Stargazing

Twilight's Marem/Harem3,583 stories ·2,220 members

Twilight and sunset both have crushes on each other but they don't know it.Sunset ask twilight to go stargazing.They both will have a great night.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Gidano90

Gidano90 #1 · Jul 23rd, 2018 · · ·

it's a nice story, but I suggest you fix the paragraph structure. after a punctuation mark, use the space, otherwise the reading becomes more uncomfortable.

Mystic Sunrise

Mystic Sunrise #2 · Jul 24th, 2018 · · ·

Yeah. This is a perfect example of why having an editor go over a story, or chapter, should be mandatory on this site.

I can't even finish it because all the mistakes.

Comment posted by Gamingwithsalmas deleted Jul 24th, 2018

Gamingwithsalmas

Gamingwithsalmas #4 · Jul 24th, 2018 · · ·

Ok.Thanks for the feedback.

Diamond Sparkle

Diamond Sparkle #5 · Jul 24th, 2018 · 1 · ·

Nice for a first story.

Snowmanmelting

Snowmanmelting #6 · Jul 24th, 2018 · 2 · ·

There are missing spaces and punctuation, some repeated words in one or two sentences (same with the names), and maybe you can use a bit more of description to invest the reader more into the setting.
Overall, I think it just needs some work! If it's your very first story, I think it's a good start

Gamingwithsalmas

Gamingwithsalmas #7 · Jul 25th, 2018 · · ·

Ok.Thank you.

ScisetShimmerEvan

ScisetShimmerEvan #8 · Nov 14th, 2021 · · ·

Twilight was stuttering, "Just...y-you...me...a-alone?"Twilight was looking at the floor, picturing her and Sunset by themselves.

A date huh, interesting.

Spike yawns, "I'm good. I actually have work I want to go back to."Spike walks toward his bed and lays down. Twilight smiles then heads to the living room.

Sleeping doesn't count as work Spike.

Looking away, blushing, Sunset says"Well we better get going".Sunset takes Twilight's hand, still blushing, and leads her to the destination.

Guess they both have crushes on each other.

"It's ok.In fact..."Twilight puts Sunsets head up, so they were eye to eye."...I think I enjoyed it."Twilight pulls Sunset in for another kiss.Sunset's eyes shot ride open but then she closes them.Both of them didn't want to but they needed air, so they parted.Sunset signals Twilight to sit in her lap.Twilight gladly does it.Twilight sits down on Sunset's lap and lays her head on Sunset's chest."Hey Sunset?"Twilight says looking at Sirius, The star.

a sigh of true love.

This story was good but I can tell there needed to be many edits and changes to be made, especially with spaces.

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