CaptainSalmon54
Joined 23rd Jun, 2012 ·
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799080
Thanks, I was worried that it wasn't going to be popular.
Kind of interesting to see the twist ending.
It's you wake up from a otherwise real experience.
The title reminds me of the song "The Shocker" by Steel Panther.
One In the Stinky!
Pinkie Face =
803646
That's what it's based on!
I love Steel Panther, saw them live for my 13th birthday in Newcastle.
I am planning a new clopfic involving Byron and Pinkie again, might be done for saturday. It WILL involve rape!
803871 yay wait stfu mind >:(
I don't read clopfics, but I'm going to thumbs this up because of the title. Also, don't do the rape thing you mentioned in a comment earlier. Just turn it in passionate BDSM roleplay or something.
803952
That's a great idea, thanks a lot! The rape thing was just a thought anyways.
803871
Secret Butt Fun, perhaps?
Agree about changing it up to not involve rape.
"he had never experienced this amount of sheer pleasure before. Soon, after a moment of immense pleasure, Pinkie stood up gasping for much-needed air."
You'll want to crack open your thesaurus to find synonyms for pleasure. I try to never repeat a descriptive word in the following sentence if I can help it.
Case in point: thanks for reminding me about the term marehood. I don't think I've used it yet in my stories.
804051
Another great idea! I want to thank all of you for your feedback, it is appreciated.
Please message me with any requests or suggestions, I would love to hear them.
An amazing clop. Cant wait for more!
Nice job
. I was about to grill you really hard for having such an incredibly fast scene, with no motivation and that unexpected and completely impossible "I love you", and then he woke up and it was 'k. 
That being said, if you ever decide to take a more serious direction with your stories you'll need to drag it out and develop character relationships, characterization, and motivation better. As it stands now, if this were a serious romance thing it would be absolutely horrible
. However, as it stands now, it's a great for-the-lulz/troll fic thing. 
I talked a whole lot about emotion and characterization and crap, but what I'm basically trying to say is this: everypony loves porn with a plot. Don't just jump into the sex, establish your premise and make the sex something. By something I mean not just writing "and then they fucked". There are ponies involved. It's the ponies that make the sex interesting, not the sex making the ponies interesting. It will make the sex parts a lot more entertaining for everypony involved.
I hope that helps!
807157
Thank you so much for that comment, it is really constructive! My future clopfics will have a plot. This was just a quick test and was never intended to be detailed. In future, expect a long, detailed clopfic (hopefully!).
Thanks for the support, and again, message me with requests and suggestions.
The best bit was the ending. you should write more
813200
Thanks! I do intend to write more in future.
813983 cool
Someone at my school found this, printed it out and asked my to sign it. LOL
That was....... Quick.
I agree fuck you reality.
824061
Yeah, it was short, but hopefully the next one is longer!
This was... Interesting, the twist at the end made the quick and pointless sex scene actually make some sense. Apart from the description synonym problem, you have an excellent fic here as long as people don't just go "BOO THIS MAKES NO SENSE" halfway through the story then they should believe you have a promising talent and I, for one, would hate to see it wasted
P.S. I SUCK AT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, but I hope this helps
829654
That does help! I am in the process of making another clopfic which will be longer and will actually have a story.
830500
Well I hope it works and good luck on your story
Havent read this, just here to pre-emptively like the title. Also, it seems you russled some jimmies.
846983
I have that effect on people.