Wartorn

by electriflight

Why Are You Here?

A strong, gamboge pegasus pony stood at the door. His hair was sapphire blue, and so were the deep dark depths of his eyes. Twilight felt as if she could go on looking into them until the end of forever and she still wouldn't be able to stop..

Wait, what?

The muscular pony stared back at the lavender unicorn, an amused look now appearing in his eyes, the same way bubbles floated to the surface of an effervescent potion.

"Hi, Prof. Twi-something, I found this outside the door," he said, holding in one of his hooves what appeared to be a folder with Twilight's cutie mark on it.

Author's Note:

Guys I'm so sorry I haven't started on the cover art yet but that's because I can't find anything relevant to what I want to put there. I'm publishing this chapter now and editing it as I go on because I'm not sure if I'll be writing again anytime soon cos my end-of-years are in 2 weeks' time.

Comments

[Dragonrim]

Patmut’yuny mets er: Yes sirum ei bnavorut’yan zargats’umy yev tesaranneri mijev ants’nely: Dzer nkaragrut’yuny indz yerjanik er dardznum yev huys unem, vor du lav yes anum: Hamozvek’, vor sousy lvats’k’i mej ch’yes dnum:

[EverfreePony]

Hmm... so far, I'm quite split about this story. The descriptions and all are done nicely and sufficiently. Grammar and spelling are mostly solid, nothing to make the reader turn away. However, the worldbuilding here is a little unclear, mostly in the first chapter.

I gathered that Equestria is in war with King Sombra, his forces are quite brutal (that Sunburst part did more than enough to illustrate it) and that a part (or all?) of Equestria is now abandoned. Twilight and the other unicorns serve as some kind of secret service/research team.

However, once the various plans and schemes and clashing ideas of Raven, Minuette, Lemon Hearts and maybe even somepony else came into play, I became utterly lost in what exactly is going on right now. That part should probably get straightened out, I think you can also elaborate at it more. It would be also great to propose a little bit more information about Twilight's organization as well as the war and the timeline. (Of course, you shouldn't drop all the information in one chapter, but there should be some basic outline present.)

She was no Princess of Friendship

This made me laugh. Really nice remark!

[electriflight]

8452219
Oh, that's so nice of you!! I know I've been a little lazy about this fic, but thanks for leaving your much-valued constructive criticism!!

[EverfreePony]

8697095
You are welcome