The Anthropologist

by Weavers of Dreams

-72- Red Cheeks and Sea Slugs

There were, of course, some stallions in Mercury's and Baritone's employment. Such as Knick and Knack, twin earth ponies who pulled the family's carriage. The thestrals were good employers, and made sure their employees were given warm uniforms for the winter, which in turn made the ponies on their paycheck very happy to work for them.

"I've been meaning to ask," Bon Bon said through the pink scarf she wore about her face, "how is it you seem to be in such good straights in Canterlot? You know, being a thestral and all."

"Oh, that's very simple, dear," Mercury chuckled, tipping her ushanka back and giving her broad smile. "My stallion and I made it a point to find out all the elite's dirty little secrets. Like, how a certain herd of inbred unicorn nobles manages to produce a little pegasus filly that just so happens to resemble their gardener. Or how a bunch of foals start popping up that have the same mane and fur coloration as the local constable. Little things like that."

Bon Bon's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh my."

"They leave us alone, and make sure no one tries to harass us as a result," the thestral's grinned turned absolutely wicked. "Our neighbors can be quite pleasant around us. Even in a city as, dare I say, vile as this one."

"Power attracts power to itself," Bon Bon mused, looking up to see the palace in the distance. "It's such a pity that you can't control the quality of it."

"Indeed," the thestral agreed, throwing a quick salute at the far-off palace. "I do not envy our fair princesses one bit. Having to deal with all these elitist pricks on a regular basis would make me go on an awful rampage. Hmph, just about went on one anyway when they tried to raise some scandal about us adopting two human children."

"What'd you do?" the earth pony inquired.

Mercury shrugged. "Made good on a few threats. Now there are a few more mouths to feed at the constable's house, and a certain pegasus filly knows who her real father is. Just about ruined those filthy, scum-ridden... Ahem. Now's not to time for that. We're supposed to be having a good day. Just you and me, dear."

Bon Bon nodded, and turned her attention to the road the two stallions were pulling them along. "So... where are we going exactly?"

Mercury paused a moment and put a hoof to chin in embarrassment. "Oh. I didn't tell you, did I? And we're so close too. Not much time to prepare you."

The other mare leaned back a bit with questioning expression on her face. "Prepare me? For what?"

"Well, during our talk last night, after all of the," she looked at the stallions, "other stuff. When we started talking about each other's families. You mentioned you were planning on becoming a milkmare, so I thought I'd take you look at some proper equipment."

"W-what?" Bon Bon began to turn pale. The thestral sighed.

"Yep, should have given you more warning."

* * *

"And this is a black sea slug, from earth," Baritone proudly stated, gesturing at the aquarium in his rather large trophy room. "I purchased it from a group of seaponies a few years back while in Manehatten."

"Woooah," The two foals stared in wide-eyed wonder at the black blob that oozed along the wall of the acrylic sheet.

Twist gave Henry a look. "Why are you tho exthited? You're from earth."

Henry gave her a deadpanned stare. "Tho wha... I mean, so what? Doesn't mean I've seen anything like that before. Have you ever seen a garrage weilding poe-soo-doe-scorpion(1)?"

Twist gave a shudder, remembering that rather dark field guide. "Point taken."

"Say, would either of you two like to hold it?" the stallion asked, chuckling at their little discussion.

Henry gasped and quickly nodded. Twist recoiled a bit and stuck out her tongue in disgust. A unicorn maid was called to properly remove the blob from the aquarium, which she did with an expression of pure disgust, as though even touching the thing with her magic was repulsive. Could unicorn's actually feel with their magic?

That would explain quite a bit.

As for Twist, she found herself wondering just how many maids her new grandparents had.

The maid hastily deposited the slug in her employer's outstretched hooves before hurrying off. The thestral chuckled at the retreating mare and then promptly draped the blob atop of the colt. The slimey, boneless creature almost seemed to consume Henry, all that could be seen were his legs and tail.

"Eeew," he was heard to say, before promptly dancing excitedly on the tips of his hooves. "This is so cool."

"Ick, colts," Twist said, letting her tongue hang out the side of her mouth as she rolled her eyes. Then she looked up at the stallion expectantly. "Me next, me next, Grandpa, me next."

* * *

"Ah, Mrs. Melody, welcome-welcome," a slender unicorn mare greeted the thestral as soon as she stepped through the door. She was kind of short, but she seemed to make up this with volume. She was rather loud. "Who's is your friend?"

"My daughter's herdsister, Bon Bon," Melody said proudly, throwing a wing about the nervous earth pony's withers.

"Ah, Lyra has finally tied ze knot, no?" the unicorn gasped and clapped her hooves. "I zo happiness for you. But, surely you did not just come here to tell leetle old me zis, no?"

"We came to look at some... equipment," Bon Bon said slowly. The unicorn gave her knowing smile.

"Oh, I see, yes," she beamed and winked. "Well, you have certainly come to ze right place. Ivory Springs ez ze location to purchase any such itemz for the aspiring dairy lady."

"Um, don't you mean milkmare?" Bon Bon asked quizicaly.

The other mare shook her head. "Oh, non-non, madame. We supplies ze... suppliez to all kindz. We have entire sectionz for cowz, sheepz, goatz, poniez, and other. Zat last one you may enter at your own risk, dahling."

Mercury was quick advise her. "As a mare who has trotted though the 'other' section, I am telling you that you do not want to enter it."

"I don't want to enter it," Bon Bon repeated back to her with a nod. "I'm beginning to see why this place is near the airship docks rather than in the main market district."

The unicorn huffed indignantly. "Non. Tis ze nobles, darling, zat have pushed us out here. Zey do not want to reminded how ze milk gets into ze chocolate cake zey are always stuffing down. Formula fed f..."

* * *

"And this was Lyra's six birthday," Baritone said, his belly rumbling with laughter at the picture of a mint filly looking as though she had somehow taken a swan dive into her birthday cake. The two foals, who had just gotten out of the bath, weren't fairing much better. There was even a small group of maids peering over their shoulders to get a look.

Seriously, there were a lot of maids in the place. When Twist asked how many there were, the stallion had simply replied, "fewer than are in the palace."

"Thankfully, your grandmother always had a backup plan," he continued, turning the page. Revealing the filly, covered in frosting and whatnot, smiling unashamedly as she was presented with a tray full of colorful cupcakes by a smiling Mercury.

"Who's that?" Henry asked suddenly, pointing to a laughing human in the background. He just seemed out of place, amongst the majority of ponies in the shot.

"That was Peter, Lyra's brother, and our son," Baritone said in a nostalgic tone, staring at blonde haired boy.

"I have an uncle?" Henry asked, looking up at the stallion.

"You did," the thestral confirmed. "But... he died years ago in an incident."

"Oh," Henry said, ears drooping. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's alright, he went out a hero," Baritone said in a proud, yet sad tone. "He would have loved to have met you both. He was great with foals, if Lyra's any indication. Say, my wife is a very passionate family photographer, just a little warning, and she's filled out entire albums with these two. Why don't we grab a couple of those as well?"

* * *

"Oh... my... word," Bon Bon gaped.

"Impresseeve, no?" the unicorn, whom she found was named Obscure Products, said with a flourish of her magic. The earth pony nodded. "Now, down to ze busy-ness. Are you ze high-yield or ze low-yield kind of mare?"

"Eep," Bon Bon squeaked, crossing her hindlegs in surprise at the question. "I-I suppose I'm hoping to be the high-yield kind."

"Oh?" Obscure tilted her head to the side. "You do not know? Well, we have a machine for testing your yield. Care to give it a try?"

"No!" Bon Bon cried loudly, causing the unicorn to take a step back. She tittered nervously. "Sorry. W-what I mean to say is that... I'm not lactating at the moment."

The unicorn managed to laugh and patted the earth pony on the head. "Oh. My mistake, dahling. Usually ze customers are already producing when zey come here. But, still, zere may be a way to determine the machine you need. Such as, are you related to any milkmares, and do you know zeir yield?"

Bon Bon nodded. "Yes. I have a cousin named Milky Way. From the conversations we've had, I believe she averages about five gallons a day. Six if she really pushes herself."

"Zat's rather high, dahlings," the unicorn nodded in thought. She looked about the selection. "Hmm. Now, ze average mare milks zree times a day. Morning, noon, and night. Zo, I would recommend a simple two gallon. Unless you plan on sharing. Plenty of mares enjoy some company."

"Actually, I think the girl would be interested in the DQ-MSM5," Mercury piped up, an amused expression on her face. Her daughter's herdsister was sporting the most precious expression.

"Ah, of course," Obscure said with a grin. "Stay here. I shall fetch one immediately."

Once she had left, Bon Bon turned to the thestral. "You seem to know a lot about this stuff. Not to mention she knows you. Surely you're not..."

"A milkmare? Heavens no," Mercury chuckled, shaking her head rapidly. "Between my job, and the businesses my husband and I invest in to maintain our lifestyle, plus the regulations and inspections I would have to deal with on regular basis... it just wouldn't be feasible. I just do it for my own household needs and bedroom intimacy."

"What?" Bon Bon stared at her.

"Trust me, a little ANR can do wonders in a marriage, dear."

The earth pony's face twisted in confusion. "What?"

Mercury rolled her eyes. "An adult nursing relationship, Bon Bon. It's where a mare suckles her stallion."

Bon recoiled a bit. "Uh, hehe, ew. Sorry, but, Noteworthy and I... we really don't have an age play fetish."

"It's not age play fetish," the thestral shuddered as though someone has thrown filthy water over her. "A fetish is defined as a strong sexual attraction to an object or a typically non-sexual body part. ANR is hardly such a thing. If it were, think of all those poor abused babies out there, forced to feed from their depraved mothers."

Bon Bon watched as the thestral managed to a rather good imitation of Rarity when she was being dramatically sarcastic. "Okay... then, tell me, since we seem to have some time before she returns. What is it, to you?"

"A love language, dear," Mercury smiled, fluttering her wings. "A quiet moment to keep close to my stallion, to bond with him in a special way. Energizing too, usually a very pleasant precursor to really fun night."

The earth pony mare blinked thoughtfully, blushing brightly. "Interesting. Um, I may be willing to hear more. Maybe after we're done here."

"I'd be all too happy to tell you all about it," Mercury chimed happily. "And I mean 'all' about it, dear."

Bon Bon didn't know whether she felt excited or terrified. Maybe a little of both?

"Ah, here we are," Obscure called out as she returned, the object Mercury specified floating behind her in her magic.

"W-what is that?" the earth pony stared wide-eyed at the alien device.

"Zis is ze DQ Milking Saddle Mark five," the mare answered proudly levitating it over to Bon Bon. "Care to test it?"

The earth pony stared at the device for the longest time. "Dear merciful Maker. What have I gotten myself into?"

* * *

(1) The Garrote Weaving Pseudoscorpion from Chapter 54

Comments

[Prismfire Productions]

7731329

I hate going there...

[N4rwh41]

Why is it so hard to find a good, well written storie without a direct mention to sex? It doesn't ruin a story, but it would be nice to read something clean for once.

[CGen]

Lyra having thestral parents reminds me of one of the early chapters where she was telling a human about his bat pony friend. Will any of the characters from the first chapters be mentioned again?

7762895
Well I don't know your standards for good and well written, but I suppose the only way is to just filter out the sex tag and start looking through things manually.

[N4rwh41]

7763587 Sex =/= bad per say, but it is a tad bit irksome when an otherwise clean story gets sex shoved down its throat for little to no reason. I apologize if I sound pretentious, it's just something that mildly irritates me is all.

[Kamunari]

7763970
Sex and Intimacy are important parts of adult relationships. If you fully want to explore a story about married life, especially newlyweds you cant leave out sex. As someone who has been married for almost 10 years I can tell you that married life without sex/sex talk, relatives telling you disgusting sex stories is complete fiction. You could hide it, but its stupid in a fic like this that delves into some serious issues.

[Wellwater]

7763587
Well, in this particular case, it would help if the story had the Sex tag.