• Published 3rd Apr 2016
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The Anthropologist - Weavers of Dreams



Join Lyra as she interacts in various human-related problems ranging from wannabe Nazis to eldritch horrors that just need some love. No problem is too great that it can't be fixed with a baseball bat or high-powered cieling fan, that's a promise.

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-38- Research Needed

"He could really use a full meal," Nurse Redheart said as she looked over the child's readouts with Lyra. "Bless the Apples' hearts, but one waffle was nowhere near enough. Especially for a young male."

Lyra nodded as she looked at her copies. "That's to be expected with magical transformation and the following fear of being alone in an unknown world. Nothing a good deli sub sandwich wouldn't fix."

"Speaking transformations," the white mare began, "our friend Phillip should be available for public interaction by the end of the week."

"Toning down the creepy bits is coming along fine then?"

Redheart cringed a bit and gulped. "Relatively speaking. The medic mages have managed to get rid of the poison joke, slime infestation, and bark. But the tentacles and prehensile stomach are giving them some trouble, as well as blocking progress on the rest of his deformities."

"Prehensile stomach?" Lyra asked, looking at the nurse funny. "I never noticed that. Heck, I don't even know what that is."

"Neither did I," Redheart responded, turning a little green. "That is, until bringing him his first meal. It turned inside out and consumed everything. We've taken to feeding him blindfolded."

"Wait a moment," the mint mare said, perplexed. "He didn't have a mouth. How could he do that?"

"It... it... it comes out his...," Lyra shoved her hoof into the mare's mouth just in time.

"Never mind. I don't want to know." She removed her hoof.

"What kind of creature has fangs, but no mouth?" the nurse continued to wail.

"Ooh boy. I sure opened a can'o'worms with this one," Lyra muttered under breath. "To get back to the current issue... he checks out right?"

The nurse shook her head to clear the horrors from her mind and then nodded. "Um, yes. As far as I can tell, he's a perfectly healthy colt."

Lyra nodded slowly, concern etched on her face. "I see."

"Is something wrong?"

The mint mare sighed. "It's as you say. It all seems to point that he's a perfectly healthy colt."

"I fail to see what's wrong." The poor nurse was beginning to fell uncomfortable. "That's a good thing, Lyra."

Lyra was not convinced. "I want you to send some blood samples to the University of Manehatten."

Redheart groaned and rubbed her head. "He's human, Lyra. He can't even walk properly. No foal could fake being a human that perfectly. Even I could see that."

"I know he's human," Lyra said with a glare. "I know the signs to look for. Better than anypony else, in fact. I am the world's greatest anthropologist after all."

"Then why do we need to send blood samples to TUM(1)? Why do you need more evidence that he's an amalgamation?"

"Cause I want to be prepared in case he's not an amalgamation," Lyra responded, putting the papers aside.

"Uugh," the nurse groaned in despair. "You're not making any sense. Do you think he's human or not?"

"Tell me, Redheart," Lyra began, taking a deep breath to calm the welling sarcasm she wanted to unleash, "have you ever heard of an aligned?"

"Um, no?"

Lyra frowned and nodded. "Figured. You need to read up on humans and transferal. I recommend Proof Pudding's Humans, Portals, and Underpants, the Three Great Mysteries. Anyway, an aligned is much more different than an amalgamation."

Redheart tilted her head to the side and scrunched her nose. "How so?"

* * *

Taking blood samples with magical medical equipment was incredibly painless. Much to the jubilation of the boy, who had known far too many lying doctors. This pleased the Equestrian medical professionals immensely, as they took great pride in caring for their patients. Doctor Stable even gave him two candies for being such a good patient.

"You may have an extended wait for results," Redheart commented as she placed the small samples on a labeled tray. "Last I heard, that storm the seaponies had to let loose was heading for Manehatten."

"I see," Lyra said as she dug her hoof into the doctor's candy jar, much to his consternation. "Then the Manehatten weather teams will be working to keep in from heading too far inland. The city can take a beating and keep on bobbing along, while ruined farmland would harm the whole East Coast."

"Must you insist on taking candy meant for children?" Doctor Stable muttered as he closed the lid on the jar.

Lyra shrugged with a goofy smile. "It's one of the few places I can get out-of-town candy and not get treated like a traitor by Bon Bon." She turned to watch Henry clumsily fumbling with the wrapper. "Here, let me help you with... augh, no."

Henry, fed up with trying to unwrap the candy, had stuffed the whole thing, wrapper and all in his mouth. It was promptly yanked out, wrapped in a golden aura.

"Don't do that," the mint mare cried, "that's a good way to choke, young man." She promptly tossed the candy in a nearby trashcan and unwrapped one of her own candies for him. "There. Don't ever let me catch you doing that again."

"Sorry," Henry mumbled as he popped the new piece in his mouth.

"It's okay, kid, just don't let it happen again," Lyra said softly, gently stroking his mane. Then she noticed the smirk on the other mare's face. "And what's that look for?"

"Oh, nothing," Redheart tittered, "I'm just admiring a rather maternal mare."

Lyra sighed wearily as she gathered up Henry, placing him on her back. "See you Thursday, Redheart."

* * *

(1) The University of Manehatten opted to include the word "the" in the acronym, as "UM" just sounded like a lapse of memory. The jokes were just an unforeseen consequence. Students are referred to as "Tummies".

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