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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I love this.
But things are a little confusing so you need to explain a few things and things need to feel a little different.
Unfortunately, I have to agree with Shadow of Doubt; if you could make them a bit more at least two dimensional, write them a bit more subtly (because pacing is important), and got just a bit better at spelling, grammar, and sentence structure, then this would be a helluva lot more tolerable.
Viking out.
Love the story and it has great potential. But just a word, look back and fix anything that doesn't sound right and slow the pace down.
I had the same problem with my first story but I improved greatly by listening to constructive criticism.
Deleted comment?
Editor\spellcheck and needs fleshing out. Otherwise, not to bad a start.
I'll follow
Hmmm... Looks like my comment really did get lost in the internet somewhere. But that's ok, I saved it, remember? I'd hate to see you deprived of useful criticism just because the site made a mistake, since that's clearly what happened here. I mean, it's not like you would go through and delete any comment that says something negative about your story. That's just ridiculous.
I want to see art of the mom and dad turning high-powered leaf blowers on this child.
VROOOOOOOMMM
Mother, Father, please!
zip zoom zam
Please, the leaves, they're slicing me to pieces!
WRRRAAAAAAAAAA
Mo—
More please
good job
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/if-your-a-grammar-nazi.jpg
7900985 Bulbasaur used Razor Leaf!
It's super effective!
Dude, you need a proofreader, pronto. Maybe an editor. The premise of the story has good potential though. I'm not going to rate yet, but still, this is going on my read later list. Happy writing!
wat?!
who are those people the character is talking about?!!!!! and why?!
this is a weird displaced
.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Hmmm...Interesting. The description has caught my interest. Now, I will read the first chapter before continuing this review...
...Okay, first thing that hit mere a few spelling errors. But considering what they are I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and guess that English is not your first language. Here is the mistakes in quotes, followed by the corrections.
Leafed should be left.
Are should be our.
...Okay now onto the review. I'm sorry but while the premise caught my interest, the grammar and shear levels of 'Gary Stu' in this story have ruined it. I could not even get more than halfway through this chapter before saying that enough was enough. Not to mention that you have the entire story of Hellsing wrong!
Editing is needed but other than that, it's quite good.
Ugh....the bad grammer makes me sick.... sorry author but damn.
its weird how it says edited, yet there are still so many grammatical errors
Dude you either gotta get a new better editor or you need to re edit this chapter because damn,... just damn
Still love it but please tell me who is roy
I remember this it now is so much better than before good job finding such a great editor
I don't see how others could really enjoy the story, but endlessly complain about spelling and grammar. If you get invested into the story, your conscious brain doesn't even register the errors. It passively corrects these from the context of the sentence.
Dude if the story went any faster it would break the speed of sound
9162200
finally somebody gets it!
One hell of a start! This story is a Keeper. Favorits
O yeah! Luna waifu all the way
Who keeps 4k on hand?
damnit anthro...
Well... might as well give it shot. I've only really liked around..2? 3? anthro stories?
Maybe instead of just saying, "Twilight pov" maybe do something like this?
Twilight POV
or
Luna POV
10137501
* record scratches as I look up from my daily allowance of ten thousand dollars* "Maybe I should do this another time, yeah?"
The negative feedback stems from you creating an odd Gary-stu story where our beloved characters are easily flustered like middle schoolers or try pitying him the same way a toddler would.
Let me explain:
I have to ask, are you writing a normal guy who was from Earth and got displaced over into MLP, or are you writing Alucard? Because every line of dialogue so far from the MC has been him talking about the Hellsing universe and his tragic backstory, which means it's either Alucard or he's lying like his life depends on it. That raises suspicion and disconnects him from the reader, because most people hate liers, and especially the kind of liars who lie about having lost people they love and having been drafted into wars that they actually didn't fight in. Not to mention how it would make the MC look to the MLP characters if they somehow find out that he's lying. I just don't think it was a good move to have him spew the tragic backstory, is what I'm saying. If all of that was genuine and did happen to the MC, then what's with the intro and the Shopkeeper at the start? Is he an OC or is he Alucard from Hellsing? Regardless, the whole thing screams angst. Most people who go through horrible things don't bring them up if they don't have to, whether they've moved on or not, but especially if they haven't. The MC clearly hasn't moved on if he's trying to hunt down Anderson, so for those readers who are unwilling to read angst and just accept it in all it's angsty glory this is a major turn-off.
The emotions of the Main Six were just one emotion: pity. Try to expand on the scene, yeah? I, for one, am confused as to where the heck they are. The Everfree? Probably, but then I gotta know why the heck the Main Six decided to be out there at all. The first line from Twilight made it seem like they were searching for something or someone, but as soon as Roy finished his story they all walked him back - I think, anyway. There wasn't a sentence to explain how they got back. The Main Six could have done a lot more than go "ohmygoshthat'ssoterrible!" and try to hug him. A lot of readers on the site enjoy seeing more mature characters with accents on being kid-like, not kid-like characters with an accent on being kid-like. You could say that while Twilight was the leader of the group, RB was the scout who flew into the sky and found the way out.
Then, there's Luna. This is a BIG one, my friend. Luna is the forbidden fruit of MLP, the holy character that is untouchable. When you write Luna, you basically have signed a contract that unless you make her awesome and intriguing, you'll be blasted in the comment section. And... well, you got blasted. Luna showed up out of nowhere, for some half-baked reason, said "hello," before blushing like a firehydrent, and inviting him over to the castle. Once again, expand on her, yeah?
P.S
Everyone loves a power fantasy, but there will always be those who complain about it being a Gary Stu. Just know that if you see a comment complaining about it being a Gary Stu, there are ten more readers who enjoy it because of that. Most of the complainers can be easily won-over regardless once your Gary-Stu tastes good. Bad stew is bad, good stew is good, and it's easier to complain than compliment. If the story itself gets better in the areas i went over above, you will see far less complaining without having to diminish the MC's power level.
10353512
What?
Wha? First chapter and I’m lost as a baby in a maze. One minute “I am a normal human being at a convention.” Next minute “I’m this person from this game with his backstory and everything from his nemesis to his dead wife and unborn child” Did our MC’s favorite person he went as personality actually take over or something cause non of this lines up. I’ll continue reading to see if ya improved over chapters as a good chunk of authors do.
I can agree with Anderson's bayonet and I love Walter's gloves. But I always lose interest when someone takes guns to a fantasy world.
I can just picture them in a room to watch a movie/video of Alucard *Level 0 by DaddyPhatSnaps on YouTube*