A human with magic abilities never before seen in Equestria? A necropony bent on taking over the world with an army of the living dead? Are you sure this is the same book? Yes? Then let's see what mayhem our favorite ponies can get up to.
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You know, somewhere out there Tempest Shadow is getting an overwhelming urge to maim any human she comes across.
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Don't you hate it when your comments don't get a response?
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I can see that.
Arg, this chapter is just so... Bad, in a lot of ways.
The main core problem with this story, highlighted by this chapter well is the core Conflict, aka the Necromancers, and the horrible pacing in the story.
The romance, and slice of life day to day stuff is good when it isn't being rushed, and the sex chapters are well done.
This chapter tho, is a very good example of how bad the 'subplot', and underline focus and reasoning for the story to exist and conflict, is.
First, the conflict with the Necromancers. It's Brought up in the very beginning of the story, by Discord himself, that he NEEDED to go outside of their universe in order to get Sareh and that without her NOTHING can stop the Necromancers.... Except we have Rosie... And the Necromancers are actually very weak and mortal themselves, on top of Discord being able to freely use his magic on them.
So in effect, Discord can quite literally snap his finger and just teleport all the Necromancers and Zombies into the Sun, or Space, or Moon, or just out of this Dimension. Celestia can just nuke from orbit with the Sun, Luna can nuke them with Moonlight or Assassinate them in their dreams. A child can just walk up and stab a Necromancy, and they will die. They Necromancers aren't anything special. Sure, their 1 single Death Knight is resistant, but just put a heavy rock on him, and he isn't doing shit.
Plain and simple, the Necromancers are too mortal and weak. Zombies are just normal zombies, nothing wrong or unique with them. Death Knights are high level tanks, but easily perma stopped by any unicorn that can Teleport, or can lift a heavy rock. But the Necromancers themselves? You have them being normal mortals which can be caught, touched, harmed, effected, and killed like any other normal pony. So realistically they can never be a problem.
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The rushing of the pacing is also a big problem in this story. Some if it could be overlooked in the name of hot lesbian sex. Such as Lyra, Twi, and Bonbon pretty much falling for the Human instantly and having that love returned instantly, and having the romance and conflict around the romance just happen, and then just die, and then just swept under the rug. To give an example, if you cut out all the fluff between the chapters: Sareh goes on a date, becomes married, insults her spouces out of ignorance, then makes up with them with a pretty basic apology by promising to take them on a date. Without any fluff padding it out, the actual events would all fit within 1 chapter. That is not good.
And it shows well in this chapter, in the fact that the Necromancers (As soon with the Intermission what their goal was for each assassination) assassinated not just their targets, but everyone within the home, so including wives, children, maids, and so on that live there. And yet every single person was identified, found, reported, everyone in the know knows it was the Necromancers, so they Necromancers didn't even need to be quiet about it.
They were all also replaced, one person was saved by defending themselves (Tho they weren't the highest rank or even the most powerful and well trained.) And not only did he get away, he found, subduded, and captured his assassin without said assassin getting away, or taking her own life, or even having a backup plan incase she was captured.
Had the Assassin tortured for information, which is justified and legally allowed and morally required in order to save the lives of everyone in the planet and beyond. Only to have everypony fear Sareh, bring in a conflict to make Sareh upset about herself, introduce the Chekov's Gun to turn the Necromancer Assassin into an ally instead of a prisoner, having Celestia instantly agreed, have Sareh get forgiven, along with Disobeying her queen and master, bringing in Civilians and telling them state secrets, disobeying a direct order, AND making a selfish request to try and absolve her own guilt.
^ All of that, 3 full paragraphs of conflict, events, resolves, solutions, drama, and story details, all crammed into 1 tiny Chapter. That is not a good thing.
Especially when the Conflict is so forced and artifical just to create Drama. Absolutely NO ONE should be mad about the Assassin being tortured to gain information. If it was not done, the entire planet would end up dead, where as them doing it saves everyone. Morally speaking, it's pretty clear Torturing her is the correct them. And that includes doing ANYTHING to get information, including stuff the ponies might not like, but can understand it being done. There is also the Pitiful excuse from Celestia. She might create a Badlands 2.0, boo hoo, the fucking WORLD is going to be wiped out, all life gone, the land and planeting dying if they don't stopped the Necromancers. And she won't just sacrafice a tiny bit of land to save the entire planet? What the fuck is wrong with her and why is so she stupid? And her answer of having the Royal Guards and her ponies dying by the hundreds if not thousands is the better alternative shows just how cruel and heartless the Tyrant Celestia has become. And Sarah and the others that heard her just glosses over that fact.
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This chapter just highlights everything wrong with the story, and nothing has changed since the first chapter. I hope the rest of the story, and newer chapters, get much better and improve. The story outside of the main conflict and without the rushing bits is pretty good. Especially the sex chapters. Hope to see more of that stuff. But I dread the chapters focusing on the Conflict, they will just be a big pain to read.