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Before Coming to Equestria

Lyra is a unicorn, commonly known to act like a human, with a strange desire to become a human, or at least, grow fingers on her hooves. Though, this isn't what it was like before.

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Comments ( 5 )

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NightmareMoon

NightmareMoon #1 · Aug 2nd, 2012 · · ·

I mean, it's okay... but it can be improved...

CaptainKBX

CaptainKBX #2 · Aug 2nd, 2012 · · ·

Really big wall o' text, but an interesting idea. Try to split it up into 3-4 different paragraphs instead of one large one, and delete some unnecessary sentences if need be.

xDan

xDan #3 · Aug 2nd, 2012 · · ·

"Lyra is a unicorn, commonly known to act like a human, with a strange desire to become a human, or at least, grow fingers on her hooves."
That run-on sentence is just... oh man.

Edit:
WHY DO YOU OMIT WORDS AND PUT COMMAS EVERYWHERE
I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH THE COMMAS IN THE DESCRIPTION BUT HOT DAMN THIS IS BAD

Ledingdongdiddle