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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I took Twilight's schizophrenic psychopath side a bit from my own, tell me what you think about it
Nice touch but I would have like to have the kid die and the little one watch
Oh you added Gilda? Gilda was actually a major character in my last fic so I like to imagine I can write her fairly well. I'm glad to see her here and I hope you try to go a bit beyond the two dimensional bitch stereotype that she gets hit with more often than not. Also I found the description of the griffons a little confusing, are they basically like harpies or do they look like they do in the show or what?
Anyway this chapter was mostly fine but this line seemed odd to me:
“So, not to pry. Well. Yeah to pry. But is there something going on between you two?”
That second full stop should probably be a comma. Plus the line sounded a little OOC to me. The way you write your version of Gilda is probably different to how I would write mine but still to me it just felt a tad off. Mainly because Gilda doesn’t really have any tact, even if it’s just using bluntness to hide that lack of tact.
Also at this stage I think you should try to spend a little more time away from Twilight and with the other girls. So far you’ve done a fine job characterising her but off the top of my head the only one we’ve seen outside a fight and away from Twilight is Applejack and even then it was for just a couple of paragraphs. I’d recommend taking the time to show some of the other girls in a more casual situation just talking about something not necessarily related to the main plot. It would allow the reader to get to know them better and form some more of an attachment so that when they do get into a fight it’s more interesting.
Anyway I like this story and am glad to see it updating so frequently.
At first, I felt like Gilda was being too friendly with everyone, but then I remembered that she respects people on or above her level for the most part, so i can see why she mellowed out a bit. It'll be interesting to see her fighting style and how she cooperates with everyone on the team.
769805 well i can't make gilda cannon personality, because in that case she'd be a total bitch someone ends up kicking the shit out of, I'm changing her a bit. as for the look a harpy would probably be an accurate description. pretty much the Valkyrie but with more eagle-like wings instead of angelic wings and talons, not quite on par with Dash's new ones though. she's humanoid though
769826 YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
769812 I did start it out with her saying it took five people to take one down and they took two down each- Twilight and Celestia- etcedera so she wouldn't be as bitchy. I imagine she'd be a bit wary of Twilight after that lapse, but we shall see
769833
Ah, that makes sense with the description. So less half eagle half lion and more just half eagle half person.
I'm not a big fan of Gilda but you make her at least likeable and truth be told having Trixie on the team would be a intresting addition aswell, plus as things stand it would make a full dozen on the team then.
Of course the normal reaction for anyone who isn't Half Demon is to be fearful and target them can't remember where I heard this "People fear that which they don't understand." The true problem is that the fear drives them to not want to understand and just outright blame all the problems on; in this case; the Half demons.
I get a sinking feeling there might be Demon Hunters popping up in future Chapters too
769866 i hate her third person speech...so much...in order to keep sane i'd have to have her lose the habit, like someone snaps at her because of it.
769886 technically the tartarus guard are demon hunters, but i know what you're saying. maybe, idk
770290 it would be dash if I do it because she's the only one irritable enough to do it. or maybe Twilight could lapse and snap at her? that'd do it. hmm...
I think Trixie would be cool but more as a partner for Gilda and have her snap at Trixie after a mission so the highstrung really kicks in and probably make gilda slap trix just to make sure she stopped.
773443 lol too late
770290 don't you mean: fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/035/9/4/Unicron_Planet_Eater_Poster_by_Megamothius.jpg
770290 no no unicorns here only mages besides send a demon prince they're better then unicorns unicrons and krakens combined