument she allowed to come between them, her failure to protect Derpy, Cloud Kicker, and Shining Armor, and all the decisions she’s made up to this point. That emotional component is missing here, and it doesn’t sit entirely right with me.
Oh my God. Shut the fuck up, Applejack. Jesus, why does Applejack have to be so insufferable in every story I read in this genre? She pulled the same crap over in Little Memories, too.
Applejack really is the worst. Her instinct to protect her family is totally in character. Unfortunately, so is her instinct to jump to conclusions and assume the worst with limited information. This is why I don’t like Applejack.
For what it’s worth, this is a really good trainwreck.
It's just a really muted emotional response.
This is the start of the second act. In a three-act structure, the second act is where things are their darkest, and the characters are at their lowest point. If the lows aren’t that low, that means the highs can’t be that high.
I dunno, I have issues with this. The stakes feel about as small as they did in the cartoon, which… Maybe that's the point? To try to keep tone with the cartoon? But as far as potential drama, it just feels like there’s a lot of meat left on the bone. I don’t want to speak prematurely, because I’m only halfway through the story. It’s possible the low point is still ahead.
I’ve got two problems here.
One is that the emotional gravity isn’t resonating with me. Rainbow isn’t reacting to the situation the way I think a normal person would. She’s unresponsive, detached, and aloof. If someone you love is ripped away from you, you don’t just hang your head and mope around a little. You’re desperate. You’re frantic. If someone you love is hurt or killed and any part of you is afraid it might be your fault, you’re going to be second-guessing yourself. Rainbow’s lost her mother/teacher, her best and oldest friends, the pony she’s in love with, and her entire country, all in one fell swoop. She should be going through a crisis right now, but she isn’t. There’s an emotional distance between Rainbow and the events that are transpiring around her, and that in turn creates an emotional distance between Rainbow and the reader. It’s harder to relate to her because she isn’t reacting like a real person would.
The other problem is that I’m looking for some kind of character-versus-self conflict from Rainbow, and I’m not seeing one. Rainbow Dash and Friends versus Nightmare Moon can be a good story, but what I’m also looking for is an inner struggle, Rainbow learning to overcome some personality flaw, struggling against some destructive impulse, growing as a person, becoming more complex, developing into a better version of herself. I’m not seeing that yet. It’s possible it’s still yet to be revealed… Maybe Rainbow will discover teamwork, learn that she doesn’t have to fly solo all the time, something like that. Without this component, it makes it harder for the reader to go on a compelling journey with Rainbow. I’m looking for it. I’ve got my eyes out for it.
I guess how much of a critique this is really depends on your intentions as an author. If your goal is to write a story that could pass as the pilot episode of an alternate G4 MLP where Rainbow Dash is the main character, this chapter works very well. It keeps consistency with the tone and stakes of S1E1. If I were transported to a parallel universe where Lauren Faust decided Rainbow Dash ought to be the main protagonist instead of Twilight Sparkle, I could totally envision all these events occurring within an episode of the cartoon. On the other hand, if your goal is to transcend the medium and write a really introspective character drama about Rainbow Dash that deals with more mature themes, I think it's a bit off the mark. It totally depends what spirit you're trying to capture here. Obviously, a Saturday morning cartoon intended for little kids isn't going to touch on subjects like death, grief, and guilt. It's gonna gloss over that stuff and skip right to the butt-kicking, which is basically along the lines of what this story is doing.
There’s a fleeting glimpse of self-doubt here, but it just doesn’t have any room to breathe. Instantly, Rainbow is fully recovered, back to her same old swagger, not really questioning herself, making promises she might not be able to keep. She’s unaffected, barely even rattled. I don’t know. I get that’s how canon Rainbow Dash usually reacts to situations like these, always rising to every challenge—but canon Rainbow Dash was never dealt a crushing blow like this. The closest she ever suffered was when her pet tortoise was going into hibernation for a few months, and in that situation, she completely shut down.
Eh. I dunno. At the end of the day, I guess this story is endeavoring to stick to the tone and texture of S1E1. I do feel like there’s a deeper story that could have been told here, but I’ve said enough on this topic, so I’ll move on.
Pinkie Pie is the best.
Rainbow, however, is really a dick.
Yeah, that’s kind of a problem.
Zecora?
Zecora.
I miss the Everfree Forest of season one, when it was actually dangerous, and you could randomly stumble upon a cockatrice and get turned into a statue until the end of time. It really lost its mystique in the latter seasons of the show.
I’ll point out that this paragraph is in clear violation of the rules you previously set for yourself. Rainbow has no way of knowing what’s going on inside the Shadowbolts’ heads. This knowledge is totally beyond her ken, yet you’re panning the camera away from her for a moment to focus on what’s going on with these three. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and you shouldn’t be afraid to do it now and then if it advantages the story. Hence, the point I was trying to make before with regards to the Cheerilee scene.
Consider a small rewrite here. Skimming this sentence, it’s ambiguous whether it’s the Shadowbolts who don’t know what’s ahead/behind Rainbow Dash, or if it’s Rainbow Dash who doesn’t know what’s ahead/behind.
Twilight: "Oh, over there with Rarity's fainting couch."
Or both. It could very well be both.
Applejack's honesty was featured here way better than what the show did with her lame "Let go" with no explanation.
I can't help but notice how the characters are slightly more advanced in their development arcs here compared to the show. Rarity knows how to care for little fillies and Fluttershy can speak up.
I loved the bit about Twilight and Zecora having the same rumors.