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Brony-wan-kenobi


Sequels1

Comments ( 157 )

Pip needs to be eighteen, as otherwise he is considered under age for this site.

This has an interesting start to it.

7464526 I unfortunately was just checking out the concept, and didn't actually read it. I'm sorry. :twilightblush:

7464618 She is sexily adorable...

First, that cover art, I love it. Second good start but I see mistakes like in he middle of the chapter. This is one of them,

Her breaths were huge, at least D cup size

I think you meant breast and there are some others after that too so you might want to fix that. Other than that, it's good.

Also, love this sexy thestral mare. I want her bad:pinkiecrazy:

I hope it all works for Pip and Succubus!

I still stand behind my previous comment,

This has an interesting start to it.

However, now that I've given it a second look and a more detailed read through; certain things really stand out.

1. How's the town going to react to Succubus? Or, to Pip suddenly having a wife when he wasn't dating anyone before or showed any sign of having a special somepony.

2. How will Succubus fit in with The Cove? That bar is Pip's business and only way to provide for them; and with Kegger's Wild House taking away the majority of his patrons, Pip needs a way to get ponies back.

3. Why was Succubus so happy at seeing the apartment? It's a little odd that she was happy enough to hug a teapot and plans to live there for at least 3 months and didn't bring any sort of personal items with her. (Unless, a moving company is bringing them.)

4. Didn't she seem just a little too eager to have sex? (Perhaps the oven now has buns in it?)

5. How the heck are Mommy and Daddy and why doesn't Succubus want them to see her?

7465285

I am pretty sure she is a Changeling. It would make some sense with how little she has and how fast she has been moving. The next question becomes is she a queen or a drone? The name is the big clue here.

7465529
It would be interesting if she was a changeling and certainly spice the story up more than having her be just a horny thestral.

Just saw that this story was featured at the top of the popular stories list at 1:50 AM on 8/9/2016.
It hasn't been that long since this story got published.

Say, need a proofreader for this? While the idea is interesting, the execution was... flawed at places, I saw more than a few errors.

Okay... this touches on a few of my pet peeves, so I apologize if it sounds rant-ish. For starters, I wouldn't really call the average US national bust size 'big,' or 'busty,' Succubus is, at most, on the large side of average. Though I suppose she might be considered busty for a Thestral. Next, what you see in the picture is not a D-cup, or even a large E-cup, what you see there is somewhere between H and K, which is considered very busty.

I don't know what it is with people; all big breasts are 'D's,' or a cup size or two above, and they can be anywhere from the size of cantaloupes to entire heads. I mean, with the sheer amount of research some people do to write fiction, you'd think a person could take the ten minutes necessary to look up how cup sizes work if they plan on using them in their story. Sorry if I'm coming off as confrontational, this is just one of those really common errors in fiction that bugs the heck outta me.

This sorta was a good story, granted it has a few flaws-- but this is a pilot so...we might see something more.

His bride, a thestral mare named Succubus, seems innocent enough. However there is something odd about her.

I don't think she's a thestral, or a changeling

There are still a fair few spelling mistakes that need fixing. Also why is the last part of the story in bold?

If Succubus was voiced, what would she sound like?

7470177

Jessica Rabbit is who I am using.

I hope this doesn't comeback and hurt Pip. Hopefully he can call on his friends to help him out before it becomes too late. If he does go strip club rout hopefully Diamond Tiara has flunked out of school finally and he gives her a job.

A fun read, notice a few mistakes while reading. You might want to get a copy of Grammarly and run your chapters through it. I like this premise, and Succubus's child-like tendencies are more than a little adorable.

Another fun chapter, noticed some minor errors, not enough to be too distracting. I don't think Pip is going to go for her suggestion. After all, he wants the place to be classy, and not pander to cheap gimmicks.

that Bat has more than a few issues...legalities aside, i find it unlikely that Pip wants to turn his bar into a strip club...

7465593
Alternatively, given it sounded like she was talking to a servant in her doze, she could have been a thestral born to, say, a noble unicorn family. Given how big they are about 'purity of bloodlines' in noble families, the idea of a thestral being born to them would lead to all sorts of bad childhood incidents. Thus, why she wouldn't want Mommy and Daddy to see her, because they've made her feel terrible just for being who and what she is.

And that would also explain her desperation to be claimed by Pip and no one else. Nobles generally insist on virgin brides, too, so it could be she sought out Matchmaker's service under a false name as a desperate way of escaping an arranged marriage she hated. That would also explain why she brought nothing but the cloak, because she wants nothing of her old life.

7470389
Flunked out or finally quit. At the end of Anniversary, Filthy said if either happened he'd cut Diamond off...

It'd be interesting to see her having to come to Pip, tiara in hand, to beg for a job just to keep eating, only to have to dance...while playing second fiddle to Succubus. That would be rather karmic as well as cathartic.

7478284
Sorry, but Diamond Tiara won't be in this story

7478417
Fair enough.

Still, if it does go the strip club route and Succubus isn't the only dancer, it'd be interesting to see who else ends up dancing.

But is she really a succubus that's the billion bit question

Hmm...Succubus knowing his reasons for not wanting to use the idea - at least not yet - is because he cares about her and worries about her might keep her somewhat in check...for a time. Wonder what he's going to try next?

I hope Pip talks to some ponies as he does have friends and they may not know he needs help.

I get the feeling that Kegger will have another guess coming if he thinks that he will ever get any cider from the Apple family. I am willing to bet he is running his bar at a substantial loss trying to corner the market in Ponyville and he is barely afloat. Hopefully he goes under before Pip goes to far down the Strip Club route. Plus I still think Succubus is a Changeling and she is ashamed of her heritage. Her reaction to Rarity and her daughter are my main clues.

7500035
Yup. Heck, if selling to Pip stopped working because The Cove went out of business, she'd probably just arrange with her sister-in-law Luna to cater royal events with her cider. Before long, she'd be catering every event in Canterlot with hard cider, due to the slavish fawning of nobles...especially if Celestia decided she enjoyed SAA hard cider.

7500324
I can see Luna trying to get the nobles to try it...and failing because it's not high end enough for their tastes

7500696
In that case, shift her business to the Crystal Empire. Shining and Cadence would love it, and their nobles wouldn't dare to offend Cadence by not trying it.

Just as a little joke, I had the thought of bringing in a pony that had the backbone and attitude, as well as the knowledge of bar science, of John Taffer, but that's just me you've already chosen what to do, but I just wanted to share what I thought would have been fun.

I am pleasantly surprised by how much I'm loving this story the more I read it. You've caught my interest. Well done

I have a feeling that BlueBlood is going to be banned for life for something very stupid.......but that wont be anything new

Damn hot strip scene. Nice.

This, this is going to get good.

Poor Pip, I get the feeling that this plan is not going to work.

Update did not appear for me.

7525152

Me too.

I suddenly get the feeling that Succubus is correct that it is more then a typical illness. Hopefully it will lead to more of Succubus's past being revealed.

Wait, what was that part about her talent of seduction?

7525159 I think you might be on to something...Succubus might actually recognize this disease as something more thestral based-which mutated so that it could affect other pony types...this is definitely a problem if that is the case...

7525238

I personally think it is something related to the idea that she could be a Changeling. That would be a great twist.

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