2-14-13
Well, 4 months into pregnancy and nothing bad’s happened yet. Anacrusis is trying to figure out what his duties would be as a big brother. He’s torn the house apart looking for a book on the subject. Looks like I’m going to have to see Twilight on this one.
Meanwhile, Flutterheart and I have started preparing things for the new foal. We’ve started looking at furniture, all the necessary things. We’ll be ready for this time. Hopefully I don’t mess up. I have one foal under my belt, so I’m sure I’ll be fine. I mean, Anacrusis hasn’t rebelled yet, though I probably just shot myself in the hoof.
Shooting himself in the hoof,
Trey
***
“Try adding more descriptive language. You seem to do well with dialogue, but there’s not a lot of description, and it seems like I’m just in a nondescript location filling in all the details.”
“Hm.” said Anacrusis, pondering over where to make the revisions.
“While you rewrite that, I’ll go make us some tea. Sound good?” asked Twilight, giving him a soft smile. Anacrusis returned one of his own, nodding at her before delving back into his writing.
Darkwing sniffed the air. The pungent aroma of moldy, slimy sludge water assaulted his nostrils, making him cringe, desperate for some febreeze. His target was in here somewhere, lurking the the shadows, probably watching him. Darkwing, a black coated stallion with an equal color mane, stuck to the shadows, using his natural camouflage at his disposal in an attempt at stealth. He spread his wings, slowly gliding through the air as gracefully as a bowling ball wouldn’t, doing his best not to make sound. He forgot to take into account that it was fall, and the gush of his wings blew dead leaves off the nearby trees. A light came on in the mansion ahead of him. His pulse pounded as a shadowy figure appeared in the window. He’d made a foalish mistake.
“So, how’s that paragraph shaping up so far?” asked Twilight, handing him some tea. Anacrusis pushed the paper to her, taking a small sip of the hot tea. Twilight read down, a small look of confusion on her face.
“This looks great, but... ‘as gracefully as a bowling ball wouldn’t’? What’s that about?”
“I needed a metaphor.”
“That one seems goofy and doesn’t fit in with the tone of the story. I’d recommend using that for a comedy story. It seems to me that you’re trying to go for a darker toned story, right?”
Anacrusis nodded, his mouth full of tea.
“That’s what I thought. Try something like...’as gracefully as a swan’ or just leave it as ‘gracefully.’ Perhaps you should save the metaphor for a different place for a better effect.”
“Hm. What do you think of the premise of the story?”
“I don’t know much about the plot yet, honestly.” said Twilight. Anacrusis snickered a bit, Twilight completely oblivious to the joke. “I think that if you want to keep the reader on edge, you’re doing a good job so far. Is it going to start this way? Or this this going to be a setup for a huge flashback?”
“I hadn’t thought of doing a flashback...that seems like a good idea. I haven’t seen it used much, though. Do you have any examples?”
“Oh, yes. The Daring Do novels do that quite a lot. Have you read any of those?”
“I haven’t heard of Daring Do.”
“YOU HAVEN’T?” Twilight yelped, shocked. “Oh, you absolutely MUST read them! They’re amazing books!”
“I guess I’ll check one out from you, then.”
“I have ALL the books in the series! Oh, you’re going to love them!” she exclaimed, clopping her hooves in excitement.
“Did I miss something important?” asked Trey, a sly smile on his face as he trotted in the front door.
“Oh. I didn’t even hear you knock! Anacrusis was just going to check out some Daring Do novels!”
“Oh, those are great books. You seriously haven’t read any of those yet?”
“If we had any at the house, I might have.”
“Fair point. Anyways, it’s time to head back. Your mother planned a special dinner!”
“Is it hay?”
“Um...well...you’ll see. Twilight, you’re more than welcome to join us!”
“Oh, that sounds lovely! I don’t want to intrude, though...”
“No, Fluttershy would love to see you. Besides, it’s the least we can offer for putting up with Anacrusis during the week.”
“Oh, he’s no trouble at all, really!”
“Well, come and join us anyway. It’d be nice to catch up with a friend.”
***
Flutterwing trotted down the halls amongst the crowd, all struggling to get out for the weekend. She looked high and low for her brother, to no avail. He must have gone to Twilight’s already. She kept an eye out for Cherry, her search also turning up fruitless. She packed her saddlebags and headed out the door. A small voice stopped her.
“Flutterwing! Come here!” said a soft, familiar voice. She looked around, unable to locate the source of the noise. “Over here!”
Flutterwing turned behind her, finding two ponies she didn’t know, and Easel, and old friend she hadn’t talked to in a while.
“Hey, girls. What’s going on?” she asked. They giggled and opened up a saddlebag, revealing grass inside a plastic bag.
“Grass?”
“No...smell it!”
Flutterwing sniffed the bag, a spicy, delightful odor wafting about her nostrils.
“What is it?” she asked, curious.
“Horsenip.”
“What’s horsenip?”
“Wow. You’re so sheltered. Look, just eat a bit. But don’t tell your parents.”
“Why not?”
“We’ll get in trouble.”
“Oh...” she said, looking inside the plastic bag. “This doesn’t seem like a good idea...”
“Just try it. All the cool kids are doing it.”
“Will this make me cool?”
“Absolutely. Now, just chew a bit and swallow.”
***
“Daddy...we’re having HAY for dinner. Hay!” shouted Flutterwing, laughing her head off. Trey gave her a strange glance, unsure of why she was acting that way.
“So, how’s Anacrusis been doing?” asked Fluttershy, turning over to Twilight, who awkwardly stared at her food, wondering if eating would make her a bad guest.
“His writing has really improved so far. He seems to be best with dialogue.”
“Why don’t you write a short story for us?” asked Fluttershy, giving him a brief smile. Anacrusis shrugged.
“You can’t ride a short story without a saddle!” said Flutterwing, hay flying out her mouth as she laughed.
“Flutterwing! We have a guest...” Fluttershy tried to casually tell her.
“I’m a pirahna!” she said, biting down on her teeth.
“She has such an imagination...” said Trey, giving an awkward smile to Twilight, who had just started to take a bite of her food, before stopping to look at him, nodding.
“Yes, Anacrusis could easily get published with a little bit of work. He’s got an amazing style, and I can tell he’s cut out for it. He loves action stories, though. Suspense, action, that kind of stuff.” Anacrusis nodded.
“Work sounds like Wark!” muttered Flutterwing, as Twilight glanced her way before continuing. Fluttershy tried to quiet her.
“I have a friend back in Canterlot that owns a publishing company. Perhaps I could get some of his stories published in a volume.”
“Really?” asked Anacrusis, snapping his head to face her, mouth full of hay.
“Of course.” she smiled at him.
“Dude...I have wings.” said Flutterwing, staring into her wings, contemplating the mysteries of space...and feathers.
“Are you alright, Flutterwing? You seem a little...off.” asked Trey.
“I’ve just never noticed my wings before...we never USE them! It’s like...woah.”
“Right then. Anyways, you were saying something about publishing?”
“Hm?” asked Twilight, who had leaned over to try to graze on the hay again. She snapped back up, leaving her food untouched, noticing that everyone else had nearly finished, except for Flutterwing, who was currently chewing on the table. “Oh. Right. I have an old friend, Leatherbound, who specializes in publishing. He’s currently creating a volume of short stories and I thought Anacrusis would make a nice addition.”
“That sounds fun!” smiled Anacrusis.
“Why not just make the short story for your school assignment the one you submit to the book?” asked Fluttershy, trying not to get distracted by Flutterwing, who was now humming a tune to herself.
“That sounds like a great idea!” said Twilight.
“Well,” began Trey, “any idea when he’ll be publishing the book?”
“Sometime next summer, so he’ll have plenty of time to submit the story.”
“Submit sounds like submarine!” shouted Flutterwing, laughing before unexpectedly scampering off to her room, leaving all the rest of the ponies at dinner staring at her strangely. Twilight took this time to hurriedly snarf her food down before she got questioned again.
***
“Seriously, what’s gotten into you? You’ve been acting silly all night!” said Fluttershy, trying to smile at Flutterwing, in an attempt to hide her embarrassment. Trey stepped in shortly afterwards, trying to maintain a calm demeanor. Flutterwing pranced about Sir Snugalot, occasionally doing flips.
Fluttershy trotted forward, trying to get her attention, but slipped on Flutterwing’s saddlebag.
“Oh, honey, are you alright?” asked Trey, helping her up. He kicked the saddlebag out of the way in his frustration, sending colored pencils, paper, and a small plastic bag flying about the floor. Trey eyed the plastic bag with worry. He picked it up, opened it, and smelled it, a look of disgust contorting his face, before being replaced with one of parental worry and confused anger.
“I...please don’t tell me that’s what I think it is...” said Fluttershy, her eyes growing wide with sadness.
“Looks like we’re going to have to have a talk with her. We won’t be able to get anything through right now. Let’s...let’s go to bed, Flutterheart.” he said sadly, closing Flutterwing’s door behind him.
Trey held her close the rest of the night, his chest wet his her tears, trying to console her, as the thought of their daughter being involved with drugs weighed heavily upon them. Tonight, her heart was fluttering for all the wrong reasons.
Smoke weed everyday.snoop
Drug-doing Flutterwing?! WHY! I hope this... detrimental pre-habit of hers will be broken. I'd hate to see somepony as utterly innocent as Flutterwing to be seen in such a state again for any length of time.
1383711 Puberty and adolescence has a way of making us try some crazy things. Had Flutterwing really known what it was, she probably wouldn't have done it.
1383779 I'm not saying that I believe you were making Flutterwing a rebellious kid or anything. Sorry if I left my post up to interpretation. I meant to state that I hope the innocent Flutterwing finds out about the horsenip or somehow learns that it is bad for her or something along those lines that will break her free from the possible addiction to this drug.
yes thank you, needed a new chapter.
1383859 Yeah, I tried to get this one out a little sooner than usual. My next few weeks are going to be absolutely fucking PACKED AND BUSY with marching band, what with two highly ranked teams, an away game, then two more ranked teams.
YAY NEW CHAPTER!!! *reads* "all the cool kids are doing it." DRUGS!!!!! *shakes hoof at sky angrily*
<-- your brain on drugs
1383974 And while you feel like you look like and everyone goes and then you look at yourself and go then your parents find out and they go and then you get out of the habit and then you're like .
welovetheherb.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Smoke-Weed-Everyday.jpg
Flutter... Flutterwing?
...
FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Well, hope she kicks the habit, if she has it yet.
Damn... I WUV U LILINUYASHA! XD
1385210 I'M ONLY WRITING A STORY! CALM DOWN MAN! LET'S TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP ONE STEP AT A TIME!!!
1384009 And then your friends are all 'Cause you quit, and you're all and then they give you more, and you say no, and they're all then they say You're not gay, are you? And then you're all And they're all and then you're like and then they walk away, and you're like but then you realize You're still not on drugs! And now you're a
1385773 Wonderfully said.
'Try adding more descriptive language. You seem to do well with dialogue, but there’s not a lot of description, and it seems like I’m just in a nondescript location filling in all the details'
Yeah, I know that feeling. It´s sometimes hard to keep up describing when you have a good dialogue...
Oh, and thanks to you, now there is an earworm in my head I thought I left behind in my childhood...
I knew at some point one of the kids would do this. Stories that involve drugs or alcohol are always my favorite!
i.imgur.com/GxUfG.jpg
1385918 A bit of a joke since it's been said I thrive in dialogue and suck at details.
1385681 BUT I LUV YU!
1385773 BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
This is a gross understatement of how much I laughed.
.....god-FUCKING-damnit!
STUPID SO-CALLED "FRIENDS"!!
why did you have to go and get flutterwing drugged man?
*sigh* but I guess that kind of stuff hapens quite a bit everywhere.
whatever this was good so therefore you are awesome
let me kiss you
1387492
Just as I read this, I farted. T'was the most rancid thing to be produced of a man.
there are drugs in this story.....
I THINK I'M HIGH
1395081 It happened.
Oh, hoh, hoh, man. She's... she's like on DRUGS, man. Everything's, like, spinning, MAN. Oh, hoh, WHOA, man! Just... whoa.
Druggie voice aside, I hope she kicks the habit. Not ever even trying drugs once, I don't know how hard it will be, but I hope she will win the battle.
At first, I was all, "Alright, haven't checked this wonderful story in a long time," so I look at 32, I'm all, "Awesome as always!
I look at 33... WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO FLUTTERWING!?
Nonetheless, good story, and I hope Flutterwing becomes okay...
We still can't use those, err... baked bads on those kids? Damnit.
Still, awesome story.
Okay...reviewing this chapter...here we go. Not gonna lie, I've been a bit scared to review this chapter, there is just so much good in it. Anyways...
The diary entry is nice as always. Cute Anacrusis is cute. The formula works (though it might be getting a little routine) Odd note, the “We'll be ready for this time” bit. What does that mean? Perhaps my memory is failing in my old age, but I don't recall Fluttershy and Trey not being ready for Anacrusis, but this quote seems to suggest otherwise. Perhaps I need to re-read earlier chapters. Also, I don't see Annie rebelling until maybe high school, if he rebels at all. Personally I think his mom is to sweet to rebel again and he has way too much respect for his father.
“Try adding more descriptive language.” Didn't I write those exact words in at least two of my reviews of this very fic?
I like the mentor/student relationship that is being developed between Twilight and Anacrusis. There is a nice balance of respect and friendliness between the two. They are friends on certain levels, but Anacrusis realizes and understands that she is his teacher, and Twilight handles herself well as the kind, but still respectable mentor.....
…..that is until Daring Do is brought up and she reverts back to a little filly. Can't blame her I guess, we all have our own little sources of kryponite. But it does work, gives the chapter a little bit of fun and keeps that quirky nerd aspect in Twilight's character.
Also, Trey didn't know he lacked the Daring Do books? Maybe this is what you meant when you referenced being “unprepared”
And here is where the chapter both gets really really good and really really difficult.
The Fluttershy getting peer pressured into weed (okay, so it's horse nip, close enough) scene was handled very well. There are a couple of ways I could have been that being effectively handled to make it believable, this was definitely one of them. The connection to Easel as the kind of old friend who changed works well to serve as how Flutterwing would be even convinced to try weed. I would have to question her lack of knowledge of the substance, but there's plenty of reasons she wouldn't be familiar with it (since the show won't ever touch this subject, it's one aspect of Equestrian society that can go whatever which way. Clearly these schools don't have anti-drug programs...though I'm not sure I knew what weed was when I was that age...) The “all the cool kids are doing it” is a bit cliché, but it works. I find it interesting that Flutterwing would have a concern with being 'cool', it's middle school, it's a rough time for kids. It's one of those scenes that is done really well, but you're not quite sure if you want to read it, cause you don't want what's going to happen to happen.
Before I get to the dinner scene, I'll mention it here that this chapter has some editing issues.
“You can't
“You can't ride a short story without a saddle!”
While I do understand that time is tight for proofreading and editing, that kind of slip up is something I think readers would not expect from you. I think there was at least one more editing error, I can't seem to find it now (maybe I'm just making it up in my head...) Not a huge deal really, but just one of those little professional things that helps you stand out from the other authors.
The dinner scene was really, really, really well done. Actually going through the reading this scene felt awkward and uncomfortable, cause we all know Flutterwing took the horse nip and we all really don't want her to be acting that way. We don't want to ready Flutterwing making a fool of herself, but there is nothing we can do to stop it (basically how one feels with a friend IRL who is drunk/high and making a fool of him/herself and you) It makes us feel for Flutterwing, which is I believe one of the main goals of the scene.
Granted I'm not sure how well I could take a character and realize how they would behave when high, but overall I agree with how you handled Flutterwing. My only real complaint is a few pieces of dialogue. For example, “Dude...I have wings.” said Flutterwing, staring into her wings, contemplating the mysteries of space and feathers. While the whole 'duuuuude' thing is kind of stereotypical stoner language, Flutterwing is not really a stoner. I don't feel she'd really change her dialogue and speaking style that significantly just because she was high. Other lines, such as “Work sounds work!” and “I'm a piranha!” she said, biting down on her teeth, seem more in line with behavior that might come from someone on a marijuana like drug while still fitting in with her character's style of language and imagination. The “duuude' line seems to almost make the scene more comedic. Maybe that is what you were going for.
I like the major plot development for Anacrusis, this really is giving the reader a lot of reasons to keep on reading into future chapters. Though I will admit, between Flutterwing and the publishing talk, at times the scene felt a bit confusing, but I think in the end it was effective, as Flutterwing was suppose to be both distracting and confusing to the situation. Still seems like maybe a bit much plot development all at once, giving Flutterwing and Anacrusis major plot futures in one scene, but I still loved the scene none the less.
The whole pot accidentally falling out of the bag is a bit cliché, but it works well enough. Plus I don't exactly see Trey, or even Fluttershy for that matter, as the type of parent to routinely to be rummaging through their kid's bags.
The last paragraph was excellent. I know it wasn't really that overly detailed, but somehow I felt you really managed to project a broken and scarred Fluttershy, her only consolation being her love, Trey. The last line, while a bit cheesy (maybe gimmicky is the right word) was actually quite nice, I found it to be a very nice cherry on top of a very well crafted chapter.
Over all I think this was one of your strongest chapters yet, and I am curious to see where things will go from here
As always, I continue to look forward to your future writings
~Nocturne
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! It might have been a bit late, but I did technically get this uploaded still during your birthday. Hope you enjoyed it and it helps