Theres the next Chp guys sorry its this late, hope you enjoy it. And to those with concerns about my grammatical errors I would have made corrections to this but its already way over due so editing will start to take place soon for all current chapters.
I really do enjoy the story, but I have noticed quite a few errors throughout the established chapters thus far.
the sound from Twilights mouth as she woke up for another beautiful day
you're missing an apostrophe between the t and the s there. The form you have right now is the plural form, in other words you are implying there is more than one Twilight. It's usually a bad sign when there's any grammatical errors in the first paragraph. It would be a good idea to go back through the chapters you have up thus far and see what errors you can spot, also an editor and/or proofreader would be a good idea as well. While a writing aid like Grammarly is help such programs are not infallible. The best way is to use writing aids and one or more extra sets of eyes.
From I can tell from this and the prior chapters is that you have an extreme aversion to apostrophes, as result you end up with the plural forms of the words instead of expression that imply ownership. Apostrophes attached to words with an s on the other side usually imply ownership.
8461012 Like I said I said I'm gonna try to edit them or find an editor to do it for me. You seem to be able to find my mistakes easily, think you could be my editor?
8461027 Not that easily, and I'm not really in that line of work. Some grammatical issues are a bit of a pet peeve of mine, I'm pretty sure FiM Fiction has a few groups that dedicated to helping find mistakes in an author's work, you should look into some of them.
8460767 KO awesome chapter, well a third pony has been added to Spike's home making his life a bit more crazy than before and will try his best to keep himself in check.
That was a Epic chapter and a funny end Twilight is going to flip when Spike and AJ get home.I can't wait to see what happens to them next it just getting better and better,And Ican't wait when they start bucking aka fucking.
"Lover Boy"? Was expecting "Sugahcube". Well, at least you're being creative with the names. In the recently-released dub of Monster Musume, almost all the girls, except Miia, Rachnera and Lala call him 'Master'.
8465829 Actually the dub itself wasn't all that boring at all. The dialogue was well-executed and some new jokes were added in that weren't in the original Japanese version. It was just the lack of creativity concerning the translation of Papi's "Goshujin", Centorea's "Aruji-dono" and Meroune's "Danna-sama" that bugged me. They could have, for example, have had Centorea call Kimihito "Milord", or something to that effect.
8465428 Well Applejack calls everyone "Sugarcube". It has to be something exclusive to Spike, which is true since as far as I can tell in the show, Spike's the only one AJ's called "Lover Boy".
This story has been great, but with new girls coming in it feels like it is going a bit fast. Perhaps you can have a chapter in between each girl coming in to show how Spike and the current house hold deals with the new girl. This way we can see how the household dynamic slowly changes in time. So far we had a great look into Twilight and Spike enjoying a day together. But by the time we get to AJ, we never really see Twilight, Pinkie, and Spike interact.
The comedy bit between Twilight and Pinkie was fun if not a bit short, but what does everyday life with all three look like? Now with AJ in the mix, how would everyday life with three girls look like? How do the chores add up? How does Spike deal with the extra body in the house? How do the girls interact with each other now that Twilight has a hyper active party girl running around her library? How does she try to keep her one on one assistant time with Spike with AJ trying to get Spikes attention and introduce him to her southern style lifestyle? What sort of changes does each girl bring to the house? We saw that Twilight converted Spike's man cave to a library, what did Pinkie do? What will AJ do?
There's no need to rush the introductions of all the girls one after another. You can take a quick slice of life episode to flesh things out and show their home life.
Also, as for Rainbow Dash, I don't think she fits as Rachnera, no offense! Just Rachnera was feared at her first foster home. RD is a lot of things, but as a pony girl I don't see her a being feared. That would more be someone like Gilda where the daughter of the foster family was expecting a cute pony girl but instead got the tough and sharp clawed griffon girl Gilda and that scared her at first.
RD could fit a bit more with Lala, in that Lala was first thought to be an overly dramatic girl 'cosplaying' as a spirit of death. RD could be an overly excited girl 'cosplaying' as an elite Wonderbolt, part of the top of Equestria special forces. Just as Lala showed to be a real reaper and not just a girl playing pretend, RD could show in desperate times to be a badass specialist, but like Lala, keeps her cover around the other girls. In RD's case it's because she's under orders not to let the Earth governments know that there's a high ranking operative there covertly investigating crimes against Equestrians without Ms. Sunset's knowledge. Due to Equestria not wanting to look like they don't trust Earth, while also having someone Earth side that can quickly deal with matters should something slip through or somepony needs immediate help.
Just my two cents, thank you so much for the newest chapter and I hope to see more of your work!
“Hey don’t worry about it, believe it or not this isn’t the most life threatening thing to happen…..to….me….this week” The young man. A lot of this is double spaced, not sure if intended. Elipses are 3, exactly 3 dots... like that. Also, "this week," the young man, should be written as such, you use a comma when you don't end the sentence on a line of dialogue. "Oh, boy," he exclaimed, is another example. That being said, the rule works a little differently before dialogue. He cause hit breath, and began, "That Bikini is amazing." The start of the dialogue is always capped. Then if you do this: "I get that you want to do it this way," he looked down embarrassed, "but I'm not really sure I'm comfortable with this." Since its the same sentence of dialogue you don't capitalize the 2nd part. New sentences would be though.
Bean bag rounds hurt... I know first hand. When your dad's friend who is a cop asks you if you want to see how it feels, don't answer yes!
The Applejack has appeared! I'm can't wait to see how Rarity goes.
Theres the next Chp guys sorry its this late, hope you enjoy it. And to those with concerns about my grammatical errors I would have made corrections to this but its already way over due so editing will start to take place soon for all current chapters.
Can't wait to see who's next!
Excellent. Now Applejack has joined Spike.
A little too late for that.
I really do enjoy the story, but I have noticed quite a few errors throughout the established chapters thus far.
you're missing an apostrophe between the t and the s there. The form you have right now is the plural form, in other words you are implying there is more than one Twilight. It's usually a bad sign when there's any grammatical errors in the first paragraph. It would be a good idea to go back through the chapters you have up thus far and see what errors you can spot, also an editor and/or proofreader would be a good idea as well. While a writing aid like Grammarly is help such programs are not infallible. The best way is to use writing aids and one or more extra sets of eyes.
From I can tell from this and the prior chapters is that you have an extreme aversion to apostrophes, as result you end up with the plural forms of the words instead of expression that imply ownership. Apostrophes attached to words with an s on the other side usually imply ownership.
8461012
Like I said I said I'm gonna try to edit them or find an editor to do it for me. You seem to be able to find my mistakes easily, think you could be my editor?
8461027
Not that easily, and I'm not really in that line of work. Some grammatical issues are a bit of a pet peeve of mine, I'm pretty sure FiM Fiction has a few groups that dedicated to helping find mistakes in an author's work, you should look into some of them.
Spike: Twilight! Pinkie! A funny thing happened on my way home from the market...
8460767
KO awesome chapter, well a third pony has been added to Spike's home making his life a bit more crazy than before and will try his best to keep himself in check.
That was a Epic chapter and a funny end Twilight is going to flip when Spike and AJ get home.I can't wait to see what happens to them next it just getting better and better,And Ican't wait when they start bucking aka fucking.
Another excellent chapter. And good way to get AJ to fall for him hard. XD
I feel that Sunset called Spike a masochist.
8461027 will the next chapter take just as long to make? No offense.
8464509
Non taken and its hard to say, I do have another story that needs updating and it's chps are usually 6+ thousand words.
8464620 wow, well I hope you can update this story soon, I personally find it enjoyable.
"Lover Boy"? Was expecting "Sugahcube". Well, at least you're being creative with the names. In the recently-released dub of Monster Musume, almost all the girls, except Miia, Rachnera and Lala call him 'Master'.
8465428
Yeah I saw some of it and thought it was pretty boring too.
8465829
Actually the dub itself wasn't all that boring at all. The dialogue was well-executed and some new jokes were added in that weren't in the original Japanese version. It was just the lack of creativity concerning the translation of Papi's "Goshujin", Centorea's "Aruji-dono" and Meroune's "Danna-sama" that bugged me. They could have, for example, have had Centorea call Kimihito "Milord", or something to that effect.
8465428
Well Applejack calls everyone "Sugarcube". It has to be something exclusive to Spike, which is true since as far as I can tell in the show, Spike's the only one AJ's called "Lover Boy".
8466094
Yeah that would have been better. I havnt seen the whole dub but I did see that one seen where Mia called su a "sexy puddle" that killed me.
DANMMM YO ASSSSSSS. ZZZOONN!!!!! I just watch the OVA ep 2 (which is last video) Like recently..... I WILL LIKE IT
This story has been great, but with new girls coming in it feels like it is going a bit fast. Perhaps you can have a chapter in between each girl coming in to show how Spike and the current house hold deals with the new girl. This way we can see how the household dynamic slowly changes in time. So far we had a great look into Twilight and Spike enjoying a day together. But by the time we get to AJ, we never really see Twilight, Pinkie, and Spike interact.
The comedy bit between Twilight and Pinkie was fun if not a bit short, but what does everyday life with all three look like? Now with AJ in the mix, how would everyday life with three girls look like? How do the chores add up? How does Spike deal with the extra body in the house? How do the girls interact with each other now that Twilight has a hyper active party girl running around her library? How does she try to keep her one on one assistant time with Spike with AJ trying to get Spikes attention and introduce him to her southern style lifestyle? What sort of changes does each girl bring to the house? We saw that Twilight converted Spike's man cave to a library, what did Pinkie do? What will AJ do?
There's no need to rush the introductions of all the girls one after another. You can take a quick slice of life episode to flesh things out and show their home life.
Also, as for Rainbow Dash, I don't think she fits as Rachnera, no offense! Just Rachnera was feared at her first foster home. RD is a lot of things, but as a pony girl I don't see her a being feared. That would more be someone like Gilda where the daughter of the foster family was expecting a cute pony girl but instead got the tough and sharp clawed griffon girl Gilda and that scared her at first.
RD could fit a bit more with Lala, in that Lala was first thought to be an overly dramatic girl 'cosplaying' as a spirit of death. RD could be an overly excited girl 'cosplaying' as an elite Wonderbolt, part of the top of Equestria special forces. Just as Lala showed to be a real reaper and not just a girl playing pretend, RD could show in desperate times to be a badass specialist, but like Lala, keeps her cover around the other girls. In RD's case it's because she's under orders not to let the Earth governments know that there's a high ranking operative there covertly investigating crimes against Equestrians without Ms. Sunset's knowledge. Due to Equestria not wanting to look like they don't trust Earth, while also having someone Earth side that can quickly deal with matters should something slip through or somepony needs immediate help.
Just my two cents, thank you so much for the newest chapter and I hope to see more of your work!
8464620 what is that other story that you're working on?
8496290
Spikes Night Job, the one where he hunts monsters for Luna
8496301 ah, I see. I'm guessing you still have to work on it though, before posting the next chapter for this story?
8496345
More than likely, tho its still to early say for sure
Keep up the good work dude. This story is ****ing awesome!
“Hey don’t worry about it, believe it or not this isn’t the most life threatening thing to happen…..to….me….this week” The young man. A lot of this is double spaced, not sure if intended. Elipses are 3, exactly 3 dots... like that. Also, "this week," the young man, should be written as such, you use a comma when you don't end the sentence on a line of dialogue. "Oh, boy," he exclaimed, is another example. That being said, the rule works a little differently before dialogue. He cause hit breath, and began, "That Bikini is amazing." The start of the dialogue is always capped. Then if you do this: "I get that you want to do it this way," he looked down embarrassed, "but I'm not really sure I'm comfortable with this." Since its the same sentence of dialogue you don't capitalize the 2nd part. New sentences would be though.
Bean bag rounds hurt... I know first hand. When your dad's friend who is a cop asks you if you want to see how it feels, don't answer yes!
The Applejack has appeared! I'm can't wait to see how Rarity goes.