- Member Since 3rd May, 2016
- offline last seen Apr 14th, 2019
Gmasters132
What is life? Is it nothing more than the endless search for a cutie mark? And what is a cutie mark but a constant reminder that we're all only one bugbear attack away from oblivion?
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So I hope you enjoy it, just a quick story that went trough my mind.
I am relatively new to this thing of writing so please:
Comments, complaints, and/or advice are not only expected but welcome
orig11.deviantart.net/d404/f/2017/157/8/6/capture_by_gmasters132-dbbuavb.png
I liked the story scenario, especially the ending.
You need a few more years of practice with the English language and an editor. That’s not an insult, just an observation.
Two quick spelling/grammar things I spotted without even looking at the story.
“Does "The stare" works in ANY animal?”
Should be
“Does “The stare” work on ANY animal?” or “”The stare” works on ANY animal?”
And the description should be something like
After her friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle [less description gets the same information (that this is pony Twilight) across] told Fluttershy that her counterpart in Ponyville can make animals obey her using her ‘stare’ she confuses this as some kind of hypnotic ability and starts to wonder if she can do it too and what are the limits of such power. With the help of two of her best friends, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, she soon discovers that a great power comes with an even greater
pleasureresponsibility.Even that’s probably not perfect, but it is an improvement.
The story itself was good. The tenses were off here and there. Suspension of disbelief for the whole Lactation thing.
8216366
Yea I guess I need more practice. I overdo words.
Is really that obvious that this is not my first language.
8216466
That sounds better actually. Thanks
8216864
With the title, it wasn't just the word “in” that I suggested changing. It was also the word “works”, depending on whether you keep the word “Does” at the start”.
8216861
So to practice (s)he should maybe write short stories for free, and have them read by native speakers?
I did notice a few times you dropped the upper case on names. Also:
Watch out for that number row!
Where are the character tags?
8224564
Weird. I swear I put them when the story was published. Maybe I hit the clear button by error. Sorry, my mistake.
Grammar errors, punctuation errors and tense disagreements. Didn't make it past the second paragraph. Down voted. You need an editor, and you need to read and re-read what you write before you publish.