The evil known as Anon has surrendered. But what to do with him?
Anon has surrendered to Cadance because of loneliness. Now it is her duty to reform him, but sadly, she has no idea how. She asks her fellow alicorns for advice. Things go haywire pretty fast.
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Story is fully written. Chapters will be released when edited by JBL
In a secret location that totally wasn’t the basement of Twilight’s Castle, the princesses of Equestria sat around a large round table. They all were clearly nervous, especially Cadance, who had called the meeting in the first place.
“So,” the pretty pink princess began, tapping the tips of her front hooves together and in doing so breaking the silence. “You probably have some questions.” Twilight’s hoof shot in the air faster than lightning. Cadance, who had long spotted the massive scroll her sister-in-law had laid on the table a while ago, ignored her. “But those will have to wait.” Twilight’s hoof slowly sank back down. “For now, we need to analyse the situation and—”
“Has Anon surrendered to thine hooves or not?” Luna interrupted and allowed the axe, which she had levitated behind her so far, drop next to the scroll with a heavy thud. “We wish to be done with this as soon as possible. We have waited too long for this day.” Since it was midday, a time the Princess of the Night normally would be fast asleep, she really had to be excited about this. After all, an army of changeling hadn’t managed to rouse her during a similar period of calamity.
“Well, yes—”
“Then off with his head!” Luna roared in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “That foolish monkey has plagued our ponies far too long!”
Celestia sighed and turned towards her sister. “Luna, we’ve been over this. Equestria abolished the death penalty over seven hundred years ago.”
“He stole gems from the statue of friendship at young Twilight’s festival,” Luna retorted, sharpening the axe on a grindstone that had appeared from somewhere.
“I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding.” The eldest alicorn waved her off dismissively. “They were lying around everywhere at one point, if I remember correctly.”
“That was because he knocked it down. He also tried to roast thine bird over a fire, trying to make her his meal!” Luna was now applying a layer of wax on the weapon, making it shine in the dim light of the room.
“Philomena was probably cold that day and he just decided to aid her.”
“With garlic and Tabasco sauce?” Luna inquired with a raised eyebrow.
“Maybe he was helping the kitchen staff?” Cadance could tell that even her aunt had a hard time believing her own words. “Point is, we don’t kill, regardless of the crime. And since the Elements didn’t work on him, we will have to reform him somehow.”
Luna simply regarded her sister, a grin slowly creeping on her muzzle. “He raided your cake storage.”
“Give me that axe, I’ll do it myself!” Celestia roared and reached for the weapon with her magic.
“Aunties!” Cadance screamed, causing both alicorns to freeze, Celestia halfway on the table by now. “Anon surrendered to me, so I will decide what to do with him.”
Looking at each other and chuckling nervously, Celestia and Luna both sat back down. “Yes, well…” Celestia cleared her throat. “Been a while since I used the Royal Canterlot Voice. However, I believe our niece has a point. She managed to capture him, so the honour should be hers.”
Cadance jumped as the large, very sharp axe was driven into the edge of the table right next to her. “Fine,” Luna agreed with a huff.
“We are not killing him!” she yelled at the both of them again.
“I thought we were here to discuss what is to be done with him.” The other two alicorns nodded at the Princess of the Night.
The Princess of Love shook her head. She could the feel the headache already building. “Auntie Celestia got to reform Discord, even if it was through Fluttershy.” She pointed an accusing hoof at the alabaster mare. “Twilight got both Starlight Glimmer and Tempest Shadow. Now I have my own villain to reform, so no, we will not kill him.”
“Pooper of parties,” Luna mumbled as the axe vanished with a pop of magic.
Celestia took a deep breath. “Very well then, Cadance. Still, if you’ve already decided what should be done with him, why are we here today?”
“Well, you see, it has to do with… how he surrendered.”
“You managed to beat him in a glorious battle?” Luna guessed, a tinge of hope in her voice.
“No! And let me finish.” She took a breath. “So, it was a normal day when my captain of the guard informed us of a disturbance in the castle. Not even five minutes later, Anonymous walked into the throne room. I put your lessons to good use, Aunt Luna—thanks, by way.”
“You’re welcome.”
“He just started his attack, trying to corrupt Flurry, who was saved by Shining. Well, mostly. We’re still trying to find out if his attack left any lasting harm on her, but so far, she shows no sign of it.”
“We will continue to watch her dreams,” Luna assured her. “If anything of concern should reveal itself, I will let you know.”
“Thanks again. We really appreciate it.”
“So much so that you will let me behead the monkey?”
“No!”
“Banish him to the moon?”
“Maybe? I mean no!” Cadance shook her head irritably. “Anyway, I was about to strike back when he fell on his knees, reeking of alcohol, and told me something that shook me to the core.” All the others were leaning in now, listening to her every word. “He’s never experienced love in his life. He never shared his bed with a mate. He never had somepony to hold while sitting in front of a fireplace. Nopony to share meals with. Nopony to use the toilet while you use the shower, nopony to then leave the toilet seat up, so you’re in for a nasty surprise when your tail drops in the water. Nopony to not use coasters on your new table; nopony to fall asleep just after you finish making love; no one to—”
“We… get the picture,” Celestia interrupted, holding up a hoof.
“Ahem, yes. I believe his criminal activities are tied to that. That, and he explicitly told me that he couldn’t go on because he felt so alone. He wished for a mate and foals. I tried to think of some female villains, but the only one that came to both our minds was Chrysalis.”
All the alicorns in the room cringed.
“He tried to get in contact with some others, but they vanished from the picture before he was able to.” Cadance nodded at Twilight, who just grinned sheepishly. “Not that that is a bad thing, mind you. Still it put us in quite the predicament. My first idea was to ask if you know of any female villains out there who we could contact. Who knows? Maybe we can reform two for the price of one.”
Celestia, Luna and Twilight all shared a glance. “There was this cat witch with the weird name,” the Princess of the Sun mused, “but for the life of me, I don’t recall her name.”
“Catarina,” Luna supplied, “and I’m sure she is dead.”
“What happened?” Twilight asked, eager to know more.
“I had a carpet made from her coat for my room in the old castle.” Twilight stared at her in revulsion. “It was a different time,” she quickly added. “A better one too,” she mumbled, mostly to herself.
“What about Echidna?”
“The giant spider queen or the even larger praying mantis?”
“Both?”
“Dead.”
“Falx the soul stealing fae?”
“Dead.”
“Elexendra the dragon?”
“Deaaaaaaad.”
“Gooma the Slime?”
“It was female?”
“I think.”
“Dead anyway.”
“Elena the Elephantic Necromancer?”
“Remember the organ in the old castle?”
“Oh, yes. She had such nice tusks. It was a neurotic tick of hers to keep those clean. I always thought that she shouldn’t impale her victims with them then, but she never listened,” Celestia explained to her former student, who still beheld elder alicorns at the table with morbid fascination. Not that Cadance was faring any better. “Now I know. Samsa the Snake!”
“Married, with children.”
“Oh, how nice for her. Putina the plantmancer?”
Luna opened her mouth but paused for a moment. “I’m sure you made that up.”
“Well, you can’t remember them all.” She turned towards the pink stupefied alicorn. “I’m sorry, Cadance, but I have nothing.”
“If you used to kill all those villains, why did we even start with reforming them?” Twilight yelled suddenly.
Both sisters looked at each other again. “Discord is immortal, like us. Can’t kill an immortal.” Celestia shrugged. “Since he proved that he could escape his stone prison any time there was enough chaos near him, we needed a new solution.”
“And before you ask, yes, we tried to smash the statue, but it also proved to be impossible,” Luna added helpfully. “Still, Blueblood’s front lawn has a nice draconequus-shaped fish pond ever since.”
“Also, he was the only villain to show up again after we abolished capital punishment. We considered it and decided that his vast magical powers were worth the effort.” Both alicorns nodded in satisfaction.
“Soo…” Cadance needed a moment to digest all that. “You know of no female villain out there that could be looking to retire and settle down?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, sadly not.”
They all were silent for moment. “Okay, Plan B then. We need to find a willing mare.” All the others blinked at Cadance. “Or a bitch, or a dragoness, or whatever. There has to be a female out there that’s hot for monkey dick.” Twilight suddenly whirled around frantically. “You okay, Ladybug?”
“Yeaaaah,” Twilight said and slowly looked back at the others again. “I was just expecting something.” All three alicorns raised an eyebrow simultaneously. “Don’t worry, it’s a Ponyville thing.”
“If you need a willing female,” a new voice said, making the princesses jump, “I am your mare.” Tempest, to her friends known as Fizzlepop Berrytwist, stepped out of the shadows and next to Twilight. “I have a lot to make up for, and if it takes my body to do so, I’m willing to serve.”
“I feel like a record player, but no! As the Princess of Love, I could never agree to something like that. It has to be real love or nothing.”
“While I don’t love the human known as Anonymous, he has my deepest respect. For years I have aided Princess Twilight in attempting to capture him, without success. He is a worthy foe of cunning intelligence. I never imagined myself having offspring, but if I had to, I would wish them to have such qualities.” Maybe it was the mare never moving a muscle besides the one in her muzzle, but whatever it was, it gave Cadance the creeps. “And with Anonymous in my care, I would no longer need to watch over Princess Twilight every hour of the day.”
“…Every hour?” Twilight asked.
“Every hour,” the mare answered without missing a beat. “Especially while you sleep. And it is not… creepy.”
Okay, it was clear to Cadance that her family had issues. Still, that wasn’t why they were here today. “Let’s focus.” She clapped her hooves together. “Any other ideas?” Luna raised her hoof. “Yes?”
“Just kill him.”
“No!” Cadance slumped into her seat. “Though it would probably easier at this point,” her brain traitorously whispered in her ear.
“Maybe we should take a break,” Celestia suggested. “We’ve been at this for hours now, and it’s already late afternoon. Maybe some tea and cake will give us new ideas.”
“Yes, well. Maybe you’re right.” Cadance rose and the others followed. “We will continue this tomorrow. I need to look after Shining and Flurry anyway.”
As they all walked out of the room, no one noticed how Twilight stayed behind at the table. Her head dropped on the wooden surface and her hoof rolled the scroll around. “I never got ask my questions,” she mumbled, sighing heavily. “And know I wish I had someone to do all those things with that Cadance mentioned.”
“If I may, I could offer myse—” Tempest started, only to be interrupted by a scroll to the face.
They were all together again. The tea and cake, together with plenty hours of sleep, had helped a lot. Cadance was certain that today they would find a solution. She had already found a new angle to attack the problem. The willing female could wait; they needed to start with Anon himself. For that very purpose, she had Twilight set up her slide projector.
“If you all could please turn your attention to the wall behind me,” Cadance said to her gathered audience. “I present you; Anonymous.”
“Put it away, put it away!” Twilight shrieked. Upon closer inspection, Cadance realized she had put in the wrong slide. On the wall, the other mares now had the moment of her daughter’s birth burning their retinas. Or to be more precise, mere seconds before it happened.
Luna grimaced. “That must have hurt, the foal struggling like that.”
“It is a common occurrence for both pegasi and unicorns to get… stuck along the way,” Celestia explained, sounding like she uttered the same sentence a few thousand times. She turned her head to regard Cadance before continuing, “Still, to have both wings and horn in such unfortunate positions…”
“Yes, okay, it hurt. Are we done? Shining just snapped a few pictures prematurely.” Cadance punched the button for the next picture a few times. “Something he has some experience with,” she growled to herself and the incident that had gotten her in the mess in the first place. “Ah, there it is.”
“Put it away, put it away!” was shrieked again, this time by Luna.
Cadance again looked at the wall, only to see the face of the human. “What? It’s the right picture.”
“I know.” Luna grinned, the others starting to giggle behind their hooves.
Sighing, she levitated the pointer and aimed it at Anonymous’ nose. “For any female to find him desirable as a mate, we have some work to do. What do you notice?”
All three alicorns regarded the photo for a silent moment before Celesta raised a hoof. Cadance pointed at her to let her know she was allowed to speak. “He has all this hair on his neck that’s just… there. It doesn’t seem to want to grow beyond fuzzy into a full-fledged beard.” Cadance nodded in agreement. “I think it would do him good to shave it away.”
“Indeed,” Luna chimed in. “I remember when I had just returned from the moon. Our new maids nearly fainted when they saw my mane, saying it was greasy and split at the ends. If I have to wash my mane with the eye-burning liquid every day, so should he.” Cadance nodded again, making notes on a notepad she levitated out of her mane. “Just one bottle in each eye every day, and I’m sure his looks would improve.” She looked at Cadance hopefully. “No? Okay then.”
“He doesn’t look too healthy either,” Twilight added. “All that extra fat makes him seem bloated. I’m pretty sure his neck shouldn’t completely vanish if he looks down.”
“Ha!” Luna cried out. “With a belly likes his, he surely has no need to look down. Couldn’t see his endowment anyway.”
Celestia giggled again. “And have you heard him breathe? I have. Should use his nose more.”
“And those red pimples on his face should be taken care of!” Luna howled with laughter. “He should have never taken off that green mask of his! Only a mother could love a face like that. I wonder how flanks as wide as his could even fit through any door at all. And that stupid hat of his. It should be a crime to wear something like that.” The blue mare shuddered theatrically. “What mare would be crazy and dumb enough to be mounted by that? She would need to be desperate, or stuck so deep in the friendzone with her supposed ‘best friend’ that she needed a rather desperate move to make her notice. To climb into bed with that creature is a cry for help.”
As Luna continued her unflattering rant, Celestia leaned down towards her former student. “Say, Twilight, how did Anon manage to elude capture for several years again? As you just pointed out, he seems rather unfit and…” She waved a hoof around. “You know.”
“For all his bodily impairments, he is, like Tempest said, rather cunning,” Twilight whispered back from the edge of her muzzle, her eyes glued forward. She had a hard time believing the princess could be so rude to interrupt while another was speaking.
“Can you give me an example?” Celestia asked, her kind, warm, motherly, angelic voice flowing down Twilight’s ears like honey and causing her to shudder in delight as she struggled not to immediately fall upon her hooves and bask in her glory. Still, while her brain prodded her to answer Celestia’s question, Luna held command over the floor.
“And his tiny pig eyes that constantly shifts around!” Twilight heard Luna cackle.
“Twilight?” Celestia whispered again.
“Behind you!” she yelled over Luna’s rant, causing not only Luna to halt her verbal barrage, but also Cadance’s thorough note-taking.
Both Celestia and Luna whirled around and stared at the other wall. “There seems to be nothing, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said with a frown.
“Like that,” she deadpanned.
Celestia’s eyebrows rose. “Oh, yes. Rather cunning indeed.”
“May I continue then?” Luna asked.
“No.” Cadance set the notepad down on the table. “I think that’s enough for now.” The only thing about Anon Luna hadn’t complained about were his feet, though that was probably due to Twilight’s interruption, for which the princess of love was very thankful for. “It will take a while to address all these issues. And while I don’t have an idea as to how I can ‘make his ugly ears not stand out like sails in the wind’ at the moment, we will find a solution. I’m sure of that.”
Twilight tapped her hoof against her chin. “Actually, most of that falls in Rarity’s realm of experience. Maybe we should bring her into the project?”
All three shook their heads. “The last time I heard her speak about Anon, she used words I didn’t know existed,” Celestia said. “I think it’s too soon to involve more ponies into the project.” Then her eyes brightened. “However, I have another idea. Instead of fixing all those things to make him attractive in the eyes of a mare, we just need to find a mare who probably likes all those things.”
Luna barked a laugh. “Well, good luck with that, sister. Surely there isn’t a mare alive on this planet who could possibly be attracted to him.”
Celestia grinned. “Well put. That’s why I say we summon another human from his home.” The pointer stick fell to the ground and jaws dropped around her. “A female this time. I’m sure his own kind would be more attracted to his physical characteristics than any mare or other female on Terra ever could.”
“Are you crazy?!” Twilight stood, hooves in the air. Then she seemed to notice who she just yelled at and cleared her throat. “Sorry, Princess, but we already have enough problems with one human. Why should we consider summoning another?”
“I agree with Twilight Sparkle,” Luna chimed in. “One human already proved to be problematic enough.”
Cadance picked up the pointer again, mulling over the idea. “Actually... it isn’t that dumb of an idea.” Her sister-in-law and aunt stared at her as if she had grown a second head. Celestia only smiled. “Not all humans can be villains. As we all know, we shouldn’t condemn a whole race for the actions of one. We just have to make it a criteria of the summoning spell that she shouldn’t be evil. That can be done, right, Ladybug?”
Twilight thought for a moment, her tongue sticking out at the edge. “Maybe. Summoning Anon was an accident, but if we use the right modification to the supplemental spell matrix and make it a three-layer circle, maybe even five… Yeah, it should be possible.” A scroll flashed into existence along with a quill, and Twilight started eagerly to make notes.
“While we’re at it, what did you try to summon in the first place?” Celestia asked, looking over Twilight’s shoulder at her notes.
“An abysmal abomination driven by the hunger for souls and power, held together by the all-consuming hatred it expresses for all things living, breathing, and loving.” Celestia blinked. “A demon, from the realm of Agrimoth. I had some questions I wanted answers to,” she added, as if that justified everything.
“Not from the realm of Belzhorash?” Luna asked curiously. “I mean, they are known as the knowledge demons after all.”
“One would think so, but the problem with knowledge demons is they know what their knowledge is worth. It’s way easier to summon a warrior-type demon and ask him. While the answer may not be as detailed as one would probably like, they get the job done.” Well, at least if you were lucky and the one summoned possessed a mouth in the first place, but Twilight kept that to herself. It was already bad enough that Anon was her fault; no one needed to know that he only appeared after her third attempt.
“That is rather cunning, Twilight Sparkle. I shall remember that.”
“We will not summon any more demons!” Cadance yelled. “I mean, Anon isn’t a demon, right? Humans aren’t demons, are they?” She shot a pleading look at the Princess of the Sun, who shook her head.
“Not to my knowledge. They’re just generally very stubborn and obstinate. They are actually one of the more common races along the multiverse as far as I have seen it. There are the sgfägd of the realm of Auisbfiüsdb, who even use them as ammunition for their catapults.” All Cadance could do was stare at her aunt as words left her mouth that made her muzzle seem like it had a seizure.
“Done!” Twilight cried out and held her scroll aloft. On it was the drawing of a summoning circle with so many layers that it made Cadance’s head spin. The actual spell to power it, written right next to it, was so far over her head that she didn’t even attempt to comprehend it.
Celestia and Luna, on the other hoof, leaned in and nodded at various parts. “Well done, my former student. Couldn’t have done it better myself.”
“My sister is right, very astounding work.”
“So, we’re doing this?” Cadance asked. “We’re summoning another human?”
They all regarded each other for a moment. “Well, since the spell is already written…” Twilight started, a massive grin forming on her muzzle.
They were in the basement again, only this time, instead of the large round table in the middle of the room, there was a complex summoning circle drawn with chalk. “Well, that should be it,” Twilight announced, the large bags under her eyes indicative of the sleepless night spent finishing the circle.
Celestia, holding the scroll with the draft in her magic, compared the result with the original. “Yes, that should be it.”
“I’m having some second thoughts about this,” Cadance said, nervously pacing on the spot. “I mean, we didn’t even ask Anon what he wants in a mate.”
“Bah.” Luna waved off her concern. “Beggars can’t be choosers.”
“Actually, we could add a set of variables to the spell so that the summoned human matches chosen characteristics from Anonymous. The multiverse is vast, and as the rules dictate, if you can imagine it, it exits,” Celestia mused, but then her gaze fell on Twilight. “However, since Twilight seems to be tired…” The scroll combusted into ash. “Oh well, never mind then.” The youngest alicorn sighed in relief.
They all went to the spot Twilight had marked for each of them on the floor. Twilight yawned before she spoke. “Okay, I will handle the spellwork. All I need you to do is power the spell matrix, though that’s easier said than done. You need to keep it at a constant level or else the matrix could burn like Sweetie Belle's orange juice. Don’t ask; it’s a Ponyville thing.”
“We may be not as versed as you, my dear student, but we’ve cast our fair share of spells in our time. Don’t worry,” Celestia assured her.
Twilight nodded. “Right, here goes nothing.” Her horn lit up, as did the others in the room. Magic flowed from each of them into the circle on the floor, making it light up in a kaleidoscope of colours. Swirling, the circle rose from the ground, rapidly accelerating every second until it was just a blur. Just as it was about to rise above the tip of Celestia’s horn, it changed direction and spun the other way around. Without further theatrics or warning, a human dropped from the circle just before it exploded. The ponies closed their eyes as magic rained down upon them in the form of chromatic sparks.
“Everypony okay?”
“Yes, I just got something in my eye,” Twilight heard Cadance answer.
“Maybe we shouldn’t have done the spell in the basement. Sitting in the dark all day and then this sudden bright light is inviting trouble.”
“And what is wrong with sitting in the dark all day?” Luna inquired pointedly to her sister.
“Oh no, we’re not going over that discussion again, Luna.”
“Did anypony see if it worked?” That was Cadance’s voice again, and Twilight blinked a few more times to clear her vision. Slowly, the candle-lit room came back into focus. “Oh, never mind.”
Twilight followed Cadance’s gaze into the middle of the circle. There, now rising to their feet, was a human who was clearly a female. Her frame was demure, nearly anorexic compared to the one they were acquainted with. In stark contrast to her frame were her wide hips and ample breasts that seemed to defy gravity as she finally reached her full height. Bright blue eyes, framed by crimson bangs, blinked as she took in her surroundings. Her mouth opened, her cute little nose twitched, and then she let out a sneeze. With a hand still in front of her face, she glanced down to her feet.
“Was zum Teufel? Wo sind meine Klamotten?” (What the hell? Where are my clothes?) she said in an unknown language.
“Don’t be alarmed,” Celestia said, stepping closer. “We mean you no harm.” The eyes of the human shot towards the alabaster princess, expanded to nearly double their size, before rolling back in her head. Twilight, having borne witness to a similar reaction from Rarity in the past, was keen enough to catch her as she tumbled to the ground. “Oh. It’s seems I had quite the effect on her.”
“In her defence,” Cadance stared down at the female human now levitating in Twilight’s magic, “she’s probably never seen an alicorn.”
“Her udders are even bigger than Anon’s,” Twilight noted, her eyes scanning the human’s form.
“Well, maybe she is pregnant?” Luna guessed. “Perhaps humans reproduce differently than us, and they fulfil an entirely different task.” The Princess of the Night tapped against one of the mounds of flesh with a hoof. “Well, they seem to be more firm than that of the male.”
“Let me see.” Twilight raised a hoof to poke the other one, only for Celestia to beat her to it.
“Oh my, yes. Quite firm indeed. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t possess the same amount of excessive fat Anon does. Could be a variant of humans that lives in warmer region and doesn’t need it for extra protection against the cold.”
“Other than her rather slim frame, she seems to be in good health,” Twilight observed. “Her skin is firm and her flanks are wide and inviting, good for giving birth. She also seems to groom herself well, if the shaved hair at her nether regions is any indication.”
“So we have a slim, but otherwise healthy human female that’s searching for a mate like Anon?” Cadance asked.
“Well yes,” Twilight answered and finally set her down on the ground, which in turn forced Luna to stop poking her udder. “She should be a female human without a mate.”
“Wait!” Cadance suddenly exclaimed. “You did include Anonymous’ characteristics in the spell, right?”
Twilight yawned again. “No? Princess Celestia said I didn’t need to.”
“No, I mean Anon’s appearance! That she has to be looking for a mate like Anon.”
Twilight blinked. “I should’ve done that?” The older alicorns shared a look.
Celestia then stepped next to Twilight and placed a wing over her back. “Why don’t you lie down, Twilight? You seem tired. We can handle it from here.” Nodding, the purple pony left the room, nearly falling asleep on the stairs.
The other waited a moment longer to make sure she was out of hearing range. “What should we do!?” Cadance yelled, spinning in circles. “We are so boned! We just foalnapped another human from her home, and we don’t even have the mate of her dreams to appease her! What if she turns evil too?”
“Calm down, Cadance,” Celestia attempted to place a wing on her back, but it was a fruitless endeavour given the speed Cadance was whirling around. “Maybe Anonymous isn’t the mate of her dream, but she could like him. Who knows?” Celestia’s head snapped around. “Stop it, Luna!”
The dark alicorn’s head shot up, her hoof still on the human’s breast. “But they’re so… comforting. I feel like I’m back with our mother, lying in the lush hills of Dream Valley while she groomed my coat with her tongue.”
“Dream Valley? Wasn’t that like the first pony city to ever exist more than ten thousand years ago?” Cadance asked, astonished about the revelation of how old her aunts really were. “Ruled by Queen Majesty, the mare who created the Elements of Harmony?”
“Well, she planted the seed, something called the Rainbow of Light to—Luna, stop it already! Stop molesting the damn human!” This time, not only Luna’s head rose, but that of the human as well.
The alicorns froze as she rubbed her head and looked around. “Was zum Geier geht hier vor?” (What is going on here?) she mumbled. “Und warum riecht es hier so nach Pferd?” (And why does it smell like horses?) She finally noticed Luna, who literally stood right next to where she was sitting. “Oh, darum.” (Oh, that's why)
“This isn’t what it look like?” Luna tried with a sheepish grin and took a step back.
As the human registered the sounds that had come from Luna’s mouth, her eyes widened. “Okay, das klang total als hätte das Pferd gerade versucht mit mir zu sprechen.” (Okay, that just sounded like the horse tried to speak with me.)
“Hello, young one,” Celestia tried again, stepping in her field of vision. Her sudden appearance made the young human jump before she looked up in awe at the large white mare that seemed to tower above her. “Maybe we can try to have a talk this time.”
Tears started to quell in the eyes of the human female, and Celestia feared for a moment that she had said something wrong. “Ich habe Gott gefunden und sie ist eine Stute.” (I found god and she is a mare.) The human quickly brought her long legs under her and pressed her forehead to the ground. “Ich bin nichts weiter als dein Diener du mächtigste aller Kreaturen.” (I'm your humble servant, oh mightiest of all beings.) She then started to mumble even more words in another language, one Celestia was quite fluent in.
“Placere respice in me, puella.” (Please look at me) Celestia interrupted her chants. “Ego sum in sol, princeps hujus mundi.” (I am Celestia, ruler of these lands.) The human started to quiver. Had she pronounced something wrong? “Quaeso, me auxilium tibi.” (Please let me help you.)
This time, she looked up, her eyes filled with tears, nose running. Then Celestia casted her spell, one she had often used in the past. Every time she had went to another world with Star Swirl, to be exact. Invading the mind of another was wrong, so she instead gave the human her own knowledge about the common tongue of Terra. There was a flash of light, and then it was all done.
“Hello, my child, do you understand me now?”
“Yes, I hear you. Your humble servant is at your service.” Well, that wasn’t the answer she expected.
“Rise, stand up. You must be cold on the floor.” The human did as she was told, her head now up to Celestia’s chest. “See, better. Can you tell me your name?”
She paused for a moment before a red hue suffused her face. “My name is Temptress.” Celestia blinked. That was a rather unusual name to give a child.
“She is perfect, right what we need!” Cadance exclaimed, making herself known from behind Celestia. Instantly, the human was on her knees again, face planted against the floor. “Oops, sorry.”
“Cadance, you’re right,” Luna agreed. Temptress flinched on the floor. “If her name speaks true, she is what we need.”
“However I can be of service to the gods,” the human spoke.
Luna pointed a hoof at her. “See. She’s willing to help.”
“Well, first we’re getting her something warm to wear. She seems cold. Maybe even a meal and something to drink. Then we will show her why we called her here.”
“Put it away, put it away!” the female human known as Temptress shrieked. Cadance instantly pressed the button for the next slide to become visible on the wall: a close-up of Shining’s behind she had taken for… research. “Please, I’ve always been a good human. I might not have gone to church every Sunday, but I tried to be nice and help other people. Please tell me that isn’t my eternal punishment for my sins.”
All the mares in the room released a disappointed sigh. “No, you don’t have to bear his young if you don’t want to,” Cadance assured.
While her aunts had seen that the human was fed and clothed, she had set up Twilight’s slide projector again. Temptress had now confirmed what Luna had claimed the other day. No mare in her right mind would want to date Anonymous.
Temptress, who was now clad in bandages around her chest and midsection, slumped down in her seat in relief. “Thank you.” She even hugged Luna, who totally didn’t seem to mind. “Wait.” She quickly looked back at Cadance. “Is that why I was summoned? To be the mate of that… fucktard?!”
“Attack!!!” Cadance yelled and dived under the table.
Celestia, reacting in an instant, summoned large fluffy earmuffs and placed them on all their heads. “You will stop your attacks at once, Temptress!” she yelled in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Otherwise, we will have to take action against you.”
“What? I’m sorry, I don’t want to attack you, honest! I don’t even know what I did!” she pleaded, pulling her legs in and shielding her head with her hands.
“Thou attacked our minds not a moment ago,” Luna accused from the seat next to her. “You claim you didn’t even know you did it?”
“No!” Temptress yelled. “I didn’t do anything.”
Cadance’s head popped up from under the table, and the alicorns exchanged a look. “Are you certain?”
“Yes! All I did was ask if I was summoned to be that fu—”
A wing over her mouth effectively silenced her. “You just tried it again.” Luna’s eyes narrowed.
Temptress slowly shoved the wing away. “What? Saying fucktard?”
“Attack!” Cadance yelled again and vanished. This time, Luna and Celestia also jumped from their seats, horns ablaze with magic.
“We had hoped you wouldn’t be as evil as him, but sadly, it seems we were wrong.” The Princess of the Sun aimed her horn at the human.
Fortunately, Temptress spoke up again before Celestia could fire her attack. “Okay, I get it. Don’t curse. Won’t ever do it again, I promise,” she whimpered. “I didn’t know it bothered you that much. For gods, you all seemed pretty cool so far. No getting thrown out of Paradise, no having to kill my little brother to prove how much I love you, no turning to stone...” Celestia and Luna had the decency to wince at the last statement. “If I had known, I wouldn’t have done it. Please, you must believe me.”
Celestia studied her. Twilight had said that Anonymous had proven to be rather cunning. Still, with how this human sat there, her body pressed into the seat, trembling and with bloodshot eyes, she seemed rather sincere. Making up her minds, she used the gathered magic energy to teleport the earmuffs back to her room in Canterlot. “Please take heed of what you saw. If weaker-minded beings were near, they likely would have fallen for such an intense mental attack.”
Temptress made a zipper motion over her mouth. “Understood. No swearing, especially when children or foals could be near.” Then she threw the imaginary key over her shoulder. “Pinkie promise.”
“Forever!” They all jumped at Pinkie Pie’s sudden appearance, especially the human. The baker pointed a hoof at her eyes, then at Temptress, before slowly vanishing back behind the stool she had appeared from. At the last moment, however, she paused and grabbed an envelope from her mane. “Silly me, nearly forgot to give you that.” The letter landed on the table and then she was gone.
Temptress was the first to speak again. “Can I move now? My legs are starting to lose all feeling in them.” After another round of shared glances, Celestia nodded. Temptress sighed in relief as her feet touched the floor again. “My question still stands. You summoned me to be the mate of that... guy?”
“Well, he recently surrendered because of loneliness,” Cadance explained. “He desired to be a father and to be no longer alone. If it helped keep him on the path of righteousness, we wanted to find him a mate. However, it has to be real love. As Princess of Love, I would stand for nothing less. Therefore, if you don’t find him... appealing,” Temptress gagged, “we will have to search further.”
“So you’re sending me back?”
“Well, not exactly.” Cadance glanced at her aunts for help, but both seemed to have found something interesting on the ceiling. “You see, if we could send someone back, we would have done it with Anonymous a long time ago.”
The girl blinked. “Okay, one thing at a time. You think that fatty is called Anonymous?”
“…Yes?”
She laughed. “That’s an expression some weirdoes use on the Internet. It means that he is anonymous, like using a pseudonym.” The alicorns blinked owlishly at her. “You know, like how you wear a mask at a masquerade?”
“Oh,” they all said.
“He’s probably named Stone or Dove or something. Secondly, he’s a criminal; did I get that right?” They nodded. “And you think it would be best to redeem him by giving him a girlfriend.” Again, they nodded. “Sorry, but are you stupid?”
“Hey now,” Cadance chided. “No need for name calling. We don’t know much about humans. He was the first one to ever come here.” Celestia and Luna chose not to correct her on that statement. Megan’s presence had long faded from the world; there was no sense in bringing her up.
“Okay, hear me out. That!” She pointed at the wall. “That right there is the behind of a pony with some massive balls.”
Cadance beamed. “They are, aren’t they? Don’t you all feel the need to be mounted just by seeing them?” Her eyes glittered in the light of the projector.
“No,” came from the others simultaneously.
“Well, he’s mine anyway,” Cadance harrumphed, sticking her nose up in the air.
“What I meant to say is that this Anonymous guy is just a fat jerk with a neckbeard and a fedora. We have thousands like him at home.” A pang of sympathy went through the ponies for the poor world that had to host such a horde of miserable creatures. “Just tell him to f… go away.”
“Actually, we tried that, back when we didn’t know how evil he was. He then started to destroy vases around my castle.”
“You mean our castle.”
“Hush, Luna.” The dark alicorn pouted. “When he was done with them, he went for the flower pots in the garden. We, of course, demanded that he ceased his assault, but he just showed us one of his digits and went on his way.”
Temptress raised her hand. “This one?” Celestia nodded.
“You seem to be an expert for these Anonymous characters,” Cadance noted.
“I know how to deal with the likes of him,” she confirmed. Suddenly, a smile came to her face. “I think I have an offer for you.”
“Go on.” Celestia leaned forward on the table.
“Since it seems that I’ll be here for a while, I will need lodging, food, and clothing. You agree to accommodate me for as long as I’m here, and I’ll make sure that this guy will never be a problem again.”
Celestia sighed. “We hired many ponies who claimed they could get rid of Anonymous for us. None came back with their sanity intact. His vile attacks broke their minds. Do you really think you’re up to such a task?”
“You don’t need to do that!” Luna hastily added. “I would be more than willing to share my bed with thou.” Her lower lip quivered. “Please.”
Temptress leaned away from the alicorn. “While I’m thankful for your concern, Your Highness, I’m pretty sure I can take him on.”
“That is a pretty tempting off—” Luna began before joining the ooh-ing from the other princesses.
Anonymous had been transported from the Crystal Empire to Ponyville yesterday. He was now waiting in one of the numerous vacant rooms in Twilight’s castle. They had spent the day repeatedly asking Temptress if she could really deal with Anonymous. Temptress had reassured them every time that she only needed five minutes to straighten him out.
She still only had what she called ‘underwear’ on her body, made from fresh bandages, though she had added some to her hands and feet. Now she was adding yet another layer.
“Anon is in that room,” Twilight said. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Temptress rolled her eyes. “You seem to forget that I’m also a human.” Twilight looked confused. “I’m immune against his vile attacks.”
“Oh yeah!” Rainbow Dash yelled from the group of friends standing nearby. “I want to see that!”
“I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash.” Celestia stepped in to block her. “As you’re the Element of Loyalty, we can’t risk you or your friends being corrupted by him.”
“Oh please!” The cocky speedster waved her off. “I’m too awesome for that.”
“I think you should stay with us, Rainbow,” Fluttershy chimed in and stepped next to her friend. “If the princess is worried…” She didn’t need to say more as the other pegasus let out a defeated sigh.
“Also, Twilight wants us here as backup.” Applejack laid a reassuring hoof on her friend’s shoulder. “Ya know, in case he tries to run away again.”
Pleased that Twilight’s friends were under control, Celestia turned to the human. “As soon as you’re in, I will soundproof the room. You won’t be able to come out until the five minutes are over.”
“I understand, Princess. Don’t worry, I’ll keep my end of the deal,” she assured Celestia with a smile.
“We would provide food, lodging, and anything else you would need regardless of whether you succeed or not.”
“I know,” she chirped, “but I totally want to do this now. I mean, he has to be a real jerk to be so nasty to nice folks like you.”
“Well shucks,” Applejack exclaimed. “Thank ya kindly, ma’am. It’s nice to meet a non-evil human too.”
Rarity separated from the rest, a gleam in her eyes. She motioned for Temptress to lean down so she could whisper in her ear. “I know what you’re planning. Give him one from me too, will you, darling?”
“With pleasure.” Temptress stood back up, jumping a few times on the spot. “Okay, I think I’m ready.”
Celestia nodded towards her sister and Cadance, all ready to jump in should Anonymous try anything. The female human stepped through the crack in the double doors as the golden aura of the princess opened them. With a mighty bang, they closed again right behind her. In all this, nobody noticed that a certain chromatic pegasus had slipped away. Out of one open window, and in again through another, she now could watch Temptress stepping inside the room.
Anon was there too. He sat on a couch, jerking to his feet when the door closed rather firmly. “Oh!” His eyes wandered over the approaching female with unhindered lust, and Rainbow’s sharp eyes noticed a small bulge building up in his pants. A really small bulge that could also just be his trousers shifting as he waddled on the spot. He took off his ugly hat, and his hand went through his greasy hair. “Well, aren’t you a nine out of ten.” He grinned, showing off his crooked teeth. “I’m so going to bang you into the floor.”
His hand wandered to the tie he had around his neck and started to loosen it, which was probably his saving grace. When Temptress was in range, she grabbed the tie and yanked at it. Anonymous’ trembling belly now pressed against Temptress’ toned one. “Oh, rather agress…” A faint wheeze could be heard, like air escaping from a balloon. “…ive,” Anon finished and collapsed to the ground.
“Oh shut up, you fat fuck!” Rainbow couldn’t believe her ears, which were burning like mad from the mental attack. “Tricking these poor ponies in trying to get you a living fleshlight. Don’t you have any dignity at all?” Her right foot violently slammed into Anonymous’ side, forcing even more air out of him. “Now I’m stuck here too, thanks to you. The white goddess out there nearly roasted me alive because I cursed!” Rainbow grimaced as Temptress’ fist came down on his nose, a loud crack echoing in the room. “That’s for destroying Princess Celestia’s vase collection.” The fist came down again. “That’s for eating her cake.” And again. “For stealing Luna’s favourite katana.” And again. “For shaving Rarity’s cat.” Rainbow squeezed her eyes shut. “For destroying Rainbow’s house.” And her eyes promptly flew open again. “For…” Temptress halted her assault. “Okay, that one was funny. For the bad impression you made on humanity.”
Huffing and puffing, the female rose. “This is my turf now. I don’t want to ever see you again. If I even catch a hint of your stink near me, we'll continue this. Am I clear?”
“All I wanted was a girlfriend,” Anonymous whimpered.
“Then get in shape, wash your damn body, and go out there instead of sitting around all day playing with your junk. You don’t need to be stacked with muscles, you know. Women just want a halfway decent-looking guy. And whatever else you’re missing, you can make up with charisma and being interesting and funny. But first you need to get a life, you fucking weirdo!” She kicked him again, this time on the ass. “Now get lost! The door’s over there.”
Anon flopped around like a fish for a moment before getting to his feet and sprinting towards the direction Temptress pointed. He reached out to open the double doors, only for them to remain firmly shut, causing his head to collide with the wood. He slumped down onto the floor, unconscious.
“That. Was. Awesome!” Rainbow flew down and landed in front of Temptress. “Did you see his face? The fat fucking bastard had it coming. I mean, fuck, girl! You punch like a bull! You have to show me your moves some time. I mean, that couldn’t have been the last fucking idiot who’ll try something funny. Fuck!” Rainbow then noticed that the female didn’t move. Instead, one of her hands just pointed behind her. Rainbow turned.
There, in the now open doorway, stood all the princesses, even Cadance with little Flurry Heart on her back, together with the rest of their friends. Scootaloo and the other two Crusaders were there as well. Celestia didn’t seem very pleased as she stepped over Anonymous’ body.
“I still can’t believe this,” the filly with the dark brown coat mumbled. Her auburn mane was done in a little braid that complimented her rather well. What would make her drop-dead gorgeous once she grew into a mare were the lighter tones her coat transitioned into towards her hooves and muzzle. Socks were a new trend among mares that made stallions drop out their sheathes left and right. Her sky-blue eyes would be the icing on the cake.
“You have to look on the bright side,” Cadance chirped. “You’ve gotten a second chance, and with my parenting skills, we’ll make sure that you don’t turn into a violent, cursing mare this time. Plus, you’re getting a sister as well. Flurry will be happy to have you, as will Shining.”
Temptress—no, Sweet Cheeks as her new ‘mother’ had named her—stuck her tongue out. “I didn’t ask for this. When you said rehabilitation, I thought you meant going to a school for a few hours a day. Not all four princesses zapping me back to nearly wearing diapers. Oh, and did I mention the whole turning-into-a-pony part?”
“What’s wrong with being a pony? You get magic, the ability to gain a cutie mark, and you can find a very special somepony of your own!” Cadance nearly jumped next to her in glee.
“Then why didn’t you do this to Anon?”
The Princess of Love paused. “Err…” She hummed, looked at the ground, then to the sky. The tip of her right wing then stroked her chin for a moment. “Maybe next time?” she managed with a hesitant smile.
Sweet Cheeks sighed as they continued on their way. Their destination was already in sight: a large three storey building that looked like Hansel and Gretel couldn’t be far away. What the pink pony had left after her sudden appearance the other day had been an invitation to a party. All four princesses had agreed that it was a good first step for rehabilitation to join the festivities.
“Won’t they expect a human?”
Cadance answered with a smile as she opened the door for her to enter. Nervously, the filly strode forward into the dark bakery. “Surprise!” Nearly twenty voices yelled as one as a switch was flipped, engulfing the room in light. Cheeks jumped, not from the surprise, but because of the volume of voices. Her sensitive new pony ears pinned themselves to her skull as her eardrums begged for mercy.
Her eyes did the opposite and stared upwards, from the ponies, to the massive cake in the middle of the room and then to the banner under the ceiling. ‘Welcome to Equestria, Lena Temptress Sweet Cheeks.’ There was a second, smaller one added to that with duct tape. ‘Happy First Day of Rehabilitation.’
“Great,” she mumbled under her breath.
In the next moment, the pink pony was in her face again. “And? Were you surprised?”
* * *
Half an hour later, Sweet Cheeks managed to get away from the ponies. There had been so many of them in all colours of the rainbow. They had a host of eclectic names to match, most of which she had forgotten already. At least now she was free. She opened the back door of the establishment and walked out in the rather cool spring night. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky and the stars lit up the surrounding area.
“They can be annoying, can’t they?” Cheek’s head whirled around to the familiar voice. There, leaning next to the door and sipping from a wooden mug, was Anon. His fedora was missing, but the evidence of their last meeting was still visible in his face. His nose seemed crooked and his right eye was swollen and bruised black and blue.
“You!” she shrieked and pointed a hoof at him. “Didn’t I say I never wanted to see you again?”
“Hey, I’m not the one that dragged you into this,” he shot back.
“No, you’re just the reason the ponies summoned me in the first place!” She could shout and one of the ponies inside would come for sure. They would capture him again, and he would endure the same punishment. However, when she had said to the princesses that she had tried to be a good person, she hadn’t lied. While she despised her fellow human, she didn’t think he could handle another beating and worse from the ponies. With that in mind, she only hissed, “All because you had to be such a jerk.”
This time, Anon rolled his eyes. “You’ve met the same ponies I did, right? If you’re not a goody-good mister nice guy, you’re automatically a jerk. Well, at least for the princesses. Most ponies are rather cool with swearing, but with them, it’s like their mother told them that only bad ponies swear and they still believe that. Look at it this way—you beat up a villain for them, and they turned you into a foal as a reward.”
For an entire minute, they simply regarded each other. Cheeks used the silence to mull over his words. Despite herself, she had to admit that Anon had a point. “And, what will you do now?”
Anonymous emptied his mug in one go and released a belch. “You really want to know?” She nodded. “Take your tips to heart, actually. Get in shape and so on. To that end, I think I’ll travel for a while. You know, see other places and people. I hear the hippogriffs have a nice gig going on.” He paused. “And a pearl that can turn you into anything you want.”
Her eyebrows rose. “Really?”
“Really.”
She looked back at the entrance of the bakery. She could go back; live a life as a pony princess. Cadance seemed rather nice, and she had always wanted a little sister to get into mischief together. She could grow up again, find a nice stallion to settle down with, and have a bunch of cute foals herself.
But that wasn’t the human way.
“Are you looking for a traveling companion?”
As the two figures walked away into the dark of the night, nobody looked up to the moon. If anyone had bothered, they would have seen the massive writing on the surface that read: ‘Twilight, get me down egghead!’
