Different Worlds

by OMGitsPinkiePie

Seeking Revenge

Chapter 1

One remarkable day, the Queen of the Changelings woke up feeling ever so tired, so she got up from her soft and comfy bed and made herself a hot cup of coco. In her bedroom, she had picture of Twilight and her friends to shoot darts at on the wall above her television set. Ever since her defeat, she has grown a strong hatered for the main six. Not just for the main six, but for Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. She also shoots darts at their picture on the left side of the other picture.

"Are you alright my queen?" Chrysalis heard one of the changelings say to her. She jumped a little, but she wasn't scared.

She let out an uncomfortable sigh and said "Remember the wedding of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor and they defeated me?"

"Yes we do and we all know how our queen hates taking defeat, but loves defeating others." said the changeling.

"That's just it! I've wanted to get revenge ever so badly," said the queen. "But if I try, they'll do the same as before! What do I do?"

"Well, why not have a companion?" said the changeling.

"What do you mean?"

"Every evil queen needs an evil king!"

"Go on."

"So you could go and find one!"

"Yes, of course! Why didn't I see this before? You're a genius! But, where will I find myself a king at this
hour? I mean, it's not like I'm going to find the perfect one the minute I see him." They kept thinking about that question until it finally hit them.

"Discord!" they both said together.

"Wait, how do you know about Discord?" said the changeling.

"You told me remember? He is literally the definition of chaos! He's the perfect king for me! But I thought he was encased in stone. We're sort of stuck there." said the queen.

So the changeling gave a sigh and said "It's like you forget that you have the most powerful magic and you can used that to break him out! Not only that, but you have a second chance to take over Equestria!" Queen Chrysalis was absolutely loving this idea.

"OK, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to disguise myself as a Ponyville citizen, a unicorn specifically, and break him out. Then, I'll ask him to be my king. If he says yes, we'll be the perfect team!"

"You mean like Sherlock Holmes and Watson?" asked the changeling.

"Exactly! Now, to get my new king." Queen Chrysalis said with an evil smile. She flew from her beloved home to Ponyville, but changed into Lyra Heartstrings before anypony could see her. She trotted hoof by hoof on the warm ground trying to find Discord's statue. If I had changed into a pegasus, this would be alot faster she thought to herself.

When she finally got there, Queen Chrysalis tried to find his soul in the rough statue.

"What are you doing here?" she heard in the winds of the air.

"Discord? I-Is that you?" she asked the statue.

"Who did you think it was? Even though I'm imprisoned in stone I can still talk! Now, what do you want?" said Discord.

"I'm not who you think I am. Allow me to introduce myself." she paused while walking up to the statue. "I'm the queen of the changelings and-"

"What's a changeling?" Discord interrupted.

"Would you let me finish?" said Chrysalis. "As I was saying, changelings can take the form of whoever or whatever they want. We were planning to take over Equestria, but first I need a king to help me."

"OK, so what do you want ME to do about it? Hello? Imprisoned in stone over here, remember?" he asked. So Queen Chrysalis made a deal with him.

"Tell you what, I will break you out of your stone prison if you take over Equestria with me as the Lord of Chaos."

"This should be fun! OK, I'll do it!" the Lord of Chaos willingly spoke.

With all of the queen's might, she used her magic to free him. The stone started chipping away starting from his head. Then it went down to the chest. Then to the waist all the way down to his feet. When the spell was finally complete, Discord bounced of joy.

"Yes! HA HA I'm finally free!"

"Shh!" She covered his mouth, "Not so loud. We don't want anypony to know about this, remember?"

"I hope the little ponies missed me," Discord said, "cause I am going to enjoy every moment of this."

A few moments later, Queen Chrysalis brought Discord back to her world in her true form. "Now, if you were king, how would you run things in Equestria?" the queen asked. "Well, it would be awesome to have ponies worship me as the king," Discord started "but what's the point if were not having fun while doing it?"

"What?"

"You know like pulling pranks, maybe dazzle this boring place with some music, and fun stuff like that!" At the snap of Discord's fingers, a radio appeared playing rock music.

"How did you do that?" said the Queen of the changelings.

"Your not the only one who is talented with magic, my queen. With both of our powers combined, nothing and nopony can stop us!"

"You know what? You have got a point there, Discord. Oh and by the way," she said, "You can call me Chrysalis!" Together, they were the ultimate rulers of Equestria.

"Wait a minute," Discord started, "what are we going to do about Celestia? She'll try to stop us the minute she hears the words 'Discord is back in town' Also if you're back, she would not be happy either."

"Don't worry. I got that covered already." Chrysalis said, "Before I went to Ponyville, I took a left turn to Canterlot and tied her up. I put a spell on it that made it indestructible!"

"Hey, your not so bad after all!" Discord said, "I like the way you think! Prepared for stuff before they happen."

"Your not so bad yourself! Let's just see if my subjects think the same thing." She got out a megaphone and said, "If you want Discord to be our new king, say I!" All of the changelings said I. "Well, I think we are all on the same page!" said Chrysalis, "Everypony loves you!"

"Just as I have expected!" said Discord. They flew away to Ponyville. "Come along my fellow changelings!" said Chrysalis, "We have work to do."

Comments

[Milante]

Needs a good deal of editing. Also, you need to watch what tense you're writing in, you kept switching between past and present tense.

[Piquo Pie]

If I was not at work I would totally read this right now. I might anyway...

First thoughts, a interesting and unique take on epic pony adventure with current villans. Looking forward to it.

Edit: Saw chapter 1 was only a thousand word. It is very fast paced and focuses on ideas and a comedic writing style, almost like a troll fic but so far not really troll like in content. I will wait for next chapter before thumbs up/down.

Also you had a format glitch in the first few paragraphs, please fix as it is the only glaring error.

[OMGitsPinkiePie]

974704 What kind of editing? Like, grammar and spell editing?

[C&Ssisk]

yah pretty much gramar. read aloud and edit for grammar. Also add a hook use descriptive writing. good luck.

[C&Ssisk]

yah pretty much gramar. read aloud and edit for grammar. Also add a hook use descriptive writing. good luck.

[Changeling Recruit]

A little fast paced. Maybe slow down a bit, perhaps?

[Perteks]

Da fuq i just read D:

But looking for more

[Milante]

Grammar and paragraph structuring, as well as spelling. Also, you need to look at how to format your paragraphs when writing dialogue. Each new speaker (with scant few exceptions) should start a new paragraph, otherwise it gets confusing.

[OMGitsPinkiePie]

Constructive criticism is appreciated! I'm new to fanfiction so I need some tips.

[arandompenguin]

Ok, a couple of things, there was very few grammatical or spelling mistakes in this, and I congratulate you on that, but there are some other things that should probably be addressed.
The first one is really a structural error but most fanfiction writers tend to overlook it. When using speech, put each new dialogue on a new line, however if the speech is being said by the same person but with a break in it (i.e. "And then Ponyville..." She paused dramatically, "It will be mine!") then it carries on the same line.
Then there is the actual writing, you use basic description and never really develop the environment, if you vary the language used (i.e. using more complex language such as 'horrible' instead of 'bad') and put some time into describing the area they are in (i.e. instead of 'She sat down and decided to eat a potato.' you have 'She sat down on the cool surface of her oak chair and decided to eat a potato) then it keeps the reader interested and betters your work.
And then the pacing, you mentioned in an offhand way how Celestia was tied up with unbreakable rope, when did this happen? For a piece that's around 1000 words long you sure packed a lot in there, and that's not necessarily a good thing. Try to spread things out more, add in extra bits such as emotions etc. that give your story more depth.
And finally there is the use of the Proper Noun, almost every time you refer to the character as 'Queen Chrysalis', 'Discord' or 'the changeling', since you've established their names you can sometimes use descriptions in place of the name. (i.e. instead of 'Queen Chrysalis' put 'the Queen of the changelings', or for 'Discord' put 'the Lord of Chaos' etc) However, make sure you don't overdo it.
Anyway, this was a really long comment but I hope it helps you, the best thing you can do is to take the advice given to you by me and by others and try writing this chapter again, see if you make it better. I'll abstain from liking/disliking this fiction for now, and I hope to see what you can do.

[Whisper's Lightning]

i agree with arandompenguin
but lets see what i have to say shall we?
1) you stole the cover art from me. The whole reason I started writing that fic in the first place was because the picture(and a very close friend) inspired me to. I dont't appreciate it. It's not my art to take claim for, and being an artist i understand fully how irritating it is when you find your work has been disclaimed. I taked to the artist myself and let her know I was using her work.
2) Now I dont know were you got your iea from, and I'm not going to jump right out and accuse you of stealing because I dont know who thought of the idea first. But if you did take my idea, shame. If you admit to it,no harm done. My bud was telling me his fic idea the other day that sounded oddly enough like Story of the Blanks. Never had he even heard of the idea, and was depressed at the thought that the idea was his own and original. Sadly,now,he won't be writing it. Point is, its not appreciated when sommeone steals anothers work.
3) I appreciate you commenting nicely on y fic Buzz of Chaos, even thouh .y work is as horrid as it could be in that story. so thanks
4) Ok the description seems redundant. Thats all im sayin

[OMGitsPinkiePie]

1339211 Dude I got that picture from Google Images I swear! Besides I'm not planning to finish or go on with this story. I only did it to see if I was any good at this fanfiction writing stuff. Now I'm taking a creative writing class (not really, but a language arts class) and it teaches me to be a better writer.

So thank you for crushing my dreams as a famous author.