7572130 Just letting you know, Typically when this happens it dose not seem to happy to just one person. Also not really an issue when we see the chapter anyway.
Next part of the series will be a Spike/Ember/Sweatie Belle story with some dark themes like slavery and mind break. Just a heads up.
Hm... thanks for the warning. But you spelled Sweetie wrong. Unless you intended that and want Sweetie Belle to sweat so much that'd be her new nickname during the schoodlypooping (I call it that, not gonna apologize) and she'd frown at the nickname or something.
Dark Bargain made me think of Blueblood but nice. Schemeing to get into a higher position and doing it to help his sister at the same time. Nice surprise there from what I initially thought of him and that was straight up Blueblood.
This was a fun story, I really hope there will be a follow-up story. I think it would be interesting to see what Pip and Succubus are up to after a few years together as a married couple. Also, what do you think they'd be like as parents?
7575039 You seem pretty intent on "universe sequels" and pretty not so intent on direct sequels to specific stories, is there a reason for that? If it's world building, then you can direct sequels can do that too.
Very good. I would have perhaps liked to have seen a more tender lovemaking scene and perhaps an entire chapter dedicated to their long talk, but this is good.
7575280 Part world building and fear that the same story going on for too long will get boring. As I said, there may be bonus chapters in the future and I might do a direct sequal if I can think of a good enough story. Also...I REALLY want to do the Spike one since its been on my mind since I started this series
7575330 It probably would be fun to see a Spike volume in the series. Word of advice, avoid pairing him with Rarity, it's been done the most. That said if you personally enjoy the pairing you can go for it, however, a hallmark of this series (in my honest opinion) seems to be less seen or uncommon pairings.
Finally read this fic twice again and here is the review I promised.
I have mixed feelings about this fic. I really didn't know what to expect. I need to hit it with my biggest criticisms first, because I liked the fic and I want you to remember this critique. The funniest thing is that I think this clopfic may have benefited from less titillation. So much of the fic revolves around selling sexiness that parts of it come off as almost unsexy due to it, especially with how it tries to force a carnal reaction from the audience. The problem becomes more noted near the end between the Cove becoming a titty bar and Dark Bargain showing up. There are two consecutive chapters totaling around 10K words primarily dedicated primarily to stripping and eroticism. It's a 45K word fic, and including other descriptions of stripping and so on, easily close to a third of the fic could be described as you yelling at the audience "Be aroused!",
Succubus as a character is an odd one. The fact that her name is humorously enough grammatically masculine in Latin aside, she's like a reverse of the usual mares used to draw readers to clopfics. She exists to be sexy. Just the cover art + the description is all the proof needed for that. Anyway, often, a sexy character is chosen because we get a character plus sexiness. In this one, the initial draw was her sexiness and then it had a character attached. Succubus doesn't behave like a normal person and that's alright; she clearly isn't so at least you don't try to convince us she is. The first section of this fic features a lot of dark mystery around her, and it worked really well. Her name has demonic meaning to it, she's visibly got carnivorous traits, she "eats" Pip, and seems hungry in a way. How could we not enjoy a mystery about who she is really and what she really intends. Opposed against this demonic veneer is extremely caring, almost exaggeratedly uxorial behavior mixed with a disconcerting degree of raw sexuality. This character is essentially sensuality made flesh, from her exaggerated sexual characteristics to her obsession with sensual beauty to her extreme seductivenesss. I like how her talent is seduction; it makes it seem like there is a purpose to her hypersexuality. Despite her initially being intimidating, she comes to be an appreciated presence and I quite like seeing her, especially when she gets riled up about something. She truly lives and her undeniably wild spirit is something endearing. I never knew what she'd do next, and neither did Pip.
The twist late in the story was quite good and very much welcome. I just wish there were more fic after it. We go from paradise to trouble in the space of a few thousand words, and it's a powerful effect. It takes everything we've come to accept and throws off the cape to show the cloven hooves holding it up. It really does change the whole paradigm of the fic. Too bad it doesn't last. It felt like it was just begging to set up a second half or even third act of the story wherein the relationship is reestablished and repaired. I was hoping for something like Summer Days and Evening Flames, wherein relationships start out like improperly set bones and need to be broken to reset and heal properly. Hell, the entire second fic of that pair is almost nothing but reconcilliation and healing, and only partial healing at that, but it makes the makeup so worthwhile to have it not happen in the course of a brief talk and a quick sex scene. I would honestly expect Succubus to be like Gilda in those stories, touchy and temperamental due to having lived her life under repression and cruelty, not really knowing how to deal with normal folk or even just regular old kindness. Your fic could have done with making it to at least the 50K mark, if only to have a chapter dedicated to the relationship being on the edge of a knife in limbo. Also, I think you made Succubus be too good of a person; she comes across as too blameless for someone who admittedly manipulated someone into marrying her almost on a whim just so she could exploit the fringe benefits of being with him to get out of a life she hated. Given the genuine goodness of Succubus elsewhere, it feels like two different characters essentially. Also, out of all the places for Succubus to have used seduction of Pip, why did she name the shower? It seems like one of the least necessary places to have to do it; all any guy who's been with a girl a few times would need to get him to share a shower would be a call to hop in. This I know from personal experience.
One thing you nailed here as you've done elsewhere is the emotional importance of sex in relationships. Sex in these stories is a way to show love and bond. Many authors just use sex for sex, but you actually have making love be the making of love. It grants an element of emotional realism to the story, especially given how sexual closeness in real life can be a very emotionally powerful thing. There's a reason people get worried about their one night stands and flings getting clingy or falling in love: sex is an emotional and hormonal thrill ride, especially if you take time and cuddle, that it's near impossible to avoid developing some kind of affection, even for lovers you just use as toys. I feel like the sex scenes between Pip and Succubus are vital to the relationship and that fully justifies most of them, even if the sex is porno melodrama, but it suits the fic; this is a story in a universe wherein tits big enough to hide sporting equipment inside are not an uncommon feature. Out of all the scenes, I feel like the best one is the aforementioned shower sex scene, if because it feels the most like spontaneous, fun sex that a real couple in love would actually have and its placement in the story really illustrates that the made match is turning into something more than can be quantifiably expressed in a contract. You also nailed the emotional notes of different kinds of sex for the most part. From the first time horny jitters to the lustful flames of the subsequent early rolls in the sheets to the fun romps as a couple explores to the needy frenzy of solace sex, you definitely made sure that each sexual encounter ultimately had a rhyme and reason, so well done. The last sex scene reminded me of a pornified take on the rounds between Starfall and Comet in Summer Days and Evening Flames -- they're doing it because they need that confirmation of closeness and intimacy. Yes, it's possible to fuck each other for distinctly unsexy reasons. Oddly, I think this would have been one of the times where they would have deliberately faced each other and been the most focused on touch and intimacy instead of eroticism and carnality; they ought not to be looking for orgasms, but instead just confirmation that the other still loves and wants them. I do get the symbolism of Pip taking Succubus from behind, though -- it's passionate and also shows he can love her without the lure of her boobs having to hang in his face; he'd love her, buxom or flat, contrary to her worries about him not being attracted to her and her perhaps being ugly and only really getting him inflamed by using her face to face seduction skills.
I like the premise. It's one used seldom, which is a shame. Essentially, two strangers are contracted to one another and need to try to learn to get along with each other. Too bad there's essentially minimal tension about this core conflict, because things go just so well from the start that there's never any doubt about the relationship except for a 2k word stretch really late in the story, and the lack of a sad or tragedy tag makes precludes them actually splitting.
The character of Pipsqueak is very well handled. You genuinely get the sense of someone who is unhappy with his life, but not able to really put his discontent into words, so he just sees issues and hopes that maybe they can be addressed and that'll make him happier. Hence why he signs up for matchmaking and why he lets her turn the Cove into a stripclub. Over time, he becomes less concerned with the material, realizing that's not the most important thing, and instead becomes more invested in the lives of his wife and others. He also gains strength and confidence as the story goes on; the Pip who can't make the buffoons Snips and Snails pay their tabs in chapter 1 is very different than the Pip who tells customers flatly and adamantly that they can't have private dances with Zahara in chapter 7. He becomes this way from his interactions with Succubus and him realizing that perhaps he isn't some pathetic fool with a discontented lot in life. He goes also from effectively having the club run by Succubus post transformation to managing it himself.
Pip and Succubus bring out the best in each other and that's important for a couple. There is the tangible sense they would both be poorer if single, or even just with anyone else. This is best shown in the last chapter when the both of them alone are coping terribly with the dilemma laid at their feet. Pip is feeling betrayed and Succubus is feeling worthless. However, they get together talk, and overcome the obstacle together. You wrote that much of the talks afterwards were had but you didn't go into detail to show them. That was a massive missed opportunity, but having an epilogue with the promise of more content in the future makes up for it. I am eagerly awaiting seeing more of this pair; I faved for a reason...
I appreciate how you avoided a herd/harem situation. I notice you do that a lot, which is good; I haven;t seen that many particularly well written polyamorous relationahips. One love story is hard enough to write with just two participants. With multiple, the number of relationships increases exponentially, or you get a situation where in the harem holder has a ton of love interests who are all cool with him treating them like satellites while they devote themselves to him, which is neither interesting nor realistic and makes the whole thing feel like a cheap fanservice wish fulfillment fantasy with a touch of trying to appeal to all tastes -- don't like modest bookworm types in dresses and stockings, next chapter has a voluptuous outgoing girl in a bikini! Having written some romance myself, I understand the lure of harems; it's tempting to want your male protagonist to have every nice girl in range for a plethora of reasons, from wish fulfillment to simply not wanting to have to disappoint shippers or tastes in a story, You instead stuck to your guns -- Succubus and Pipsqueak are together, deal with it. Also, despite this being a clopfic, you kept Pip from getting it on with the other hot babes of the story, even though it would have been tempting and easy to do so. I know what I'm like when I write clop; if someone eligible shows up, they MUST get laid. I commend your discipline in holding to pairings and avoiding extra hanky panky that wouldn't serve the plot or the romance.
On the subject of the sex itself, it's very much stylized and idealized with nary a realistic element. It's as over the top as the huge busts, tiny waists, big butts, and exaggerated carnality of much of the female cast. It's campy melodrama and walks between both sides of the fine line between plot with porn and porn with plot. However, given the emotional seriousness and realism of the story, it doesn't quite work. Also, some chapters seem dedicated to giving as much porn as possible while others seem to shush the eroticism to focus on narrative. On one hand, lots of stories like yours only have clop in specific chapters and often dedicate those chapters to the sex scenes. On the other hand, the constant presence of Succubus's exaggerated sexuality makes it frustrating when nothing hot goes down and kinda flat when something does due to her just being so hot all the time. As a result, this fic often feels like the erotic equivalent of a cat staring at you when you open the door after it's been meowing loudly for several minutes. I did groan with annoyance at the two virgins have awesome sex with each other the first time because it's fated love trope. Anyone can have sex. Good sex takes practice. Great sex takes practice and familiarity. Amazing sex takes practice, familiarity, and intimacy. And you're never done improving in sex; you have to maintain the bond and practice and work at the intimacy to keep it at the peak, and even then it won't always turn out wonderful. Bad sex just happens sometimes. Also, I don't buy the line about Succubus having been a virgin when she met Pip; her special talent is SEDUCTION! Seduction, by definition, pretty much necessitates sex stuff. That's like saying a pony with a special talent of fighting has never done anything violent in their life before pounding three muscular thugs into oblivion.
I have to gripe about the forced fetish elements. Looking back at some comments I've made here and elsewhere, I have issues with the mammary tissues. Firstly, the cover art shows Succubus with zany zoobas, but in fic she's described as being just regular exceptionally busty, but her size is named as being like a D. D isn't super huge; it's like being 6 feet tall -- taller than average, but not a giant or even very noticeably big. Another thing is that trying to push the big breast fetishism actually detracts from the sexiness because you're not only trying to quantify something that will vary by taste and opinion, but you're forcing it as party of the erotic appeal of the fic. Just about all the sex includes descriptions of just how big succubus's tits are and how much Pip wants them. I can tell you right now that just sticking with vague descriptors of size and letting readers envision the size, shape, and desire for the breasts lets them imagine the hottest thing for them instead of making non big tit men deal with having that shoved at them... and this is coming from a guy who loves breasts. Similarly, I feel like you pushed the voyeuristic element of the stripping a little too hard. The erotic displays were initially hot but went on too long, and then the voyeurism/exhibitionism element didn't really do much for me. It made me feel like I was sitting through large stretches of story which were intended for another audience and I was not informed about it prior to entry.
The plot is a mixed blessing. The real first big draw after the promises of sex made by the fic cover page is the mystery of Succubus. I've already said that it's practically never a worry if she and Pip will make it. Too bad her mystery doesn't get really properly used until late in the fic when it's competing with the will they or won't they Dark Bargain brings on. At least the mystery lasts with just enough tiny breadcrumbs dropped to make us not forget it in the first half; after the Rarity scene, it does become much less prominent and nearly forgotten about. Then there's the plot about the bar. The bar matters because it matters to Pip. That and Succubus takes an interest in it. Other than that, I could not give a fuck about it. Granted, watching it turn into a strip club was entertaining and actually unexpected; I thought Succubus was just going to take up sexy serving instead of doing all that. Small gripe about the strippers: strippers IRL almost always work as independent contractors who pay a fee to work and must live off their tips, using their own money to get their own music and get their own outfits. It's a minor gripe. Dark Bargain is easily the biggest missed opportunity because of what he means for the main couple. Essentially, he is the end of the honeymoon period of roses and passion. Too bad he shows up in the last section of the fic and his impact is ultimately rendered moot by the midpoint of he next chapter once the main lovers decide to stay together and have sex to reaffirm their bond. If the fic devoted a chapter or two to dealing with his actions' fallout and the reconcilliation that needed to happen between the lovers, it would have been much stronger for it. That would have been the difference between a solid romance and a stellar romance.
Anyway, what was the whole deal with Kegger? He's douchey and a minor antagonist and some sort of threat, but he never really does anything other than act like a mega douchebag on steroid; he makes Donald Trump seem like a kind man. His subplot was pretty much pointless and served only the point of making a Pip a kind of underdog and gave him a villain to overcome who didn't need to be there. He could be amputated wholesale without changing a single meaningful thing. I think he was there to be a sort of anti Pip, who is loud and obnoxious, doesn't respect mares, and is all about the business.
A touch I appreciated was how Pip said to Succubus that she doesn't have to make special efforts, sexual or otherwise, to please him, that just she herself is good enough, and then she essentially ignores this because its all about her strategy to keep herself safe by latching onto a stallion who is near enough to attention to make her too visible to nab. It would have been interesting if you'd shown her at the start perhaps more noticeably acting so in love and passionate, only to turn off the charm when she thinks herself unobserved. As an Uber driver, I definitely do this myself; I can be as grouchy as can be when going around on my own and then turn into mister friendly conversation the moment the fare appears, only for my smile to crunch into a frown once they're gone. I appreciate your deliberate use of details with how Dark Bargain tells Pipsqueak exactly what she'd do to make him love her and how that was what she did best. It really makes a reader think back on everything they've seen so far, and it indeed rewards rereads, which is why I took so long to get this review done, so well done yourself. It lends real weight, at least momentarily, to the dilemma Dark Bargain puts Pip in, making it seem a very real possibility that Succubus doesn't love him at all really. For a while, it even got me believing him and also made me feel sorta angry at Succubus, and almost betrayed enough to want her sent away, if only to perhaps spitefully pay her back for the cruel heart trick she'd been pulling. Ultimately though, Pip's handing of the situation is incredibly noble. Instead of being petty and lashing out, or even starting with anger at Succubus, he swallows his inner turmoil and approaches her with love, saying that he loves her enough to stay with her, even if she doesn't really love him back, if she'll have him. You can bet manly pride shone at that. I half expected her to say that she was starting to love him and they could perhaps have a second try. Instead, she's madly in love with him, too and just wants him to be happy.
Your supporting cast did well and met their aims well. Rumble is down but not out after the nightmare at the academy. I am really liking seeing your universe expand story by story and each one is better crafted than the last. I dislike Snips and Snails almost invariably as a rule. What can I say other than they were easy enough to put up with here. Your occasional inclusion of canon characters seldom felt annoying or forced, with the exception of having Prince Blueblood turn up. Surely what better way to illustrate Succubus's erotic pedigree apart from having even a snobby prince only taken by the finest mares metaphorically lose his mind from all the blood going to his cock at the sight of her? Well, no need for that spectacle; Succubus is smoking enough to have the reader totally aware that she's a real firecracker from the moment she first gets it on with Pip.
I like that you wrote about threstral culture. World building is good and you can develop your races as you like. I thought it was interesting that Succubus reacted to Zahara like Fluttershy reacting to Spike at their first meeting. I would like to see more of your take on threstral culture and indeed think perhaps a followup fic wherein Succubus and Pip go to a threstral city could be a great opportunity. The fact that you also had Dark Bargain comment on things we'd consider odd but other societies would consider sexy is another really nice touch of world building. It really makes it seem that much more understandable why Succubus would be considered rancid granny ugly by threstrals while considered stunningly beautiful by ponies. I do wish you had included a female threstral character who could have been presented by Bargain as a paragon of threstral beauty and perhaps offered to Pip as a trade for Succubus. You did a good job of integrating that bit of cultural knowledge into explaining Succubus's behaviors and even motivations. She's living so enthusiastically to make up for lost time and damn the consequences. Even if she had been ignoble in fleeing home and exploiting her seductive talents to essentially enthrall a lonely stallion into accepting her despite her lack of love and her being dangerous to be around, it does make sense for her to want to do that and we can even feel some compassion for her, even if the thought of being that cynical and manipulative to a lover is frankly sickening as well as horrifying to anyone who has ever wrestled with doubts about romantic sincerity. Granted, the whole thing does make her parents' desire to retrieve her seem essentially stupid; a liability is out of their hair and they have better assets whom they can trade. Honestly, from how Dark Bargain makes Succubus sound in threstral culture, I'd imagine even her betrothed being to some degree relieved that he'd no longer have to face marriage to her.
You kept good focus in this story and never deviated to ofar from the basic formula of your characters' daily lives. You avoided the impulse to expand the cast into a herd and include all kinds of canon characters everywhere for no reason, which is very nice to see. I noticed also that the mechanical side was also usually okay but not perfect in polish, but I shan't go hunting for fuckups now. Out of all your stories, this one is the best in every respect. You have the potential to make some truly great drama and some truly great porn. Your writing is nearly unrecognizable since your first attempts and you have proven your competence at the craft. This is the first fic you've written I completely enjoyed from start to finish. It's not a masterful story, but it's just plain fun and enjoyable with nothing really worth warning people too seriously about if they'd want to read it; no dealbreaker flaws.
Your story is a good mixed bag. It's more like a Halloween candy bag with lots of good bits of candy in it, but enough meh ones to make something lackluster show up in every handful at some point. However, just because there's a Butterfinger or a Mr Goodbar in every handful doesn't mean it can't be steadfastly enjoyed. If I'd have to pick one shortcoming, it would be the lack of properly utilized conflict. The fic gets to its big conflict that changes everything, but then it's gone almost immediately. If I had to pick one thing I really like about this fic, I'd say that it's the way that the main couple complement each other and really bring out the best qualities and full vivacity of in each other. If the conflict and reconciliation phases had been longer and more uncertain, I could see this fic being a great fic. Instead, it's just plain good and has earned my favorite and I'll likely be more than happy to reread this a few times and perhaps recommend it to some people who like this kind of plot and porn fic.
Wow, this is the first review I've literally written in years. I hope it's enough.
7653990 It's a good review and I wish I got more of these with all my fics to help me improve. Soon I'd like to better comment and explain my choices, but I'm at work right now and on my smartphone. Maybe in a few days.
One thing I can say is that there will be a bonus chapter and the idea of there being a direct sequel is getting more weight. I just need to hammer out the plot and the details
I have no idea how many I have in me; this is the first review I've written in years. I'll be glad to talk more story with you later and I can't wait to see what you come up with.
Ok, wanted to give some better feedback since such a long comment deserves it.
First, the art work since people have talked about this before. Sometime during my last story, Ebony Stallion came to me with the picture of Succubus. Not the one you see in the over but a much larger breasted mane. Personally I HATE the insanely large breasts some comics give women and refused to write a story where any character was like that. So they were switched in the story and I commissioned a new picture to reflect what the story would be about. However, the artist did make them bigger than I requested. But they are a MARKED improvement in my opinion.
For Succubus herself, well all I had was a piece of art and the request that she loved giving boob jobs. Seriously. SO the two of us talked over possible ideas. One idea had her as a runaway slave the Pip saved, another was that she was a poor mare from the Hanging City, and so on. Eventually, I came up with the stripper idea and things fell into place. I used an old movie called Showgirl Murders as the base, using the idea of a bar that was about to close its doors before a new girl talked the owners into changing it into a stripclub but changing the fact that the girl was pure evil. In the end I am really glad I did that and how she turned out. Are there things that I wish I had done differently? Yes. I had wanted to give her and Pip some more simple and domestic scenes like Pip teaching her how to cook. Those were removed because they just seemed to drag on and added nothing but boring filler. I honestly couldn't make it work no matter how hard I tried. As for the missed chances...I agree I could have done something like that.
Some of the things I had thought about showing were Rumbling moving on and trusting himself around mares again, Kegger trying to ruin the club with a scheme or two, and adding a few more hints to Succubus's background or at least some red harrings. There was even an idea of the mares playing poker and talking about their love lives.
As for Kegger and the club: Kegger served an important role in the story as the one to get the ball rolling. Remember it was he who was causing Pip to go out of business slowly and his efforts made Pip think that going with Succubus's plan was the right thing to do. As for the club, I wanted to make the most of the setting as I could while showing it was different from other clubs and create some new character.
As for the herd, I already did that in one story and felt no need nor desire to do that here since this was a love story about a guy who found love through a mail order bride system. It felt never wrong to add in another.
The next chap, when I do it, will be just bonus with no real plot. Just showing how Succubus does a VIP with a client who...well I won't spoil all of it.
As for the next story with Pip and Succubus, there are a few ideas I running with. The main one is a trial for Succubus's parents that will take place either in the Hanging City or Canterlot. Either one is good. The Hanging City will allow me to dive more into thestral culture, but I'm afraid for Succubus to be gripped by too much fear. Canterlot and the nobility there would be great for Succubus to play off of, but the downside is that there nothing really new there to explore. Either way will have the couple thinking about the future a bit more, having us meet Bansee, more of Dark Bargain while making full use of his character, and a few other things.
That's all I have time to write now. But if you really want to know something don't hesitate to ask
Decided to give the story another read through, noticed some misspelled words. Anyway, maybe a story focusing on Dark Bargain and his actions to become the new Head would be a nice touch. You've mentioned Hanging City in quite a few stories, but it would be a nice touch to see (and possibly experience) the place.
Pip looked her in the eyes. “No, I’m not,” he said simply, watching as she smiled widely at him. “I heard enough to know that sending you back there would be wrong. You don’t deserve that.” Within the blink of an eye, Succubus was against him, pressing her body against his while her arms wrapped around him in a tight hug.
Your a great guy Pip
“I never had any intention of getting Succubus back,” said Dark after a pause. “Once I looked into Mr. Pipsqueak’s profile, I knew that telling him the truth would convince him that sending her back would be the worst thing he could ever do to her. Whether he forgives her or not, he will not sign that contract. And my father, well, I don’t think he’ll be in any position to be angry with me. I expect that he will be arrested in a matter of days after that thug he sent spills the beans. Princess Luna will not take kindly to a thestral behaving like that. And when she begins looking into things, the Princess will find out that my mother threatened several members of the Guard to keep information about Succubus a secret. Or, rather, I intend to make sure she does.”
Well played Dark Bargain, well palyed
“Yes, I will become head of the family,” finished Dark, his smile returning. “When that happens, I will inform Succubus via a letter that she is free to do whatever she wishes with no fear from the family, and that as long as I’m in charge that she is still one of us. I’ll even ask if she wants Banshee to visit her from time to time.”
Very well played. And i kinda like Dark because of this, he found a way to keep his family's status while still taking care of both his sisters as a real big brother should without doing any puppetering.
By that i mean that he did not cause the problems within his family, but he used it to make sure that both his sisters can be happy, while at the same time making sure that both his parents gets punished for what they did.
Let's see if he can keep it up
But seriously what is up with their names, Banshee, Succubus, Dark Bargain
Update did not show up for me.
7572121 sorry nothing I can do about that I think
7572130 Just letting you know, Typically when this happens it dose not seem to happy to just one person. Also not really an issue when we see the chapter anyway.
Yay! Happy end in both ways!
Well, that's certainly a good ending.
YUS!
...uh-bwuh?
Hm... thanks for the warning. But you spelled Sweetie wrong. Unless you intended that and want Sweetie Belle to sweat so much that'd be her new nickname during the schoodlypooping (I call it that, not gonna apologize) and she'd frown at the nickname or something.
...wait, did I just give off another bad idea?
Dark Bargain made me think of Blueblood but nice. Schemeing to get into a higher position and doing it to help his sister at the same time.
Nice surprise there from what I initially thought of him and that was straight up Blueblood.
7572214 It's an idea I had for awhile. Think SVU meets MLP
7572264 Sorry, long day
7572601
Umm...what does "SVU" stand for?
7572635 Its Law and Order Special Victims Unit
7572684
...now I'm really scared to read that one...
7572697 Well, maybe read the first chapter when it comes out
Please write bonus chapters please, I'd like Pip to meet Banshee and for Succubus to meet other ponies.
Maybe she can convince members of the mane 6 to compete on amateur night. Maybe she can help Fluttershy like she helped Zahara. XD
This was a fun story, I really hope there will be a follow-up story. I think it would be interesting to see what Pip and Succubus are up to after a few years together as a married couple. Also, what do you think they'd be like as parents?
Gonna read this last chappy and post my thoughts.
Will there be a direct sequel to this story? I'd love one. ~hug
7574709 More of a universe sequal
7575039 You seem pretty intent on "universe sequels" and pretty not so intent on direct sequels to specific stories, is there a reason for that? If it's world building, then you can direct sequels can do that too.
Very good. I would have perhaps liked to have seen a more tender lovemaking scene and perhaps an entire chapter dedicated to their long talk, but this is good.
Say, how about I give more detailed feedback?
It's official, Succubus is now my new favorite character. Please make more stories with her and Pip
7575308 I would enjoy that
7575280 Part world building and fear that the same story going on for too long will get boring. As I said, there may be bonus chapters in the future and I might do a direct sequal if I can think of a good enough story. Also...I REALLY want to do the Spike one since its been on my mind since I started this series
7575330 It probably would be fun to see a Spike volume in the series. Word of advice, avoid pairing him with Rarity, it's been done the most. That said if you personally enjoy the pairing you can go for it, however, a hallmark of this series (in my honest opinion) seems to be less seen or uncommon pairings.
7575554 Its going to be Spike/Ember/Sweetie Belle
7575308 I don't mind more detailed feedback
7604644
It's coming. Don't worry.
Will get your review done this weekend.
Finally read this fic twice again and here is the review I promised.
I have mixed feelings about this fic. I really didn't know what to expect. I need to hit it with my biggest criticisms first, because I liked the fic and I want you to remember this critique. The funniest thing is that I think this clopfic may have benefited from less titillation. So much of the fic revolves around selling sexiness that parts of it come off as almost unsexy due to it, especially with how it tries to force a carnal reaction from the audience. The problem becomes more noted near the end between the Cove becoming a titty bar and Dark Bargain showing up. There are two consecutive chapters totaling around 10K words primarily dedicated primarily to stripping and eroticism. It's a 45K word fic, and including other descriptions of stripping and so on, easily close to a third of the fic could be described as you yelling at the audience "Be aroused!",
Succubus as a character is an odd one. The fact that her name is humorously enough grammatically masculine in Latin aside, she's like a reverse of the usual mares used to draw readers to clopfics. She exists to be sexy. Just the cover art + the description is all the proof needed for that. Anyway, often, a sexy character is chosen because we get a character plus sexiness. In this one, the initial draw was her sexiness and then it had a character attached. Succubus doesn't behave like a normal person and that's alright; she clearly isn't so at least you don't try to convince us she is. The first section of this fic features a lot of dark mystery around her, and it worked really well. Her name has demonic meaning to it, she's visibly got carnivorous traits, she "eats" Pip, and seems hungry in a way. How could we not enjoy a mystery about who she is really and what she really intends. Opposed against this demonic veneer is extremely caring, almost exaggeratedly uxorial behavior mixed with a disconcerting degree of raw sexuality. This character is essentially sensuality made flesh, from her exaggerated sexual characteristics to her obsession with sensual beauty to her extreme seductivenesss. I like how her talent is seduction; it makes it seem like there is a purpose to her hypersexuality. Despite her initially being intimidating, she comes to be an appreciated presence and I quite like seeing her, especially when she gets riled up about something. She truly lives and her undeniably wild spirit is something endearing. I never knew what she'd do next, and neither did Pip.
The twist late in the story was quite good and very much welcome. I just wish there were more fic after it. We go from paradise to trouble in the space of a few thousand words, and it's a powerful effect. It takes everything we've come to accept and throws off the cape to show the cloven hooves holding it up. It really does change the whole paradigm of the fic. Too bad it doesn't last. It felt like it was just begging to set up a second half or even third act of the story wherein the relationship is reestablished and repaired. I was hoping for something like Summer Days and Evening Flames, wherein relationships start out like improperly set bones and need to be broken to reset and heal properly. Hell, the entire second fic of that pair is almost nothing but reconcilliation and healing, and only partial healing at that, but it makes the makeup so worthwhile to have it not happen in the course of a brief talk and a quick sex scene. I would honestly expect Succubus to be like Gilda in those stories, touchy and temperamental due to having lived her life under repression and cruelty, not really knowing how to deal with normal folk or even just regular old kindness. Your fic could have done with making it to at least the 50K mark, if only to have a chapter dedicated to the relationship being on the edge of a knife in limbo. Also, I think you made Succubus be too good of a person; she comes across as too blameless for someone who admittedly manipulated someone into marrying her almost on a whim just so she could exploit the fringe benefits of being with him to get out of a life she hated. Given the genuine goodness of Succubus elsewhere, it feels like two different characters essentially. Also, out of all the places for Succubus to have used seduction of Pip, why did she name the shower? It seems like one of the least necessary places to have to do it; all any guy who's been with a girl a few times would need to get him to share a shower would be a call to hop in. This I know from personal experience.
One thing you nailed here as you've done elsewhere is the emotional importance of sex in relationships. Sex in these stories is a way to show love and bond. Many authors just use sex for sex, but you actually have making love be the making of love. It grants an element of emotional realism to the story, especially given how sexual closeness in real life can be a very emotionally powerful thing. There's a reason people get worried about their one night stands and flings getting clingy or falling in love: sex is an emotional and hormonal thrill ride, especially if you take time and cuddle, that it's near impossible to avoid developing some kind of affection, even for lovers you just use as toys. I feel like the sex scenes between Pip and Succubus are vital to the relationship and that fully justifies most of them, even if the sex is porno melodrama, but it suits the fic; this is a story in a universe wherein tits big enough to hide sporting equipment inside are not an uncommon feature. Out of all the scenes, I feel like the best one is the aforementioned shower sex scene, if because it feels the most like spontaneous, fun sex that a real couple in love would actually have and its placement in the story really illustrates that the made match is turning into something more than can be quantifiably expressed in a contract. You also nailed the emotional notes of different kinds of sex for the most part. From the first time horny jitters to the lustful flames of the subsequent early rolls in the sheets to the fun romps as a couple explores to the needy frenzy of solace sex, you definitely made sure that each sexual encounter ultimately had a rhyme and reason, so well done. The last sex scene reminded me of a pornified take on the rounds between Starfall and Comet in Summer Days and Evening Flames -- they're doing it because they need that confirmation of closeness and intimacy. Yes, it's possible to fuck each other for distinctly unsexy reasons. Oddly, I think this would have been one of the times where they would have deliberately faced each other and been the most focused on touch and intimacy instead of eroticism and carnality; they ought not to be looking for orgasms, but instead just confirmation that the other still loves and wants them. I do get the symbolism of Pip taking Succubus from behind, though -- it's passionate and also shows he can love her without the lure of her boobs having to hang in his face; he'd love her, buxom or flat, contrary to her worries about him not being attracted to her and her perhaps being ugly and only really getting him inflamed by using her face to face seduction skills.
I like the premise. It's one used seldom, which is a shame. Essentially, two strangers are contracted to one another and need to try to learn to get along with each other. Too bad there's essentially minimal tension about this core conflict, because things go just so well from the start that there's never any doubt about the relationship except for a 2k word stretch really late in the story, and the lack of a sad or tragedy tag makes precludes them actually splitting.
The character of Pipsqueak is very well handled. You genuinely get the sense of someone who is unhappy with his life, but not able to really put his discontent into words, so he just sees issues and hopes that maybe they can be addressed and that'll make him happier. Hence why he signs up for matchmaking and why he lets her turn the Cove into a stripclub. Over time, he becomes less concerned with the material, realizing that's not the most important thing, and instead becomes more invested in the lives of his wife and others. He also gains strength and confidence as the story goes on; the Pip who can't make the buffoons Snips and Snails pay their tabs in chapter 1 is very different than the Pip who tells customers flatly and adamantly that they can't have private dances with Zahara in chapter 7. He becomes this way from his interactions with Succubus and him realizing that perhaps he isn't some pathetic fool with a discontented lot in life. He goes also from effectively having the club run by Succubus post transformation to managing it himself.
Pip and Succubus bring out the best in each other and that's important for a couple. There is the tangible sense they would both be poorer if single, or even just with anyone else. This is best shown in the last chapter when the both of them alone are coping terribly with the dilemma laid at their feet. Pip is feeling betrayed and Succubus is feeling worthless. However, they get together talk, and overcome the obstacle together. You wrote that much of the talks afterwards were had but you didn't go into detail to show them. That was a massive missed opportunity, but having an epilogue with the promise of more content in the future makes up for it. I am eagerly awaiting seeing more of this pair; I faved for a reason...
I appreciate how you avoided a herd/harem situation. I notice you do that a lot, which is good; I haven;t seen that many particularly well written polyamorous relationahips. One love story is hard enough to write with just two participants. With multiple, the number of relationships increases exponentially, or you get a situation where in the harem holder has a ton of love interests who are all cool with him treating them like satellites while they devote themselves to him, which is neither interesting nor realistic and makes the whole thing feel like a cheap fanservice wish fulfillment fantasy with a touch of trying to appeal to all tastes -- don't like modest bookworm types in dresses and stockings, next chapter has a voluptuous outgoing girl in a bikini! Having written some romance myself, I understand the lure of harems; it's tempting to want your male protagonist to have every nice girl in range for a plethora of reasons, from wish fulfillment to simply not wanting to have to disappoint shippers or tastes in a story, You instead stuck to your guns -- Succubus and Pipsqueak are together, deal with it. Also, despite this being a clopfic, you kept Pip from getting it on with the other hot babes of the story, even though it would have been tempting and easy to do so. I know what I'm like when I write clop; if someone eligible shows up, they MUST get laid. I commend your discipline in holding to pairings and avoiding extra hanky panky that wouldn't serve the plot or the romance.
On the subject of the sex itself, it's very much stylized and idealized with nary a realistic element. It's as over the top as the huge busts, tiny waists, big butts, and exaggerated carnality of much of the female cast. It's campy melodrama and walks between both sides of the fine line between plot with porn and porn with plot. However, given the emotional seriousness and realism of the story, it doesn't quite work. Also, some chapters seem dedicated to giving as much porn as possible while others seem to shush the eroticism to focus on narrative. On one hand, lots of stories like yours only have clop in specific chapters and often dedicate those chapters to the sex scenes. On the other hand, the constant presence of Succubus's exaggerated sexuality makes it frustrating when nothing hot goes down and kinda flat when something does due to her just being so hot all the time. As a result, this fic often feels like the erotic equivalent of a cat staring at you when you open the door after it's been meowing loudly for several minutes. I did groan with annoyance at the two virgins have awesome sex with each other the first time because it's fated love trope. Anyone can have sex. Good sex takes practice. Great sex takes practice and familiarity. Amazing sex takes practice, familiarity, and intimacy. And you're never done improving in sex; you have to maintain the bond and practice and work at the intimacy to keep it at the peak, and even then it won't always turn out wonderful. Bad sex just happens sometimes. Also, I don't buy the line about Succubus having been a virgin when she met Pip; her special talent is SEDUCTION! Seduction, by definition, pretty much necessitates sex stuff. That's like saying a pony with a special talent of fighting has never done anything violent in their life before pounding three muscular thugs into oblivion.
I have to gripe about the forced fetish elements. Looking back at some comments I've made here and elsewhere, I have issues with the mammary tissues. Firstly, the cover art shows Succubus with zany zoobas, but in fic she's described as being just regular exceptionally busty, but her size is named as being like a D. D isn't super huge; it's like being 6 feet tall -- taller than average, but not a giant or even very noticeably big. Another thing is that trying to push the big breast fetishism actually detracts from the sexiness because you're not only trying to quantify something that will vary by taste and opinion, but you're forcing it as party of the erotic appeal of the fic. Just about all the sex includes descriptions of just how big succubus's tits are and how much Pip wants them. I can tell you right now that just sticking with vague descriptors of size and letting readers envision the size, shape, and desire for the breasts lets them imagine the hottest thing for them instead of making non big tit men deal with having that shoved at them... and this is coming from a guy who loves breasts. Similarly, I feel like you pushed the voyeuristic element of the stripping a little too hard. The erotic displays were initially hot but went on too long, and then the voyeurism/exhibitionism element didn't really do much for me. It made me feel like I was sitting through large stretches of story which were intended for another audience and I was not informed about it prior to entry.
The plot is a mixed blessing. The real first big draw after the promises of sex made by the fic cover page is the mystery of Succubus. I've already said that it's practically never a worry if she and Pip will make it. Too bad her mystery doesn't get really properly used until late in the fic when it's competing with the will they or won't they Dark Bargain brings on. At least the mystery lasts with just enough tiny breadcrumbs dropped to make us not forget it in the first half; after the Rarity scene, it does become much less prominent and nearly forgotten about. Then there's the plot about the bar. The bar matters because it matters to Pip. That and Succubus takes an interest in it. Other than that, I could not give a fuck about it. Granted, watching it turn into a strip club was entertaining and actually unexpected; I thought Succubus was just going to take up sexy serving instead of doing all that. Small gripe about the strippers: strippers IRL almost always work as independent contractors who pay a fee to work and must live off their tips, using their own money to get their own music and get their own outfits. It's a minor gripe. Dark Bargain is easily the biggest missed opportunity because of what he means for the main couple. Essentially, he is the end of the honeymoon period of roses and passion. Too bad he shows up in the last section of the fic and his impact is ultimately rendered moot by the midpoint of he next chapter once the main lovers decide to stay together and have sex to reaffirm their bond. If the fic devoted a chapter or two to dealing with his actions' fallout and the reconcilliation that needed to happen between the lovers, it would have been much stronger for it. That would have been the difference between a solid romance and a stellar romance.
Anyway, what was the whole deal with Kegger? He's douchey and a minor antagonist and some sort of threat, but he never really does anything other than act like a mega douchebag on steroid; he makes Donald Trump seem like a kind man. His subplot was pretty much pointless and served only the point of making a Pip a kind of underdog and gave him a villain to overcome who didn't need to be there. He could be amputated wholesale without changing a single meaningful thing. I think he was there to be a sort of anti Pip, who is loud and obnoxious, doesn't respect mares, and is all about the business.
A touch I appreciated was how Pip said to Succubus that she doesn't have to make special efforts, sexual or otherwise, to please him, that just she herself is good enough, and then she essentially ignores this because its all about her strategy to keep herself safe by latching onto a stallion who is near enough to attention to make her too visible to nab. It would have been interesting if you'd shown her at the start perhaps more noticeably acting so in love and passionate, only to turn off the charm when she thinks herself unobserved. As an Uber driver, I definitely do this myself; I can be as grouchy as can be when going around on my own and then turn into mister friendly conversation the moment the fare appears, only for my smile to crunch into a frown once they're gone. I appreciate your deliberate use of details with how Dark Bargain tells Pipsqueak exactly what she'd do to make him love her and how that was what she did best. It really makes a reader think back on everything they've seen so far, and it indeed rewards rereads, which is why I took so long to get this review done, so well done yourself. It lends real weight, at least momentarily, to the dilemma Dark Bargain puts Pip in, making it seem a very real possibility that Succubus doesn't love him at all really. For a while, it even got me believing him and also made me feel sorta angry at Succubus, and almost betrayed enough to want her sent away, if only to perhaps spitefully pay her back for the cruel heart trick she'd been pulling. Ultimately though, Pip's handing of the situation is incredibly noble. Instead of being petty and lashing out, or even starting with anger at Succubus, he swallows his inner turmoil and approaches her with love, saying that he loves her enough to stay with her, even if she doesn't really love him back, if she'll have him. You can bet manly pride shone at that. I half expected her to say that she was starting to love him and they could perhaps have a second try. Instead, she's madly in love with him, too and just wants him to be happy.
Your supporting cast did well and met their aims well. Rumble is down but not out after the nightmare at the academy. I am really liking seeing your universe expand story by story and each one is better crafted than the last. I dislike Snips and Snails almost invariably as a rule. What can I say other than they were easy enough to put up with here. Your occasional inclusion of canon characters seldom felt annoying or forced, with the exception of having Prince Blueblood turn up. Surely what better way to illustrate Succubus's erotic pedigree apart from having even a snobby prince only taken by the finest mares metaphorically lose his mind from all the blood going to his cock at the sight of her? Well, no need for that spectacle; Succubus is smoking enough to have the reader totally aware that she's a real firecracker from the moment she first gets it on with Pip.
I like that you wrote about threstral culture. World building is good and you can develop your races as you like. I thought it was interesting that Succubus reacted to Zahara like Fluttershy reacting to Spike at their first meeting. I would like to see more of your take on threstral culture and indeed think perhaps a followup fic wherein Succubus and Pip go to a threstral city could be a great opportunity. The fact that you also had Dark Bargain comment on things we'd consider odd but other societies would consider sexy is another really nice touch of world building. It really makes it seem that much more understandable why Succubus would be considered rancid granny ugly by threstrals while considered stunningly beautiful by ponies. I do wish you had included a female threstral character who could have been presented by Bargain as a paragon of threstral beauty and perhaps offered to Pip as a trade for Succubus. You did a good job of integrating that bit of cultural knowledge into explaining Succubus's behaviors and even motivations. She's living so enthusiastically to make up for lost time and damn the consequences. Even if she had been ignoble in fleeing home and exploiting her seductive talents to essentially enthrall a lonely stallion into accepting her despite her lack of love and her being dangerous to be around, it does make sense for her to want to do that and we can even feel some compassion for her, even if the thought of being that cynical and manipulative to a lover is frankly sickening as well as horrifying to anyone who has ever wrestled with doubts about romantic sincerity. Granted, the whole thing does make her parents' desire to retrieve her seem essentially stupid; a liability is out of their hair and they have better assets whom they can trade. Honestly, from how Dark Bargain makes Succubus sound in threstral culture, I'd imagine even her betrothed being to some degree relieved that he'd no longer have to face marriage to her.
You kept good focus in this story and never deviated to ofar from the basic formula of your characters' daily lives. You avoided the impulse to expand the cast into a herd and include all kinds of canon characters everywhere for no reason, which is very nice to see. I noticed also that the mechanical side was also usually okay but not perfect in polish, but I shan't go hunting for fuckups now. Out of all your stories, this one is the best in every respect. You have the potential to make some truly great drama and some truly great porn. Your writing is nearly unrecognizable since your first attempts and you have proven your competence at the craft. This is the first fic you've written I completely enjoyed from start to finish. It's not a masterful story, but it's just plain fun and enjoyable with nothing really worth warning people too seriously about if they'd want to read it; no dealbreaker flaws.
Your story is a good mixed bag. It's more like a Halloween candy bag with lots of good bits of candy in it, but enough meh ones to make something lackluster show up in every handful at some point. However, just because there's a Butterfinger or a Mr Goodbar in every handful doesn't mean it can't be steadfastly enjoyed. If I'd have to pick one shortcoming, it would be the lack of properly utilized conflict. The fic gets to its big conflict that changes everything, but then it's gone almost immediately. If I had to pick one thing I really like about this fic, I'd say that it's the way that the main couple complement each other and really bring out the best qualities and full vivacity of in each other. If the conflict and reconciliation phases had been longer and more uncertain, I could see this fic being a great fic. Instead, it's just plain good and has earned my favorite and I'll likely be more than happy to reread this a few times and perhaps recommend it to some people who like this kind of plot and porn fic.
Wow, this is the first review I've literally written in years. I hope it's enough.
7653990
It's a good review and I wish I got more of these with all my fics to help me improve. Soon I'd like to better comment and explain my choices, but I'm at work right now and on my smartphone. Maybe in a few days.
One thing I can say is that there will be a bonus chapter and the idea of there being a direct sequel is getting more weight. I just need to hammer out the plot and the details
7654456
I have no idea how many I have in me; this is the first review I've written in years. I'll be glad to talk more story with you later and I can't wait to see what you come up with.
7653990
Ok, wanted to give some better feedback since such a long comment deserves it.
First, the art work since people have talked about this before. Sometime during my last story, Ebony Stallion came to me with the picture of Succubus. Not the one you see in the over but a much larger breasted mane. Personally I HATE the insanely large breasts some comics give women and refused to write a story where any character was like that. So they were switched in the story and I commissioned a new picture to reflect what the story would be about. However, the artist did make them bigger than I requested. But they are a MARKED improvement in my opinion.
For Succubus herself, well all I had was a piece of art and the request that she loved giving boob jobs. Seriously. SO the two of us talked over possible ideas. One idea had her as a runaway slave the Pip saved, another was that she was a poor mare from the Hanging City, and so on. Eventually, I came up with the stripper idea and things fell into place. I used an old movie called Showgirl Murders as the base, using the idea of a bar that was about to close its doors before a new girl talked the owners into changing it into a stripclub but changing the fact that the girl was pure evil. In the end I am really glad I did that and how she turned out. Are there things that I wish I had done differently? Yes. I had wanted to give her and Pip some more simple and domestic scenes like Pip teaching her how to cook. Those were removed because they just seemed to drag on and added nothing but boring filler. I honestly couldn't make it work no matter how hard I tried. As for the missed chances...I agree I could have done something like that.
Some of the things I had thought about showing were Rumbling moving on and trusting himself around mares again, Kegger trying to ruin the club with a scheme or two, and adding a few more hints to Succubus's background or at least some red harrings. There was even an idea of the mares playing poker and talking about their love lives.
As for Kegger and the club: Kegger served an important role in the story as the one to get the ball rolling. Remember it was he who was causing Pip to go out of business slowly and his efforts made Pip think that going with Succubus's plan was the right thing to do. As for the club, I wanted to make the most of the setting as I could while showing it was different from other clubs and create some new character.
As for the herd, I already did that in one story and felt no need nor desire to do that here since this was a love story about a guy who found love through a mail order bride system. It felt never wrong to add in another.
The next chap, when I do it, will be just bonus with no real plot. Just showing how Succubus does a VIP with a client who...well I won't spoil all of it.
As for the next story with Pip and Succubus, there are a few ideas I running with. The main one is a trial for Succubus's parents that will take place either in the Hanging City or Canterlot. Either one is good. The Hanging City will allow me to dive more into thestral culture, but I'm afraid for Succubus to be gripped by too much fear. Canterlot and the nobility there would be great for Succubus to play off of, but the downside is that there nothing really new there to explore. Either way will have the couple thinking about the future a bit more, having us meet Bansee, more of Dark Bargain while making full use of his character, and a few other things.
That's all I have time to write now. But if you really want to know something don't hesitate to ask
7656014
Damn, you really thought about it. Can't wait to hear more from you.
Decided to give the story another read through, noticed some misspelled words. Anyway, maybe a story focusing on Dark Bargain and his actions to become the new Head would be a nice touch. You've mentioned Hanging City in quite a few stories, but it would be a nice touch to see (and possibly experience) the place.
Your a great guy Pip
Well played Dark Bargain, well palyed
Very well played. And i kinda like Dark because of this, he found a way to keep his family's status while still taking care of both his sisters as a real big brother should without doing any puppetering.
By that i mean that he did not cause the problems within his family, but he used it to make sure that both his sisters can be happy, while at the same time making sure that both his parents gets punished for what they did.
Let's see if he can keep it up
But seriously what is up with their names, Banshee, Succubus, Dark Bargain