Twilight covered her mouth with her cloak and wished she had brought a scarf, and maybe vinegar. Celestia hadn't warned her about this.
Sierra Maredre was deep in the San Palomino desert. The area was rocky and covered in canyons and mesas, but that didn't stop sand and dust from choking the air. Yet even that was only just a part of what she saw.
The ground was painted orange naturally, but there was nothing natural about the city they were approaching. The entire thing was blanketed in a strangling green haze that oozed more than floated through the sky. Entire clouds of the stuff hung around, flipping an obscene gesture to the natural wind that just couldn't seem to dislodge them.
When they got close, things were no better. The buildings themselves were a patchwork of metal, bolted and welded together. Remnants of metal objects of all kinds - chairs, wheels, chariots, light posts, buckets, and more - were all broken down and fused together to create monstrosities of “architecture” that would haunt the nightmares of the ponies that designed the Harmony State Building. The bright neon signs attached all over them were signal beacons for pegasi as much as they were advertising; without them, the polluted smog was so thick that anything with wings risked breaking their skulls on metal walls if they moved at anything faster than a hover. Somehow, defying the odds, and maybe even sanity considering the amount of corrosion on them, the buildings here were every bit as tall as the skyscrapers in Manehatten.
The wind itself was sick with disease. Most ponies that were outside had some kind of mask. A few had full-fledged gas masks, while most used bandanas or construction dust masks. Many had goggles, especially the pegasi.
“Well, we're here.” Rose pulled down her own goggles. “Where did you want to go?”
“The Duchy Government building. I'm assuming it's around here somewhere,” Twilight said between coughs. “Then probably somewhere I can buy a gas mask or something if I'm going to have to be here. How can anypony live like this?”
“We're not pampered princesses out here, Lady Sparkle. It takes a tougher breed to make it in San Palomino. Lotsa ponies don't realize that and wind up running home.”
“More like ‘breed immune to poison.’ This level of pollution cannot be legal!”
“It isn't.” Aurora made a sound like smacking lips that she didn't have. “I'm detecting low-level thaumic contamination. It's oddly weak, despite the density. A pony could survive this, but would have a very high risk of serious health problems over the long term. Either way, it definitely exceeds Crown safety regulations.”
“I don't know what you think the law in San Palomino is, Lady Sparkle, but here it's more of a guideline. Or maybe an optional service.”
Twilight would have dropped her jaw, but didn't want the smog to corrode away teeth. “The law isn't supposed to be optional, Rose. It's why they're called laws.”
“Maybe, but that's not how it works here. Trust me, I know. Here, let me show you.” Rose went into a dive, taking them down to street level near the core of the city. Strangely, the air was slightly clearer and less green than the space a hundred feet or so higher. The dirt and stone boulevard was quite spacious, especially compared to older large cities. Ponies didn't mill about like they did at the markets there or in Ponyville, though. They made beelines from one building to another, going directly to their destinations without slowing down for anything.
Rose led them to the center of a large intersection, in the middle of which was a five-story bulletin board. The pages were normal on the bottom, easy to read for anypony with normal vision. Higher up they were either exclusively for pegasi, or were extra large with huge print for those without wings (or perhaps binoculars). In the middle was another neon sign reading, “Dominion of Dust Bounty Hunters.”
The posts themselves featured just about anything and everything you'd expect of a community bulletin board. There were job offers, job seekers, advertising for rooms, bands, businesses, and any manner of other things. About half, though, were rewards for bounties, which meant there were hundreds of them. Some were nothing but lists of names next to bit values. The cheapest landed at a couple hundred bits, while others easily broke five figures.
“So, let's say your apartment gets robbed.” Rose pulled out a canteen and guzzled some of it. “Here, you don't go and get the police. There's no police to get, really. You—”
“I'm aware of the general state of things.” Twilight pulled off one of the bounty ads and scanned it. “Public services are minimal here. Law enforcement agencies are largely limited to either private entities or Crown agents, the latter of which is usually only concerned with major crimes. The former are largely bounty hunters, who are often loosely organized into associations such as Dominion of Dust. Quite frankly, this system is a catastrophic failure.”
Rose dropped her jaw despite the pollution all around. “But… It's how we do things! You aren't going to stop it, are you? There's a lot of bounty hunters that rely on this for a job!”
Twilight put the paper back. “I'm not saying bounty hunters can't somehow be part of the solution. What I am saying is that this…” Twilight motioned to the buildings around her. “... is completely unacceptable. Not even Shanghay has this kind of pollution, or general lack of public safety.”
Rose sighed. “Maybe, but you can't just go tearing everything apart. It's already here, you know? If you start pulling stuff out, it'll hurt. There's nothing we can do about it.”
“Sometimes it's necessary to go through a little pain for greater long-term gain, like getting an injection.
“Also, I can understand how you might feel there's nothing you can do about this. Me, though? That's another story.” Twilight turned to the top of the large tower in the distance. It was far more solid than any of the others, like it was made by a pony that had some clue of what they were doing rather than slapped together with whatever was lying around. That would be where the Duke would live and work, if the nature of the nobility had taught her anything. “Time to go have a talk with the Duke!”
The ground rumbled.
Twilight shared a look with Rose. “I didn't think I wasthat loud. Earthquake, maybe?”
Metal groaned and cried out. Pieces fell from the tower ahead and to their left.
No… No, tell me this isn't…
Twenty stories of metal and wood and objects screamed out as the entire thing listed to the side from some failing point a few levels up, only to be joined by the chorus of terror from the ponies inside. Pegasi jumped out of windows and flittered away, and a stampede rushed out from the doors.
“Hold it up! I'm going to try and catch some of them!” Rose was gone in an instant, pulling ponies out of windows and getting them to safety.
Twilight lashed out with her horn, grabbing hold of the tower itself and pulling on one side to even it out. The building laughed at her feeble magic; this was no mere water tower.
With a blink, she shifted to her magic sight. The green smoke was replaced with red, and it slathered itself on her corneas. The faintest of pinpoints were in front of her, but those were the wellsprings of the ponies already outside the tower. She needed much more.
She lit her horn and sparked her way through reality, but the smog grabbed her and tossed her about like a cat playing on the control panel of her magic. My spell! She fell through the air, now six stories up and with nothing to stand on. There was plenty of space, though, inside the tower.
Twilight locked onto the sight of a frightened pony inside a window. She sparked her spell again, this time slamming her body into the interior wall of the room while the miasma laughed at her miscalculation. Her hoof scraped against a rough metal floor as she recovered, launching herself at the mare she saw desperately grasping a sofa for stability. As her hooves made contact, she teleported one last time, exciting somewhere roughly close to the ground. At least, it was close enough to land without dying.
“Run!” Twilight screamed, firing her horn once more while the tower continued its listing. Whether the pony actually moved or not after that point was irrelevant; the Grand Mage was already back in the air, looking for another scared pony, magic distortion be damned.
She had found one, and another, and another. Purple blips of magic crackled through the sky one after another as ponies found a saviour tearing spacetime asunder to bring them to safety despite the odds.
Yet said odds were too great for some.
A crack broke through the polluted air, and debris exploded out from the side of the tower even though no bomb ever went off. Random chunks of metal spewed forth, powered by the sheer, unsustainable weight of the monstrosity. The sky was falling.
Twilight's heart pumped only tears as a second crack exploded up above her. The tower broke into three pieces, folding in on itself as it fell. More and more ponies jumped from windows, but not all of them had wings.
She sparked her horn again, ignoring her inner ear as it turned her stomach and vision into a whirl. Another pony was saved, followed by another and another.
Dozens more hit the ground, somewhere in the cloud birthed from the formation of untold thousands of tons of rubble. Icy death reached out in silence, muffled by the roaring destruction.
“Medic!” The smoke ripped apart her lungs as Twilight screamed out. “Get medics here! Get them here now!”
Rose was somewhere in the cloud. “They’re on their way. Count on it. There's a fortune to be made on it.”
“To Tartarus with the bills! I'll pay them myself if it'll get them here faster! Just get me some medics!” Twilight sparked forward once more, and found herself standing atop the brand-new mountain of debris. Sharp metal and concrete was everywhere. Twisted, pointed steel reached out for anypony stupid and unlucky enough to climb onto it. Sight, please, don't let me down… “There's one here!”
A tiny point of violet light pulsed in her vision. There was a unicorn buried underneath her hooves. Piece by piece, she tossed away the rubble, lifting entire water towers’ worth of weight at a time with her magic until, at last, an adolescent stallion coughed and cried in the sickly green sunlight.
A couple of brave ponies came up behind them, carefully tip-hoofing around the makeshift swords jutting out of the fallen building. They went to carry the pony out and add him to the growing number of injured. About the only saving grace was that he wasn't added to the list of deaths.
Most of the other ponies weren't so lucky.
Within minutes, ponies from a nearby hospital were triaging the wounded and organizing them. Some, dressed in suits, were loading the less fortunate onto carts. All the while, Twilight found countless blips of light, pulling them out even as their wellsprings faded. Eventually, though, the lights went out.
“That's all of them…” Twilight panted and licked her dry, cracked lips. “I don't see any more.”
“Are you sure.” Rose sucked on her long since dry canteen, presumably out of habit. “How can you even tell?”
Twilight started to spin some lie in her mind, but gave up. There just didn't seem to be a point. “I can see wellsprings, even through a few walls. There's nopony left alive in there. No more wellsprings still shining.”
Even without her water, Rose swallowed. “Whoa. That's… Whoa.”
“Yeah. Keep quiet about it. Or don't. I don't really care much right now.” Twilight climbed off the rubble, then made her way through an entire maze of debris that had been cleared off by ponies. Outside that, at the makeshift ER, were even more bodies. Nurses, doctors, and medics were scattered about, but there wasn't near enough to cover everypony.
Twilight's ear twitched.
“Do you have employment or means to pay your bill?”
You have got to be kidding me. Twilight followed the sound, making her way to a mare with a clipboard hovering over a wounded stallion. “I wasn't aware asking somepony for their bank details was part of medical treatment, Miss.”
The mare tilted her glasses at her. “It's standard procedure. We aren't a charity. If they can't afford to pay for their care, we send them on their way.”
“Not anymore.” Twilight sucked in a full breath of the putrid, dust-filled air and beat back the need to cough with a mental baseball bat. “Attention! As Grand Mage, I am making an emergency decree! Henceforth, it shall be unlawful to the degree of a felony to refuse medical evaluation and emergency treatment to anypony, regardless of their ability to pay! It shall be unlawful to the degree of a felony to medially triage anypony by ability to pay or by any other measure except by medical need! Anypony needing financial assistance for medical bills relating to this disaster should contact Canterlot Castle!”
“You can't--”
Twilight glared at her and flared her nostrils. “I just did. Grand Mages have the ability to issue laws by decree in emergency situations. Oh, sure, the Council might counteract me, but they won't be in session again for a few more weeks. Odds are Celestia will uphold it for at least the duration of this disaster.
“But if you really want to push it…” Twilight pulled out a piece of paper from her bag and started scribbling on it.
---- WANTED!!!! ----
REWARD! INFORMATION LEADING TO ARREST AND CONVICTION OF MEDICAL PERSONNEL IN VIOLATION OF THE DECREE OF THE GRAND MAGE REGARDING TREATMENT OF THE INJURED DUE TO TOWER COLLAPSES!
INFORMATION REWARD: 10,000 BITS
CAPTURE BOUNTY: 15,000 BITSINQUIRE AT CANTERLOT CASTLE!
One spell later, and the page was affixed to the bulletin board.
“There.” Twilight shot one last glare to the mare. “Disobey me at your own risk. That kind of money will have ponies all over you the moment you step out of line. And if I hear of you or anypony else breaking this law, you'll go from ‘source of frustration’ to ‘actionable objective.’ Clear?”
The mare sighed and grumbled, then packed up her things and left in a huff.
“What now?” Rose shook out her wings. “You know healing magic?”
Twilight shook her head. “I know a little, but nothing that would help much here. My thaumic profile isn't very well attuned to it. The doctors here will do far more than I ever could.
“Come on, I'm going to go hunt down Badlands and scare the piss out of him for letting things get this bad. Follow me and look tough; they'll think you're a member of my Guard.”
“I'd ask if I was getting paid for this, but at this point I'm more afraid of you tearing my wellspring out of my chest.”
Twilight froze just as the words hit home. It didn't help that her adrenaline was fading, too. “I'm not like that. You can go if you want.”
Rose did something akin to cringing, but not quite. Even Twilight's vocabulary wasn't able to really describe the reaction succinctly, but the message was clear: she was surprised. “I'm… I'm not one to leave somepony hanging, or hurt them for no reason,” Rose said. “I won't even take most of the jobs in the board; don't like the idea of nabbing somepony innocent. The ponies that call themselves bandits are a lot easier on the conscience. Pay better, too.”
“So you'll help me?”
“Why not?” Rose shrugged. “I don't have anything better to do. Besides, walking around with the Grand Mage will be huge for my reputat—” Her ear twitched, and her teeth clenched down.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Sorry, little twitch I have. It's worse on the nights with the really bad nightmares. Like I said, being seen with you will help my reputation, so I don't really see a downside here.”
Twilight smiled as wistfully as one could in the middle of the world's worst pollution cloud. “Glad to hear it. Come on, let's get going.”
They left the scene of carnage behind, though it refused to leave Twilight. The ghosts behind her followed, just as they would forever.
“Whoa. This place isn't half bad. Never been here before.”
Twilight curled her lip at the sight. She wanted to be way more angry than she was. She wanted to agree with Rose and be impressed at the opulence so that she could scorn Badlands for living high on the hog while his ponies died. After growing up at the side of the Princess, though, she just couldn't find a way to do it.
The decor of the building was a step up from the others, but it was still scrap cobbled together from the waste of broken trash Manehatten would throw out. Desks, tables, chairs, lamps, they all had telltale damage and wear from age. Some of them were literally created from trash welded and nailed together. A series of machines in the wall pumped in filtered air, though they couldn't remove all of the miasma.
Was it nice? Certainly not by Canterlot standards. By San Palomino standards, though, it was luxury.
“Wow,” Rose whistled. “The walls are painted drywall! Don't see that much in this city.”
Twilight fought against raising an eyebrow and merely grunted in agreement as they made their way to a lobby with a sign and a set of elevators. Some hired security guards, or more accurately, thugs, eyed them both as they approached. “Duke's office, floor sixty. Figures, he's on the top level.”
“Pardon me, Miss.” One of the thugs half-growled. “Nopony sees the boss without an appointment. And you're definitely not on the list.”
Rose dropped into a combat stance, but Twilight held her off with a raised hoof.
Hmmm… Twilight eyed the elevator. It looked as cobbled together as anything else in the tower, but there was something else that raised the hairs on the back of her neck. “Alright, I'll go. For now. But he and I are going to have words very soon. Tell him that I'll be back - unannounced - and we will talk then.”
She left the tower and the smug, amused thugs, a confused Rose close behind. When they were outside, the heavy pegasus cleared her throat to demand attention.
“Ahem! Mind filling me in here? You looked like you were ready to break his door down a few minutes ago.” Rose scratched her head with a wing tip. “And you dealt with Dagger’s crew without breaking a sweat. Those guys wouldn't have stood a chance.”
“Maybe not, but I'm not eager to go up that building’s elevator.” Twilight folded her forelegs and closed one eye to look at the tower in the setting sun. “I imagine this wouldn't come naturally to a pegasus, but creaky elevators are freaky to those of us without wings. But that's not what I'm most worried about.
“Going in there could be committing suicide. If they wanted to off us, they could cut the cable. Without line of sight, teleporting is extremely risky, and this pollution is messing with my spell, so even if we tried to escape that way, we would probably die. They could even stop it at a floor they wanted and just fire a ton of cored cannons at it, filling us with holes. It's a literal death trap.”
Rose shuddered. “I didn't even think of that. This is why I don't like bounty hunting in the city. Too many variables. I prefer to catch my bad guys out in the desert. Nowhere to hide.”
“I doubt Badlands is going to give us the luxury of falling into a trap like that. Besides…” Twilight looked aaround to keep an eye out for the thugs, making sure she was out of earshot. “Right now I can't do anything to him directly. Not enough evidence. But I can try to shake him up, see if he screws up down the line.
“Meanwhile, I need to track down any leads on Farriér. If I find his base, I'll find my friend. First things first, though. I need to get a gas mask. Any ideas where I can buy one?”
“Yeah, follow me.”
Twilight did so, pushing against the polluted wind as a sandstorm birthed into being around them. Ponies fled into doors and even windows as the monster kicked up so much dirt, dust, and debris that Twilight had to fight to keep Aurora from deploying. Eventually, they arrived under a pair of glowing pink and green neon signs. The pink read “Hunter's Hovel,” while the green was a stylized outline of a small mounted gun, some classes of which were legal in San Palomino.
The other classes were sold anyway.
There was a grid of bars over the tiny, round window in the door. The larger storefront windows had a display hiding the inside of the shop, and were also covered in makeshift bars welded out of pipes. What rust was left on the walls would certainly be sandblasted away by the storm: a twisted convenience in a punishing landscape.
Twilight tucked her cloak in tight to cover up her torc as they marched inside. A little bell over the door rang as it opened, then kept ringing from the wind until the entryway was sealed up once again.
The inside was as worn and improvised as the outside. Old wood counters and tables with fading, peeling paint were the norm. Behind the counter, cubbie holes of various sizes held equally diverse pieces of equipment for sale. Along the walls were heavier pieces like mounted cannons and even full suits of enchanted armor. All of it was being watched over from behind the counter by a lanky salespony with more piercings than teeth.
“Hey, Topper.” Rose sat down next to one of the displays. “Heck of a day, huh? Don't suppose you got any gas masks that can put up with the weather today?”
“Sure thing!” Topper pressed something under the counter. “You're right. She's here!”
The lights cut out.
Twilight's armor replaced them, burning bright as Aurora deployed. Something long and round, like a pipe, cut through the darkness and flew at her quicker than she could blink. Her spell charged in her horn, ready to put up a shield for battle, but the object already filled her vision. Pain ran down her head and into each of her limbs, setting every nerve on fire.
It had hit her horn.
Twilight swam in the pain, paddling in her mind to surface to fight for her life. More blows came, eventually beating through her half-formed shield. Aurora hardened, trapping Twilight in place, blocking every bit of damage they could dish out. Just as the fog of agony was lifting, a glass bottle shoved its way into her mouth. Foamy, fizzy light poured over her tongue and cheered the sounds of struggle from the other side of the room. It played like campers around a campfire who had too many tambourines and bongos, but more and more gathered until the waving, laughing lights pulled a psychedelic canopy over her her eyes as she finished every last drop.
“Freeze! Down on the ground!”
The sounds of cannons ripped through the room and Twilight's otherworldly haze. She felt herself dragged along, limp and choking on blue while something metal pressed against her head.
Another shot rang out, and she was free. Free as a--
Light burned through the haze, leaving nothing but ash in its wake. Twilight blinked a few times, bringing the real world back a little more each time. The bodies of four ponies lay on the floor, each pumped full of gunshot, save for one that only had a single hole in his head. Her own body was blessedly free of such violation, though her skin and armor were screaming about another problem.
Lines of magic power and enchantment were lit along her body like a living magic circle, or even a Hearth’s Warming tree. The intricacies and detail flaring in sky-blue light could only mean one thing: she had been poisoned, and Luna's protective ward had to fight to keep up. The magic bore through Aurora like she'd been made of glass instead of opaque metal. The fact that it was fading without sending her back into a psychedelic episode meant that even if it was late, it was working.
Rose, meanwhile, was choking and spitting out as much of the stuff as she could while a stallion wearing a Crown Agent’s badge looked over her. Behind her was a secret door left open to a dingy back room, which was no doubt where the ambush came from.
“Hold still!” The officer pony, clad in a trench coat, jabbed a needle into Rose’s side and pressed down on the syringe. “This’ll counteract the Elixir.”
“Elixir?” Twilight asked, spitting up the traces of the poison.
“It's okay. Ow…” Rose sucked in a breath through her clenched teeth as the needle came out. “I only downed a few drops. But I think she had a whole bottle.”
“I'll be fine.” Twilight rubbed the enchantments on her body. “A gift from Princess Luna. It took a moment to kick in, but it put a hard stop to whatever that was.”
“Everfree Elixir. Nasty stuff. It'll send youze on a trip, then give youze an energetic high like nothin’ else. Then comes the crash, and youze realize jus’ how addictive dat stuff is,” a mare in a stetson, also equipped with a badge, said in a curious accent. Her light brown coat and red mane were decidedly familiar, as was the large shield cutie mark. Her trench coat and saddle bags with a smoking gun poking out of one side, however, were new. “What up, Sparkle? Long time no see.”
“Babs?!” Twilight rubbed her eyes in case the Elixir was still messing with her. “Babs Seed?! Is that you?”
Babs took off her stetson and smiled. “In da flesh.”
"She left the tower and the smug, amused thugs"
"Twilight looked around as she pushed open the door to the outside, waiting to get out of earshot of the thugs."
Twilight appears to leave the tower twice without going back in in between.
(If you remove the first one, there's also "Twilight folded her forelegs and closed one eye to look at the tower in the setting sun." between them.)
8337810
Oops. I'll get that fixed when I can. Sorry about that.
Still awesome.
8337828
No problem.
The last bit was... quite confusing to read. After the "She's here", things get really confusing and I'm not quite sure what's happening. Someone's shooting, some poison happens.... Aside from that I'm not sure.
Besides your standard MLP bad future, I'm getting a Lud vibe from this place.
Always good to see a familiar face.
cue the comment shitstorm about the Grand Mage getting ambushed and taken down like a punk almost as soon as she trots into town
8337914
I am kinda anticipating that, but this was written a long time ago at this point. Also, Twilight isn't invincible, and even Celestia and Luna have their horns as weak points. Ambushes are definitely the best way to take on any powerful unicorn. If you give them anything more than a second they can bring some crazy magic to bear.
8337914
Fallout New Vegas Dead Money
8337906
Thats the point everything happened in less than 5 seconds.
wow, alot ponies are finding out that tickign off Twilight is not goign to be a good thing. I think she will have quite a rep when she goes full alicorn.
8337906
It was meant to be that way, I think. It's meant to reflect what Twilight was experiencing.
If no pony has read Unicorn Western, now would be the time.
Hot diggity, a new chapter! I loved that you included Babs, it made a wonderful surprise. Keep up the good work!
*around
Wow, that sounds like the absolute dump. Twilight, go bring out the trash.
Also, miasma? Does that mean Illusionists or is there just some fantastically illegal industry operation located in the city?
Nice one! Love seeing Babs. Interesting take on pollution, and I love the idea of magic as background radiation.
8337959 8338046
"It was meant to be confusing" is not an excuse for making things unclear in writing. Yes, it was meant to be a moment of confusion for Twilight, but I am not her, as I'm sure you already know.
I would like to just write it off as easily as that, but I can't in good faith excuse something that feels sloppy like that, when I know CV is capable of getting both the confusion across, and making it clear to the reader what happened. Communication is, after all, a two-way street. The Writer has something they want to tell, but it doesn't matter how interesting or good that story is, unless the reader understands the story. And, honestly, I don't really know what happened in that last bit. It's a 3rd Person perspective, not a 1st Person. Had it been, it would have made sense that we as a reader was unsure exactly what had happened, but as an outsider looking in, that things are unclear doesn't make sense.
8338445 To be fair, this story is from a highly limited third-person perspective. We only get to regularly peek into the innermost thoughts of one character: Twilight.
There is, in fact, little difference between this highly limited third-person perspective and a full first-person perspective. We have a viewpoint that isn't directly inside of her head, but it doesn't stray much outside of the viewpoint of that focus character.
8338462
That is what is called Third Person Limited, which means that we only ever see the thoughts and perspectives of one character, at a time at least. However, that still doesn't excuse making parts of a story/chapter indecipherable.
Huh. Usually you need an apocalypse before you can go for the post-apocalyptic aesthetic. Does no one outside of this province know that the capital's literally made of scrap? I know news travels slow in these parts, but I'd expect somepony to send a postcard at some point. Heck, why even build a city in such an inhospitable location?
In any case, Twilight definitely isn't making any friends in the area. Fortunately, she brought one with her, and another happened by. Now she just needs to take a mercenary junktown and forcibly civilize it to the point where ponies can kind of breathe.
Or just put it on the to-do list; she does have more pressing concerns at the moment.
And there's a rather critical question that Twilight has to ask herself: Just what's generating all that pollution, and how important is it to the city?
8338609
The pollution is being generated by gem core refineries near the city. Those are valuable enough that very wealthy interests have been able to shield the Duchy from Crown intervention and regulation.
8338470
Well since we have twilights perspective from a third person view, how do you think twilight felt when the whole scene happened. You only see hear and feel what happened to her from he perspective. Lights out, armor deploys, attempt spell, pipe gets her horn, disoriented and pummeled, armor forced to lock to prevent further damage, forced to drink poison, euphoria, cored cannon fire, lunas spell activates nothing can be seen or understood in clear detail until after the fight. its not poor writing this story is not holding your hand and spoonfeeding details the character wont understand in the moment. This Captures the confusion and peril one faces in an ambush.
8338730
And everything you just mentioned can be conveyed to the reader without confusing them as to what is going on. I'm not saying it's poorly written, just that it needs to be polished and made clearer. And please don't use the "it's not spoonfeeding you" argument. It's as thin as the argument hardcore fans of flawed games make, "It's perfect as it is! You're just not good enough to see it!" (paraphrasing, of course).
But be that as it may, it took a few re-reads of the section in particular, but I got the hang of what happened. However, it shouldn't require re-reading sections to understand what's going on in a story. I stand by what it said that it needs a bit of polish, but I will admit that it's not as bad as I made it out to be initially.
I dunno... but I think this story always have climax...
I think these sentences can describe it
" Most cakes just coats my mouth with lingering sweetness so that every time I take another bite, it’s like I’m painting another layer of the exact same color over and over. It feels like a waste. "
8338445
Even a 3rd person narrative can follow a single character's perspective and moments like that are actually a rather common an accepted technique for portraying a scene like that.
It's similar to when movies have a flashbang go off by the protagonist's head and the scene becomes disoriented and incomprehensible.
No one else was confused about what was happening. It was clear she was being attacked and was disoriented.
8338752
That scene didn't seem confusing at all to me. The lights were cut out, Twilight got ambushed, someone hit her horn, and they tried to poison her. Then the bad guys got shot by who is revealed to be Babs Seed.
8338752
By all means give a rewritten example of what you think it should be written as without losing the confusion and the haste of the scene. it all must take place within 5 to 8 seconds.
8339221
I cannot. CV is a much better writer than I am, and I can't improve on his work. I could make an attempt, but not one that would still be up to his standards. But just because I'm not able to replicate his level of writing, does not make me incapable of spotting places where it needs improvement. That's how editors earn a living, after all.
Regardless, it's gotten to the point where I no longer feel there's anything to gain from the discussion. So I will bid you adieu, and have a good day.
8338752
Are you talking about the fight in the shop? I felt like that was done right. Since this story is told from Twilight's perspective, I feel that scene should've been as confusing as possible. In the end, all the important information was conveyed, which I also appreciate.
Me at the end of this chapter "wow... wow... Wow! I did not expect to see her!"
I tell you, this is one of the best stories I have read on here.
Like always
I can't wait to see the update for this!
8337946
If the horn is such a weak point, wouldn't it be a good idea for Aurora be configured to have a "max defense" configuration that covers the horn with the armor too? Even if it would restrict head and neck mobility, I think it'd give her a chance to get her bearings and put up a shield even when ambushed.
8339453
I dunno, i think it makes for an excellent natural weakpoint
8339453
Covering the horn with armor disrupts their ability to use magic. It would protect them from injury but also drastically weaken them offensively.
8339557
They can do stuff like Telekinesis, Shields, and Teleportation through or around walls to some degree, right? It doesn't have to be at full power, and even if magic is weakened. having armor over the horn (even armor that doesn't actually touch it) would still be incredibly useful in emergency "I'm not sure what is attacking me or from where" situations, like this chapter.
8337946
That still doesn't excuse it. Especially with that flemsy excuse.
Every chapter is more and more of Twilight being weak and useless, even tho you say she is so power. She is third most powerful being on the planet. Getting smacked on the horn, no matter how sensitive it is, isn't going to do much against that power. In fact, that would be a very BAD thing, because they build up making in their horn, then the horn gets hit... Where is the magic going to go? It can't go back, so most likely going to come out in a powerful wave that will push, crush, and kill everything around that isn't the unicorn with unfocused magic.
But more than that... Twilight could have countered this whole situation. Even in the Canon show she could. Season 4, Episode 3, Castle Mane-ia. We see canon, depowered Twilight, able to cast a wide area bubble that stopped everything and everyone besides her, spike, and angel from moving. And that was an instant cast spell.
So why doesn't she do that here? And in case you forgot, Mr. Author, This Twilight was also trained by Luna for months, and pushed harder than the normal Royal Guards were. So she would have much better reaction and instincts to combat than most people would as well.
So. You're saying she is powerful, but don't show it. Then you show she has high level combat training, but she NEVER acts on it. So far, Twilight is basically the whining daughter that never gets her way, and throws around her privilege of being Celestia's daughter to get what she wants. Because in both situations, this story and that, it's the exact same situations. Twilight has no power. She has no authority, she has no rights. You keep placing her in places where her status as the Archmage means nothing, against enemies that are somehow more powerful and better trained, and constantly throwing her status around to get what she wants because she's a whining little bitch when she gets told no.
I've tried, I really did. But I can't enjoy this anymore. It had a great concept at first. But then shit, shit, and more shit just kept being piled on. Maybe some people can enjoy the shit story, but I can't enjoy a story where you constantly tease that Twilight is a badass on cosmic levels, and then have her get her shit kicked in by street level thugs that normally get beaten by the lazy Royal Guards.
Here's a tip, to be less of a shit author. If you SAY twilight is powerful, you have to SHOW that Twilight is also powerful. And if you do show that she is powerful, you can't later show her losing to thugs and not having any power.
8340130
I can appreciate the complaints, but not the abuse, which I have zero tolerance for. Blocked.
8340130
I think someone has missed the point of finding a new tier of skill and challenge. your loss, not everything can be powering up and blasting with omega powerful beam to win instantly. but hey if that's your taste then go for it, don't tell someone to fully suit your taste in story telling, not your story to tell.
8340176
Man what a shit commenter
i couldn't help myself...
8338717
Okay, but that's not how industry works. Factories to produce the goods get built, this is then followed by acquiring employees willing to travel to the factory. Eventually you find people who want to move their families in and if it started as a factory first then the employer would provide housing. Eventually people set up ad hoc schools, hospitals, and police stations up until the point that the government steps in and recognizes the area as a town.
If they have the industry to warrant creating this much pollution but still interest people enough to come to this miserable place. Then you can be sure that people wouldn't be throwing up skyscrapers made of scraps.
Love the story, and don't mind the pollution asthetic, but there's a reason you don't see architecture like what your describing outside of extremely cyber punk dystopian futures where you at least still have smooth surfaces.
a vary good chapter and I am happy to see Babs Seed in a story.
8340463
suspended disbelief helps. Also looks like slavery is a thing
Heeey, you're learning!
8340723
Suspension of disbelief is hard to get back once it's broken.
For me, it's being broken on Twilight being constantly Worfed by random thugs. The only times she actually wins are either long, drawn-out battles against critical characters, or when her opponents are just plot-fodder mooks.
In this one, she was beat up to enable a too-convenient character reveal. That's it. What are we supposed to take away from that?
8341637
Slowly but surely. Slowly but surely.
8341706
No matter who your opponent is, if you can catch them unawares, they can be defeated. This is the take, Twilight is mortal, she is fallable she can be killed. All is fair in war.
What use is that armour if even when fully deployed Twilight can still be disabled with a single hit and there is no mouth guard so she was easily forced to drink a bottle of poison? How can you even force someone to drink something like that, unless you purposely swallow nothing goes down so wtf? This encounter made no sense and makes Aurora seem useless and Twilight feel weak and helpless in the face of generic thugs.
8341706
8340130
"Twilight is supposed to be god level power" "She loses against generic thugs"
Here we go again. Are we even reading the same story?
Twilight was never described as overpowered in the story. She's going to get there with her ascension, but that is in the future. Present Twilight got a crashcourse in combat magic by Luna and some fancy trinkets to help her with her general good magic abilities. Nothing more.
And just because her opponents aren't introduced as god-tier fighters doesn't mean they are random thugs. Considering they are intentionally attacking the Grand Mage, it's highly likely they know what they are doing and have the skill to succeed. (Sounds more like someone is sending them to get rid of her)
"no one should be able to beat Twilight" is your own headcanon, not this story.
At best, seeing her winning more often would feel better, because we want the hero to win.
Addendum: Twilight did get to be pretty awesome during that tower collapse (even if she got knocked around even then). That was an exciting scene and didn't really deserve to get lost in the shuffle, sorry.
The pollution isn't only a by-product of industry, it's a purposeful layer of defense by the Duke.
Got to admit your story is still good, enjoying the story and glad you got more chapters up. Keep up the good work
8342493
No one said "god level", but she's had extensive training from a millennia-old warrior goddess and can basically see through walls. I don't mind her losing fights, and in fact I don't WANT her to win, but going down without a fight at all seems excessive. It doesn't just reinforce her inexperience, it makes her seem incompetent.