Year of Alicorn Rule 317
“Thought I might find you here, Sister.”
Celestia turned an ear, listening to her younger sister’s wings as Luna came to a landing nearby. Luna stepped closer, coming shoulder to shoulder with her sister as the two surveyed the desolate wasteland before them. A dull shine glinted off of some of the discarded armor strewn across the valley, the light intensifying as the sun moved upwards from the range to the east.
After a minute of silence, Luna turned to her sister, dropping her head slightly before speaking. “Would you like to have more time before we partake in the ceremony?”
“Nay. I am ready to go,” Celestia said. “But what of you---are you absolutely sure?”
Luna raised her head, her eyes narrowing slightly. “Do you doubt my heart on the matter? The council has worked on this for many months, and they have consulted with me every much as you. I am every bit as committed.”
Celestia sat back on her haunches, turning to regard her sister more fully. The darker alicorn stood resolute and proud, meeting her gaze with eyes of turquoise flint.
Satisfied, Celestia turned to look out across the battlefield again, this time bringing a helm near with her magic. “It’s hard to believe that it was only a year ago.”
"Indeed," Luna replied.
Continuing to stare at the helm now before her, Celestia turned it over as she continued. "I fear it has left a stain that will never fade. We thought our unification had been perfect. That after so many years of peace this could never happen… But as for Morning Gleam…”
“Yours was not the only child that did our cause harm, Celestia. We’ve both had children that proved the same: if a leader can multiply his power by playing to the fears and discrimination of the ignorant…”
“Yes, but this time---” Celestia closed her eyes, a tear finally making its way down her cheek before she hurled the helmet away. “It was the greatest armed conflict since the inception of our rule! How many ponies paid in blood for his hubris? I… I can still hear the sound of steel striking upon steel, magical blasts and hurled weapons… the pounding of hooves upon the earth.”
Celestia began to choke up as Luna watched silently, her mane wavering gently in the breeze.
“And when it was over, the town of Silverton and its surrounding regions had lost over a thousand lives.” Celestia gritted out. “Ponies killing ponies! So many hewn down in the name of their cause. It was the greatest honor they could ask for, to be struck down in the field of battle.” Celestia’s hoof came down, cracking against the ground with enough force to shatter stone. “As if their sacrifice would really mean something. As if it would be honored or revered throughout the annals of history.”
Luna placed a hoof gently against her shoulder. “Not all of them were so indoctrinated as that, Celly. You know as well as I that their reasons were many and varied. And many were only moved because of fear.”
"Yet, it was the greatest scene of bloodshed in over two hundred years." Celestia turned away from the valley below, a heavy weight pulling her wings and her ears down as she glanced up to her rising sun. "In the end, they were still doing the work of death, whether it was their own fanatic beliefs or not. It had to be stopped. He had to be stopped.
Celestia closed her eyes as she recalled the two sides engaged in the conflict. She remembered the look of hatred in Morning Gleam’s eyes as he wielded magics most foul, slaughtering opposition by the dozens. She remembered his look of surprise and dismay as she descended upon the scene, bringing about the fury of the sun. More ponies fell, scorched by the flames of her righteous anger as she sundered the two armies apart, laying down a wall of white-hot flames as the field kindled into an inferno.
“You acted swiftly, sister. And you put a stop to the loss of even more lives. You drove Gleam’s uprising straight into the ground.”
Celestia knew this. She also knew why it was no other pony would hear from her son again. And also, why the rest of her kin would receive no more to their numbers.
Luna let out a long breath, resettling her wings for a moment. “His cause was not unique. It was the same arguments as of old. Nevertheless, it was only after he got too close to the sun that he realized his wings were made of wax,” Luna offered.
Silence again permeated the wind, and both Sisters dipped their heads to honor those who were lost.
“I trust the Lords of the Court are ready?” Celestia broke the silence.
“Indeed. Are you ready to depart?”
Celestia gave one last look over the field. "Goodbye, my son. May the fields you wander in now be far greener than what you found with me. Come, Luna. The dead live in the past, and we must tend to the present. Let us take the oath of respice prolem prohibitus. Here is where our lineage will end, so that we can govern in greater peace. So that no other pony will suffer for any failing of mine.”
***
Year of Alicorn Rule 514
Night darkened the landscape as the weary unicorn made her way down into the next valley. Behind her, the remaining glow of the western sunset had faded into the trees. Her aching body was nearing exhaustion, but at least the geas that compelled her allowed her to sleep.
She hated the geas, almost as much as she hated the pony who had left her with this curse. All she knew was that she had to go east. Delay too long? A crushing sense of guilt and anxiety would ensue. An urgent compulsion that would begin as a flicker, eventually giving way to a raging inferno that demanded her submission: a sense that she needed to act or die. Her own magic was no match for this kind of power. Not even her amulet, which she considered her life’s work, was able to negate it. Not when the originator was Princess Celestia herself. And now that Princess Luna was banished, Celestia would retain her power forever more.
Tempest scanned the valley below, compensating for the muted glow of the moon rise by intensifying her illumination spell. The trail turned, descending into a shadowy thicket, but beyond that the glen seemed to open up into an area with comparatively less trees and cover. Further, there was a murmuring sound of a burbling brook. After the low point of the glen, the terrain changed again, climbing steadily upwards and turning rocky and sheer with a few cliff formations.
Cliffs were of no concern: she was more than capable with her teleportation abilities. But since night was falling, it was time to set up camp.
Camping... Why would anypony camp for fun, anyway? Where was the fun in it? If it were me, I would rather curl up on a comfy mattress warm in my quarters, reading by the light of my horn under a blanket, thank you very much!
Really... where was the appeal in packing a bunch of uncomfortable gear and bland rations on one’s back, hauling it clumsily through rough terrain, grunting and straining to set up a drafty shelter, and then cooking food in the most inconvenient of manners, seasoned with wood ash?
Tempest's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the spatter of a raindrop hitting her nose. She rolled her eyes in exasperation. Arriving at a clearing and finding the area acceptable, she surveyed the brook, taking note of a variety of tall grasses and underbrush and noting some edible reeds and berries. Finding no sign of predators, Tempest busied herself with her saddle bags, unpacking and arranging the contents in preparation to set up camp.
Her thoughts wandering while she worked, Tempest thought back to when her life became much more interesting. Fifteen years ago, on her birthday, her adoptive mom's best friend helped her apply to Sisters Academy. Mavis Morel was the odd pegasus that lived next door, by far the minority in a predominantly earth pony village, but despite that, she was the closest Tempest had to a family member other than her adoptive mom, and due to her connections she was essential in the school's applications process.
Several months into Tempest's studies, at the tender age of fourteen, Tempest was brought before Princess Luna in her private office. It was then that she learned of her parentage, that Luna was her birth mother, and the Captain of the Lunar Guard, Storm Sabre, was her sire. Before she was released back to her dorms that evening, she had learned not only that she was a princess, but that for the good of Equestria, and to keep the status quo, she needed to keep the information in absolute secrecy.
It seemed wrong, at least at first. It seemed covert and shameful. Why should her birth and her parentage be hidden—as if it were something sullied or indecent? Why should she be given such a noble birthright, and yet never be able to claim it? Apparently, about two hundred years before she was born, the princesses swore an oath that they would never have offspring again. Apparently, Tempest had been a mistake. Apparently, if the information were to get out, incredible political pressures could be applied by the noble class. Plans would be set in motion, either to mar Luna as the rightful ruler, or to target Tempest as a means to gain prestige and connections. It was better for the time being, Luna insisted, that Tempest complete her schooling without such a whirlwind of chaos. Tempest had to agreed wholeheartedly. This remained the situation during her first two years at the Academy.
Until...
Without warning, Tempest's anger flared up into a fiery, bitter stream of rage. She thought about that night, and how she had been powerless to do anything about it. All she had been left with was a desperate gambit, a promise: A covenant made to her mother, on the last night that she saw Luna alive, before she had been banished to the moon.
Tempest squeezed her eyes shut and blew out a heated breath. In the past, her anger had served her well, driving her to complete her research and development into what she thought would be an ultimate weapon. Now however? Now it was impotent, useless. Now she was left feeling worn thin, and empty. There was nothing left to drive towards. Nothing but oblivion.
However, I suppose my sentence is a kindness... A boon, compared to what Celestia did to her.
But even so, I am left with nothing! My plans came to naught, and now my failure is absolute! Every time I see the moon rise, and I see Mom’s visage upon it... it only serves as a monument to my failure. Every time the sun rises, and the light shines upon my face, the warmth is no longer comforting, no longer gentle: it is mocking, scorching, unrelenting. And it burns me to my core.
I.
Hate.
Celestia.
It had felt good to unleash her fury in a dizzying array of attacks upon the surprised alicorn. Tempest's amulet had been hoped to win out, along with the element of surprise.
Unfortunately, her attacks hardly left a scratch.
All she could cherish now was Celestia's stupid and stunned expression as she hammered away at the usurper's magical defenses. For a short moment, the feeling was intoxicating; glorious... But now? Now Celestia would get away with her act of utter betrayal and ambition.
A swooping sound approached from behind, followed by a few wing beats and the familiar sound of four metal-shod hooves clopping onto the hard earth. Tempest chuckled weakly—at least this particular pony was making it easier to say goodbye to what she was leaving behind. Gazing back at the yellow-orange pegasus, she watched as Lance Corporal Summer Wind folded his wings and tossed his red mane to the side. Her eyes trailed over to the insignia marking the paldrons of his armor. It was the newly incorporated farce of a seal, the mark of the now fully integrated Royal Guard.
It looked like Aunt Celestia's cutie mark, only repackaged.
Tartarus take Celestia and her recycled military insignia!
Tartarus take Celestia's lackey!
“The time is 1917, checking in as per my orders. You've been under continuous surveillance since 1400, Ms. Convict, and you seem to be making good time. Anything to report?” The guard sounded bored, but Tempest could still sense the spiteful indifference in his words.
And why not? She had only recently attempted to take down his beloved ruler. Given the chance, he would probably smile as he ran her through! Apparently, however, his orders were instead to ensure her safe passage to the coast, so that she she might board a ship departing for Gryphus.
Tempest schooled her features into a neutral expression so that she might make her reply. “I have nothing to say to you, Summer Wind. Go back to your spying, you perv." Tempest turned back to the folds of canvas that would soon make her shelter for the evening. "What happened, spent too long fishing at the lake back there? Maybe wishing I would just get eaten by a wyvern?”
The guard opened his mouth to reply, but then he stopped with a nasty smirk. “Wyvern, eh? Yes, that would be something." He stroked his chin with an armored hoof. "Sadly, I would be entirely unable to overpower such an opponent, and you would meet a rather messy end."
He altered his voice to make it sound all the more pinched and whiny. It suited him. "Oh, sorry, Princess Celestia. Yes, I tried, but I couldn’t save her. Yes, torn limb from limb. Yes ma’am, I will go wash out the latrines. Thank you for your leniency..."
He turned around and chuckled, tightening a few straps on his armor. "Sleep well, Ms. Convict. There are many such beasts in these parts, but wyvern wings have a very distinctive sound." He chuckled again, the sound growing more malicious as he took off, heading into the tree canopy for his night watch. "It might be the last sound you hear!”
Tempest watched him go. “Armor bound, metal headed jerk.” She still wondered why her aunt would even care if she made it to the coast. Her exile had come so suddenly, it was like the sequence of events had given her whiplash. There hadn't been any trial. No formal sentencing. All she received was a speedy healing by the palace medical staff, a pair of saddlebags hastily packed by the castle guard, and then a maximum-range teleport spell provided by Celestia herself. Oh, she was sent away with one more thing: the armored Pig-a-sus, Summer Wind.
Tempest glanced at her Amulet for a moment, thankful that Celestia had let her keep it. Watching as the jerk-a-sus began to unroll his bedding on a sizable branch half-way up a tree, Tempest smirked as she had a thought. “Hey, SomeWind!" Yep, there was the old unenthused glare she was used to. "It’s uh... kind of a chilly out tonight. You want me to use my Amulet to kindle your tree? It’ll keep you nice and toasty warm!”
“You do that and you’ll have no defense at all if a predator comes around. You can’t stay awake the whole time you know!” Tempest gave an insolent grin at the slight hitch of worry in his voice. She had definitely struck a note there. He had undoubtedly heard about her ferocious battle with Celestia. What he didn't know is that the amulet was mostly drained. The grin slid off her face however as he rolled his bedding back up and took flight over to a more distant tree. She thought about informing him of the risk if he set up his post at that distance, but she clamped her mouth shut.
I won’t give him the satisfaction.
Panning her eyes from the line of trees over to the more rocky terrain across the bank of the brook, Tempest returned to her task of setting up her tent. A howl of some sort sounded in the distance, but it was probably fine.
Probably.
The guard had oaths to keep, and he would swing back around to a more appropriate distance once she was asleep in her tent.
Hopefully... Either way, she needed to rest, as the option to stay for a while was unavailable.
Clearing a small spot on the ground with her magic, Tempest dragged kindling and larger pieces of wood to the center. Sending an incendiary spark from her horn, she stayed with the growing fire until the larger sized fuel was burning as well. Turning in place to warm her backside, she poured some milled grain into a pot and added some sweetener before she trotted over to the stream for some fresh water.
Gruel. Sure, it is warm and can fill you up, but the taste? Not even its name sounded appetizing. A coincidence that it rhymes with cruel? I think not.
It wasn’t fine dining, but it did warm her belly. After cleaning up her mess kit, Tempest retired to her tent. She hoped with the vegetation nearby that she could find some berries to add to her breakfast before having to break camp and depart. That would improve her gruel’s taste considerably. With the thought of fresh berries, she sighed and rolled over, trying to get comfortable.
***
Thirty-one meters in the air, silently clinging to her perch on the tree like a bird of prey, a pegasus mare watched through narrow gaps in the tree line. She raised a hoof to tuck her blond braids back under her cap before adjusting her amulet-tech visual enhancement device to zoom in on her target. It was the best kind of tech that amulets had to offer, dubbed the VEOS-V, short for Vision Enhancement Optical Scopes—fifth generation. It was something now gaining regular use by the Royal Guard Special Ops Division. A camouflage body-suit almost completely covered her purple fur, helping her blend seamlessly into her cover.
The night vision function of the magically enhanced lenses showed the tent in a stark grayscale contrast. Mavis had deactivated the magnification setting in favor of switching to night vision after the unicorn’s horn went dark. Hopefully the hornheads back in Canterlot would get it right next time. If a VEOS Mark VI was planned, maybe the research and development team would fix the interference between the magics of the magnification mode and the night vision mode so both could be used simultaneously.
Adjusting her position, Mavis panned far to the right to observe the pegasus guard that was setting up his station. He was about 50 meters away, near the top of a taller hardwood, and he seemed to be quietly removing his armor. Mavis' eyes narrowed a bit. If this guard's intention was to protect his charge while she slept, doing so without wearing his armor was a lousy way to fulfill his duties. Mavis continued to watch, studying him to see what he had planned.
***
The hoof wrappings that Mavis wore were useful to protect her chronic tendonitis. This would be their first time used as restraints. Unable to find room on the branch Summer Wind was sleeping on, Mavis leaned back from the branch directly over his head, hanging from her knees as she regarded him from her upside-down position. Visually scanning all four of his limbs to ensure he wouldn't be able to pull himself free, she gave a grim smile of satisfaction. This soldier would get quite the dressing down for being derelict in his duty. Unless his plans were more nefarious than that.
Reaching a hoof forward with a feather-light touch, Mavis pressed a potion vial against the sleeping corporal's lips. Drawing her other hoof back and taking careful aim, she delivered a measured blow to his larynx with a muted thump, striking just hard enough to trigger his swallowing reflex.
Summer Wind coughed out a gasp before snapping his mouth closed to swallow, flinching against his bindings. Already in motion and striking like a waiting cobra, Mavis had inserted the vial into his mouth before he could close it. Sputtering and choking, the guard flailed around in his bindings like a fish in a net, the vial battered aside and falling to the forest floor. Mavis merely pressed his chin upwards with a hoof, closing his mouth with a none-too-gentle force and getting into his face.
“Stop struggling, Lance Corporal Wind," Mavis hissed. "Stand and report!” Instead of settling down, the guard's struggling became more frantic, coughing and gagging before he gasped out a response.
“I… you… what did you give me?! Who are you?”
Mavis activated a glow-crystal and held it up to her face while pulling off the VEOS-V with her other hoof, allowing him to see her properly.
Summer Wind stopped his panicked struggling as his head drew back in shocked recognition. “M-Major Morel? What in the blazing flanks of the sun are you doing here?”
“Blazing what? You want to check your terminology corporal?”
“I… I mean, uh, ma’am, yes ma'am! What in the name of Celestia are you doing here, ma’am!”
Mavis lunged forward again, this time contacting his head with her own and driving it back into the tree trunk behind him with a thump. The bindings around his wrists snapped taught with the motion, lifting his forelegs up like a marionette. “As a matter of fact I am here in the name of Celestia, lance corporal!" Mavis growled in a dangerously low voice. "Now come to attention and report!”
Out of reflex, the pegasus attempted to salute. Comically, his hoof pulled uselessly against the binding while he tried to stiffen and straighten his body out, stifling a cough. Mavis smiled inwardly, as she knew she now had his undivided attention. “I have been tracking Tempest for ten days now ma'am, as per my orders. I have been providing security during her sleep cycle, getting my own rest in the morning, and then reacquiring the target in the afternoon to continue surveillance." The bindings wavered as he tried to salute again.
Mavis drew back slightly, furrowing her brows and cocking her head to one side in mock confusion. Now that he had pushed back a pace, she lowered herself down onto his branch, all the while keeping firm pressure against his chest with a hoof. “What? I’m sorry, corporal, but I don't think you are clear on what time it is.”
Summer Wind’s eyes widened slightly. “Ma’am?”
The pegasus bared her teeth and pushed forwards, this time pressing her entire barrel against him, snapping the bindings taught. “I asked you what time it is, lance corporal!” She spat. “Because I know I couldn’t have been watching you sleep while on duty—that wasn’t what I was seeing through this VEOS on my forehead. Right? Corporal?”
The pegasus slumped slightly in his bindings before turning his head away. He spoke through a clenched jaw. “Yes… Ma’am.”
Mavis’ eased up the pressure on his chest as her voice suddenly turned more conversational, but in a way, more deadly. “Good. I just have one more question, corporal. Did you or did you not know of the plot to murder Tempest while she was to be ferried across the sea from Turtle Bay to Gryphus? Tell me plain.”
Summer Wind’s eyebrows shot up. “Plot to murder...?" Summer Wind's eyes got bigger as Mavis produced a wickedly curved hoofblade out of nowhere before pressing it mercilessly against his throat. "I knew nothing about it! This is the first I've heard!" Mavis continued the pressure, her eyes turning cold as a winter's night. "I swear it on Celestia’s throne!”
With a quick movement, Mavis cut through the bindings, allowing him to recoil into a fetal position before losing his balance and rolling backwards off the branch. Summer hastily spread his wings and flapped back up to re-assume his station on the branch, saluting and breathing heavily.
“At ease, corporal. You are dismissed.”
“What? I… but my orders.”
“Your orders are now my responsibility. I have intel that Tempest’s life is in danger, and I will see that she is delivered safely, as per Princess Celestia’s orders. That potion I administered was a truth serum, so I am satisfied you were not part of this plot. You are relieved, lance corporal!” Mavis spat out, her tone chill and final.
Stunned, the stallion could only blink a few times, looking at the tent of the sleeping unicorn before turning back and giving a final salute. "Yes ma’am. I will head back and report in.”
Mavis glared for a few more seconds before relaxing and softening her gaze. “Farewell.” She stood aside to allow the guard to pack away his supplies. Without another word, he took to the cool night air as she watched him depart. Following that, Mavis took off as well, circling to find a better perch.
Eventually, she settled on a fork of a massive oak, wide enough to set up her hammock comfortably. Such was important for a mature mare of 61, as her body was increasingly sending her status reports of unwanted information. She was still strong and wonderfully fit, but that didn't mean her knees and shoulders didn't tell her about it in the mornings. Really, for the most part her camping days were over, especially sleeping in a tree like a filly.
Mavis gave out a deep sigh, working to adjust herself into a more comfortable position. She tucked her blanket around her and then sat up and refocused her VEOS-V. It was going to be a long night—where did she leave that pouch of coffee?
***
Other than a couple of scavenging foxes, snuffling their way through the camp, the night had been peaceful. At regular intervals, Mavis had taken off to circle the periphery, roughly every fifteen minutes or so. She had two main goals: ensure Tempest's safety, and stretch her own stiffening hips and wing joints.
It had been an hour since Lance Corporal Wind had departed, and by this time he was likely several miles into his flight. Unless he stopped somewhere and tried to go back to his beauty rest. Mavis continued her vigil, working on a third pouch of coffee before she glanced down and noticed something new. Some kind of massive thing, silvery-metallic colored in appearance, was moving across the brook. It was closing in on the tent, and it was moving fast.
Hardly having time to think, Mavis lurched upwards out of her hammock, splashing her coffee to the side. How in the bloody Tartarus did she miss something like that during her patrols? It was huge! It moved like a reptile, stocky and low to the ground, and its head was massive - as wide as a pony was long. Eerily, it didn’t make a sound.
Having assessed the situation in an instant, Mavis threw herself down towards the creature, donning her hoof blades as she dove. There was only going to be one shot at this, but she had speed and surprise as a tactical advantage. She just prayed that it would be enough. Flaring out her wings slightly to adjust her approach vector, she angled up and veered for the creature’s neck.
Time seemed to slow in that last moment as she completed a quarter roll, pointing her left wing towards the sky while the right wing came close to the ground, a typical maneuver that would allow the hoof blade to strike across an unaware opponent. It was one of those rare moments that one could feel all of their senses heighten, as the moonlight filtered in through the forest canopy and the very texture of the tent fabric came into crystal detail. At the last moment, Mavis retracted her wings to deliver her strike. The last thing she noticed before impact was that the head of the creature was already pushing forward, deforming a panel of tent fabric as he made his way towards an easy warm meal. Gritting her teeth, Mavis readied herself for the blow. She hoped she had made it in time.
End Chapter One Part A
Nice start to the story, I'm really liking this so far and I can't wait to see what else you have for us.
You have my attention
Okay I just found this an hour ago and I’m already hooked. If you can keep this level of quality through this story well then I can’t wait for more.
8802765
I appreciate it. This story was published last April before it was really prepared (and I finally pulled it down in the summer to completely re-tool)
There are six chapters done - just need some editing polish work. My editor has too much on his plate, and then he showed me and I was like "yep!" so he only got part A done last week.
8802599
I hope to not disappoint! It's going to be a fun ride.
8802547
Chapter one Part B comes out next week. It is *pretty* polished, but would still love an editor.
Thanks all for checking out my re-launch. Hope more find it. It also exists in comic form (though this chapter was made after the comic got into it so... you won't see this there) but here is the link ---->link
Ihsanah ioy. Oz I.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/828/088/9a6.php
Hmm. This looks interesting.
8802957
Part B of chapter one scheduled for next Saturday.
8803021
A two-part opener eh? Hehe. Just like the closer for the first act of my own story.
Got me intrigued. I’m curious of Tempest’s development and what happens later.
8811168
As far as later (a lot later) you can take a peak at the comic series ongoing. So far over 70 pages... (warning - spoilers!)
However, I have written way past where the comic currently is. Here is the link
Is that Sunset in the cover art? Or is that Tempest? Because if that is Tempest, she looks suspiciosly like Sunset Shimmer.
And I guess that we will see more of the events that are depicted in the magic circles as the story progresses?
8811173
Thanks, but I’ll read this just fine., perhaps later.
I’ld like to see your version first.
8817247
Heh. Well that is much appreciated, Lazydrill. You will get a much more detailed and complete version here in the story. You won't get near as much inside the heads of the characters in the comic version. And... I will try to always have Tillie make original art to put right here in the chapters, so there is that
8817089
It's Tempest. She is supposed to have a coat closer to true yellow, whereas Sunsets's coat has a slightly more orange tint. And the manes are a bit different. (hopefully the color looks right up there in the cover art. Of course more art and examples are at my daughter's deviant art page... And yes, those images on the cover are all moments in the story...
Saw your post asking for critiques, so I thought I'd throw in my two bits.
The biggest thing I'm noticing is that it's a heavy read and it feels somewhat akin to a history textbook, looks like it too with that wall of text. The intro especially reads like a description of the Civil War written by a historian three-hundred years later. I think it might help if the paragraphs were shorter and it was penned from the perspective of one of Luna's aids, who was sworn to secrecy, writing in their journal about what he observed of the events. It needs character, perhaps more than real facts. "Our mistress became overly drunk and had a kid... somehow." Discord might have had a hand in it (wasn't he sealed by the time the pony sisters were crowned?) but that seems like something that would be sweeter if hinted at and reveled by a dramatic double cross. Maybe dear old Dis pulled a Zeus and IS her dad? Anyway, the line, Enter Discord, is pretty jarring. It makes me feel like I'm reading out of a playbook for The Taming of the Shrew again.
I'm finding a lot of things that I feel like could be trimmed down or consolidated. Like Sweet Potato, I get that she's important to Tempest and all but I doubt that we're ever going to actually see her in the story and Tempest already knows what she looks like. Unless she's remarking about how 'her mane smelled like fresh cut straw' I don't know if that character portrait is important to the story.
You're also laying your hand out pretty heavily. The bit about The Alicorn Amulet could be much more subtle. It might be the amulet but they might not call it that yet. That bit I'm unfortunately unable to properly judge because I don't know all that's going on.
One thing to be careful about with adding in Magi-tech here is that there's 1000 years between this scene and the next, so technology will advance, and if it's already augmenting soldiers to this extent then why are the royal guard of the modern era still using standard plate mail? Flexion Tendinitis also feels a bit too advanced for the setting. Doctors were still practicing bloodletting and exorcisms into the 1800's, so I don't think that complex medical diagnoses had seeped into the common dialect by that point. She would probably just know that her fetlock hurts and that wrapping makes it better. Slightly unrelated tangent: I'm no military man but I don't think that she would ever address a lower ranking soldier as "sir".
Why is she monolingual about the assassination attempt to a grunt? Sure, truth serum means that he's gonna tell the truth, but now there's a random grunt who knows when and where Tempest is getting attacked. That is valuable counterintelligence that could now be exposed. A simple "What do you know about the plot on Tempest's life?" would elicit the same information without exposing their own.
I know it's a nitpick but if she used her wrist wraps to tie him up then doesn't cutting them mean that she doesn't have it any more? if she's not going back to town anytime soon then she's shooting herself in the hoof. Now if she used his straps...
All in all, pretty good. I think it could use some trimming. The characters, when they're talking, are good but I feel like they lose some of their personality in the non speaking parts. I also have something of a pet peeve regarding repeated words so the constant proper nouns is kind of annoying. I've always found that people tend to truncate their speech whenever possible rather than say the whole thing. Strong finish, btw.
As always, that's just my two bits on what I've read. Spend them or drop them down a well as you like. It's your story and only you can decide how it should be written.
8822370
An excellent review. Many excellent points (where were you when I was about to press 'publish?')
I will address your points and/or agree with them 🙃
#1
Yeah, I was kind of afraid of that. I was going for epic story telling, and the narration there is... narrating, but it does come off as dry and stuffy, doesn't it? That's a shame, because as we get into part B and then later chapters it is so totally not. I like the idea of someone narrating... and I would use ol' Mavis to do it. Hmm.
#2
Fun idea. And I didn't really pin down the timeline on when he was running rampant - in this timeline, the sisters were in power for a while and Discord was at large doing his thing, but came into true power for a couple of years during Tempest's childhood (fillyhood?). He plays an important role later in the story, and we also get some origin story about him as well, but it remains that the Captain of the Lunar guard is Tempest's Daddy. I liked your comment about The Taming of the Shrew. Actually, my daughter named this character when she was studying Shakespeare's The Tempest.
#3
Ah! But there is the mystery! Why are such developments NOT around in modern day? I'm not even going to spoiler-text that one, but Tillie's comic version of it here will give you a clue.
#4
Heh. I'm letting my career show... (I'm a physical therapist). But with magical scanning ability (which Tempest uses in Part B) they know a bit more medically then, say, medieval Europe. Euch.
oops. Maybe she used it to show her contempt? eh...
#5
I'll have to work on that then. Any pointers or examples you have would be very instructive for me.
All in all, I loved the commentary. I'm learning this as I go, and such information as that is golden. Thanks!
#6
Actually, we will in fact see her, because I will do several flashbacks that will feature very crucial moments in Tempest's childhood. These are things that at first were intended for a volume 2, but then I thought better of that and will use flashbacks. (hope they are excellent and not annoying)
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#1
One of the reasons it comes off like that is because of the wall-o-text at the beginning. I can barely fit the intro section on one page- and that's only three paragraphs. I think this guy does a good job explaining why it's better to break that up. They go a bit far, in my opinion, but they ARE writing for a blog. VikingZX is a writer on this site who's also published traditionally so he's a better measuring stick.
#3
Technology suppression. Coo. But the technology going into making that suit is probably already developed and common knowledge. The american government may have suppressed info on how to make a stealth bomber, but we still know how jet engines work and the basic concept of how to minimize your radar signature. In the comic it would be relatively easy to suppress the amulet tech because it seemed Tempest was the one who developed it and it was a more standalone system.
To suppress a military super-suit that has a team of scientists working on it you need to keep them quiet and then set the materials, energy storage, control systems and integration (at that point the entire society) all back a couple of decades. A lot harder than covering up a single event and adding a law of magic (a pretty elegant solution actually). And if society was advanced enough to support the creation of a high tech suit like that then why hasn't it come further than that by now, even accounting for the fact that ponies are for the most part content and not chomping at the bit to make the next breakthrough discovery?
I think the reason this is bugging me so much is that my brain isn't finding any obvious ques to mark this as "Happening in the past". The Tech, Tactics, and Talk are all identical to what you'll find in the modern era. The comic has easy visual ques- cobblestone buildings, simple clothing, and archaic speech patterns that stand at opposition to other parts of the story and clearly mark what is past and what is present. The "thee's and thou's" page was very good at this.
Like, this era's just gotta, like, find a distinct style, man. Something gnarly that totally screams: This is me, dude!
#4
Ok, but Mavis is a soldier, not a Physical Therapist. Even if she's a medic she's more likely to "sprain her wrist" than "fracture a metacarpal". I would actually tend to stay away from the more technical words in any case unless you're using them as an aspect of character. Yes they may tell you exactly what's going on, but most people don't take A&P.
#5
This one's a bit trickier I think. For me it's about making the narrator a character in their own right (whether an extension of the character or not) then deciding if they're unreliable (link) and just getting them talking. My own narrators are often very hands off and almost entirely outside the character's head in describing what's happening BUT they also only see what the character sees and their word choice is influenced by the characters speech patterns. My characters are then left to ask the questions that clue in the reader to current or past events. (I try to keep in mind that a doctor knows what a heart looks like and isn't going to need someone to point out the ascending aorta. My readers probably don't know what that is so cluing them is some other way is the challenge.)
If a child in a book looks up at you and asks "Where's mommy?" they've told you they A. have a mom, B. are close to their mom, and C. are scared/worried. Someone complaining about their hip is probably old. The person whispering while looking back and fourth is paranoid.
I'm probably overcompensating but I tend to avoid the "And so our heroes set off to Mordor" narration like the plague. If I can have someone wheel themselves into your office after surgery then have you hiss in surprise after looking at their chart, unprofessional as that might be, I'm happy. I don't need to tell the audience about the compound femoral fracture, the six screws in their leg, or how it happened beyond "a dog ran across the road and I swerved". All they need to know is what you do and that this time isn't going to be easy.
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Your last point there is spot on. As I have been racing to educate myself on just how writing works, in a fictional setting, I have uncovered some habits/problems I am trying to fix. (This is my first fiction... really). I tend to over-explain. I am horrible with that. Fortunately, I have noticed and have scaled it way, way back, but I tend to still do it. More and more I am trying to use story-telling elements and strategies to give you context, so I don't have to spell it out. It has been a learning process, and I am still learning, to be sure.
The story currently is at about 70K words strong and growing, and I have been revising as well to apply the lessons I am learning before I press publish. Hopefully the editor I have now, or any others I can acquire in the future if needed, help with that and steer me out of trouble if I fall into that trap.
Also, your point with era and tech is important too. I am planning to do two things to address that concern.
#1 I will soon explain just how amulet tech was covered up... it has something to do with the very particular way in how they are created.
#2 Equestria will be slightly AU here, in that it actually will consistently look more modern and have more modern conveniences than what you see in the show, with the exception of Ponyville. Ponyville is a quaint town that is rather rural and "holds on to the old ways" a bit - however, that has also rapidly changed since the advent of Twilight's School of Friendship. (yes, I am adapting to season 8, but I just want to say here that I had written that concept in before any knowledge of Season 8 came out, and yet I threw out that entire scene because it had nothing to do with where the plot wanted to go. Heh. I am overexplaining now.
TL;DR: 1) The reasons on the apparent tech discrepancy and missing amulets will become clear later on. 2) Equestria will be more modern. having said that, i need to communicate that well to my artist and co-creator of this story, (my 15 year old daughter) so that we minimize that discrepancy and don't give more discerning eyeballs that dissonance.
Finally I got to read this new version! Oh, how much had it changed since the WIP I had the pleasure to edit. So far, I can say it changed for the better Getting to see more of Mavis was definitely great and Summer Wind was an interesting addition, albeit I’m a little concerned if it wasn’t just for a sake of prolonging the chapter. Though maybe it’s just my knowledge of the previous versions speaking... the next chapters will show.
Anyway, glad to see this back up on the site. I hope to read further soon!
So, Celestia and Luna had children of their own and one of them is Luna’s daughter...not only that, her name is Tempest, and she has the Alicorn Amulet...interesting.
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Not only has it... She designed it: For the sole purpose of defeating Celestia to bring her mother back from banishment.
Exactly! That is exactly what I think of camping!
2 nicknames!
OOF
Russia is definitely involved in that.
I have a great idea! Let's have the automated reading-voice automaton can do a good job of singing!
*a few moments later*
why did I do this
it was TERRIBLE
you STINK, Fimfiction voicebot!
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LOL!
...
(Several minutes later)
Still laughing... ow my sides.
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Gruel is from Stalliongrad?
Headcannon accepted!
Nice start! It got me a bit emotional with Anger like Tempest did after Luna's banishment and Celestias more darker side.
Among her travels, she would occasionally see a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane also flying in the same direction, and–
Wait, wrong
leverfanfic.Joking aside, the use of some kind of subtle mind control spell to facilitate an exile is rather creative.
Dun dun DUN.
"Ponies referred to these ponies" sounds a little awkward. Maybe you could change the first one to "Most?"
Aka Justin Foley from Killswitch Engage.
Did you know that the Pigasus was an actual thing, both in real life and in MLP lore?
And they say fanfiction never taught anyone anything.
Wow, the Royal Guard a millennium ago possessed this nifty tacticool stuff, yet the Royal Guard of the present can't even handle any of the threats canon throws at them.
Someone needs to step up and MEGA—Make Equestria Great Again! 👌
I like how even in this chapter, your PT-side is leaking.
Not that I'm complaining. It does give you an edge when writing fight scenes. I'll elaborate more when I comment on the next chapter.
So how did I find this chapter?
Pretty good, actually, though it did have some noticeable issues.
I liked how this chapter showcases how Mavis and Tempest are characters with lives beyond the story. You put in little details that build upon the characters rather than feel tacked on. For example, Tempest's disdain for camping isn't just generic dislike, but a reflection of her intellectual drive to learn and better herself in magic.
Story-wise, there are just the right number of things to keep the reader going. The tease about Tempest being the creator of the Alicorn Amulet, the surprisingly sensible notion of the Royal Sisters having offspring who hold a different view of what happened during the Lunar Rebellion, the incorporation of amulets as magitek.... I could go on, but the point I'm trying to make is that this chapter showcases a lot of interesting ideas and premises.
So it's kind of...disheartening...to see these good aspects of your story get bogged down by the two things in excess in this chapter.
Exposition and verbosity.
Admittedly, your exposition is classy in its execution and at least connects with the characters' present thoughts. It's not boring to read in and of itself, which is more than I can say for my own attempts at writing exposition.
But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I didn't mind the beginning italicized exposition at the beginning, but upon further reading, I realized that almost half of the chapter was dedicated to a character profile for Tempest, with more pieces of exposition about other things scattered around the chapter. It doesn't help that this information is told to the reader rather than shown via dialogue or character actions.
I understand that Tempest is a very important character. The reader has to get into her head, so you tell us what's in her head. And in retrospect, this information is needed to allow the reader to connect with Tempest. But giving the reader a full-ish biography of the OC at the beginning of the story is like teaching biochemistry to medical school freshmen by making them analyze this entire graph on their first day.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-MJisxWVfZPA/UEF_-1krN-I/AAAAAAAAr9s/PQMfuCq_phg/s1600/Metabolic_Pathways_for_plotter_landscape_quantized.png
No matter how much you try to make it easier for the students through color-coding or dividing the graph with markers, they will get fatigued merely by glancing at this. What you need to do is split each biochemical process into sizable chunks and teach each chunk to the students over the course of several days.
It's the same with introducing Tempest. All the information that the reader doesn't need to understand why Tempest is traveling east can be smoothly introduced in later scenes or later chapters. Besides, there's a certain...appeal to having bits and pieces of the character revealed as the story progresses. It gives the reader a sense of accomplishment and discovery, leaving them yearning for more.
I think there was also a missed opportunity in this chapter with regards to providing exposition. If Summer Wind didn't have a role later in the story, he could have been a great way to smoothly transmit exposition to the reader's mind. Often a good way to sneak exposition into the story without blatant info-dumping is to have two character bounce around the lore/backstory in a conversation. Maybe Summer Wind is just curious about Tempest's backstory, and Tempest decides to oblige since she had no one else to talk to. Maybe the story starts with Summer Wind and Tempest arguing about Celestia's guilt or lack thereof: it would be a great way to introduce the "conspiracy theorist" notion without just directly telling the reader.
There's also the issue of retreading things that have already been mentioned. For instance...
This passage can replace most if not all of Tempest's earlier rant about camping while retaining the core message and some of Tempest's acerbic remarks towards camping.
Another example is this...
Do we really need to tell the reader about Luna's banishment and Tempest's exile two times and only three paragraphs apart?
If it's any consolation, though, I also have problems with verbosity. My editor constantly chastises me for writing long passages of text that can be compressed into a single paragraph and for writing superfluous descriptions that can easily be inferred from earlier, more succinct passages.
But despite those flaws, this chapter was still enjoyable. So much so that I reached Chapter 3 before writing this comment because I didn't want to stop reading! And hey, ultimately, that's what matters in a story: a chapter ends with a satisfied reader hungering for more.
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Okay! I pared down some of the extra. I could probably go back and debride a little more, but even what I did allows it to flow better. Thanks for the most helpful feedback again!
Okay! I read this chapter a while ago, but I just now have a moment to offer my thoughts.
I'll echo what most others have said: It's a solid chapter, and it sets things up pretty well. Here's one thing that I would humbly suggest, and you're free to take it or leave it if you like.
I personally would love to see this. Telling me it happened is fine, and it explains why Tempest lives in the world she lives in. But it seems like you're really missing an opportunity to engage the reader at an emotional level and really sink the hook. If you can snag a reader's heart, you'll keep them longer. You want the reader to love Tempest, in one way or another, so you should immediately appeal to our hearts.
Maybe something like this:
Or something like that. But if I've done my job right, now you have an emotional investment. Hopefully, you have felt Celestia's pain, you empathize with her reasoning, and you want to know more about what has happened and what will be.
But that's my long, rambling thought. Take it or leave it, but keep up the good work! The story is quite awesome in and of itself.
9140919
Hi, Irrespective. I am pleased with your comments. Yes. the backstory is pretty charged and heavy. To tell you the truth, when I was first developing it, I was more excited to write a "Volume II" which would have been the entire set up, 1000 years to the past where items like this would have been handled. But I was (still am) a budding author and was not confident enough to stray that far from the Mane Six.
I'm pretty sure it was still the right decision, but time will tell. I will hint at just enough through some flashbacks (you will be rather moved, I think, through the flashback occurring in chapter six "Burning the Dross," but I am trying to stay in the modern day for the extent of the story. That being said, I may go later and flesh out the backstory more (there is a bit of it) or leave it to another author who might one day want to tackle it, but perhaps I am only flattering myself in that. Thanks for the comment, and I am curious what you think of later chapters... Some of my strongest writing, I think, is in "Burning the Dross." Still trying to improve though.
Hey there, Sparkle! I bet you thought I forgot about ya! Well, honestly, I did there for a bit, but here I am!
I liked this way more than the original version, and adding the pegasus escort was a nice touch that I would never have thought of. Also, great job with Tempest! I remember not caring much for her originally because of what felt like baseless hatred toward Celestia, but you covered that very nicely.
So...sorry it took me so long to get here. But now that I am, I'm gonna read everything you've got so far and leave any thoughts I may have. It's excellent so far, I'm looking forward to the rest.
Then why tell her about it? The only way to keep a secret seekrit is to keep your muzzle shut about it. Period!
I'm used to Sunbutt making a silly move to set a story off. How interesting that you had Luna do it instead. :D
i’m interested to see where this is going, i’ll definitely have to keep reading. i like Tempest so far, love love love her design in the art ive seen. c:
Ooh, well, this is a brilliant start. I am quite intrigued to see what happens. You certainly have my interest with the style, vernacular and amount of detail that you use. I sort of like how this chapter begins after a dreadful battle, showing the reasons that the princesses behave in the fashion that they do. It is truly rather unfortunate. It also leads rather nicely into Tempest's circumstances and it returns to that from her point of view. It adds a smidge of ebb and flow to it, as it were. I love history and reading about other author's worlds, so this is magnificent.
Tempest's introduction is unquestionably interesting, yet I wonder where she is precisely. It has been a while since she left, so she could be anywhere. I suppose that I like knowing where the characters are geographically. It is also rather transparent that Tempest doesn't have an attraction to camping, which is regrettable. I am curious to see whether that will be elaborated upon in future chapters. Perhaps there is a reason for her disdain for it. I am a touch disappointed in Celestia for exiling her. That isn't how you deal with emotional individuals, talking to them does. While I am positive that there is a reason for that, it doesn't make it any less hurtful to the banished and uninformed. I am fashioning conjecture about who placed that geas on her and how she has that amulet too.
"Tempest's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the spatter of a raindrop hitting he nose." That should be her nose. Within the same paragraph, there is another that should likely be "[a] variety of tall grasses". A bit further along you missed a space between Ms. Convict and another sentence. There are some other strange happenings within this chapter, mostly in regard to Mavis, but others have already written about it.
I am positively anxious to see where your tale will lead, especially when I reach Rarity and Spike.
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fixed those items... Appreciate it, Victoria!
I am waiting on my prereaders right now on chapter 12, so while I am doing that, I tackled chapter two, which was okay, but not up to my standards - back when I was new here and starving for an editor... Chapter three might be a little rougher, nothing major, unless I can also get to that as well before chapter 12 publishes. Chapter 13 is well on its way...
Your comma is spacing out.
When traveling east, standard Equestrian Military Conduct is to say "At east" to your soldiers. It was admittedly the only cardinal direction that could be easily confused with "At ease" and so proved to be a significant in-joke among the various cadet instructors who bothered to read the manual. I think you meant to say the phrase "At ease".
I'm a little amazed at how an owl's mere existence managed to disturb the night's peace. Second, and highlighted in orange, is a case of tenses not agreeing. Normally I would say to change has to had, but that causes repetition of the word had when put in context. My suggestion is to cut the sentence. "It has been a really long flight" can go away if telling the reader Mavis had to fly an ambiguously long journey to get here is not plot relevant. It's also not following the rule of show don't tell.
He wouldn't be sleeping on duty this time though, since he's no longer in charge of Tempest.
He was just relieved of duty though...
These two words don't make much sense together.
My last comment on this chapter.