The Anthropologist

by Weavers of Dreams

-15- Wednesday Part: Three

"Bark-bark, woof."

Lyra just sighed and gave the final appointment of her Wednesday routine a smile and a couple pats on the head. "How's it going Screwy? You been a good girl? Have you?"

The poor mare, known fondly all over town as Screwloose, let out a yip of joy and snuggled up against Lyra's side, licking her ear whilst wagging her tail like a dog. Lyra put a hoof about her neck and rested her chin atop the blue mare's head, rocking gently from side-to-side.

Screwloose relaxed for a moment in the familiar embrace of a friend. But, that didn't last long, she wriggled free and began sniffing around the doctor's hooves and torso.

"Sorry, girl," Lyra said with a shake of her head. "No treats this time."

Screw Loose let out a whimper and let her ears droop. Her tail tapped on the floor expectantly.

Lyra knew exactly what she wanted. "No, Screwy, that is my box lunch. It's not even a home-cooked meal, because I never went home last night." She threw her head back and groaned. "To make things worse, when I get back home, my landlord is going to throw a fit. There's going to be a lecture on why sleeping in a proper bed is good for you, and why a proper lunch does not consist of deep-fried Twinkies and ho-hos. But I got some fries with it, some vegies oughta even it all out, right? I swear, sometimes she seems more like my grandma."

Lyra looked back at Screwloose only to find her now just a few inches away from her face. Instead of jumping back in shock, she gagged and choked a bit. "Phew, girl, what have you been eating?" She used her magic to pry open the mare's mouth and gaze inside.

It was full of gold teeth and fillings. A necessary measure. Pony teeth were amongst the strongest in the world, earth pony's especially, allowing them to carry objects that might otherwise be considered harmful. But, constant chewing on rocks, sticks, bones, and Quills and Sofas'(1) furniture were not on the list of things a pony should do with them.

Lyra narrowed her eyes and leaned in closer. "Aaah, Screwy. Why?" She closed the mare's mouth and waved a hoof in front of her snout in disgust. "I don't care what anypony says, stinky tofu is not food. Where'd you even get that anyway? A dumpster? Only place it belongs."

Not liking how slow things were progressing, Screw Loose brought out the big guns. She promptly leapt forward, tackling the mint mare to the ground and began licking her face.

Lyra laughed despite the smell. "Aaaugh. That's not fair, Screwy. Stop it. Please. Ah-ha-ha-hee-ha. Pleeease, nooo, not the ears. Ugh. That's going to take forever to wash out. Okay, okay, I'll give you a Twinkie."

Her job done, the mare leapt off Lyra and sat down with a smug grin on her face.

Lyra quickly surrendered one of the sugary delights to the joyful mare. Then something happened. The mare's messing chewing started to slow down and she swayed from side-to-side for a moment than remained still.

Lyra gasped a leaned forward towards the mare expectantly. "Screwy? You there? Come on out. It's me, Lyra, your friend. You remember me, don't you?"

"Ly-ra," the mare said slowly, opening her eyes and staring at the mint figure. "What are you doing here?" She looked about the room in bewilderment. "Where am I?"

Lyra didn't answer, she just waited for the tumblers to click.

The frosty mare deflated and let out a sad moan. "Ooooh. It happened again, didn't it?"

Lyra nodded compassionately as she lade a hoof upon Screwy's shoulder. "Yeah. Are you gonna be okay?"

Screwloose shook her head. "No. Of course I'm not alright. I brain keeps flipping outta whack and I become a dog. What did I do this time to wind up in here? Usually they just let me run around until it runs its course." She tilted her head to the side and looked intently at Lyra. "Something involving humans, or else you wouldn't be here."

Lyra was genuinely hurt. "Aaah, Screwy. You know I'd visit you even if it there wasn't a human involved, right?"

Screwloose let out a long sigh and nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm just upset. How long have I been here?"

"The paperwork says since yesterday," Lyra said, ears drooping.

Screwloose sniffed and closed her eyes tightly. "That means my little filly had to go to sleep without her goodnight story and lullaby."

Lyra pulled her friend into a gentle hug. "It's going to be okay now, Screwy. We'll get you checked out of here and you can go smother her with all that maternal affection you've got bottled up inside of you."

"Just try and stop me," Screwloose managed to chuckle as she leaned into the hug. Ponies were very social creatures, these displays of affection amongst friends were practically expected in their culture(2).

"So," she asked, "what did I do that was so bad they locked me up in here?"

Lyra cringed a bit before explaining. "You bit a guy."

Screwloose tensed up. "But, they say I've bitten people before(3), and I never got sent here. W-what happened this time."

"Do you remember where you were yesterday," Lyra asked softly.

Screwloose concentrated a minute. "Let's see, Almond Cracker said he felt like having a picnic, to which I agreed. I packed us a lunch... uh, an apple cobbler, some orange juice, grilled cheese sandwiches, and a jar of milk to go with some cookies. I carried the basket while Almond carried Archer and the blanket. Plenty of ponies and humans at the park... I heard someone crying, then... I guess... I don't know."

Lyra nodded and patted her softly. "That was probably when your brain flipped. What apparently happened was a misunderstanding. A colt, who had been chasing a Frisbee, ran into a man, who then thought he was being attacked by quote: 'some Everfree freak of nature'. He turned around ready to fight back.

"When you turned to see what was wrong, you mistook the man's poise for him about to strike the colt, then your maternal instincts kicked into high gear," Lyra said, patting her friend's head reassuringly. "Apparently everyone thought it would be a good idea to just put you someplace quiet until you calmed down and reverted back."

"But why here?" Screwloose demanded. "I don't like this place. They could have just taken me home, then, at least, I could have been with those that love me."

"Hey," Lyra chided her, "everyone in Ponyville loves you. It was also for observation reasons, because you've never drawn blood before."

Screwloose gasped and pushed herself away so she could look her friend in the eye. "Did I hurt him badly? Is he pressing charges? Am I going to have to wear a muzzle?"

Lyra shook her head and chuckled a little at her friend's plight. "No such thing is going to happen."

"Are they going to take away my daughter?" Screwloose panicked, not listening to Lyra. "They... they can't take her away from me... without her... I'll... I'll..."

WHAP!

Screwloose yelped loudly and clutched her stinging cheek tenderly. "What was that for?"

Lyra tossed aside the old magazine and looked sternly down at Screwloose. "Because I'm your friend. And I refuse to let you spiral down such a terrible abyss of thought. No one is going to take Archer form you, and no one is pressing charges. Everyone has agreed it was a misunderstanding."

"Th-they did?" Screwloose asked, tilting her head questioningly.

Lyra sighed and nodded. "After you bit him, you stood over that colt like a mother wolf, growling and barking until he retreated a short distance away. After which, you proceeded to lick the colt's minor scrapes clean. Well, ew. But other than that, you pretty much cemented yourself as a guardian for Ponyville's children."

Screwloose wore a hybrid expression of relief, thought, and disgust. "I licked his wounds clean?"

Lyra nodded.

"Like an animal?"

She nodded again.

"Please tell me somepony took him to a proper physician afterwards," Screwloose said, burying her face into her hooves in embarrassment. "That cannot possibly be healthy."

Lyra tapped her chin in thought. "Weeell. Saliva is full of white blood cells, which, medically speaking..."

"I don't care," Screwloose cried, "it's disgusting. And I had just bit someone before I did that too. Ugh."

Lyra shrugged. "Well, I did my job. Ready to check out of this place and go home?"

Screwloose just sighed and nodded. "Yes. No one's pressing charges?"

Lyra shook her head. "Don't worry, your friends are gonna an eye out for you to make sure something like this doesn't happen again."

"Thanks," Screwloose lowered her head in gratitude.

Lyra gave her another hug. "Your welcome, Screwy."

(1) Motto: "You break it you buy it". Consequently, Mr. Breezy isn't allowed to invite her into the store under threat of pulverization by her family. His wallet yearns.

(2) There had even been a case study to find out if it refusing to hug your friends should be considered abuse.

(3) More akin to playful nipping.

Comments

[Sollace]

After reading Silver Glow's journal... I'm not sure if it's a relief or disconcerting to see an empty comment section.

This chapter kind hits a nerve for me. I feel for Screwy.

[Viper Pit]

i cant tell if screw loose is a more mature screwball or if they are not related to each other at all