Sunset and Rainbow continued to walk through the hallway together and Sunset was feeling on top of the world. After all the hardships she faced on the street she was now not only being accepted by her classmates as a pony but her old boyfriend even tried to hit on her, granted she knew he was just trying to get over Princess Twilight and deep down even he knew they shouldn't get back together but that was a conversation for another day. Just as she was pondering all of this the bell signifying that class was about to start rang.
"Wuhh.... time for class already. It feels like we just got here," said Sunset Shimmer.
"Yeah well..... in all honesty since most of the time we are dealing with some sort of magic or social problem so often. I kind of forget this place is a school," said Rainbow Dash.
"Haha, seriously Rainbow?" said Sunset as she smiled and looked over at her friend.
"Well yeah!" said Rainbow as she threw her arms up, "I mean you can't expect me to remember I was just in some boring calculus class when I hear that some magical creature from another dimension is going to conquer the Earth!"
"Hmm I guess that makes sense. I'm just more used to it considering that I actually used to study creatures like that in Celestia's school. So I would go from the "boring,"" she said while raising her two front hooves in the air to make air quotes, "calculus class to a class on magic history that talks about creatures like the sirens, or Tirek all the time," said Sunset.
"Wait Tirek? The guy from that video game you like? I thought Equestria didn't have that kind of stuff," said Rainbow.
"Yeah.... that's abit of a long story... let's just say multiverse theory is weird for now and leave it at that.. we don't want to be late for class," said Sunset.
"Fine," said Rainbow as she drooped down bummed out over the fact that they had to change the subject from cool magic stuff to school again, "Let's go."
They both continued walking until they reached the door to their class and headed in. They both took their seats and saw that Ms. Cheerilee had her back turned to the students as she was writing today's lesson on the blackboard. "Good morning class now today we are going to be learning about the periodic table," said Cheerilee before turning towards the class and saying, "Now before we begin does anyone have any questiooonsss?" she trailed off as soon as she saw Sunset.
She stood there mouth agape in shock for a few seconds before recomposing herself with her trademark trying to keep it together smile and said, "Well if no one else has any questions I think I have a few. Sunset Shimmer why are you a pony today?"
Sunset then blushed somewhat as every member of her class turned to her with anticipated looks on there faces as they all wanted to know that as well but didn't want to ask. "Well basically I was missing how I used to be a pony and so my magic pendant here," she gestured to it with her hoof, "felt my desire and turned me into a pony again," said Sunset as she fidgeted in her desk beginning to feel nervous again.
Cheerilee still having the smile on her face looked over to Sunset and said, "I see. Well I'm glad you're happy with your new self image but... I need to be sure that this will not interrupt class."
Sunset instantly became relieved at hearing that this was an issue of the school work and not anything else, "Oh don't worry Ms. Cheerilee. I have plenty of school supplies from Equestria so I should be able to take notes and stuff just fine, as well as a couple other things. I'm pretty sure I've got everything taken care of," said Sunset with a hopeful smile on her face.
That smile was soon replaced with a look of fear though as Cheerilee approached her desk and her "keeping it together smile" suddenly contorted into a "holding back anger smile" as she said, "That's good to hear because yesterday I had to stay late after school to help clean up after the Canterlot Movie Club attempted to imitate something they saw in some animated Japanese movie they saw and somehow hurled some short of giant boomerang through not only my classroom's window but the windows of three classrooms next time to mine and even more logic defying two from the classrooms across the hall, and when I asked them what they were thinking they babbled something about training to rescue there brother from a demon and ran off. So as you can imagine I am in no mood for anymore problems today," she then locked eyes with Sunset as an icy chill ran down Sunset's spine, "Do I make myself clear?"
Sunset was so scared by these words that she suddenly felt like a little filly who had been caught trying to steal cookies from the royal baker again and without even thinking about it said the first thing that came to mind, "Yes princess," and then did a quick bow at her desk.
Cheerilee's eye slightly twitched at seeing such a response from Sunset but since it was one of respect and understanding she decided not to say anything and smiled saying, "Good." She then moved back to her desk and said, "Now class please take out your pencils and notebooks and start righting this down... now H Hydrogen, He Helium, Li Lith."
She was suddenly interrupted as one student said, "Woah. Cool how are you doing that Sunset?"
Cheerilee looked up to see that the horn on Sunset's head was now glowing a red color and her pencil was not only glowing the same color but floating in mid air. "Oh this," said Sunset moving the pencil higher up so everyone can see while she explained, "It's just a simple levitation spell. Since ponies don't have hands we have to find other ways to do things such as this."
Cheerilee's eye twitched again as she saw her students gawking at Sunset's abilities and she attempted to regain control of the class by saying, "Alright class I know this is interesting but."
Once again she was interrupted as another student spoke up saying, "What's that weird metal pencil you're using?"
Sunset once again moved the pencil into the air saying, "Oh it's nothing. This is just made of a special metal that channels magic really well so it's easy to pick up. Princess Twilight thought I might be a little rusty with my magic so she got me a bunch of beginners magic supplies like this," she said as a slight blush crossed her face as technically all of her school supplies were something you would see in a magic kindergarten rather then at a high school like the one she was in, but that bit of embarrassment quickly washed away as she once again herd to oohs and aahs of her fellow classmates.
Cheerilee's eyes twitched once more as she realized that she wasn't getting control of her students anytime soon so she decided to take the most sensible course of action and said, "Well it looks like Sunset's new state is more distracting then she or I thought," Sunset then had the nervous look return to her face as she was expecting Cheerilee to get mad but instead she continued saying, "However this is not Sunset's fault and it is of course only natural that you would all be curious about these new events... I am going to the teacher's lounge to get some coffee for a few minutes. Feel free to ask Sunset all the questions you have until I get back." She then walked away holding her smile on her face until she got out of the door. She then slumped over tired as she heard all of the students clamoring to be the first to ask their questions. She began walking to the lounge saying, "I swear to god it's one thing after another with these students."
What she failed to notice though was that standing next to the lockers by her class was a girl with puffy orange and yellow hair and wearing a mostly purple outfit that seemed to scream "look at me adore me" who then began walking out of the school with a sinister smile on her face saying, "So Sunset's got a magical pendant that can grant ones desires aye. Well that's good," she said glancing down at the black necklace around her neck with nothing on it but a broken hook and small bit of a red stone on it as a look of anger came to her face, "That's good because she owes me a new one." Her sinister smile once again returned to her face as she exited the school and walked towards two more girls eager to tell them the plan she was forming.
Think anyone should let Adagio know said wish-granting pendant only works for Sunset and is heavily implied to be a seventh Element of Harmony?
Anyone?
No?
Good!
so the dazzles are back
So the CMC watched some InuYasha and tried to be Sango? Sounds like them.
And Adagio is going to try to steal Sunsets element? Possibly, but not confirmed to be, Empathy at that? Oh that should screw her, and possibly her sisters up even more than Sunset was for stealing magic.
9021116
Congratulations you've seen an awesome (and one of my all time favorite) anime . And yeah I am still unsure how I'm gonna handle the dazzlings getting her pendent but thanks for reminding me that technically people who aren't bonded to an element can use it (like Sunset Shimmer did in the first movie) as that is giving me new ideas on how to handle it.
I’m gonna drop a bit of criticism here, so brace yourself.
First, there is already some style emerging from your work, which is quite a good start. Also the theme and plot are for now engaging.
Now the bad news.
You have a deep problem with the written format. This shows in how little you use punctuation, especially in the very long sentences you use. They are constructed following a train of thoughts and — even if intended — this is of the most terrible for the written medium.
People reading do not merely record the text in their heads. They look at a sentence, take note of the elements referring to a previous one, the ones allowing a future call for its content and finally extract meaning from it. You tend to make long sentence for them to contain the whole meaning you want to carry, but that’s not working: people get lost and have to trace back because they lost the meaning, and so do you. It clearly shows in the syntax and grammar errors you make. And I understand why they are so difficult to see: you can’t remember the beginning of the sentence when you reach the end.
You should use more punctuation; it can only help you.
It allows you to give a structure to your sentence and make it easier to notice errors. It gives meaning to your sentence — especially in dialogues — by telling the reader the flow of speech, thought or action. A fight is narrated with very short sentences, focusing on the action-relevant aspects only. On the contrary a calm conversation will be full of comas, dashes and outward-referencing sentences. And moreover it makes you story not look like a succession of blocks of text.
Also, you seem to struggle with the dialogue.
Putting it in the direct following of the narration is perfectly valid, but necessitates proper punctuation (yes, it again).
Comas are to be out of the quotation marks, for they are not part of what is said. An incomplete sentence shall not end in a dot. Prefer the use of dashes and ellipses (with the addition of obligatory marks; e.g. Cheerilee drifting off: “..?”). And finally the narration and dialogue shan’t commute if not necessary. This is directly directed on:
First, hangouts in hangouts is not correct. Use instead “words ‘quoted‘ words“ or “words «quoted» words”.
Second, the reader already pictures Sunset air-quoting because of the use of actual quotation marks instead of italics, emboldening or underlining.
I’m about done and I hope you will improve, even if I might have been a bit harsh. I still enjoy the story this far and am ready to give more advice (or gall as it could be seen) if needed. And continue the good work!
9021346
Thank you for the criticism it was a little harsh but I needed to hear it. I have always struggled with punctuation and while I will take some of your advice into question when writing the next chapter I will still probably make mistakes as one of the reasons I like writing on here is because I don't have anyone like a teacher or an editor looking over my shoulder giving me criticism because I forgot one of the many obscure grammar rules (Plus when ever I try to follow the rules to the the letter I just end up getting confused and my writing gets even worse). Finally to explain the train of thought thing the reason behind it is that whenever I write I only really go in with a basic idea for the story in mind and I come up with the details as I am writing by thinking "what would the character do in this situation?". So it actually is my train of thought (and in a way the characters train of thought too). So in summation thank you for the advice and I will be sure to take it into account but don't expect me to change my whole writing style based around it. Have a good day
9021346
Also you said
And according to grammarbook.com
That is how I have been using my commas throughout the story, though there may have been times where I accidentally misplaced them but I can assure you that this was always my intent. I am not trying to offend you or anything as I know very well that my grammar is not perfect but I do not think I broke all of the rules you said I did. Nevertheless I still appreciate your advice and will take it into account in the next chapter
9021678
My bad, I mixed it up with French.
9022297
It's fine everyone makes mistakes. Like I said before I have enough trouble keeping all the English rules of grammar straight so I can only imagine what it is like to have to keep multiple languages in check. Next time though you should probably double check that you have all the rules right before you provide constructive criticism because while I recognize that you still have several valid complaints and will think about them, others might see you made one or two mistakes and completely disregard your advice.
so it was updated but no updates huh
It took me a bit to see the reference but InuYasha is one of my favourite anime of all time and I just recently re-binchwatched it so... go Hiraikotsu!
9051776
Even better if it turns out there really is a demon, it really does have their brother, and they really were training in order to save him, and their fights become funny background events. Everyone's too distracted by cute magical ponies to notice the demon slaying shounen anime plot happening across the hall.
I think Sunset should apologize to Cheerilee for forcing her to leave the classroom.
The hair is probably a giveaway or how you say it, but i was suprised that she reconized her that fast.
Yeah I'm not sure if a Villain is needed here, I kind of hoped this would stay lighthearted or how you say it.
9064957
Hhhmmm I maybe have to agree with you, she didn't really tried to ignore her classmates or anything and freely talked with them after her promise to cheerile if I payed attention.
Bit of a leap to think the pendant would grant any magical desire but I suppose the pendant she used to have nearly did.
Inuyasha reference! The character referenced in question is Sango with her giant boomerang.
oh my god they tried to pull a Sango
As a DC fan, I have to agree, the multiverse is weird. So. Very. Odd.
Well prepare for dissapoint
Yes. Yes it is.She made a choice. Choices have consequences. Consequences have consequences. Dealing with consequences is a part of life. Teachers that coddle students who make choices with unpleasant consequences are not doing their jobs.
Quite literally, in this case.
Oh inyuasha!!
Man Cheerilee sounded like she was about to lose her shit
Anyone else thinking that the giant Boomerang things some suspiciously like karatecost from Inuyasha
Yup the multiverse theory is weird and that is what makes it fun.
Finally got that reference down though Inuyasha it's what they were imitating
So Cherillee is going to the teacher’s lounge to get coffee. Is she putting liquor or THC in it?
For anyone middle school or younger don’t ask too many questions about what that means
11149349
Nah she's doing EVERYTHING