“Put it away, put it away!” the female human known as Temptress shrieked. Cadance instantly pressed the button for the next slide to become visible on the wall: a close-up of Shining’s behind she had taken for… research. “Please, I’ve always been a good human. I might not have gone to church every Sunday, but I tried to be nice and help other people. Please tell me that isn’t my eternal punishment for my sins.”
All the mares in the room released a disappointed sigh. “No, you don’t have to bear his young if you don’t want to,” Cadance assured.
While her aunts had seen that the human was fed and clothed, she had set up Twilight’s slide projector again. Temptress had now confirmed what Luna had claimed the other day. No mare in her right mind would want to date Anonymous.
Temptress, who was now clad in bandages around her chest and midsection, slumped down in her seat in relief. “Thank you.” She even hugged Luna, who totally didn’t seem to mind. “Wait.” She quickly looked back at Cadance. “Is that why I was summoned? To be the mate of that… fucktard?!”
“Attack!!!” Cadance yelled and dived under the table.
Celestia, reacting in an instant, summoned large fluffy earmuffs and placed them on all their heads. “You will stop your attacks at once, Temptress!” she yelled in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Otherwise, we will have to take action against you.”
“What? I’m sorry, I don’t want to attack you, honest! I don’t even know what I did!” she pleaded, pulling her legs in and shielding her head with her hands.
“Thou attacked our minds not a moment ago,” Luna accused from the seat next to her. “You claim you didn’t even know you did it?”
“No!” Temptress yelled. “I didn’t do anything.”
Cadance’s head popped up from under the table, and the alicorns exchanged a look. “Are you certain?”
“Yes! All I did was ask if I was summoned to be that fu—”
A wing over her mouth effectively silenced her. “You just tried it again.” Luna’s eyes narrowed.
Temptress slowly shoved the wing away. “What? Saying fucktard?”
“Attack!” Cadance yelled again and vanished. This time, Luna and Celestia also jumped from their seats, horns ablaze with magic.
“We had hoped you wouldn’t be as evil as him, but sadly, it seems we were wrong.” The Princess of the Sun aimed her horn at the human.
Fortunately, Temptress spoke up again before Celestia could fire her attack. “Okay, I get it. Don’t curse. Won’t ever do it again, I promise,” she whimpered. “I didn’t know it bothered you that much. For gods, you all seemed pretty cool so far. No getting thrown out of Paradise, no having to kill my little brother to prove how much I love you, no turning to stone...” Celestia and Luna had the decency to wince at the last statement. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have done it. Please, you must believe me.”
Celestia studied her. Twilight had said that Anonymous had proven to be rather cunning. Still, with how this human sat there, her body pressed into the seat, trembling and with bloodshot eyes, she seemed rather sincere. Making up her minds, she used the gathered magic energy to teleport the earmuffs back to her room in Canterlot. “Please take heed of what you saw. If weaker-minded beings were near, they likely would have fallen for such an intense mental attack.”
Temptress made a zipper motion over her mouth. “Understood. No swearing, especially when children or foals could be near.” Then she threw the imaginary key over her shoulder. “Pinkie promise.”
“Forever!” They all jumped at Pinkie Pie’s sudden appearance, especially the human. The baker pointed a hoof at her eyes, then at Temptress, before slowly vanishing back behind the stool she had appeared from. At the last moment, however, she paused and grabbed an envelope from her mane. “Silly me, nearly forgot to give you that.” The letter landed on the table and then she was gone.
Temptress was the first to speak again. “Can I move now? My legs are starting to lose all feeling in them.” After another round of shared glances, Celestia nodded. Temptress sighed in relief as her feet touched the floor again. “My question still stands. You summoned me to be the mate of that... guy?”
“Well, he recently surrendered because of loneliness,” Cadance explained. “He desired to be a father and to be no longer alone. If it helped keep him on the path of righteousness, we wanted to find him a mate. However, it has to be real love. As Princess of Love, I would stand for nothing less. Therefore, if you don’t find him... appealing,” Temptress gagged, “we will have to search further.”
“So you’re sending me back?”
“Well, not exactly.” Cadance glanced at her aunts for help, but both seemed to have found something interesting on the ceiling. “You see, if we could send someone back, we would have done it with Anonymous a long time ago.”
The girl blinked. “Okay, one thing at a time. You think that fatty is called Anonymous?”
“…Yes?”
She laughed. “That’s an expression some weirdoes use on the Internet. It means that he is anonymous, like using a pseudonym.” The alicorns blinked owlishly at her. “You know, like how you wear a mask at a masquerade?”
“Oh,” they all said.
“He’s probably named Stone or Dove or something. Secondly, he’s a criminal; did I get that right?” They nodded. “And you think it would be best to redeem him by giving him a girlfriend.” Again, they nodded. “Sorry, but are you stupid?”
“Hey now,” Cadance chided. “No need for name calling. We don’t know much about humans. He was the first one to ever come here.” Celestia and Luna chose not to correct her on that statement. Megan’s presence had long faded from the world; there was no sense in bringing her up.
“Okay, hear me out. That!” She pointed at the wall. “That right there is the behind of a pony with some massive balls.”
Cadance beamed. “They are, aren’t they? Don’t you all feel the need to be mounted just by seeing them?” Her eyes glittered in the light of the projector.
“No,” came from the others simultaneously.
“Well, he’s mine anyway,” Cadance harrumphed, sticking her nose up in the air.
“What I meant to say is that this Anonymous guy is just a fat jerk with a neckbeard and a fedora. We have thousands like him at home.” A pang of sympathy went through the ponies for the poor world that had to host such a horde of miserable creatures. “Just tell him to f… go away.”
“Actually, we tried that, back when we didn’t know how evil he was. He then started to destroy vases around my castle.”
“You mean our castle.”
“Hush, Luna.” The dark alicorn pouted. “When he was done with them, he went for the flower pots in the garden. We, of course, demanded that he ceased his assault, but he just showed us one of his digits and went on his way.”
Temptress raised her hand. “This one?” Celestia nodded.
“You seem to be an expert for these Anonymous characters,” Cadance noted.
“I know how to deal with the likes of him,” she confirmed. Suddenly, a smile came to her face. “I think I have an offer for you.”
“Go on.” Celestia leaned forward on the table.
“Since it seems that I’ll be here for a while, I will need lodging, food, and clothing. You agree to accommodate me for as long as I’m here, and I’ll make sure that this guy will never be a problem again.”
Celestia sighed. “We hired many ponies who claimed they could get rid of Anonymous for us. None came back with their sanity intact. His vile attacks broke their minds. Do you really think you’re up to such a task?”
“You don’t need to do that!” Luna hastily added. “I would be more than willing to share my bed with thou.” Her lower lip quivered. “Please.”
Temptress leaned away from the alicorn. “While I’m thankful for your concern, Your Highness, I’m pretty sure I can take him on.”
“That is a pretty tempting off—” Luna began before joining the ooh-ing from the other princesses.