• Member Since 6th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

ersmiller


Hi ^_^ Sometimes I bug authors by pointing out typos so they can fix (or ignore) them. The rest of the time I keep to myself. :p

T

Sunset's in trouble and we need Princess Twilight's help.  We've been calling her with Sunset's magic journal since yesterday but there's been no reply.

Looks like we're going to have to go through the portal and find her ourselves.

After all, it's a magical land of cute, colorful ponies.  This should be easy.

Right?

Sex tag exists for jokes relating to nudity and innuendo.


Main story is complete as of chapter 41, but I'm adding a series of epilogues for fun (3 are remaining)


Chapters 1 - 5 pre-read by Spirit Shift and Rocinante
Chapters 6-41 (and most epilogues) pre-read by FanOfMostEverything


Complete list of cameos:

Act 1: Twilight "SciTwi" Sparkle and Spike the dog.

Act 2: Cranky Doodle Donkey, Cheerilee, Thunderlane, Applebloom, Big Mac, Grand Pear, Sweetie Bell, Angel, Bon Bon, Lyra, Octavia, Vinyl, Trixie, Flower Trio (Rose, Daisy, Lily Valley), Discord, Treehugger, Wallflower (Sort of), Scootaloo, Gummy, Mr. & Mrs. Cake, Mr. Davinport, Bulk Biceps, Amathyst Star, Cloudchaser, and Dinky Doo.

Act 3: Fancy Pants, Iron Will?, Moondancer, Zephyr Breeze, Sassy Saddles, Shining Armor, Tank, Doughnut Joe, Muila Mild, Snips & Snails, and Maud.

Finale: FSpoiler, ASpoiler, and SSpoiler.

Chapters (50)
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Comments ( 575 )

Your first work you say? One would not think it, this is pretty good. It is so, so rare to see a crossover of this stripe, I am quite looking forward to this.


“Hey now,” Applejack cut in, “how ‘bout faster’n ah can core an apple?”

While I managed to figure out what "faster’n" means, it really doesn't translate to a written format. "How about faster than I can core an apple?" just reads better. If I may?

There's a trick ye ken, to writing accents. 'tis not just about writing it out phonetically, as that doesn't always scan right in a written format. 'tis about vocabulary, word choice. To take the marquee example, Applejack and Rarity have different vocabularies, different backgrounds, different accents.

Rarity takes care to maintain an air of sophistication and elegance, which is of course reflected in her careful choice of words. Meanwhile Applejack pays much less heed to subtlety and speaks her mind clearly.

Now this isn't a call for you to drop the phonetics entirely, as they do have their place. For instance, helping to keep everyone straight in a six-way conversation. But sometimes too much affectation can clutter up a sentence and jar the reader.

Yeah, I've been re-thinking how I show Applejack's accent. I've adjusted the severity of it a few times in editing. I've seen some writers go really deep in the phonetics and I don't really like that for anything longer than a short paragraph. I think, replacing common words like "you" with "ya" and "I" with "ah," and using apostrophes to abridge and combine words like "faster'n" and the like is about the worst I've left her at. At one point I had her say things like "wa'do'ya mean" instead of "what do you mean." But I've since pulled back from that.

Granny Smith is in another story I'm working on. I have her accent a little more severe, but I think it shouldn't be a problem as she only has a couple paragraphs.

Well, I'm watching this one. And I'm picky. Not much happening yet, but it sounds like you've got the characters down, and you didn't open with the weather, or use "nervoucited" or "20% cooler," and it doesn't look at all like chapter 2 is going to open with a dream sequence. So far, so good!

Also, thank you for showing Spike the Dog some love.

You seem to know the characters pretty well, so let’s see where this goes!

Outstanding. Someone's going to have to sit Rarity down and explain the philosophical difference between nudity and nakedness.

Haha, I have always wanted someone to pay this much attention to this precise moment.

perhaps it’s best to not try leaning in more than one person at a time

Should that be letting instead?

Yeah, you humanes are way too picky with your food.

Humans?

“We humanes like to taste our food.”

Humans.


Other than those mistakes pretty good so far.

I’m not stepping foot anywhere until I’m decent.

We’re not stepping foot anywhere because we have no foots!

A foot.

These legs don’t bend quite like humane legs

Are you spelling human differently on purpose?

Ri2

Well, I'm intrigued. Sunset's missing, and possibly a demon again? An excursion to Equestria?

And 'humanes,' huh?

Ri2

An entire chapter devoted to awkwardness over nudity and trouble walking. It's glorious.

And I'm a bit concerned Pinkie is hearing so many voices.

I keep wondering if Humane is just an error or a pun.

“I’m sure Twi and the maids will understand once we explain,”

You mean Twi and Spike. And no, Spike will not understand. You're going to be hearing about it from him in the end, I'm sure. :rainbowlaugh:

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Humanes is a pun... sort of. After all, real world humans don't come in pastel colors, and if real humans tried growing their hair as big as some of these characters (Adagio, anyone) they wouldn't be able to stand up straight.

perhaps it’s best to not try leaning in more than one person at a time

Rainbow and Pinkie were both half in the portal at the time, so Rarity said leaning. Letting would also have worked, but neither were trying to actually go through yet.

We’re not stepping foot anywhere because we have no foots!

"Stepping foot" is a common phrase. Maybe it's a regional thing? And Pinkie is saying it wrong on purpose.

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It's generally "setting foot", and in horse land it's usually replaced with "setting hoof" because horse puns. Pinkie would be the most likely to pick up on that before everyone else without trying, though.

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I wish to see where this goes... following... NOW!

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But that was the joke. They have "no foots."
(Although, technically, a hoof is a type of foot by definition so horses do technically have feet.)

Ahh, and I thought they would all end up In different timelines/realities and have to go on an epic adventure to find all of them. Someone should totally write that story.

When I enter a magic portal to another world and end up in an alien body I expect it to dress me for the occasion! Is it so difficult to provide proper accommodations?!

Rarity...what you're overlooking here is that the portal did just that. It's just in Equestria, dressing for the occasion typically means rocking the nude look.

Alien world, alien standards, girl. Get used to it. :raritywink:

I hope you continue with this. I've seen quite a few stories with the "Equestria Girls go to Equestria" theme, but every single one of them either sucked or was abandoned after the first three chapters or so. I've never been able to experience an entire story. This is one of the good ones, so keep going!

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i know, right. they have already figured out quills, Fluttershy discovered that she is one of the best flyers in Equestria (nopony ever seems to realize that Fluttershy is not actually a weak/poor flyer. she just doesn't like flying. have a flightless animal plummet to their doom or threaten Angel Bunny and see her reach just under sonic boom speeds), Pinkie has started to figure out her Pinkie Sense (or Pony Pinkie showed up), and they have already found Spike's room. yeah, they are doing rather well all things considered.

Very funny, but we know from the show Ponies regularly do seemingly impossible things with their hooves. We need some later scenes where Our Heroes come across Ponies doing what they do and have a moment of "Whut. No. How???" :pinkiecrazy:

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Important social affairs usually seem to involve clothes. Taking away one's fancy outfit therefore seems rude, even by Pony standards.

And if I ever go visit the highland tribes of New Guinea, I'm not gonna strip down to feathers and a penis gourd, not matter how popular the look locally.

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Yeah, but that's more the exception than the norm. Even pony Rarity spends more time naked than dressed...and even when ponies are dressed, they're usually still bottomless, and thus the "important bits" are still not covered, so they're pretty much still nude anyway. And considering how the portal dresses ponies who are coming through to the EqG world in casual street clothes like what the average human wears, I think the portal is more concerned about meeting that average norm of the populace than favoring the exception just so to spare the traveler some cultural shock...which the portal probably doesn't even take into consideration at all (otherwise it'd surely give them ability to adapt and use the new body instantly too when that's clearly never been the case).

Still, my point is that, like it or not, Rarity's still going to have to adjust to nudity being the new norm while in Equestria, so she might as well start now. :rainbowlaugh:

Pony!Rarity is going to spend months killing rumors after this mess is done with...

“But, darling, why aren’t you embarrassed? You’re naked too!

“Oh I know,” Fluttershy smiled. “But it’s okay; I’m a pony.” Fluttershy giggled back at them wiggling her pony ears up and down and swishing her tail back and forth. “We’re all ponies. Isn’t this fun?”

A perfectly reasonable reaction. Ears go up, ears go down. Adorable.

And Pinkie is insane :/ Unfortunate.

I wonder if that wardrobe was the clothes from when Terrk blew up the tree library

I wonder where Pinkie could find another unicorn...
Maybe compare Twilight with Twilight ?

I had a vague thought this might happen, they've gotten a taste of the fundamental connection between ponies and the natural world. like water tastes like wine to a man parched with thirst, so too is magic to those who have lived a mundane life.

Which of course, is why those random magic surges have such a dramatic effect on EQG humans. like a teetotaler given everclear by accident, they have no tolerance whatsoever.

"What am ah wearin' this thing for?" Applejack stood and struggled to pull off the yellow dress. "Ah don't need this." Finished undressing she lay back down and began rolling on the ground ending up on the grass to the side of the hoofpath and closed her eyes. "Rares, ya need to feel this! There's life all 'round us. Ah can feel the ground, the grass, those flowers planted by the palace."—Rarity looked over to see that there were indeed flowers planted by the palace. —"Ah can feel … trees … apple trees. Apple trees ! Home!"

to be fair, the Apples probably know where local Applejack has wandered off to. i'd bet my bottom dollar whatever wacky/dangerous adventure Twilight is on, Applejack is right there with her.

i laugh if twilight is in cantalot acting as the ruling princess while celestia and luna dump the work on her and the job so they can take a vacation that last next 100 years and is have her friend help her best they can.

Well...it's a start. A rough start, but a start regardless.

The way this is written so far, I can easily imagine this being an official episode. I love it. Keep up the great work!

You definitely have the ability to write each character so that they sound, well, like themselves. There are some very creative lines in there, and the dialogue is just overall pleasant to read. Like, I can practically hear them talking.

I think the opening “for reader” exposition was a bit heavy, though, particularly when AJ was re-explaining the situation to Sci-Twi. In that way it felt weirdly like I was reading the script to an actual season opener or EQG special.

Also, that line from Rarity about the flies got me spooked!

I can’t wait for when Rarity uses magic for the first time.

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I think that might just be the case.

Canonically, the human Rarity can understand what the animals are saying without any help while the human Fluttershy needs her geode to understand the exact same speech.

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It sounded like they didn't exactly wait very long before going to find her. What was it, a day or so? Twilight could just be in Canterlot; This would explain why Spike seems to be gone, as he tends to get left behind for the more dangerous stuff.
Though of course, that does mean that Applejack might not be gone at all. In which case... welp.

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When does EqG Rarity speak with animals? There's the Hamstocalypse Now Rainbow Rocks short, but I took that as more speaking fashion to the hamsters rather than speaking hamster. Am I forgetting something?

Rarity smoothed out her mane with a foreleg, stood up with as much grace and dignity she could manage, discreetly tucked her tail down between her hind legs, and began to walk. Promptly falling onto her face.

It was at this point that I upvoted the story.

Well, this has been fun so far. Eagerly looking forward to more, especially seeing whatever trigger gets Rarity's unicorn instincts to ambush her conscious mind.

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A few versions of the scene are in my mind. Just need to pick one and write it down. I hope everyone enjoys the result.
Hoping to have act 2 ready for publishing in the Spring.

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With about 21k words, Act II is around half complete. There's currently at least 1 chapter for each character and 1 intermission. If I keep this rate, considering I didn't start writing it until part way into January I'm hoping to have at least a first draft of the full act completed by the beginning of March. But I do have some pressing RL obligations for most of the rest of January.
I plan to post all chapters of Act II one-by-one every other day once editing is complete.

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