The Anthropologist

by Weavers of Dreams

-18- Thursday Part: One

There really were merits to sleeping in a proper bed. Lyra found herself rested and prepared for the day, and had even had enough time to say goodbye to Mr. Smith at the train station. Not only that, but Bon Bon had even packed her an extra large lunch to make up for last night. Today was looking up.

"Why aren't you doing your job, Miss Heartstrings? These humans are still eating meat."

Crash and burn baby. Crash and burn.

Lyra quickly checked to make sure her baseball bat was still where she had left it. "First of all, I am doing my job. Second of all, what's it to you?"

The mare in front of her was a new patient who was scheduled for next Monday, but there had been a cancelation and so she had been fitted into this morning's meeting. Lyra was already making notes to cancel any future meeting with this mare.

"Doing your job? You're supposed to be teaching these primitive savages the enlightened virtues of Equestrian life. Why the buck are you coddling these invaders?"

Lyra glared at the mare. "My job is to help them adjust, or help ponies understand them. I don't enlighten them in any way shape or form. And we do not coddle them. We ensure they get jobs so that they can benefit our society during their time here."

"Jobs?" the mare demanded, a look doubt on her face. "Just coming into the backwater town I saw a lazy human just standing about with spear in his claws. Do you even know what one of those creatures could with such a weapon?"

"That was probably Alex, one of Ponyville's guards," Lyra stated back. His rifle must be in the shop, she thought to herself. "And as for what he can do with a spear... take out three timberwolves, hold a manticore at bay, and intimidate the rare rabble-rouser."

"The savage probably put himself in those positions just to have an excuse to fight. Mindless monsters the lot of them." The mare crossed her legs and scowled like a spoiled filly.

Lyra bit back a scathing reply. "Then, if you're so enlightened, why don't you tell me how I should go about my job."

The didn't even hesitate. "Well. First of all, I would cut them off from their vile habit of eating dead animals. Second, I would ensure they were all unarmed. Third, I would have them collared and put to proper work befitting of their primitive nature. Something like breaking rocks or hauling logs. And finally, I would ensure they were kept as separate from us ponies as possible. No need for them to infect our superior culture."

Lyra's jaw dropped at what the mare had just suggested. "The hell? Th-th-the... what? Why all the... du-bu-wuh...? Just what?"

"These are invaders," the mare said with a humph. "They're slipping over into our world, integrating themselves into our livelihood, and tearing apart our culture from the inside out."

Lyra stealthily grasped the handle of her bat just to be safe. "Oookaay. Yeah. No. You're wrong on so many points it would fry a calculator." She grasped the handle a bit tighter in her magic as she saw the mare's disgusted face. "These humans are not crawling over our borders like illegal immigrants, or trying to pass off as refugees with a trumped up sob story. These people are quite literally being ripped from their homeworld and pulled into ours. I have seen the effects that this can have their psyche. It's a wonder that many of them don't just go insane."

"How can you defend them like this?" the mare demanded angrily. "They kill and eat innocent animals and bring all kinds of disease."

"A few hundred ponies got the sniffles for a few days," Lyra countered quickly. "No one even missed a day of work. And as for the meat... they are omnivores. In fact, I can assure you that your mother probably ate meat whenever she could get it while pregnant with you. Griffins are almost obligate carnivores, seaponies love a good dolphin steak. Don't even get me started on the dragons. Are you saying that they need to be forced into slavery and fed an incomplete diet for the rest of eternity too?"

"That is exactly what I am saying," the mare stated. "These beasts who have no respect for life do not deserve to be allowed freedom. As for my mother, she has always been a devout vegetarian. As I am as well."

"Well, that explains a few things." Lyra released her grasp on the bat and instead wrapped her magic about the mare and promptly launched her through the door.

"Millie," she called to her secretary, who was staring at the dazed mare with a bored expression.

"Yes, I will make sure she is evicted form the premises, Miss Heartstrings?" the pink and blonde earth pony said with an air of one who had done this before. "Shall I konk her with the book(1) and load her on the next train to Manehatten?"

Lyra shook her head. "No, let's try Whinnyapolis this time." She then set about working a temporary patch on her poor door.

"Will do, ma'am," Millie said as she grabbed a rather large volume from her desk and proceeded to carry out her employer's orders.

The mare would later wake up at the Whinnypolis train depot with a headache and no memory of the day's events. Then she would get drunk at a bar, take a bet, fight a mugger, rescue a baby from a burning building, join a group of human vigilantes(2), and discover the glory of BLTs. Consequently her crime fighting alter ego was Bacon Bitch.

It is suspected by only two certain ponies that she might have suffered a little brain damage from a concussive force.

(1) The Book of Morons. It's quite a sizable volume.

(2) It's not illegal in this version of Equestria.

Comments

[7F]

Exactly that mare is example that why I dislike ponykind on various HIE And Pony on Earth.

[N4rwh41]

7276814 or any sort of conversion bureau stories

[Macross84]

"Bacon Bitch" that made me chuckle. But at least she discovered the joys of "Meat Candy" XD

[Lancerlot]

Imaginary bigots are even more annoying than the real ones, because there are more of them!

[Viper Pit]

bacon solves everything