“Put it away, put it away!” the female human known as Temptress shrieked. Cadance instantly pressed the button for the next slide to become visible on the wall: a close-up of Shining’s behind she had taken for… research. “Please, I’ve always been a good human. I might not have gone to church every Sunday, but I tried to be nice and help other people. Please tell me that isn’t my eternal punishment for my sins.”
All the mares in the room released a disappointed sigh. “No, you don’t have to bear his young if you don’t want to,” Cadance assured.
While her aunts had seen that the human was fed and clothed, she had set up Twilight’s slide projector again. Temptress had now confirmed what Luna had claimed the other day. No mare in her right mind would want to date Anonymous.
Temptress, who was now clad in bandages around her chest and midsection, slumped down in her seat in relief. “Thank you.” She even hugged Luna, who totally didn’t seem to mind. “Wait.” She quickly looked back at Cadance. “Is that why I was summoned? To be the mate of that… fucktard?!”
“Attack!!!” Cadance yelled and dived under the table.
Celestia, reacting in an instant, summoned large fluffy earmuffs and placed them on all their heads. “You will stop your attacks at once, Temptress!” she yelled in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Otherwise, we will have to take action against you.”
“What? I’m sorry, I don’t want to attack you, honest! I don’t even know what I did!” she pleaded, pulling her legs in and shielding her head with her hands.
“Thou attacked our minds not a moment ago,” Luna accused from the seat next to her. “You claim you didn’t even know you did it?”
“No!” Temptress yelled. “I didn’t do anything.”
Cadance’s head popped up from under the table, and the alicorns exchanged a look. “Are you certain?”
“Yes! All I did was ask if I was summoned to be that fu—”
A wing over her mouth effectively silenced her. “You just tried it again.” Luna’s eyes narrowed.
Temptress slowly shoved the wing away. “What? Saying fucktard?”
“Attack!” Cadance yelled again and vanished. This time, Luna and Celestia also jumped from their seats, horns ablaze with magic.
“We had hoped you wouldn’t be as evil as him, but sadly, it seems we were wrong.” The Princess of the Sun aimed her horn at the human.
Fortunately, Temptress spoke up again before Celestia could fire her attack. “Okay, I get it. Don’t curse. Won’t ever do it again, I promise,” she whimpered. “I didn’t know it bothered you that much. For gods, you all seemed pretty cool so far. No getting thrown out of Paradise, no having to kill my little brother to prove how much I love you, no turning to stone...” Celestia and Luna had the decency to wince at the last statement. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have done it. Please, you must believe me.”
Celestia studied her. Twilight had said that Anonymous had proven to be rather cunning. Still, with how this human sat there, her body pressed into the seat, trembling and with bloodshot eyes, she seemed rather sincere. Making up her minds, she used the gathered magic energy to teleport the earmuffs back to her room in Canterlot. “Please take heed of what you saw. If weaker-minded beings were near, they likely would have fallen for such an intense mental attack.”
Temptress made a zipper motion over her mouth. “Understood. No swearing, especially when children or foals could be near.” Then she threw the imaginary key over her shoulder. “Pinkie promise.”
“Forever!” They all jumped at Pinkie Pie’s sudden appearance, especially the human. The baker pointed a hoof at her eyes, then at Temptress, before slowly vanishing back behind the stool she had appeared from. At the last moment, however, she paused and grabbed an envelope from her mane. “Silly me, nearly forgot to give you that.” The letter landed on the table and then she was gone.
Temptress was the first to speak again. “Can I move now? My legs are starting to lose all feeling in them.” After another round of shared glances, Celestia nodded. Temptress sighed in relief as her feet touched the floor again. “My question still stands. You summoned me to be the mate of that... guy?”
“Well, he recently surrendered because of loneliness,” Cadance explained. “He desired to be a father and to be no longer alone. If it helped keep him on the path of righteousness, we wanted to find him a mate. However, it has to be real love. As Princess of Love, I would stand for nothing less. Therefore, if you don’t find him... appealing,” Temptress gagged, “we will have to search further.”
“So you’re sending me back?”
“Well, not exactly.” Cadance glanced at her aunts for help, but both seemed to have found something interesting on the ceiling. “You see, if we could send someone back, we would have done it with Anonymous a long time ago.”
The girl blinked. “Okay, one thing at a time. You think that fatty is called Anonymous?”
“…Yes?”
She laughed. “That’s an expression some weirdoes use on the Internet. It means that he is anonymous, like using a pseudonym.” The alicorns blinked owlishly at her. “You know, like how you wear a mask at a masquerade?”
“Oh,” they all said.
“He’s probably named Stone or Dove or something. Secondly, he’s a criminal; did I get that right?” They nodded. “And you think it would be best to redeem him by giving him a girlfriend.” Again, they nodded. “Sorry, but are you stupid?”
“Hey now,” Cadance chided. “No need for name calling. We don’t know much about humans. He was the first one to ever come here.” Celestia and Luna chose not to correct her on that statement. Megan’s presence had long faded from the world; there was no sense in bringing her up.
“Okay, hear me out. That!” She pointed at the wall. “That right there is the behind of a pony with some massive balls.”
Cadance beamed. “They are, aren’t they? Don’t you all feel the need to be mounted just by seeing them?” Her eyes glittered in the light of the projector.
“No,” came from the others simultaneously.
“Well, he’s mine anyway,” Cadance harrumphed, sticking her nose up in the air.
“What I meant to say is that this Anonymous guy is just a fat jerk with a neckbeard and a fedora. We have thousands like him at home.” A pang of sympathy went through the ponies for the poor world that had to host such a horde of miserable creatures. “Just tell him to f… go away.”
“Actually, we tried that, back when we didn’t know how evil he was. He then started to destroy vases around my castle.”
“You mean our castle.”
“Hush, Luna.” The dark alicorn pouted. “When he was done with them, he went for the flower pots in the garden. We, of course, demanded that he ceased his assault, but he just showed us one of his digits and went on his way.”
Temptress raised her hand. “This one?” Celestia nodded.
“You seem to be an expert for these Anonymous characters,” Cadance noted.
“I know how to deal with the likes of him,” she confirmed. Suddenly, a smile came to her face. “I think I have an offer for you.”
“Go on.” Celestia leaned forward on the table.
“Since it seems that I’ll be here for a while, I will need lodging, food, and clothing. You agree to accommodate me for as long as I’m here, and I’ll make sure that this guy will never be a problem again.”
Celestia sighed. “We hired many ponies who claimed they could get rid of Anonymous for us. None came back with their sanity intact. His vile attacks broke their minds. Do you really think you’re up to such a task?”
“You don’t need to do that!” Luna hastily added. “I would be more than willing to share my bed with thou.” Her lower lip quivered. “Please.”
Temptress leaned away from the alicorn. “While I’m thankful for your concern, Your Highness, I’m pretty sure I can take him on.”
“That is a pretty tempting off—” Luna began before joining the ooh-ing from the other princesses.
This is going to be hilarious, I can tell
and thus anon's doom was planned
i hope she just kicks him in the dick every time he does somthing.
So the ponies are so milquetoast, that swearing around them constitutes a "Mental Attack"?
No wonder that Anon was considered a villain rather than a pathetic loser.
I hope this ends with a princessly threesome for Temptress and a kick in the bollocks for Anon.
I have to say in Anon defence, being ripped from his own world and everything he cared and was used to, being stuck in a world that's pretty much a cartoon for little girls, with no other humans around, i would've done the same as he did.
Temptress not realising this and just buying into the ponies crying makes her look quite dumb,
1. Guy gets abducted
2.He gets angry with the abductees and curses
3.He is forever branded as a villain and escapes into a life of seclusion
4.He surrenders out of loneliness
5.He is deemed unlovable out of his physical appearance
...okay, this fic has turned from funny to depressing and sad incredibly quickly
While yes, Anon is a dick. This whole thing seems to be making him out to be a villain. Mind you, I like it, and want to see where it goes, but both Anon and the Princesses irk me a little bit.
8936603
i agree. this fic has gone from anon being evil to just a sad person trying to make sense of the world he's stuck in.
and the universe just keeps shitting on him.
Honestly, I called it. I thougth that the girl they summoned would not want to be with Anon. I thought so. Anon and ponies all the way!!!
This is just kinda depressing. The dude was ripped from his world, branded a criminal for no real reason initially, then just wants someone to care about him and everything just keeps going wrong. Now we have some woman from god knows what reality saying that she will 'get rid of him.' So, what? Does she mean that she's going to terrorize him until he leaves and doesn't come back, or does she mean kill him? Cause either way, she's a bitch and should feel bad. Here i thought this was going to be a funny, yet sweet fic. Nope, just more shitting on anon.
Not what i was expecting, but ill take it.
8936526
I know!
Also I hope for more "ATTACK!!!" moments
8936603 Maybe he shouldn't have let himself go and turn into the human blob and maybe learn more about the place he is stuck in before going ape shit crazy? I mean if I was dropped off in the middle of bum fuck no where in a new world, and the inhabitants of said world (in this case ponies) I would try to make myself not seem like a hostile threat and try to learn where I am all the while trying to find a way back home. Of course I would be internally freaking the fuck out and be possible one step away from a panic attack and going insane.
But this anon, the sheer fact that he is one of those fat neckbeard losers with the fedora...yeah he got no chance in hell in getting a decent love life from these ponies until he shapes up and drops a hundred or so pounds and ditches the hat and neck beard.
8936603
So far we’ve only seen his behavior since he was drunk. And I doubt he is a jerk ALL the time, but being drunk makes him seem that way.
So ponies consider Anon (which I am sure of is a name given to him from a mistranslation, much like what happened to Temptress) to be “Dr. Doom” levels of evil just because they are more thin skinned than even the most offended of Twitter Darlings and they easily fall for the “look behind you!” trick?
I have to agree. This inadvertently took a turn from a funny random story to depressing... and I seriously doubt the author intended that!
8936578
Yeah, unless she's actually more perceptive than we're giving her credit for and she's realized exactly what's going on, she comes off as a major bitch.
If she's exactly as she seems right now I can't tell if the author intentionally wrote her as a bad person or not.
Why didn't she explain that they're only words?
Ah! Schadenfreude at its finest!
Please have the basement-dwelling Anon be an actual jerk that earned the 'villain' title rather than a pathetic figure that got misunderstood, just to motivate the nay-sayers to flip their tables off.
I want me some black comedy, kind sir!
That's actually an legit question.
These ponies are weird, they used to habitually murder their "enemies" and mutilate their bodies for furniture and piano keys but naughty words are a step too far.
9858665
murder's a natural thing(in a sense), but cuss words are an almost uniquely human invention
Well, we can thank sugar and soda companies for that shitshow, they've been propagandizing the population for decades. Ever wonder why America is so fucked up and Europe isn't?
Well, this should be interesting