Brink

Source

The first time she fought, she lost her form. The second time, she lost her power. The third time, she lost her friends. Alone and hated, Adagio Dazzle aims to ensure that the fourth time will be the last time she loses anything.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 9 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 9
- Newest First
- Oldest First

NaiadSagaIotaOar

NaiadSagaIotaOar #1 · Jul 28th, 2017 · 1 · ·

Her sons bewitched many and threw many more in a storm of conflict and destruction.

I’d love to see that explored further, if you ever write more of the Sirens.

Anyway, I love your general style and use of language. Just absolutely love it, apart from a couple of cases where you don’t use contractions in dialogue, which sounds a little weird.

numerous nameless souls she wronged

This sort of thing felt a little bit weird to me, I think just because it doesn’t follow as naturally from the argument like her other thoughts do. She seems pretty remorseless when it comes to using her magic in the movie, and it just felt odd to have it come up here without an obvious reason. Considering the “Alone and hated” line in the description, I wonder if it might fit better to play up how so many people loathe her instead, but obviously, that’s just my opinion and I don’t think that minor misstep detracted much from the story for me.

Beyond that, it’s a darkly beautiful scene you’d painted at the end and I quite appreciate it

A handful of typos, though:

"Sonata didn't evne do anything."

look okay." She mumbled in a ramble.

"Aria,"She seethed.

Friiborn

Friiborn #2 · Jul 28th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8327944
Thanks for the review and the notes about my mistakes! They are being fixed as we speak.

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for that first thing you quoted. The word "sons" was actually a typo for the word "songs", so I'm sorry about making you think Adagio gave birth to any children here.

Secondly, the "numerous nameless souls" thing is a result of being aware of her enemies rather than any sort of regret (if that's what you're getting at). At this point in time, Adagio believes that the ones that fell victim under her spell in the past are coming back to haunt her in the form of her defeat. You can best compare it to a sense of paranoia. Hope that clears things up at least a little bit.

On a side note, I do plan on writing more stories involving the Dazzlings. I've even been thinking about writing a series of stories featuring them, like what authors Justice3442 and Eyeswirl the Weirded did.

NaiadSagaIotaOar

NaiadSagaIotaOar #3 · Jul 28th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8327996
It did seem a little out of place, so I was afraid that might’ve been the case But if you’re ever in need of a story idea... I’d read the heck out of that.

Paranoia makes a great deal of sense. I think it was this line, more than anything else, that confused me:

The nameless souls would be avenged.

The wording there made me think she was kind of doing it on their behalf, which reeks a little more of remorse than paranoia to me. Beyond that, I think it would be easier to get the intended meaning, but that line being close to the end might have thrown me off a little bit.

I’d love to see such a series whenever you get to it

Friiborn

Friiborn #4 · Jul 28th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8328049
I appreciate the support.

And... well, you might not need this explained, but the narration about the nameless souls being avenged is supposed to be a bitter acceptance of her fate. She dies, and her enemies will get to have the last laugh. It sucks, but she sees no other choice in the matter.

Griseus

Griseus #5 · Jul 28th, 2017 · 1 · ·

I would like to think Adagio wakes up on the Ark from Brink...

... and learns to live again by kicking ass and parkour!

When I saw the title of this story, my mind went to this game's soundtrack. I'm not sorry.

Friiborn

Friiborn #6 · Jul 28th, 2017 · · ·

8328168
I dare you to make that into a story.

On another note, the original title was "Edge of the Earth". But I decided to go with the title "Brink" as a reference to another horror story featuring Twilight Sparkle called "Blink". But it's kinda funny that you got reminded of the video game instead (even if I never played it and probably should).

Griseus

Griseus #7 · Jul 28th, 2017 · · ·

8328171 Too bad I couldn't write myself out of a paper bag.

Though, had an idea to write an optimal-verse or clock tower society (kinky type, not the one with Scissorman) with the Sirens. Think those three trying to "help" some poor protagonist would be interesting considering they are selfish at best and mean 'n evil at worst.

Glen Gorewood

Glen Gorewood #8 · Aug 10th, 2017 · · ·

I actually have an idea floating around in my head about one of the directions that the ending could go. This story got to me at a personal level, I really get where Adiago is in that moment by the ocean.

Glen Gorewood

mycutiemarkisagun