The day was out now, but Stelimus hadn't managed to fall asleep at all. The guards remained in place, unflinching, and observed his every movement. It was like he was having night terrors again. That would be a possibility considering his newly formed brain, although, if he were still capable of such complex thoughts then his brain was certainly more developed than he gave it credit for. The doors to Stelimus' room swung open strong enough to smash the guards' into the walls, but they both caught the doors without much effort and created a thundering echo through the wide emptiness.
"Guards! I wish to see my sibling on my own. Leave!" a female voice bellowed.
The deer pounded their chests once with each foreleg and walked in double-file out of the room.
"Who the hell is that, Amanda Waller?" Stelimus thought.
The sounds of hooves clonking on the ground became louder and louder. A figure stepped in front of the fawn and looked down at him. He didn't know how he could tell, but this reindeer was clearly a female. Her features seemed more...accentuated and slim in comparison to the guards Stelimus had witnessed earlier. Her eyes were a burning and very sharp shade of electric purple. The fur on her head had been combed over to look like a flower petal dangling over her face, which seemed quite angry. Her fur was mainly white and she had the same frost shape on her face as her mother and father, but, for some reason, there were several spots on her fur that looked like they had been dragged through mud. Her nose bridge was quite narrow when reaching the muzzle, and, while thinner than the guards,she was still quite muscular and in shape. If anything, she looked like a barbarian from the Roman times.
"So you're the new addition to this family, huh? Do you even KNOW whose family you have been born into?"
"Oh great. Another self-righteous prick. Must be a Tudor. 'Oy'm Princess Harriot Goluck of Edinborough, ruler of the counties of etcetera etcetera and so forth, the two hundredth and twenty-second. If my sibling Wigwam died now I would be the ninety-eighth to inherit the throne'!"
"You're the son of the God-King of all Reindeer! You're the one who is supposed to save us all..." Her angry voice became muffled when she turned away and started to tremble.
Stelimus just looked at her with a face of ambivalence. "Oh boy! Character development! I've read enough books to know that you have none. Wait...Do I remember the books I've read? It's starting to come back to me." The doe's tearing started to slow down and Stelimus got an idea followed by a grin. "Wait...Let's get ready."
"I am his first, but he casts me aside for..."
"Here it comes." Stelimus hid under the blankets with eagerness and shook his stubby tail in response to his readiness. He had only one chance at this.
"Mother Dearest--"
"Granny Smith over here."
"Told me to bring you to her so that she might nurture you and teach you the basics of our language." The doe walked away and checked the toes of her left foreleg.
"Considering you're already speaking english that's gonna be difficult."
"But...she won't have to if you meet with some...complications," she turned and faced her sibling with an evil glare.
"Complications. Why yes. My health insurance doesn't want to reimburse my body changing surgery, but I don't see why you would bring that up."
The doe's eyes lit up with blue spirit flames and her hooves started to expel vast amounts of frost into the air. Stelimus reared his hind legs carefully and readied them like a spring being forced down and held in place. His 'springs' were ready to burst out and into the eye of the one holding them down. His 'sister' threw her body forward and smashed down onto the crib with her hooves. The frost that she built into them almost immediately grew over the wood of the shattered crib and froze it into place. Unfortunately for the doe, the tiny fawn jumped out mere microseconds before she crushed his bed and hopped on her muzzle. He didn't land gracefully like a beautiful swan, however. Stelimus plopped painfully onto the ground then stumbled to get back up and gallop away as fast as his stubby little legs could.
"He can already run?" she thought aloud.
"From newborn to fugitive in just a day. Don't fail me now, lincoln log legs!"
The tiny thing went through the open doors and into the hallways. Never had Gregary been so enamored by a home before. He hadn't seen this because his newborn instincts made him suckle on the bottle he was given several hours prior to his arrival in his room. It was quite convenient for him, to say the least. The entirety of the floors were covered in a fluffy carpet of red velvet. The walls were all covered in wallpaper with a pale-vanilla background and grape vines, and chandeliers or sconce could be seen every few feet. They were usually made from malachite and draped in a strange, white cloth that could only be considered akin to tiny ring armor. As with any royal home, armor from ages past were placed on mannequins that hugged the walls and were accompanied by paintings of various subjects. Several trophies could also be seen, such as the skull of some strange, one-eyed beast impaled upon a pike. The smell of cinnamon and ginger wafted through the air and punched Stelimus' nostrils with the force of a truck.
He could not enjoy the smell as his big sister came galloping after him. One thing, however, was painfully obvious: She was much faster than him. He was more agile due to his tiny body and managed to cut a curve to the right of a hallways corner and dive under a tall table he had spotted right after. His sister tried to grab him but ended up sliding and hitting the wall thanks to physics. She wouldn't give up, however, and pursued with even more determination than she had before. Stelimus arrived at a crossroads in the hall and, judging by his sister's speed, he was going to be caught once he reached the middle. Time appeared to slow down to the fawn when he started to reach the crossroad. Slowly he turned his head and closer did the hoof engulfed in blue flame approach. There was barely a microsecond of time that passed before Stelimus' sister went flying off to the side after a black blur impacted her. The fawn stopped in place and watched her simply fly off into the hallway like a jet and impact against some giant vases and frighten the few servants that were cleaning up.
Looking at the entrance to the hall he was in, Stelimus noticed that he was saved by an abnormally large reindeer with black fur and wearing similar armor to the guards in his room, except this one's armor had neon-blue icicles encrusted into the armor. This reindeer also did not wear a helmet and had placed round pieces of metal at the end of his antlers for some reason.
"How...how dare you?!" the doe roared after getting up. She was wobbling around like a drunkard.
"Not only did you leave your post, Yolumay, but you did so to try and assassinate your sibling?"
"What's with these stupid names they have?" Gregary thought.
"This does not concern you, pleb!"
The reindeer's angry posture became one of calm and serenity. "Pleb?" he said. His antlers shone for just a second, tossing the doe at his hooves which he used to stand on her. "You will speak to your commanding officer with respect and dignity. Your father put you under my charge, which means-" he leaned down near her ear. "-that I own you. This also means that you must do everything that I tell you to do, like cleaning the entire barracks with your TONGUE or PEELING the turnips and carrots BY THE THOUSANDS!"
His voice was so loud that it quite literally caused the frost covered windows to vibrate and break free of their icy casing. Yolumay struggled as best she could from beneath the stag's massive hooves, but she was incapable of freeing herself. The worst part is that he wasn't even trying to keep her down and just looked across the distance with a disconcerted gaze and a mouth puckered to the side.
"You can't...do this...to me..."
"But I am, and there's no way for you to stop me."
"I--"
"It is your father who sent you into his own army and your mother approved. You have no one to turn to." He got off of her and lifted her up with a single hoof. "NOW GO TO THE BARRACKS AND START PEELING WHILE YOU CLEAN IT WITH YOUR TONGUE!" he bellowed.
Stelimus' sister glared at the reindeer but galloped off at the speed of light anyways.
Nodding, the stag turned his attention towards the little prince he had just saved. His eyes were hazelnut brown and his pupils were lavender shaded and changed in shading based on the angle this reindeer's eyes.
"Oh great. First I get a sister who wants to kill me for some obscure reason, like much things in royalty, and then I notice that all of these deer have weird eyes."
"So you are the new prince?" the reindeer wondered. "Do not worry about my eyes. These are just contact lenses. Many soldiers in my rank wear them as a sign of distinction. I am Command Sergeant Major Manimin Orimus. Your mother wanted to bring you to her and asked your sister at first but soon regretted her decision considering how blood thirsty she can be at times...Why am I saying all of this to a young fawn. You don't even understand what I'm saying."
"Keep telling yourself that. Share with me your darkest secrets."
Manimin analyzed Stelimus from every angle then picked him up by the tail.
"Bad touch! BAD TOUCH!" Gregary thought while trying to waddle free.
"I see. You'll prove to be a fierce warrior. Don't worry. When you become five years old, I shall teach you about frost magic and spirit fire. For now, your mother wishes to educate you in our history and language...which I still find strange as you don't understand whatever it is I'm saying."
"So where are you going to take me? A school? I'll beat them all out of the water in math. At least that's a positive aspect about going to back to school after being reborn...with most of your memories. I wonder what history these reindeer have. Might as well make the most of this until I wake up."
Manimin put Stelimus onto the ground and bid him to follow, which the tiny fawn did.
"How surprising that he's already capable of galloping. He's naught but a few days old. How curious," the sergeant thought.
They arrived back at the birthing room which had recently been cleaned and had a fresh patch of hayplaced next to the left wall of the entrance. Several colorful, stuffed animals were scattered about the room to make it a bit more likable while foam pads had been placed all around the patch of hay. They were similar to the jigsaw puzzle pads back in Gregary's real world. On the hay sat Gregary's 'mother' who held a book in her hooves. The sergeant bowed and backed out the room, closing the doors behind him.
"Come here, Stelimus," the queen coaxed and tapped the hay with a hoof.
Gregary shrugged internally and laid down next to her on the rather itchy hay. While trying to put his legs under him like a cat, he a felt a leg wrap around him and pull him closer to a large body of fur.
"You're so cute. I could just hug you all day," the doe cooed.
Gregary looked around in embarrassment, but his attention was drawn to a book placed right in front of him. He could actually read what was on it. Everything appeared to be in english for him, or maybe that was just the Reindeer language that was extremely similar to it. The title was 'History of the Northern Reindeer: For fawns'.
"I'm also going to teach you a little about the pony-song and their kind."
She looked to the side with no real emotion but a had a sheen of disgust in her eyes. As a normal fawn, Stelimus would not have been able to detect that sheen, but he had enough experience to be able to see that hidden aspect.
"Oh boy! Racial slandering! Please, mother. Teach me to be an uneducated tundra bumpkin who judges without reason! It's the only thing keeping alive my will to live!"
Oh deer...
So assassination attempt, great. And we get barely the bat of a eyelash from most parties? I smell either a more corrupt land than expected or some really messed-up characters. Maybe both.
I will however mention laughing at the bad touch line. Excellent.
Best line: Teach me to be an uneducated tundra bumpkin who judges without reason! It's the only thing keeping alive my will to live!
Well, the story is getting interesting with the characters survived first assassination attempt at his first few days of life, is there a party for such events. I am surprised that his 'mother' hasn't shown much concern about the assassination attempt on her son, didn't the guard told her anything about what happened? The doe was able to move on his own power so soon after birth? I know that actual deers can start moving on their own almost immediately after their birth but is it supposed to be the also the case in your story? What is the life cycle of your deer anyway? do they have the same life expectancy as a pony?
6508442 What are you talking about? That's not in there.
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6508526 As mentioned before, the lineage of the God-King develops much more quickly than normal reindeer. Gregary is just an aberration that developed much more quickly than even that. And the mother? Well, if she didn't react all that much one can assume that such an event wasn't that too unexpected coming from the culprit.
The story so far have really gotten me interested, can't wait to see waht the future will hold for our Young Prince, and i do love our main characters sarcastic comments, "Oh boy! Racial slanderizing! Please, mother. Teach me to be an uneducated tundra bumpkin who judges without reason!" Aaaah that one wass just brilliant.
You mister are a very bad mister and you should feel ashamed for the cliffhanger.
6508826 dc347.4shared.com/img/Hlt00bRz/s7/DiabolicalLaughter.jpg
(already writing next chapter)
Generic older sibling mad at main character for no real reason? Check
Older sibling getting crazy ridiculous punishment for trying to harm main character? Check
Describing every scene in detail, likely ignoring the rule of chekov's gun? Check
Giving away half the plot in the synopsis? Check
Generic old guard that punishes older sibling talking to an infant, then commenting out loud how ridiculous that is, then immediately doing both again? Check
Honestly, the tell is so strong in this story that it's just plain annoying. You're seriously padding the story by describing every little thing, using lines like 'as is usual in a royal castle' and such. Plus the rule I mentioned. 'If you mention a gun over the fireplace in act one. By the end of act 2 that gun is going off somehow'. It basically means don't describe things in detail unless it has major bearing on the plot at some point. The guards armor? How relevant will that be when the protagonist is shipped off to Equestria?
Sorry, but here, I'm done.
6508889 You do realize I'm doing that on purpose, right? I'm even saying it through the main character calling out the clichés. Heck, the second she walked in Gregary knew what was going to happen. His human memories and experiences serve him well.
Second, I'm describing the surrounding environments for the future so I don't have to repeat them. There's no 'chekov's gun' (I had to search what that was) here because they don't have any 'possible' purpose. This is a 'Super Contradiction' where you're telling me not to detail the surroundings when others tell me to do so. If I did not detail the guards, how would you know what they looked like? Do they have armor? Do they not? Are they flesh or are they golem? Can their ears hang low and wobble to and fro'?
Lastly, there is a reason for the sibling's anger, and I did hint at that, but the reason will be explained much later in the fic.
I understand your points, but I've been writing for quite a long time and those clichés have become muscle spasms that I avoid unless there's a reason. If you don't like the story, that's okay. Something can't be loved by everyone. It's impossible. After all, perfection is true imperfection. Thanks for reading anyways. Just in-case, I don't intend to continue the clichés past the third chapter (but I'll do so just to troll you if you keep reading. ) Also...Shipped off to Equestria? The Crystal KIngdom is literally right next door. There's no shipping off. YOU'RE ALL WEIRD!
Something tells me he's going to be king of the country before his body is fully formed....And I find this amusing.
6509262 Yes debate! Debate! It fuels me! Soon I will erupt from the Earth's core and...Thank you for the comment.
6508964 my point is you're getting way too detailed on everything. Why mention the shields hanging, the size of the room, the cart the sibling pulled with her. Chekov's gun is a statement of 'don't add something in without a meaning.'
6509302 Because I was told some time ago by a long time follower that my detailings had declined quite tremendously, and I agreed. I thought it best to detail the area so that you, the readers, could 'see' what I can when I write. Imagination is one thing, but leaving the readers to imagine about eighty percent of the environment doesn't give much perspective to the capabilities of the author in question, so I decided to start detailing everything like I used to while trying to avoid purple prose, hence why I only detailed two of the shields to show the variations in craftsmanship but letting everyone imagine the rest themselves.
The shields were a silent hint towards something (or things) in the room. I didn't detail that part on purpose because I wanted the reader to figure it out on their own. I think if I use the shields one more time later on it could help give a clearer hint.
And the cart was going to serve a purpose, then I sort of switched to another reality while 'watching' and forgot about it. I'll remove it.
Edit: Done.
6509321 letting imagination fill the gaps is part of writing. Yes there's a fine line, but over doing it bloats the story. It's telling, when shooting for showing.
6509357 I know what you mean. Also, you forgot purple prose. I do need to detail more than just the black lines of something which I had done before in some previous stories. I actually just heavily detail most things once and leave it at that, which I did here. Notice that I didn't detail anything else aside from the minor additions to the birth room. Even for the city I'll only detail the architecture of one building and give minor, additional details to the more important ones, like a town hall or theater. It's like getting the hard work out of the way only you liked doing that hard work.
Would there be an example of a short, modified paragraph or sentence of this story you can probably do so I see what you perceive as being the right balance?
Sorry for not getting back to this sooner.
Wow! That doe is a real b!+©# isn't she.
Let's hear it for Black Reindeer, which sounds like the name of a superhero from Alaska.
I don't know, the lack of antlers could have been a clue.
Alright, I have to stop about halfway through this chapter. I'd really like to, this story has a lot of promise, but I can't continue.
I love the world-building. The way you reveal it through the eyes of someone only noticing little details here and there is excellent, and I'm glad you avoided some kind of exposition dump explaining what this part of the world is, how it works, etc, just to show off to the readers how much thought you've put into it. It's great for the readers, because we can discover this world alongside the protagonist.
However, this cannot make up for the terrible grammar, lack of variety in descriptions, detail and vocabulary, and complete lack of editing. I cannot stress how important it is that you get an editor for this story, or at least edit it yourself. I can overlook a lot of small errors here and there because the world and the story are good enough at this point for me to continue on, but some of these mistakes pull me out of the story completely.
1) At least three times you've misspelled the MC's name in the first half of the chapter. When you use loads of fantasy names paired with leaving it up to the reader to notice all of the details of this world, it makes me think for a few lines that a new character has started to speak.
2) You need markers to designate perspective and speakers. It's fine to drop descriptors for lines of dialogue when the character hearing them can't discern the difference, or doesn't know who's talking, but to neglect it for three chapters is lazy. Don't be afraid of using "he said" or "she said," or even throwing in a few descriptors here and there like "the barbarian deer threatened," when the MC clearly knows who's speaking. If your story or the ideas in it are good enough, which they are, the readers will pass over them without complaint. But, just like stoplights/traffic lights, everything breaks down without them. The rapid changes in perspective are even worse. There are plenty of good stories that keep everything from one perspective, and plenty more that switch between them often, so you don't need to pick one and keep it, but your story suffers when it changes without warning.
3) If you want the readers to discover the world you've created at the same time the MC does, (and it looks like that's your goal, which I like) avoid adding any information or detail that he wouldn't notice, or telling the story with the thoughts of other characters in italics.
4) Don't be afraid to spice up the descriptions and general vocabulary. Reading the word 'doe' four times in around two sentences makes the flow of the text feel stilted.
Again, I really like the ideas, world-building concepts, and the royal court politics you've introduced here, and I would really like to read the rest of this story, but my experience keeps getting broken because I'm constantly tripping over errors and trying to figure out perspective. I was always taught that if you write correctly, readers will forget they're actually reading until the very end. Not going to upvote or downvote for it, I'll save that until I can judge your work for the story in it, not the format.
6757432 Most female reindeer have antlers.
Ahh, it's been so long since I've been here. My, my how time flies by when you have none to spare. But, anyways, it's great to be back and readng this wonderful masterpiece of a story. Lets what Gregar, the God King and others have been up to.
Is 'remained n place' same as 'Toys r us' or is it just a typo? You be the judge.
Huh, I guess the 'thought' is comparable to his brain.
Because that is a perfect hairdue for a female with such a booming voice (but seriously this character's introduction is just top notch. And the Amanda Waller reference was a bit confusing until I googled her. Now, I can't stop laughing at it).
You really are your father's daughter, aren't you? I think I'll call you High Pricktess (no, it's not a stretch at all).
Did I ever tell you how mch I freaking love Stellimus? He's just the absolute best and his reference just always manage to make me laugh.
Pricktress:
Stellimus:
Every dub ever has just been destroyed with this one line. Seriously, it's so funny and it really does poke fun of all the cliches.
Well i never asked, bt thanks for the approval. You know I was going to makea joke about her silly nae, but Gregary did it for me, so... here's a pic of medic from TF2 (because you know why)
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Okay, can we just agree that anyone who uses the word pleb seriously is, from now on, the ultimate moron? Can we just agree on that? On a side note, I freaking adore this guard. Really, he does not take any of the Pricktress' idiocity and shoves her stupid insults right down her throat. He officially gets the 'seal of badass' from me.
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And with that sharp wit for an ending we end this glorious third chpter.
Final thoughts time! This chapter was probably my favorite, but that's understandable since I have been yearning to get back to this storyas soon as possible. The world you have created is so complex and intricate and yet it comes from a place we all now too well. I seriously do not understand why these reindeers hae ponies and think of them as the essential 'untermensch' of their civilisation, when THEY THEMSELVES ARE USING PONY MAGIC! Nothing like a good cup of hipocrisy to clear that collective consciousness, am I right Adolfo Ra?But seriously,the God King is really a great antagonist since he is already SO FREAKING ARROGNAT and his daughter isn't that much better (seriously, she has the sense of entitlement that would make Anita Snarkeseean blush).
The best points of the story were Gregary and his amazng quick wit and the guard. I just love how he brushed of the Pricktress and how he got her to do chores that she clearly finds beneath her. He's really good at teaching entitled twits where their places is (why do i have a feeling he's going to die soon?) All in all this was a wonderful chapter and quite a great one to come back to. i'll try to read the next one tomorrow since I really want to undertand the whole pony hate theseUberDeers have. Looking forward to it.
Dyslexic much?
Dude, there are over a DOZEN major errors in this story. Go back and edit, since there was obviously no editing done here.
Found this typo on the second time around.
And then there's this. Is it hours or days old?
Why is Gregary thinking this? Vates wondered to himself. After all he doesn't know any names aside from his and his father's... since neither of the other two's names are mentioned until two paragraphs later! Even then it is only mentioned in the narrative and not spoken aloud so he still doesn't know it. I mean the first name he hears is the guard's twelve paragraphs later!!
But wait, that's not all! He's also snarking at at least a ninth-grade level!
And you're the idiot trying to kill said son of the God-King of all Reindeer.
Well, having a fully developed adult human brain will do that. Or rather, most of the memories of a fully developed human brain and its accumulated analytical skills...
I don't get why such an original, well-thought-out, world-building fic doesn't have literally a hundred times more up-votes.
That's the spirit!
What do you mean, what's with these stupid names? What is the relevance of this? Given how there's another line, shortly after which is this:
I assume you were going to have the deer saying, "'Not only did you leave your post, but you did so to try and assassinate your sibling?'" also mention her name.
8362123
That was the weirdest shoe ad I have ever seen.
Bloody hell... Noone mentions the Assasination attempt? The fuckkk?
Know this is late, but nice pun
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Thanks.
To be fair, IRL, deer (among other equine creatures) are generally able to walk with relative ease within an hour of their birth.
Jonah Jameson : "It is not. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel."
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Ha.
11218011
Your pfp looks like the son of discord and a bowl fruit
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But Discord is smelly. He's chaos. Psycho is Illogic, and Illogic is superior to chaos!